Well This Has Ramped Up A Level
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Blacking out is a bad sign of trouble. 
I knew someone who got really drunk, blacked out and drove home. On the way home he was speeding and hit another car and killed the driver. He's in prison for 8 yrs now.
I hope you'll stop drinking before something awful happens to you or someone else.
I knew someone who got really drunk, blacked out and drove home. On the way home he was speeding and hit another car and killed the driver. He's in prison for 8 yrs now. I hope you'll stop drinking before something awful happens to you or someone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Today instead of drinking I attended my first ever AA meeting. I thought that maybe if I listened to everybody else's experience then I could definitely walk away without labelling myself with any sort of problem.
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room and seeing a pattern I really did not want to see!
Thanks to everybody here replying to this thread, today has been full of things I didn't want to hear....
Just completely lost for words right now and don't know what to say
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room and seeing a pattern I really did not want to see!
Thanks to everybody here replying to this thread, today has been full of things I didn't want to hear....
Just completely lost for words right now and don't know what to say
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Dude/dudette, alcoholism is a fatal disease if not treated. The classic texting/emailing song vids is a classic. I can always tell when someone has been drinking if they are doing that. You know you can stop just by not drinking or buying any booze. Not to say its easy but I bet it will be alot easier than you think. I just stopped almost two months ago. You will feel amazing. Your health anxiety will go away, your eyes will be white again, you wont have that crappy feeling, before you black out, of floating in booze. Trust me/us. Everything feels better not drinking. You will be happy again. Your old self again. I switched to booze like 15 years ago and had been drinking a fifth a day from 8am till 8pm. I did it. You can do it. Read around, I guarantee you wont find anyone saying they wish they were still drinking. Try and quit for a day, or at least put down the hard liquor. I was going to switch back to just beer when I got talked out of it on this forum. I switched to 10 beers and no rum one day they 4 beers the next then 0 for 54 days now. It feels awesome. You have to break out of that rut. Change it up before it catches up to your liver. Its no joke. This site can help immensely. Get into it, make it a challenge to quit. Whatever it takes. Oh and by the way, your wallet will thank you. I cant believe how far my paycheck goes now not buying booze. $100 a week make a big difference. Best of luck to you and keep posting here. Lots to learn.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by Houstin 
Today instead of drinking I attended my first ever AA meeting. I thought that maybe if I listened to everybody else's experience then I could definitely walk away without labelling myself with any sort of problem.
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
I (temporarily) quit Facebook before I could face quitting drinking, because of all I would write on it drunk. Some logic eh? The next day login was always terrifying. Facebook isn't scary at all now I don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Houstin,
It sounds like you are awakening to the reality. You might not be there yet, but the seed of worry has been planted.
You can't trust yourself when you drink, you do things that you told your sober self you wouldn't do ever, and now you are mortified and regretful. This is a consequence of your drinking. You have also adjusted your "standards" of drinking and raised your bottom. You said you wouldn't drink the hard stuff, but here you are. Another outcome of your problem.
I know you are afraid to admit that you have a real problem, I beg you to reflect on your situations, consequences and outcomes the next day. The regrets and the worry you feel.
You wonder what you will do at night. I was the same way. So terrified to be triggered once I decided to give up the drink that I changed my environment, my home and went to stay with family until I felt more confident. And then I started changing my habits. My thing was to drink bottles and sit on a particular spot of my couch. Now I sit on the OTHER side. Sounds dumb but I am changing habits. Checking on here nightly helps.
I really hope you don't let too much time pass before you realize the issue is a serious one. If you have to question that you have a problem, you probably do.
Emails are the first consequences, but just like the switch of your alcohol, this too will grow into something worse if you don't stop now.
It sounds like you are awakening to the reality. You might not be there yet, but the seed of worry has been planted.
You can't trust yourself when you drink, you do things that you told your sober self you wouldn't do ever, and now you are mortified and regretful. This is a consequence of your drinking. You have also adjusted your "standards" of drinking and raised your bottom. You said you wouldn't drink the hard stuff, but here you are. Another outcome of your problem.
I know you are afraid to admit that you have a real problem, I beg you to reflect on your situations, consequences and outcomes the next day. The regrets and the worry you feel.
You wonder what you will do at night. I was the same way. So terrified to be triggered once I decided to give up the drink that I changed my environment, my home and went to stay with family until I felt more confident. And then I started changing my habits. My thing was to drink bottles and sit on a particular spot of my couch. Now I sit on the OTHER side. Sounds dumb but I am changing habits. Checking on here nightly helps.
I really hope you don't let too much time pass before you realize the issue is a serious one. If you have to question that you have a problem, you probably do.
Emails are the first consequences, but just like the switch of your alcohol, this too will grow into something worse if you don't stop now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by Houstin
Sorry everybody, I was so consumed within my own mind I forgot to say hello. Thanks for the replies so far, they are certainly challenging, somehow I thought everybody would just agree with me.
Not to sure what to write here, I did manage without a phone and internet for 3 years by living outside, this stopped me making contact with anybody though I was drinking beer and cider back then. It's the spirits that have ramped all of this up in the past month.
Up to a month ago I had never experienced blackouts. In an odd way they became exciting, and yet it's this Emailing thing that is causing me my only problem!
Probably sounds really stupid as all I sent out last night was links to songs via youtube. But on my first sip of spirits I had told myself I would send nothing out at all. I was horrified this morning when I saw the links to songs that I had sent.
This is why I ditched my phone and said about ditching the laptop, also if I label myself with a drinking problem then it will become a reality to me that I have one.
I would not know then what to do with time, I mean night time, I only ever drink at night... Never in the day!
I'm not finding this as easy as I thought posting on here, it seemed like a good idea an hour or 2 ago, now I'm not so sure
Not to sure what to write here, I did manage without a phone and internet for 3 years by living outside, this stopped me making contact with anybody though I was drinking beer and cider back then. It's the spirits that have ramped all of this up in the past month.
Up to a month ago I had never experienced blackouts. In an odd way they became exciting, and yet it's this Emailing thing that is causing me my only problem!
Probably sounds really stupid as all I sent out last night was links to songs via youtube. But on my first sip of spirits I had told myself I would send nothing out at all. I was horrified this morning when I saw the links to songs that I had sent.
This is why I ditched my phone and said about ditching the laptop, also if I label myself with a drinking problem then it will become a reality to me that I have one.
I would not know then what to do with time, I mean night time, I only ever drink at night... Never in the day!
I'm not finding this as easy as I thought posting on here, it seemed like a good idea an hour or 2 ago, now I'm not so sure
I remember taking the "whiskey experiment" a few years before i got sober.
It didn't end well, of course.
We want you to have a better (and even great) life.
And alcoholic drinking is inconsistent with that life.
So we seek to not drink and to lead our lives to good purpose.
Some of pursue different paths to do so, but we usually have a fairly common objective.
We want you to have what we have been given.
We no longer have to go through the inexorable failures associated with trying to cut back on drinking, changing drinking patterns, etc.
I was a very capable drinker, to say the least, but I couldn't quit.
My life eventually got so bad that I sought help in getting sober.
That help has worked without failure for a long time.
We want you to have that life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Thanks for all the support guys. I'm not counting the days but no alcohol has gone through me since I posted. Time seems to of gone all blurry somehow.
Feels mighty strange to be honest and can't seem to sleep at all!
Feels mighty strange to be honest and can't seem to sleep at all!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by Houstin
Today instead of drinking I attended my first ever AA meeting. I thought that maybe if I listened to everybody else's experience then I could definitely walk away without labelling myself with any sort of problem.
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room and seeing a pattern I really did not want to see!
Thanks to everybody here replying to this thread, today has been full of things I didn't want to hear....
Just completely lost for words right now and don't know what to say
It didn't quite work the way I thought, I seemed to find myself connecting with everybody else in the room and seeing a pattern I really did not want to see!
Thanks to everybody here replying to this thread, today has been full of things I didn't want to hear....
Just completely lost for words right now and don't know what to say
The good news is that we figure it out! I used to have many hobbies and many things I liked to do, but drinking crowded all of that out. Free from the booze I rediscovered the person I used to be.
I'm glad you're here, Houstin!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Houstin
Thanks for all the support guys. I'm not counting the days but no alcohol has gone through me since I posted. Time seems to of gone all blurry somehow.
Feels mighty strange to be honest and can't seem to sleep at all!
Feels mighty strange to be honest and can't seem to sleep at all!
I'm really glad you're not drinking. I was pretty fuzzy headed, emotional, mad, sad, and couldn't sleep either.
Keep it going
Go to bed sober tonight, have Zero Regrets in the morning, even if sleep is erratic.
The sleep thing will get better. Heck everything will get better. Keep reading, and keep talking to us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 51
Don't give sleep a second thought. Drowsy, tired but clear-headed and not sick is so preferable to coma then hangover. It wasn't really sleep you were getting when you were drinking anyway. Savor those night moments and morning moments. Even if you would prefer to be asleep (who wouldn't?) you can take so much satisfaction that you are calm and can think, even in the dead of night. Don't fight it. Sleep will eventually come. It is one of the last things to fully return when you become sober. Sometimes sleep can take months or longer to fully return to normal. Again, you haven't really slept anyway since you started drinking heavily so it is really nothing new to fret over. Stay with us here on SR. Glad you are not drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Trying to work out where it all went wrong, I mean where the problem started from.
I have managed to get back to 3 years old and obviously not drinking then, yet that's when the physical abuse started against me.
Still not dwelling on that just realising this was when a seed was set. Drink came along in my early teens and took the mental pain of it all away. Started slowly and grew over many years.
Where I go from here I'm still not sure, I keep going to AA meetings and just sit up the back of the room listening, I don't understand a lot of it and they talk of sponsors and 12 step things. But they don't push any views or demands on you and it helps the evening pass by.
I would recommend it to anybody in the same position, it just helps to not sit somewhere alone with drinking thoughts whizzing around your mind.
Addictions are a nightmare and mine was bred into me at 3, maybe if I could of worked out what abuse would go on to do to me then I could of somehow avoided the whole income. But sadly my mind can play back my whole life from 3 years old but I couldn't see how I could of understood any of it until now, some 47 years later!
Sorry for rambling, just letting it out as I have not found the nerve to say much at an AA meet so far...
I have managed to get back to 3 years old and obviously not drinking then, yet that's when the physical abuse started against me.
Still not dwelling on that just realising this was when a seed was set. Drink came along in my early teens and took the mental pain of it all away. Started slowly and grew over many years.
Where I go from here I'm still not sure, I keep going to AA meetings and just sit up the back of the room listening, I don't understand a lot of it and they talk of sponsors and 12 step things. But they don't push any views or demands on you and it helps the evening pass by.
I would recommend it to anybody in the same position, it just helps to not sit somewhere alone with drinking thoughts whizzing around your mind.
Addictions are a nightmare and mine was bred into me at 3, maybe if I could of worked out what abuse would go on to do to me then I could of somehow avoided the whole income. But sadly my mind can play back my whole life from 3 years old but I couldn't see how I could of understood any of it until now, some 47 years later!
Sorry for rambling, just letting it out as I have not found the nerve to say much at an AA meet so far...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 51
You aren't rambling at all Houstin. It is typical to have sort of scattered thoughts and disorganized mental processes when first sober. It is one of the early ways your alcoholic voice tries to get you to use again. Don't try to figure everything out all at once. It sounds like you have some weighty issues to chew on and figure out and you will do that in time. All you can do is nibble at that mountain a little each day. Your immediate physical world should be your main focus here right now. Be kind to yourself. That 3-year old in there needs some TLC and needs a break. That early teen too. Anyway, your thoughts on all of this are understood by all of us here on SR and we could have written your posts ourselves at early points in our sobriety. Stay with us and we are glad you are here. I'm off to the gym clear-headed and grateful. Nearly 5 months sober. Keep reading and posting here. You feel alone right now but you are not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Sending support your way. Continue to listen, learn,
absorb and apply lessons in what you are hearing to
to add to your everyday life as you build upon it day
after day you dont drink.
Hold on tight to your lifelines and recovery support
like many of us have and continue to do so that no
one is left alone or by ourselves to achieve freedom
from our addictions.
I, myself use the AA program of recovery taught
to me some 28 yrs ago as a guideline for living life
addictions free from alcohol. I sat a many a days
in the back of the room listening, hanging on for
dear life before, I managed to move up and sit amongst
many just like me learning how to strengthen my
recovery foundation so that I could live a happy,
healthy, honest way of life moving forward.
My journey continues still today just as long
as I remember what got me into recovery in
the first place and use it only as a lesson to learn
from.
There are so many recovery tools to pick up
and learn from and use to your advantage so
there should be no excuses to pick up a drink
of poison today.
absorb and apply lessons in what you are hearing to
to add to your everyday life as you build upon it day
after day you dont drink.
Hold on tight to your lifelines and recovery support
like many of us have and continue to do so that no
one is left alone or by ourselves to achieve freedom
from our addictions.
I, myself use the AA program of recovery taught
to me some 28 yrs ago as a guideline for living life
addictions free from alcohol. I sat a many a days
in the back of the room listening, hanging on for
dear life before, I managed to move up and sit amongst
many just like me learning how to strengthen my
recovery foundation so that I could live a happy,
healthy, honest way of life moving forward.
My journey continues still today just as long
as I remember what got me into recovery in
the first place and use it only as a lesson to learn
from.
There are so many recovery tools to pick up
and learn from and use to your advantage so
there should be no excuses to pick up a drink
of poison today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Originally Posted by Houstin
Lost everything to alcohol I'm starting to think. Nothing else to lose kind of attitude then took me on a new journey and within the last month switched from beer to spirits, something I have never done in 30 years of drinking.
One bottle of high percentage spirits and the new journey became blacking out.
And if I'm to be honest I quite liked it because it meant I did not have to live in this real world anymore. Yet staying blacked out is impossible for me to do?
Yet one tiny little thing eats at me, I tend to Email someone and only realise I have done so the next day!
I have enormous respect for this person yet they can drive me crazy at times.
I dumped my phone so I could not text them, I'm wondering if I should dump this laptop as well.
Not sure if I have an alcohol problem, if I tell myself I do then I will, kind of lost completely writing this, sorry if it makes no sense, it doesn't make any sense to me either!
One bottle of high percentage spirits and the new journey became blacking out.
And if I'm to be honest I quite liked it because it meant I did not have to live in this real world anymore. Yet staying blacked out is impossible for me to do?
Yet one tiny little thing eats at me, I tend to Email someone and only realise I have done so the next day!
I have enormous respect for this person yet they can drive me crazy at times.
I dumped my phone so I could not text them, I'm wondering if I should dump this laptop as well.
Not sure if I have an alcohol problem, if I tell myself I do then I will, kind of lost completely writing this, sorry if it makes no sense, it doesn't make any sense to me either!
The thing is I knew what I was doing with the drinking side and me, since losing everything and having the 'nothing now matters attitude' I kept drinking in the hope it would kill me. When I found spirits a month ago and began blacking out I became certain that this would do it.
Yet I never once thought about what else could happen if I had drove my car in this state and ended up crashing it into somebody else, and all this began just looking for a way of stopping Emailing when blacked out..
At the AA meetings a few people have spoke with me, they tell me to just be honest yet I still can't stand up and say what I am saying here. Again just putting this out there and in a way keeping some sort of diary if that's ok to do on this forum?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
