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Old 10-02-2019, 11:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I know Dee and I have posted about this many times, but, I think it's time for a reminder again.

The Newcomers Forum is a place where people need to feel safe. That doesn't mean we need to accept continued drinking or a relapse. It means we should always post from a place of compassion. Some people may respond to 'tough love', but I believe the majority of newcomers have spent years beating themselves up. I know I did. Be kind, caring and compassionate.

And, remember that we have many guests here at any given time, just reading. What they read will have a major impact on whether or not they decide to post and seek support. I want them to post and not be scared away by harsh words and judgement.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Absolutely agree, however some posts from people who have been relapsing every week for years should be moved to the Alcoholism forum as it’s not appropriate for the Newcomers section. This way posters can actually post appropriately to the actual situation. No-one here would post the same things to a newcomer or to someone in early sobriety that they would to a weekly relapser who’s been doing it for years and taking none of the great advice they have received almost daily for the past few years.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The Newcomers Forum is open to any and all who wish to post here.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I accept that these are the rules of this forum. I will not read nor comment on any of the chronic relapser threads again. It does however seem like perpetual attention seeking without any effort or commitment to attain sobriety. It seems that the support, begging and pleading is feeding the attention seeking and all advice is ignored or probably not even read. Enough said. I abide by the rules and withdraw.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Which means members can post responses to threads as long as they do no break the rules in the newcomers section. You can’t have it both ways, if you want newcomers section to be the fluffy supportive side of recovery that’s fine. But if a habitual relapser who never listens to a word anyone says, is rude to people and causes constant arguments posts in there you can’t expect people to continue to give them fluffy unicorns and rainbows responses.

Recovery is not always pretty and pretending it is is just misleading.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post
But if a habitual relapser who never listens to a word anyone says, is rude to people and causes constant arguments posts in there you can’t expect people to continue to give them fluffy unicorns and rainbows responses.
What I expect and hope is that people who are upset by certain members will stay away from their threads. It's that simple.

And, I have never expected members to always post rainbows and unicorns. What I expect in this Forum is compassion, caring and empathy.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Enabling someone who is beyond the fluffy stuff stage may look “kind” on the surface but is actually quite unkind. Not enabling someone who has passed the fluffy stuff stage can look “unkind” on the surface but is actually the kindest thing you can do.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post
some posts from people who have been relapsing every week for years.
100% agree. If people are relapsing again and again, something needs to change. Sugar-coated words won’t help.

Some of the posts I’ve seen point to mental health issues and not just drinking. People should be careful with their words.


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Old 10-02-2019, 12:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Haven't most of us relapsed again and again and not heeded any advice?? Maybe not documented each time on a public forum? If they frustrate you so much don't read their struggle, it's as real for them as it was/is for you.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I get all sides, I really do. But, it drives me absolutely bananas when posters get high and mighty about recovery to people who are still absolutely sick. I get that it comes from a place of compassion, rough though it may be. It honestly feels like some of these folks really have forgotten the inescapable hell that was once was their reality. I think the posts from the chronic relapsers should stay here as this is where the attention goes to. They need the words of encouragement more than anyone.I am not trying to stir the pot, I swear!!
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by daisy1 View Post
If they frustrate you so much don't read their struggle, it's as real for them as it was/is for you.
I don’t think there’s frustration. It’s more a case of sadness.

But I agree in that if there’s nothing good or constructive to say, maybe best left unsaid.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My only problem is if these posts get the most attention in Newcomers is it taking away from an actual Newcomer who needs the help and may actually utilize the advice. I simply don't comment on the threads because I am not sure I could do so in a kind manner and I can't see encouraging bad behavior,
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If they frustrate you so much don't read their struggle, it's as real for them as it was/is for you.
Why do you all assume I am frustrated? I have an opinion and I am sharing it. You want this to be about me being frustrated so you can deflect from my actual point because it makes people uncomfortable.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I speak as someone who relapsed month after month then had a period of long term years sobriety. Now back in the relapsing month after month period.

I can see both sides but I think we all have to take personal responsibility make decisions and take action for our own sobriety. Yes of course we need help and support and this site is wonderful. But being given help and suggestions and advice is pretty fruitless if it is always ignored. We need to take responsibility for our own recovery make the effort and have some intention of taking action for recovery
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm not clever enough to deflect or anything I'm also just making a point that's valid to me.
I check in here about 20 times a day to help my sober journey and I've started to feel anxious about posters that seem snarly. Maybe they aren't but that's the trouble with typed not spoken words, they can seem harsher than they are perhaps meant.
Going to scout around for a less cranky one! Peace.
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Old 10-02-2019, 12:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Old 10-02-2019, 01:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Neither Dee nor I have ever suggested sugar-coating words. Anyone who believes that is not reading the message correctly. You can, in choosing your words carefully, get your message across in a kind and caring way.
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Old 10-02-2019, 01:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
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We have no control over others.
noun: control

1. the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

We can give respectful suggestions.
noun: suggestion; plural noun: suggestions

1. an idea or plan put forward for consideration.

If you give a suggestion and it is considered and ignored you have the power and control to put that person on "ignore". We control ourselves, not others.
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Old 10-02-2019, 01:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I get all sides, I really do. But, it drives me absolutely bananas when posters get high and mighty about recovery to people who are still absolutely sick. I get that it comes from a place of compassion, rough though it may be. It honestly feels like some of these folks really have forgotten the inescapable hell that was once was their reality. I think the posts from the chronic relapsers should stay here as this is where the attention goes to. They need the words of encouragement more than anyone.I am not trying to stir the pot, I swear!!
I like this, but then I would because I'm one of the people on here who others would cross by on the other side of the street.
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Old 10-02-2019, 01:04 PM   #20 (permalink)
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