NerfThis

I have now decided to simply not post in threads where I feel the OP may either be manipulating other members or there is clear enabling. I totally understand chronic relapsing, but some of the comments made in response to people trying to help have been unacceptable.

There also should be some concern in regards to posts that in my opinion, glamorize drinking. I see posts on a weekly basis detailing binges where people went out partying, gambling, etc and now feel unwell. A lot of the posts seem less like recovery posts and more like public diaries of drinking escapades, which in no way benefits the recovery of a new person reading said posts. They certainly don't help me in any way and I've been here a while. I come here to read and help people trying to get sober, not to read about someone's active, alcoholic social life.

Anna

Nerf, please forward to me any posts you see that glamorize drinking and I will be happy to look at them. It's never our intention to allow posts that glamorize drinking. That said, I don't have time to read every post, so I depend on members notifying us.

snitch

I can only share my own experience of how I got sober. If that helps another alcoholic get sober that is amazing. If it just plants a seed then that is still great. If it has no effect then there isn't anything I can do. I am completely powerless over other people. All I know for certain is that for me to get sober I had to be completely broken. That is not to say I did not try many many many times. I did. I guess i just hadn't had enough and the desire to drink was stronger than the desire to get sober. I am just grateful my moment of clarity came before alcohol took my life.

Praying for the still suffering alcoholic tonight 🙏 and very, very, grateful to be sober today.

🙏❤🙏😥

MantaLady

If this is meant to be an open and honest debate why are you deleting posts from people who actually agree with me? Only allowing one side to be heard is not fair play.

Anna

MantaLady, No posts have been deleted from this thread. You are mistaken.

tomsteve

this is understandable,MG. what about the member that refuses to use the ignore,keeps complaining about posts in their threads, and threatens that if they keep hearing "shift" they will just leave?
is holding the forum hostage ok? shouldnt the member that keeps complaining about posts yet refuses to use the ignore feature be held accountable-whether chronic relapser or not?

ColoradoRocky

I've been here only about two months, so I don't know how much weight my words should carry, but here goes:

I don't set the rules. The administrators and moderators set the rules, and one rule is that "Newcomers" is for anyone who wants to start a discussion or continue a discussion in the "Newcomers to Recovery" section.

I can control my own actions based on my judgement. I believe where there is life there is hope. However, if in my judgement collective enabling -- or some dynamic that has nothing to do with recovery as I know it -- is happening, I feel the most compassionate thing to do is not participate. (I also don't participate when someone brings up serious mental health issues, because that's way out of my league.)

Now, I will say at first I was surprised and frustrated by something which I should have known better: thoughtful, meaningful, insightful, sincere posts based on personal experience, strength, and hope usual get a couple hundred or so views and ten or twenty responses; whereas I see a record of thousands and tens of thousands of views and hundreds and even thousands of responses dedicated to years-long discussions that have yet to lead to any discernible difference.

To me, this phenomenon falls under the catgegory of "Accept the things I cannot change."

Dee74

I'm really disappointed that Anna can post about Newcomers being a safe and welcoming and useful place - and people can be here arguing with her about it. ....

The drill is, and has always been:

• If anyone has a problem with any post anytime, report it.
  
• If you have a personal problem with another poster or thread, put the poster on ignore, or don't read or post in that thread. You won;t have to read whatever they're posting again.

You can rely on Anna me, and all the other mods & admin to keep a level head and apply the rules as needed.

Its a responsibility both Anna and I take very seriously in this forum.

Dee
Administrator
SR

lessgravity

I wanted to second much of what Manta has said. And if the ultimate purpose is for this to be a forum for open exchange among a diverse group of members then I want to say it what Manta is talking about certainly pushes me away from contributing here and I know has driven some people to completely leave this site.

Dee74

Thats not a valid argument. it suggests that support is a finite resource and it's not.

We have a great community in this forum that makes sure that no one and no thread gets left behind, day after day.

Forget about others using or not using the ignore function.

If you use the ignore function yourself won't have to read what anyone else is saying and the problem will be removed for you, TS.

It's very very rare that we remove posts and then we only remove them for rule violations. We want everyone to feel they have a voice.

Here's my deal.

I was a heavy drinker for 20 years and a daily one for 5 years. If I'd found SR any sooner than I did it's possible there'd be 5 years with daily relapse posts from me.

There were people here then who were serial relapsers. What kept me coming back to this site was the fact that those people were met with kindness.

No one ever suggested they didn't belong on a recovery board.

No one ever suggested that our support was only forthcoming if they stayed sober.

No one suggested that the problem was trolling or attention seeking when the actual problem was clearly addiction - something we all should know a little about.

I wanted that kindness and understanding too.
I was already a master at beating myself up.

Newcomers has worked for a long long time running on the principles of kindness and understanding.

Not fluffy cloud stuff but real genuine empathy encouragement and support - no matter what.

I'd be sad if anyone left Newcomers because its not what they want it to be, less, but if they want to, I can't stop them.

To anyone new here - I'm sorry if this is the first thread you read - to me its not indicative of the forum or the people who post in it.

I'm barely containing my temper here..so thats it.
D

MantaLady

I have the utmost respect for you Dee and have found you to be level headed and fair. However, I have to disagree that anyone is arguing here. It’s a discussion where we have different opinions and are sharing them. We all agree the newcomers section should be a welcoming place but we don’t all agree that certain posts are appropriately placed in that forum and would be better somewhere else on the site. I’m going to leave it there as it’s clear to me that my posts are being read in a way where there are pre-conceived motives and tones being applied from the mind of the reader that are most definitely not reflective of the tone or motive of what I am actually saying. x

PinnacleOR

I've relapsed many times, over many years in my addition. The reason I came back to newcomers is that obviously I still had something to learn. Plus, I equated "newcomer" with Day 1. So, even though my addiction isn't new, I consider myself new to recovery every time I relapse.

In my opinion, why not let people post where they feel most comfortable doing so?

As for feeling that someone may be posting to be enabled, I would think perhaps the best thing to do is to ignore their posts if they push a button.

August252015

^^^^^

I use the ignore function - and I use it as a last resort for "ending" communication with someone when I feel I can no longer be of service with anything I say. And when I bow out of a thread, it's generally noted with chagrin and indeed, a memory of where I was, when I do it.

Nothing I say is legit distraction, justification, or otherwise a kind of fuel for anyone else's continued drinking.

Other than that, y'all know where I fall here.

SoberRican

Can we all just get along? Everybody is different. Shoot who am I to judge. I dont carry a chip on my shoulder feel me. I got 151 sober and him proud and cherish it. For me all I do is put folks on my prayer list . thats it. As an ex boozer I dont like drama. ✌

Della1968

ColoradoRocky

Okay, bear with me. I know this is ignorance, but I'm relatively new here.

What happens when you ignore? Does that mean you don't see the entire thread, like if it's on the first page you don't see it at all? And how do you ignore anyway (sorry but I don't even know where the ignore is)?

Thanks. I apologize for interrupting here.


p.s., and by the way, when I was talking about thoughtful, insightful, wonderful posts in my comment above, I wasn't talking about me, I was talking about Sharon and a few others around here, not to mention the folks who post truly inspirational updates on where they are after having given up drinking.

Dee74

what that means is you won't see posts by that particular member again, or receive PMs from them.
You'll see a message in the thread like 'Joe Bloggs is on your ignore list'.

It won't hide the posts if someone else quotes them, and it only works if you're logged in.

You can rescind the ignore function any time you like.

Its meant to de-escalate a problem you (speaking generally) may have with another poster.

Its a way for you to take control of what you see and respond to.

If you have an objection to the ignore function thats ok, but you'll get the suggestion from staff to use it if there's some kind of problem between you and another poster.

We'd always rather you guys get proactive than us having to get involved.

Dee
Administrator
SR

Sober369

I have 37 days today! Hooray! It took me years to get it. I believe I will continue to work hard at my recovery and never relapse again. But if I do, I am so glad I can come back to SR for support.
And, I'm so glad I was able to keep coming back here and be honest every time I relapsed, and it was A LOT. I didn't come back for attention. I hated coming back and admitting defeat again and again. There were a few people who posted mean things over the years, but there were so many more who were kind and supportive and gave me great pointers and ideas on how to make it stick.
It makes me very sad and honestly it makes me angry to hear from people who bash on newcomers and people who are continuing to try, fail, try again. But, we have the ignore button, so it's not really a problem. I love SR.

Anna

Great job on 37 days of sobriety, Sober369!

Dee74

I'm really pleased for you Karen - you did the hard yards for sure - you too Sober Rican

D