Pureself

I had 40 days last Sunday and it was my best recovery to date. I literally felt like I was actually recovering, not just sober, I was doing the work, mentally healing, becoming at peace. But there was one thing that sneaked up on me, the little voice in my head that told me that I could drink "normally" it's almost like I relapsed a week before I actually started drinking, my av was getting things set up ready and then bam, I started drinking again, straight in at the deep end, nothing "normal" about any of it and I have hated every second, every mouthful of that ******* poison.

I've ruined Christmas, damaged relationships, drunk drove, let everyone down.

I can't believe I've done it

C0ntr0ls

Don't talk, argue or debate with that SOB known as the AV. Kick its ass to the curb right off the bat.
Eat something sweet and take a drink of water when the thought pops into your head.

Dee74

Its a common self delusion pureself.

You need to get to a place where you remember that voice always lies.

It hasn't got your best interest at heart and it's selling you a fantasy that will never come true...and if you feel it coming you have a chance to change the outcome by reaching out for help before its too late.

Stop beating yourself up though. Its done. The past cannot be changed - but the future is up for grabs

Use that energy to build a better plan going forward

D

Mizz

Getting sober is not a linear process. Sometimes it takes a few go rounds of relearning the reasons why we stopped drinking in the first place. I didn't learn to ride on a bike on the first go and I do remember falling off. In fact, I remember crashing my little bike and self into a fence. I got up and tried again. Eventually, I was cruising along.

Whatever thoughts you had prior can be looked at and changed. The actions that took place while under the influence do not have to happen again. YOU CAN DO THIS! It is good you have posted here.

Gettingcloser

For me the brutal relapses were what finally gave me the strength I needed to finally stop. Even the AV could no longer win the argument that it was worth it. Make this relapse a pivotal point in your journey. Being sober was working very well for you. After that nasty relapse you will be much better armed for when the AV comes a calling again.

Steely

We've all done it Pureself, so don't think you are alone in that one.

ANY amount of alcohol changes me into a person I do not want to be, or IS me. It alters my brain chemistry in ways that 'normal' drinkers do not experience. Therefore, I have chosen not to drink. And it's so much better.

The embarressment and shame you feel now will fade as your sobriety begins to build. Relationships will heal as people begin to see the change in you. See you mean business. And if they don't, it cannot matter at this time. The most important thing is you getting sober.

Just keep coming back here where people understand and will give you the support you need. Support we all need.

Its going to be ok Pureself, so long as you remain sober.

You can do this.

RecklessDrunk

Alcohol just doesn't work the same way for me that it use to. It use to turn social situations from uncomfortable into wonderful. My view of strangers from they must think I'm a loser to they are a friend I haven't met yet. More often, just to unwind and feel good after a long day.

Those occasional times i went off the rails were well worth it. I drank for almost 3 decades so even if i live a long time alcohol is going to be part of many of my good memories. As I got older my physical reaction to alcohol changed. Just getting drunk, not making problems for myself and waking up feeling terrible was one of the better nights. That was about the best result i could expect anymore. The going off the rails was more frequent.

Just thinking of that ease and comfort that comes just by taking a few drinks makes it tempting. I have to remember just how brief that ease and comfort is anymore. How crappy even the best result of taking a drink is anymore. Now I remember the ease and comfort of waking up sober and realizing I didn't take a drink.

You can't change the fact that you took a drink but focus on the positive. Drinking sucks anymore, you have reinforced that. The deeper that conviction the better for your recovery. Another positive you're not posting from jail. You didn't get a DWI, a vehicular homicide or anything like that. As bad as you feel now, be grateful for those little things and move forward. Nothing you can do to change yesterday but the good news is you don't have to drink today.

advbike

You are correct that a relapse can occur well before the drink is taken. The AV begins to talk to us in ways we don't even recognize sometimes. It can be extremely subtle, and we go along with it. We become a collaborator, and may even consciously know we're going to drink at a certain time, and we begin to make plans around it. This is the time we need to acknowledge the drinking thoughts, and take steps to prevent it.

Obladi

Pureself, the way you describe your relapse happening a week before you actually drank is part of my experience, too. I think of it now as a cauldron of simmering "stuff" that I powered through and disregarded. Then the magical day (Christmas, birthday, Friday, whatever day) arrived, and I'd find myself with a bottle of vodka in hand, seemingly without prior contemplation of actually drinking.

Believe it. You did it. And this is a good clue that doing all of the prescribed right things isn't necessarily sufficient to counter the AV. I'm not sure what will work for you, but as far as I can tell, what finally worked for me was to notice things that were bothering me and actually process all the way through them. Disregarding those things is exactly what a lot of very well-intentioned and well-seasoned (in sobriety) folks advised me to do.

For me, I had to learn to notice and understand at my core the things that bothered me - knowing didn't fix me, but it helped me to recognize I still had a child in me that was frightened and didn't know how to handle things. Knowing allowed me to see those things from the viewpoint of an adult and say, "Oh, I see. I can handle that." Sort of like... I'm relieving that child from responsibility to deal with things she doesn't know how to handle. Now anytime I'm upset, I go through this exercise where I figure out why - what is it exactly that is so threatening to me? Every time I get to the bottom of it, I think, "That's ok - I can handle that." Or, "That's ok - I know exactly where that comes from and I don't have to deal with it right now."

I hope some bit of this helps you. If it doesn't fit, that's ok too. Just don't give up. Make this sober thing Your Thing. You can do it. It's worth it if only to stop piling up new stores of remorse and shame.

O

FreeOwl

Well, listen: carrying that shame won't help. I know I can say it, and you can know it, and you'll still sit there and feel it.... but it's also important what we DO with that feeling. I've found that noticing my shame, acknowledging my shame, then letting it go and instead of shame carry curiosity. I'm curious about myself and what I could have done to avoid this? I'm curious - when did I actually start plotting this? I'm curious, what does this say about my unhealed parts that still need attention, about tools I'm not using that I should be?

I'm asking those questions this morning about cannabis.

And it took me many of these failed attempt moments to get sober from alcohol. The very best thing you can do is forgive yourself and recommit to sobriety.

DriGuy

I was lucky enough NOT to fall for that voice sneaking up on me. Six months into sobriety, a friend who knew I had quit was serving wine at dinner and congenially asked me, "Would you like a glass of wine with dinner or are you still" <awkward pause> "not drinking?"

For a brief moment, it stuck me as reasonable that I could now have a drink. After all, I hadn't been drunk in six months (which carries with it the dangerous consequence that you feel totally normal like you aren't an alcoholic), but it was indeed a brief moment, because before she could finish making the offer I went through a complicated flash of thoughts an emotions. First I didn't have a craving. I was way past that stage of recovery, but I had this totally innocent thought that, yes a glass of wine would be nice, and that I could indeed have one with the best of intentions. That was followed instantly, with a bolt of fright that went down my spine. I intellectually realized the danger because I had been told to watch for that one, but the fear wasn't about the danger, it was the realization at how easy it was to listen to that voice in my head and how I could so innocently believe that it "made perfectly good sense," and I instantly realized why so many alcoholics could fall off the wagon after a long period of sobriety.

The problem is that, yes, you can innocently have that glass of wine in the spirit of conviviality. You can actually do that. Who's stopping you? You have that power to drink a glass of wine with best intentions because you are an adult. What's not there and missing from consciousness is knowing you will always be an alcoholic, and you will experience horrible consequences from drinking.

We usually talk about the Alcoholic Voice as an enemy bent on evil intentions. While we talk about it that way, that is not how we feel it. The Alcoholic Voice is warm, friendly, reassuring, and often congratulating us on an ability we simply don't have. It lies to us lovingly, but is no where in sight after the damage is done.

Hevyn

Hi Pureself. I'm sorry for this painful episode - but sometimes we need further proof that we can't take a sip. I kept saying to myself, 'This is ridiculous - I'll just have two - I won't allow myself to lose control.' Never worked once. By the time one or two were in my system, I was a runaway train....no telling where it would end. Then more the next day, & so on. After a while we really, truly get it - sounds like you have. It's a frustrating, but valuable lesson you've learned. You'll be more determined than ever.

Anna

Pureself, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I found that when I was starting to do well and feel good, my AV worked even harder to win me back. It knew it was losing and went all out to get me off track. I'm glad you're back and working on your sobriety again. Now, you know to be prepared for the AV to act up, just as you start to do well. You can get through it this time.

Pureself

Thank you all so much for your replies, they have been the only rays of light in an otherwise very grey day for me

I wish I could say I made today day 1 but I haven't, I'm half way thrpugg a bottle of scotch as we speak.

I have, for the first time in my life, genuinely and honestly made my mind up that I want to be sober for ever. I truly mean it. But here I am still drinking. Pathetic really

Steely

Today can be Day 1 Pureself. A very good day.

Jillga

Not pathetic, Pureself. Actually, that roller coaster is a part of many of our stories. Well, it was a part of mine, at least. In AA they say, "It takes what it takes," which I sort of hate because it has take a WHOLE WHOLE LOT for me! Eat something substantial tonight, wake up, drink coffee, get on these boards, do whatever it takes to change your life for the better. Your posts helped me. You will find help here. I had 5 months and just relapsed. I am trying to learn from that and learn from the people here. I loved how I felt at 5 months and I was getting my kids back and everything. I want to be done for good and the only way I can do that is by not drinking today. Join us and don't drink for the next 24.

warrens

This experience can either be an insight, a significant awakening, or an excuse. Your latest entry makes me suspect the latter.

But then, that was me 9 years ago. Yup. Do you think you are unique? You're not. You're a paper doll cutout that opens to form a million paper dolls. That's us.

Alcohol doesn't negotiate. It wants *all* of us. It had all of me, although I never admitted it. Not me.

Not many of us can see our future. But you can. Clearly. If you continue to think the way you do, things will turn out very predictably. Do you have any question what that future is? If you are an alcoholic, and it sounds very much like you are, you can never drink again. Not one a week, one a month, one a year. Alcohol doesn't negotiate.

You will either awaken or you will awake one morning three years from now, in a fog, looking for a half drunk beer from last night, and wonder how the hell three years happened since you relapsed. I know.

There's a fork in the road. One path leads to a place you know very well. It ends at a cliff. The other path? Well, you'll just have to find out. At the end you will find we the recovered, not ever regretting that we didn't take the next drink.

May you awaken...

Warren

JamesSquire

So true, while our Friends and Family are abusing us, there is AV, always ready the comfort us.

This was me yesterday but by the afternoon, I had stopped, went to bed early and I'm in a better place this morning, I don't feel like a drink.
I sat down yesterday and seriously contemplated at what was happening, why I had gone back to it. I realised I was angry. Angry at not being a social drinker, Angry at my wife for pointing out I was drinking and punishing me for it, being in a drinking atmosphere over Christmas and being encourage and giving in to drink by her family.
I once gave up for 60 days.
Today, I refuse to be angry. Today, I have a plan, Today, I'm going to make an effort.
I should be the last to give advise but ....
PURESELF ... if you have chance, sleep it off, then have something sweet to drinking, drink plenty of it, go back to bed, wake up to a new beginning.

Dee74

drinking more is not going to help the shame or the self hatred pureself.

You have to commit to making your actions reflect your very real and sincere desire to be sober.

Todays the best day to start over

D

Chancellor

Pureself,
I feel right with you. I had 3 months and then had convinced myself I could try to drink like a "normal" person. I tried this for about 5 weeks until I got to a breaking point Christmas Eve when I made the decision to put booze over my better judgement and put other people at risk due to my desperation to have alcohol. I realized what I had done and become yet again, the booze was my everything yet again. So I didn't end up drinking it that night, rather felt horrible all xmas eve, xmas day, and so forth. Today is day 4 for me and I am letting go of what I cannot change, that decision to go get booze, and trying to focus on the person I want to be. I am so much better without it. I cannot drink "normally" and honestly, it's so much easier when there is no option, when you just don't. I'm finding anyways. Everyone's responses here really rang true to me so I am grateful for those reminders and I hope we can try this again, together.