Well This Has Ramped Up A Level
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, Houstin--I am so glad that you found us, and that you are exploring AA, and I congratulate you on your sobriety. Alcohol brought me to the brink of death on more than one occasion, and my sobriety is something that I will never regret. At the age of 59 I am back to school to get my degree in Social Work, making straight As. I've been sober for 3 years 8 months and I never would have accomplished this if I'd been drinking. If I'd been drinking I feel certain I would be dead now- I was well on the way. I wish you all the best on your sober journey, and I hope you stick around and keep posting; SR has been a vital part of my recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Thanks for all of the replies everybody!
I'm not sure AA is for me, I think I need to search for an alternative but will go back anyway for now.
I'm zoning out.. Last night I sat and stared at the card on the table that said 'You are where God meant you to be'
This took me into a daydream of being 3 years old again. My dad was/still is a big church goer, yet at 3 years old I would be knocked out into the world of unconsciousness, very frightening stuff to go through at a young age and never stopped until I was 12. By 12 years old though I actually like it, I use to wish I would never wake up from a beating. Always hit in the same place, a fist to the back of the head, no bruises to see because I had hair I guess...
But I am not dwelling on this because it did do me a favour in a roundabout way, when I started comprehensive school I found that I could stick up for kids that was bullied, and the beauty of it was that other bully kids could not hit as hard as my dad, they did not have the strength so I could fight the bullies quite easily.
That's a positive thing out if it all I guess.
Anyway looking at this card on the table and thinking about God and my Dad I did hear other peoples stories, it's just I could not associate myself with anybody else. My story is totally different and it's really no good me sitting there week after week zoning out.
Also the 12 steps, number 4 is to tell someone you have stole off them, I've never stole off anybody..
My worst story is waking up on top of a roof staring at a crow with my foot wedge in the guttering and being arrested and put in a police cell after falling asleep on a busy motorway in France. Not driving though, I mean I just walked onto the motorway and went to sleep.
Only once I woke up in a French police cell and they told me what I had done did I know.
Sorry if I am boring anybody here, my writing is such of a diary and one day I'll probably read this back and perhaps it will help somehow..
I'm not sure AA is for me, I think I need to search for an alternative but will go back anyway for now.
I'm zoning out.. Last night I sat and stared at the card on the table that said 'You are where God meant you to be'
This took me into a daydream of being 3 years old again. My dad was/still is a big church goer, yet at 3 years old I would be knocked out into the world of unconsciousness, very frightening stuff to go through at a young age and never stopped until I was 12. By 12 years old though I actually like it, I use to wish I would never wake up from a beating. Always hit in the same place, a fist to the back of the head, no bruises to see because I had hair I guess...
But I am not dwelling on this because it did do me a favour in a roundabout way, when I started comprehensive school I found that I could stick up for kids that was bullied, and the beauty of it was that other bully kids could not hit as hard as my dad, they did not have the strength so I could fight the bullies quite easily.
That's a positive thing out if it all I guess.
Anyway looking at this card on the table and thinking about God and my Dad I did hear other peoples stories, it's just I could not associate myself with anybody else. My story is totally different and it's really no good me sitting there week after week zoning out.
Also the 12 steps, number 4 is to tell someone you have stole off them, I've never stole off anybody..
My worst story is waking up on top of a roof staring at a crow with my foot wedge in the guttering and being arrested and put in a police cell after falling asleep on a busy motorway in France. Not driving though, I mean I just walked onto the motorway and went to sleep.
Only once I woke up in a French police cell and they told me what I had done did I know.
Sorry if I am boring anybody here, my writing is such of a diary and one day I'll probably read this back and perhaps it will help somehow..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
When you put down the bottle, the sources of the pain which we drank to suppress start to bubble up.
It's hard at times, but if you can feel the feelings and let the memories unfold it takes a weight off. If you can find forgiveness eventually for yourself and others, healing can happen. It did for me.
I needed to process some of the harder stuff like family abuse with a short term cognitive therapy run, but overall I am so much more at peace.
I think you are doing a great job reflecting on these things and maintaining your sobriety Houstin--
It's hard at times, but if you can feel the feelings and let the memories unfold it takes a weight off. If you can find forgiveness eventually for yourself and others, healing can happen. It did for me.
I needed to process some of the harder stuff like family abuse with a short term cognitive therapy run, but overall I am so much more at peace.
I think you are doing a great job reflecting on these things and maintaining your sobriety Houstin--
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Houstin 
I'm not sure AA is for me, I think I need to search for an alternative but will go back anyway for now.
Originally Posted by Houstin
Also the 12 steps, number 4 is to tell someone you have stole off them, I've never stole off anybody...
Not trying to turn this into an AA lesson. Just trying to encourage you to go, seek to understand so you can make a informed decision about staying or leaving.
Also...
Originally Posted by Houstin
I could not associate myself with anybody else. My story is totally different and it's really no good me sitting there week after week zoning out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Well still not had a drink and this is the longest I have been in years without one..
I'm not sure if the urge to drink should be pecking away at my mind or not but at this moment I have not thought about drinking one bit, my concentration is more focused on the why and how.
My dad still contacts me to this day, we sit and have coffee and he tells me I'm not worthy, if I give myself to Jesus and repent then I will be ok. I sit and listen and in his mind there is no problem whatsoever. Should I say something?
But that's not forgiveness is it? I mean if I say something then I'm not letting go.. And I have said nothing in 50 years already...
Anyway this is how I scrapped my phone a while ago, he asked me to meet him at 10am at a coffee shop and then never showed up. I sat for half an hour waiting then rang him.
He said he had forgotten and so I ditched my phone, I just never wanted to speak to him again if I'm to be honest!
I'm starting to face some situations within myself now, like sofa surfing for the past 15 years for example. Can't see a way out of this semi homeless state in the foreseeable future, I've fallen completely out of the system but to be honest never felt I was born into it in the first place.
Taught to walk and talk and think, then told to sit down, shut up and think how your told. Probably the reason for the beatings, that's the only sense I can make of it...
Never went to the AA meeting last night, I'm going back to the very first one I went to though when I started this thread... Most newcomers ever at that first meeting and every other meet I have been to not a sign of a newbie.
This is the hardest time of my life by far, nobody to speak too!
I do read all of the replies and take in what you say, thanks to everybody posting here it really does mean a lot.
I'm not sure if the urge to drink should be pecking away at my mind or not but at this moment I have not thought about drinking one bit, my concentration is more focused on the why and how.
My dad still contacts me to this day, we sit and have coffee and he tells me I'm not worthy, if I give myself to Jesus and repent then I will be ok. I sit and listen and in his mind there is no problem whatsoever. Should I say something?
But that's not forgiveness is it? I mean if I say something then I'm not letting go.. And I have said nothing in 50 years already...
Anyway this is how I scrapped my phone a while ago, he asked me to meet him at 10am at a coffee shop and then never showed up. I sat for half an hour waiting then rang him.
He said he had forgotten and so I ditched my phone, I just never wanted to speak to him again if I'm to be honest!
I'm starting to face some situations within myself now, like sofa surfing for the past 15 years for example. Can't see a way out of this semi homeless state in the foreseeable future, I've fallen completely out of the system but to be honest never felt I was born into it in the first place.
Taught to walk and talk and think, then told to sit down, shut up and think how your told. Probably the reason for the beatings, that's the only sense I can make of it...
Never went to the AA meeting last night, I'm going back to the very first one I went to though when I started this thread... Most newcomers ever at that first meeting and every other meet I have been to not a sign of a newbie.
This is the hardest time of my life by far, nobody to speak too!
I do read all of the replies and take in what you say, thanks to everybody posting here it really does mean a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Houstin, you are doing very well and I am delighted you are not drinking. Keep trying different meetings. Perhaps even different groups if you have time. As you have experienced, some will feel very helpful. Others not so. It is difficult to find things that help us. The advantage (such a massive one) of these places is they are open and free. You can do your research. It is not like trying a therapist at $60 per hour and deciding to keep going or trying another one.
Since you ask for advice: I would not say anything to your father. What is the point? You are probably still looking for some kind of acknowledgment of the hurt he caused you. I get it (I promise you I fully get it). It won't happen, unless he has made a radical change in his own life. In that case, he would approach you himself.
There is no point in trying to illuminate abusers about their abusive behaviour. Like there is no point in telling someone abusing alcohol they are abusing alcohol. They either already know and do it anyway, or they are in denial.
The most important thing: any attempt to raise the issue could end in a massive drama that can hurt you more than you are. Keep sharing. You do have people to share with here if it makes you feel better. Years of alcohol abuse and bottle up feelings are going to need time to heal. I wish you all the best.
Edit to say that no pun was intended with the 'bottle up' expression
Since you ask for advice: I would not say anything to your father. What is the point? You are probably still looking for some kind of acknowledgment of the hurt he caused you. I get it (I promise you I fully get it). It won't happen, unless he has made a radical change in his own life. In that case, he would approach you himself.
There is no point in trying to illuminate abusers about their abusive behaviour. Like there is no point in telling someone abusing alcohol they are abusing alcohol. They either already know and do it anyway, or they are in denial.
The most important thing: any attempt to raise the issue could end in a massive drama that can hurt you more than you are. Keep sharing. You do have people to share with here if it makes you feel better. Years of alcohol abuse and bottle up feelings are going to need time to heal. I wish you all the best.
Edit to say that no pun was intended with the 'bottle up' expression
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by BackandScared
Houstin, you are doing very well and I am delighted you are not drinking. Keep trying different meetings. Perhaps even different groups if you have time. As you have experienced, some will feel very helpful. Others not so. It is difficult to find things that help us. The advantage (such a massive one) of these places is they are open and free. You can do your research. It is not like trying a therapist at $60 per hour and deciding to keep going or trying another one.
Since you ask for advice: I would not say anything to your father. What is the point? You are probably still looking for some kind of acknowledgment of the hurt he caused you. I get it (I promise you I fully get it). It won't happen, unless he has made a radical change in his own life. In that case, he would approach you himself.
There is no point in trying to illuminate abusers about their abusive behaviour. Like there is no point in telling someone abusing alcohol they are abusing alcohol. They either already know and do it anyway, or they are in denial.
The most important thing: any attempt to raise the issue could end in a massive drama that can hurt you more than you are. Keep sharing. You do have people to share with here if it makes you feel better. Years of alcohol abuse and bottle up feelings are going to need time to heal. I wish you all the best.
Edit to say that no pun was intended with the 'bottle up' expression
Since you ask for advice: I would not say anything to your father. What is the point? You are probably still looking for some kind of acknowledgment of the hurt he caused you. I get it (I promise you I fully get it). It won't happen, unless he has made a radical change in his own life. In that case, he would approach you himself.
There is no point in trying to illuminate abusers about their abusive behaviour. Like there is no point in telling someone abusing alcohol they are abusing alcohol. They either already know and do it anyway, or they are in denial.
The most important thing: any attempt to raise the issue could end in a massive drama that can hurt you more than you are. Keep sharing. You do have people to share with here if it makes you feel better. Years of alcohol abuse and bottle up feelings are going to need time to heal. I wish you all the best.
Edit to say that no pun was intended with the 'bottle up' expression
Definitely understand going over the past and looking at reasons and hurt that steered you down the path you are on. I have an emotionally abusive ex who has not let up even though I left him over 8 years ago. I have tried and tried to tell him how he makes me feel but it does no good. He doesn't see it or care and it only gets me more upset.
I fear talking to your father at this point might lead to the same conclusion. And you might actually have to give it a try to feel better yourself, but maybe now is not the time, so new into sobriety?
Lastly, what can you do to start creating a different life you would like? What does that look like for you? A job? A place of your own? Therapy to figure out your old and current pain? Going back to school? Getting in shape? A mega sailing yacht to sail the seven seas? Whatever it is you can start researching how you can make that happen. It won't be easy, god knows I know that from personal experience, but with some determination and patience you can achieve some, if not all, of your goals. There are surely public services in the area that can help with things like housing, mental health care and a job search. It can be frustrating at times as the system is often overwhelmed but it is possible if you keep at it. I hope you still have your phone and computer, those will help you with gathering information on where to go and who to talk to.
I am really proud of you and it is clear I am not alone. You have a team of supporters here, we are all behind you. If you get up the courage to speak to someone at AA, even before or after a meeting, I would recommend it. You don't have to talk infant of everyone if you don't want to. That said, I have heard a number of people go "off topic" during a meeting and say "I just had to get this out..." and then gone on to talk about something bothering them. It is even perfectly fine to say "I don't know what I am doing here, i don't know how this works, I was abused as a child and don't know how to forgive my dad, I am not sure if being here is even helping me" You could do something like that and I am sure someone would approach you after the meeting to talk. I think you will find the many other people felt like that at one point. All the forgiving stuff comes later in the steps, right now it is all about you and keeping yourself safe from harm.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Houstin, your father is damaged in some way. We all are. I don't know what causes/caused him to be like he is, but that doesn't even matter. One thing you'll hear in AA meetings is, "Some are sicker than others."
I (and many many others here) had to go no contact with my mother for a lot of years. She and I just could not be in the same room together. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse when I was growing up. The best thing for both of us was to stay away from each other for a while. In time I came to forgiveness - but it's a process. We were able to be in contact and I was able to walk away from her when she started in on her particular brand of crazy. At the end of her life, we had a fairly decent relationship, but only because I ignored 80% of the words that came out of her mouth. I still lived 3000 miles away though! That was a good distance.
You can create a good life for yourself given a bit of sober time. Keep it going.
I (and many many others here) had to go no contact with my mother for a lot of years. She and I just could not be in the same room together. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse when I was growing up. The best thing for both of us was to stay away from each other for a while. In time I came to forgiveness - but it's a process. We were able to be in contact and I was able to walk away from her when she started in on her particular brand of crazy. At the end of her life, we had a fairly decent relationship, but only because I ignored 80% of the words that came out of her mouth. I still lived 3000 miles away though! That was a good distance.
You can create a good life for yourself given a bit of sober time. Keep it going.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Anna
It's not the phone and laptop that are the problems.
Alcohol is the problem. I hope you make the decision to stop drinking.
Alcohol is the problem. I hope you make the decision to stop drinking.
We've all had some version of [blaming the electronics, trying to find a solution other than getting sober...] so we do get it. And for me, family issues, cleaning up my mess of a life, etc, ALL had to come after I got sober and took it one day at a time.
Glad you are going to go to a meeting.
Lots of support here for the first tough part- quitting, the next- how to stay- and the ongoing part about supporting each other as we live sober.
Hope you stay with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Some great advice on this board and so reassuring to know I'm not so alone here! 
Around an hour ago I joined a gym, many moons ago I used to go and thought this would be a good diversion. Not sure if it is the right thing to do but feel like I need a diversion.
Gyms have certainly changed since I was in them last, the instructor gave me a tour and said, 'what machines do you like?' I looked around and replied, 'those vending machines over there'...
Certainly has changed since I was in a gym last!
Around an hour ago I joined a gym, many moons ago I used to go and thought this would be a good diversion. Not sure if it is the right thing to do but feel like I need a diversion.
Gyms have certainly changed since I was in them last, the instructor gave me a tour and said, 'what machines do you like?' I looked around and replied, 'those vending machines over there'...
Certainly has changed since I was in a gym last!
Last edited by Houstin; 08-07-2019 at 08:36 AM. Reason: spelling mistake
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Not even a week has passed and I've gone from blackout drunk to being in AA meetings and last night my first time back at the gym for many many years.
I felt like a dinosaur at the gym, you need to be a computer programmer to work the treadmills, but I was pleased to see that the machines now have a large deep hole on each of them so there is somewhere to put your pringles!
I'm kind of looking forward to the AA meeting tomorrow night, it's the one I started with when I started this thread. I spoke to more people there than I have in all of the other ones, maybe I will strike up the courage to stand up and actually say something, I don't know?
Sleeping has gone completely out of the window, all I do is lay there thinking, playing my whole life back in a way, discovering things I have never spoke out about before. things that bother me mainly not just with myself but with life as well... I have suffered from depression and to get out of that you have to find happiness, once you find happiness you can move back into living life, which is depressing...
Something else I must do is start to think about working again, and not for payment of alcohol. This time I must charge money and give it away as I don't need any now, I can't make myself happy anymore and my original plan has gone South, my children (21 & 23 y/o) have said to me recently, 'are we not a reason to live for' and if I was drunk I would of lied and said 'yes'... But being sober I just replied 'I can't live my life for anybody, I need to find the reason for myself'
Some of this honesty is proving quite difficult, but I know I must stick with it, I'm not mean to them and they know that, it's just I can't say what people want me to say, that's been another problem all of my life.
I felt like a dinosaur at the gym, you need to be a computer programmer to work the treadmills, but I was pleased to see that the machines now have a large deep hole on each of them so there is somewhere to put your pringles!
I'm kind of looking forward to the AA meeting tomorrow night, it's the one I started with when I started this thread. I spoke to more people there than I have in all of the other ones, maybe I will strike up the courage to stand up and actually say something, I don't know?
Sleeping has gone completely out of the window, all I do is lay there thinking, playing my whole life back in a way, discovering things I have never spoke out about before. things that bother me mainly not just with myself but with life as well... I have suffered from depression and to get out of that you have to find happiness, once you find happiness you can move back into living life, which is depressing...
Something else I must do is start to think about working again, and not for payment of alcohol. This time I must charge money and give it away as I don't need any now, I can't make myself happy anymore and my original plan has gone South, my children (21 & 23 y/o) have said to me recently, 'are we not a reason to live for' and if I was drunk I would of lied and said 'yes'... But being sober I just replied 'I can't live my life for anybody, I need to find the reason for myself'
Some of this honesty is proving quite difficult, but I know I must stick with it, I'm not mean to them and they know that, it's just I can't say what people want me to say, that's been another problem all of my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I'm a people-pleaser too due to childhood trauma but have learned to set boundaries and be more honest with my truths in sobriety. Those ruminations about life are part of healing. You have to let the poison out and clean the wound before it can close.
The insomnia will get better the longer you're sober. I have it bad the first week but you won't believe how well you will sleep in just a few weeks. Passing out got me to sleep but I got very little rest if you know what I mean.
You are really doing some amazing recovery quickly H. Be proud of yourself!
The insomnia will get better the longer you're sober. I have it bad the first week but you won't believe how well you will sleep in just a few weeks. Passing out got me to sleep but I got very little rest if you know what I mean.
You are really doing some amazing recovery quickly H. Be proud of yourself!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
As you have probably heard at meetings, "keep coming back" - it all sounds weird and like people use inside sayings and acronyms that don't make sense. Which is true- and with time you learn them. There is a lot to digest so don't rush yourself.
I'd get a copy of the big book (the big blue one that is the cornerstone of the program) and see about asking someone to sponsor you. That will be the best way to learn the program - and you can do the steps at a pace that works for you. Around here we have "temporary sponsors" to get started- if your meetings don't ask people who will sponsor to raise their hands, I'd suggesting going to the leader (or someone you've seen before and like what they said) and ask about getting a sponsor.
And- I probably didn't speak for 6 wks, so that's not making you weird, either
So glad you are here - willingness to face our alcoholism is the beginning of what can be a beautiful sober life. Promise.
I'd get a copy of the big book (the big blue one that is the cornerstone of the program) and see about asking someone to sponsor you. That will be the best way to learn the program - and you can do the steps at a pace that works for you. Around here we have "temporary sponsors" to get started- if your meetings don't ask people who will sponsor to raise their hands, I'd suggesting going to the leader (or someone you've seen before and like what they said) and ask about getting a sponsor.
And- I probably didn't speak for 6 wks, so that's not making you weird, either
So glad you are here - willingness to face our alcoholism is the beginning of what can be a beautiful sober life. Promise.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Well, the thought of you on a treadmill with a can of Pringles by your side, has certainly brightened up my day. Honestly, this entire thread has brightened up my day. You're doing so great. Take it slow. Don't aim too high at the gym. One day at a time. Your sleep will start improving, and things will just get better and better. Thanks for sharing with us. I look forward to hearing more of your story Houstin.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
I felt like going to the gym tonight, but I sat down instead and waited for the feeling to pass...
It's not that I'm giving up on it all, just kind of feels like I have been in a race for the past week and running way to fast since I left the starting block. One day is just rolling in another and time is still a blur.
Went for a walk today with my son and his mum. Brought them an ice cream from the ice cream van and found myself comparing the prices to alcohol. For the cost of 3 ice creams would of cost the same to get drunk. Obviously not as damaging though!
My fitness levels are very low and I left them to walk on there own whilst I turned back, I guess the heat didn't help either with the sun scorching down...
Afterwards ended up sat by the canal having some lunch, my son had 2 glasses of beer whilst I drank coke. I need to find a soft drink that I like, coke was the first thing that come to mind as I never drink soft drinks, well apart from semi skimmed milk, but I've never heard anyone ask for a pint of semi skimmed milk in a pub before?
Also I ended up lecturing my son at how alcohol can make problems and stress levels magically dissapear, only to come back again tomorrow with a vengance and the problem just getting bigger like a snowball, as years pass by the problems get bigger because they are never dealt with and so does the alcohol intake.
I'm not sure what I was trying to say to be honest, but I guess I just do not want him travelling the same path as me in the future!
It's not that I'm giving up on it all, just kind of feels like I have been in a race for the past week and running way to fast since I left the starting block. One day is just rolling in another and time is still a blur.
Went for a walk today with my son and his mum. Brought them an ice cream from the ice cream van and found myself comparing the prices to alcohol. For the cost of 3 ice creams would of cost the same to get drunk. Obviously not as damaging though!
My fitness levels are very low and I left them to walk on there own whilst I turned back, I guess the heat didn't help either with the sun scorching down...
Afterwards ended up sat by the canal having some lunch, my son had 2 glasses of beer whilst I drank coke. I need to find a soft drink that I like, coke was the first thing that come to mind as I never drink soft drinks, well apart from semi skimmed milk, but I've never heard anyone ask for a pint of semi skimmed milk in a pub before?
Also I ended up lecturing my son at how alcohol can make problems and stress levels magically dissapear, only to come back again tomorrow with a vengance and the problem just getting bigger like a snowball, as years pass by the problems get bigger because they are never dealt with and so does the alcohol intake.
I'm not sure what I was trying to say to be honest, but I guess I just do not want him travelling the same path as me in the future!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Houstin,
I freaking love that you are going to meetings. All you need to do is sit, listen and try to see what you can take from what people say.
I can only speak for myself, but going everyday and trying to meet as many people as I can, and really diving into it has helped me immensely. The support that I get there and here is the recipe for success for ME. You will find what works for you!
Don't be afraid to share if you feel driven to, remember that just like here, everyone wants you to succeed and everyone's cards are on the table...we have no more options.
Keep it up!
I freaking love that you are going to meetings. All you need to do is sit, listen and try to see what you can take from what people say.
I can only speak for myself, but going everyday and trying to meet as many people as I can, and really diving into it has helped me immensely. The support that I get there and here is the recipe for success for ME. You will find what works for you!
Don't be afraid to share if you feel driven to, remember that just like here, everyone wants you to succeed and everyone's cards are on the table...we have no more options.
Keep it up!
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