The non-alcoholic response to an alcoholic
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
but don't each of the responses HAVE merit?
Their responses were proof.
NO, that is not anything to drink over...<<true. there is nothing worth drinking over.
Your just looking for an excuse...<<also true, we want some reason, i mean excuse to drink.
That would be stupid after almost 60 days...<<true again! you have worked your tushy off to get those 60 days. now is not the time to mess up all that hard work!
Wouldn't you feel terrible about yourself?...<<well......wouldn't ya?
i get that no one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic, but that does not mean that non-alcoholics don't have some common sense?
Their responses were proof.
NO, that is not anything to drink over...<<true. there is nothing worth drinking over.
Your just looking for an excuse...<<also true, we want some reason, i mean excuse to drink.
That would be stupid after almost 60 days...<<true again! you have worked your tushy off to get those 60 days. now is not the time to mess up all that hard work!
Wouldn't you feel terrible about yourself?...<<well......wouldn't ya?
i get that no one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic, but that does not mean that non-alcoholics don't have some common sense?
I'd much rather hear the kind way of the alcoholic...who says....You can do this.....
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Originally Posted by Hodd
To be fair, I started it. I was eating a pasta dish and said it’d taste better with wine. It takes some getting used to, eating dishes that you’d previously accompanied with wine. She didn’t mean any harm. If I showed her the websites and research I’d seen about alcohol dependents being unable to moderate, she’d understand a little more, but she doesn’t drink so that’s good enough for me 😀
Its real good she doesn't drink....for both of you
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
its not just non alcoholic response. ive said and typed similar and read it hundreds of times here.
theres truth in every response,too.
is something as small as what you had occur drink worthy?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
did you ever use an excuse to drink?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
wouldnt it be stupid to drink over something so frivolous?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
would you be happy about drinking??
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies wouldnt
reads like yer lookin for a pity party here with
Dismissive...dismissive and more dismissive no acknowledgement, love or concern regarding the emotional and somewhat physical strain I was going thru today of coping with my panicky feelings on a sober level.
i read love in all 4 replies. not everyone is into giving kudos for doing what you,or we, should have been doing our entire lives. people can also care enough to call ya on your BS.
missy, ya typed a month ago about having the "gift" and a change of psyche. any chance that was a pink cloud,it burst, and not the rubber hit the road? what does the program say to do? remove them and look at yourself?
theres truth in every response,too.
is something as small as what you had occur drink worthy?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
did you ever use an excuse to drink?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
wouldnt it be stupid to drink over something so frivolous?
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies would.
would you be happy about drinking??
been proven here and in the rooms that alkies wouldnt
reads like yer lookin for a pity party here with
Dismissive...dismissive and more dismissive no acknowledgement, love or concern regarding the emotional and somewhat physical strain I was going thru today of coping with my panicky feelings on a sober level.
i read love in all 4 replies. not everyone is into giving kudos for doing what you,or we, should have been doing our entire lives. people can also care enough to call ya on your BS.
missy, ya typed a month ago about having the "gift" and a change of psyche. any chance that was a pink cloud,it burst, and not the rubber hit the road? what does the program say to do? remove them and look at yourself?
I think I type what I think...and I think I read what others think...
And I think all thoughts are good....
Sometimes I just type or post because I want to type or post...
I think that day that I wrote that post...I was reading a lot of "preaching" on here to people that were suffering (in my opinion it took a preachy tone...kind of like this message)….
And I think I would rather hear as "human" vs. an alcoholic...caring, loving thoughts....vs...you f-d up again or your going to f up again...etc....That's all.
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Originally Posted by MantaLady
Have to agree with tomsteve, I have seen those phrases used here many times and used them myself. It’s pretty harsh to say that someone who uses those phrases without some big speech on how hard it is is insensitive, uncaring and dismissive. To say that is a dismissive, insensitive and uncaring statement in itself.
Maybe rather than judging, try to understand why you feel this way. Sounds to me that you felt one of your needs wasn’t being met and your reaction to it not being met is to blame the other party. It’s what alcoholics and addicts do, we’re good at it but thinking this way and not taking accountability for how we feel is how we all ended up here in the first place.
I’d say this experience is an opportunity for growth! x
Maybe rather than judging, try to understand why you feel this way. Sounds to me that you felt one of your needs wasn’t being met and your reaction to it not being met is to blame the other party. It’s what alcoholics and addicts do, we’re good at it but thinking this way and not taking accountability for how we feel is how we all ended up here in the first place.
I’d say this experience is an opportunity for growth! x
Who knows why I think what I think or why I post what I post...I post what I feel in the moment...If people identify....great...If people don't...than what do they say?
Take what you need and leave the rest....
Its still good to see everyones opinons on whatever is posted....it helps everyone to grow.
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Originally Posted by Callas
There are many conditions that people suffer from that nobody who is not in a similar condition will get. I think we expect too much from people and in early sobriety one tends to be a bit touchy. Best is to take a deep breath and try and let negative thoughts go.
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Missy I agree with you. Non alcoholic just don’t understand addiction or triggers or the mental obsession. I didn’t read the whole thread so forgive me if I missed something. Bill W died of emphysema. I was once searching car parks for butts. It was that bad. Thank God I overcame that filthy habit. I lost my ex for a while over it. I still get urges but don’t want back the addiction or my smokers cough. Non smokers don’t understand same as non alcoholic. In some ways it is good my ex is dead so he can’t smoke in front of me.Anyway just saying that you have my support.
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If a non-alcoholic could provide an alcoholic's perspective on why you shouldn't cave in and drink, there would be no support groups, such as AA. Same goes for breast cancer and thousands of other specific difficulties people struggle with every day. Keep that in mind if well-intentioned, and possibly even correct, advice misses the mark for you.
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It's taken me years to understand that non-addicts don't understand - I didn't either before alcohol gripped me. My best friend is struggling to get sober and it frustrates me so much!! And yet I understand and he understands me. I just don't want him to die 
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I still think it’s out of order to call someone dismissive, uncaring and insensitive for using those phrases. I have a normie friend who cares greatly for me, but they are not the kind of person to do all the fluffy stuff, it’s just not how they are and they would use those phrases. That doesn’t mean they don’t care.
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
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One thing that surprised me a great deal when I got sober was that so few of my friends recognized how significant sobriety was to me. They didn't understand my relief, the suffering I did in the past, or the joy I was feeling in the present. Their reactions ranged from blank stares to a casual, "Good for you," that was about as enthusiastic as, "Oh, you've got new shoes."
There was only one non-alcoholic response that showed any depth of understanding. It was from an old girlfriend from years past, whose son was having serious problems with alcohol, and had been hospitalized with alcoholic pancreatitis. She had watched him hallucinating while strapped down to his hospital bed. She was the only one that seemed to understand the significance.
There was only one non-alcoholic response that showed any depth of understanding. It was from an old girlfriend from years past, whose son was having serious problems with alcohol, and had been hospitalized with alcoholic pancreatitis. She had watched him hallucinating while strapped down to his hospital bed. She was the only one that seemed to understand the significance.
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Originally Posted by Misssy2
Yes, but none of those replies are good for an alcoholic...they are not going to make me better....it just makes me feel worse about myself...hence drink more...maybe its just me..
I'd much rather hear the kind way of the alcoholic...who says....You can do this.....
I'd much rather hear the kind way of the alcoholic...who says....You can do this.....
Putting people in my path who (correction to my earlier post as I inverted it) have what I want was and is essential. I needed to change MY ENTIRE LIFE - and plenty of that wasn't going to "sound" nice or "feel" good.
I hated being told I had a victim mentality but yeah, I did like most of us did.
And, what MantaLady said last post- every word.
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Originally Posted by MantaLady
I still think it’s out of order to call someone dismissive, uncaring and insensitive for using those phrases. I have a normie friend who cares greatly for me, but they are not the kind of person to do all the fluffy stuff, it’s just not how they are and they would use those phrases. That doesn’t mean they don’t care.
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
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Originally Posted by MantaLady
I still think it’s out of order to call someone dismissive, uncaring and insensitive for using those phrases. I have a normie friend who cares greatly for me, but they are not the kind of person to do all the fluffy stuff, it’s just not how they are and they would use those phrases. That doesn’t mean they don’t care.
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
It is not a crime to not understand how something feels, I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, loose a close loved one, have bi-polar etc and might not use the right words when I try to talk to someone with those life challenges, but that does not make me or anyone else dismissive uncaring and insensitive.
I have learned that when I ascribe negative motives to someone’s words it’s usually based on the internal story I am telling myself. So for example if someone said “do you think this is the right job for you” I hear “you are not good at your job”. That is not what that person was saying at all but I have layered their words and filled in the gaps with my own insecurities. So instead of taking accountability for my own feelings about myself I have made someone else responsible and then react to them as if they are the ones that said it, when it was me and only me.
I have to remind myself daily to be mindful of this. I have a wipe board on the fridge with “What story are you telling yourself” written on it to remind me that I need to make sure I hear what people are actually saying and not add or twist it with my own internal commentary. I have always suffered with low self esteem and thinking I am not good enough or I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I have learned to tell myself a different story and since I have done that life has got much better. x
I think it depends on the type of people I have in my life where I don't think the words I used are too harsh...at all...and exactly what I must have been experiencing in the moment.
Everyone interprets language their way....
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Originally Posted by DriGuy
One thing that surprised me a great deal when I got sober was that so few of my friends recognized how significant sobriety was to me. They didn't understand my relief, the suffering I did in the past, or the joy I was feeling in the present. Their reactions ranged from blank stares to a casual, "Good for you," that was about as enthusiastic as, "Oh, you've got new shoes."
There was only one non-alcoholic response that showed any depth of understanding. It was from an old girlfriend from years past, whose son was having serious problems with alcohol, and had been hospitalized with alcoholic pancreatitis. She had watched him hallucinating while strapped down to his hospital bed. She was the only one that seemed to understand the significance.
There was only one non-alcoholic response that showed any depth of understanding. It was from an old girlfriend from years past, whose son was having serious problems with alcohol, and had been hospitalized with alcoholic pancreatitis. She had watched him hallucinating while strapped down to his hospital bed. She was the only one that seemed to understand the significance.
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Originally Posted by daisy1
It's taken me years to understand that non-addicts don't understand - I didn't either before alcohol gripped me. My best friend is struggling to get sober and it frustrates me so much!! And yet I understand and he understands me. I just don't want him to die
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Originally Posted by sweetichick1
PS. I am still getting triggered by seeing parties and people having a drink on tv. It seems to be the go to remedy in Australia.
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Originally Posted by dcg
If a non-alcoholic could provide an alcoholic's perspective on why you shouldn't cave in and drink, there would be no support groups, such as AA. Same goes for breast cancer and thousands of other specific difficulties people struggle with every day. Keep that in mind if well-intentioned, and possibly even correct, advice misses the mark for you.
But I have had experiences with many degrading, dismissive people who do not believe in addiction...
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Originally Posted by Misssy2
Yes, but none of those replies are good for an alcoholic...they are not going to make me better....it just makes me feel worse about myself...hence drink more...maybe its just me..
I'd much rather hear the kind way of the alcoholic...who says....You can do this.....
I'd much rather hear the kind way of the alcoholic...who says....You can do this.....
if those replies made me feel worse then the problem is me and there is a solution which doesnt involve anyone but me changing.
MANY replies to MANY threads say,"you can do this" without sayin it.
MANY replies say,"you can do this" by giving suggestions on how.
personally, only saying,"you can do this" isnt supportive. it offers no advise on HOW to do it.
now, if someone says,"you can do this. this is how i did."
or
"you can do this if you_____________."
thats supportive.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all
the men and women merely players.” He forgot to
mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able
to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I
was always glad to point it out, because I knew you
wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance
have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst
of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all
children of God and we each have a right to be here.
When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I
know better than God.
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