Houstin

I had to look at the date I originally posted this to know it is one week today without a drink. It honestly feels like only yesterday!


Secondly and I'm not sure how but I find myself coming here and reading all the replies twice a day. I'm amazed at the support and understanding of folk as well, I might not be replying individually but I am taking everything said on board so again I would like to say a massive thankyou to everyone!


One funny thing and going back to the start with my opening post about ditching the laptop, well it has started to play up, I turn it on and the blue screen comes up, I have to force restart it and it then goes through a disk check saying there are errors, takes me half an hour to get it started. 3 mornings in a row now this has been happening!

Still not sleeping much and when I do I'm having the most peculiar dreams. Last night I was thinking about forgiveness, I'm not really sure how that works as I don't blame my dad, I just can't understand it. I am a parent to a son and daughter and never once hit them, well except once when my daughter put a spoon in an electrical socket, I slapped her leg when she was 2 and she never did it again. It still does not sit comfortable within me now but I know electrics only to well and if it hadn't burnt her hand seriously then it could of killed her!


My dream last night was based around acceptance, accepting what happen throughout my past... How on earth do you do that? Is that like forgetting or something? I'm really stuck on this part today...


Meeting tonight at the first place I started at, looking forward to it unlike last week when I was a complete barrel of nerves!

August252015

Proud of you and enjoying your updates! A few notes

I think most of us who get started engaging and posting here know the feeling of checking in lots every day! My first sober job was at Chick Fil A (fast food) and on my 30 min break I would eat and use the app (even tho it kinda sucks )

And, that whole working the step thing....one HUGE part of it is how to "not regret the past nor shut the door on it" - things you address in steps 4 and 5....they are in order for a reason, which is a big part of why getting a sponsor to take you through them starting with step one (acceptance) is the recommended way to go. We all have lots of regret and worry and....going to meetings is the best start in the first week!! Like I said, you can get to understand the program- and get help from those who've done the work.

Also....a gentle suggestion: don't talk to your kid about the perils of drinking yet. I wanted to see sobriety from my mom - not hear why she did what she did, or this was the real time she was quitting, or anything much especially at one week! Regardless of a kid's age- we know there is a problem. We might not have the words for it- but IME, we really want a parent who's "better" - the talking and advice (eep) can come MUCH later.

Keep going - have a great SOBER weekend!

Tailai

Houstin

The meeting tonight made me feel uncomfortable, last week there was a few new people, tonight there was none except me.

Tonight everyone seemed to mention God in every other sentence, I'm not saying I have a problem with this because God was beaten into me from 3 years old. My dad has followed God since before I was born and is actively involved in the church today, he practically runs it!

Personally I have always believed in the universe, I get a lot out of star gazing, I get more answers doing that than I do anywhere else!
Tonight I remembered where I had come from in literally a week, desperately trying to kill myself with drink all from asking a question about ditching this laptop which is now going on the blink anyway.
In one week I've attended AA, joined a gym and am seeing a customer tomorrow who needs a bathroom fitted and a few other things.

My first brush with suicide was when I was 12, I really wanted to stay in the unconsciousness my father had kindly introduced me too at the age of 3. After that failed I began a journey fighting for the kids that was picked on at school.

5 years ago after a heavy nights drinking I woke up and decided I had had enough, for an hour I carefully planned my exit. I wont go into detail because I don't want to set anyone off here that might be reading. But it was planned down to a fine tee and I was not drinking that Saturday morning, no way it should of failed yet somehow it did. And I did not get away Scott free either, from that moment of failure I now have this loud ringing noise in my ears.

Anyway afterwards nothing really changed, I still drank yet I had given up on suicide as I gave that one attempt all of my energy and was left thinking something wanted me to stay here... I carried on drinking though, living outside and then sofa surfing. When I switched drinks and started blacking out a month ago this caused me to become hopeful of staying blacked out permanently, it was only the fact that I was Emailing the kids mum in blackout stages that caused me great concern, then when someone here pointed out I could end up killing somebody else by driving blacked out then that bothered me so much I knew drinking had to stop...


I'm more lost now than I ever have been in all of my life, what a great big ginormous mess!!!

biminiblue

But now it's a good sober mess. Not many people come to sobriety at a high point in their life.

Good news is it's all going to be getting better, not worse.

Don't get too hung up on the Higher Power thing in AA. I bet if you asked, they would tell you stories about how they came to AA, and there are always a few people in any meeting who don't have a good "relationship" with religion/the god of their childhood. Atheists, Agnostics, Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, lapsed Catholics, garden variety Christians - they're all in those rooms and everyone is welcome.

Zevin

Houstin.... don't drink. Just for one more day.

yinzer

The first sober weeks, and even months, are often difficult physically and mentally. Sleeping might be tough for a while, but it seems that I feel better after four hours sober sleep than I used to after 10 hours of bed time after a drunk night.
You’ve had a rough past, that’s for sure, but you are doing very well! I enjoy your posts and updates. Keep going; we are all here for you!

Misssy2

I hate when AA is all about God...but every meeting and every night will not be like that..you just have to take what you NEED from the meeting and leave the rest....

Just the fact that you WENT and did something positive for yourself is something you did GET from the meeting.

August252015

Sometimes the whole "my Higher Power," or caveating that yours isn't a Christian god gets REALLY old. I've accepted that people might mean [whatever] when they use "God" - which also might mean "god" lower case....and I don't know what that is. Getting hung up on this one word and seeing AA as religious (rather than SOME people in AA are "religious" in the traditional sense of Christianity, but many are not) rather than about believing in SOMETHING bigger than us is missing the point.

Keep going Houstin. All these questions and fears and worries are stuff most of us had at the beginning, have along the way though less/different, and need TIME to sort themselves out with the help we choose.

Houstin

Yesterday (Saturday) I never posted on here at all, it's the first day since starting this thread that I wrote nothing.
If I'm to be honest I became nervous, sounds silly right as nobody knows who I am yet a certain fear over came me.

I still have not had the desire to drink, most of my time is took up by thinking and playing my life back from 3 years old. I'm coming up against a lot of things here and can see the path I followed was full of battling. Fighting for the weaker kids then fighting the whole system after that, never settled down in the correct manner though did meet a girl and ended up getting married and having 2 children, but even then I left when the kids was 5 and 3 because deep down I knew I didn't want them growing up with me as an influence, I mean how I am and see the world would of meant they grew up confused being told by teachers, friends and the likes of the complete opposite to what I was saying. Leaving did not mean I was not around though, I would be there in the background and got involved when I felt I had too. Like school for example when my daughter had really bad anxiety at school and stopped eating, I walked in and saw the headmaster face to face. According to the headmaster I was the first person to ever come and see him directly and I wondered who else I was suppose to go and talk to?
I also got involved in a case of bullying when my daughter was 9, someone had set up a facebook page and all the kids was targeting this one girl, telling her to die and calling her names.
The school knew about it but did nothing, so I set up a false Facebook account and wrote on there I was an internet investigator and was busy tracking down all the kids involved, the page vanished almost instantaneously.


Last night I had a dream my mum was still alive, she died in one hospital when my daughter was being born in another, this was a strange time as my daughter took a week to be born, and in the end was delivered by caesarean.

So from one hospital to the other I spent my days, life coming in and life going out. I actually went through my mums funeral with her on Xmas Day, I said to her I did not really see the point of funerals as the person was gone, so she said we could go through the funeral there and then. So we did, she showed me a favourite reading she had on her and it was called 'footsteps in the sand' I read it out and then went over a couple of songs she wanted people to sing. Not normal songs but the ones people sing in churches. The lord is my shepherd was one of them ….


Anyway last night in my dream she was in the house I grew up in, nobody else was there and she told me it was time to wake up, let the past go and start again from now, she read the poem 'footsteps in the sand' to me...

Tailai

Standing up for injustice is something I did for years & years. The fights. I had one guy stalking me for a year to get even. It’s a huge burden to carry around. Eventually I had to let it go. I did my part.

Hawkeye13

I think whether dream or visit, your mother is offering you loving advice.

Houstin

Well it is 2 weeks ago today that I stopped drinking.
Dreaming is constant and last night an asteroid was talking to me, quite odd in fact.
No desire to drink at all which I also find odd, by now I really would of thought that fancying a drink would of cropped up but nothing at all.

AA meeting tonight which after last week I said would not go again, but guess will go and see just in case I'm missing something in these early days.

Suicidal stuff has not gone away yet other things are changing drastically around me with family, an ambulance is sat outside whilst I type this but not here for me!

Still managing to go to the gym, everywhere I go at the moment is signs everywhere. At AA and the gym.
Last night I clocked a sign in the gym which said 'Nothing is impossible' I kind of thought, 'maybe true, until you try cancelling your gym membership!'

Hawkeye13

You really do have a terrific sense of humor Houston

You’re doing great. Healing takes time, but I think all the dreams are our mind’s way of bringing issues to the surface to process. What about a short course of therapy to work through some burdens you’ve carried a lifetime? I found that really helpful in early sobriety.

Dropsie

Houstin,

Congratulations on 2 weeks. It is wonderful to read your posts and see how far you have come.

On the higher power in AA, it definitely was not a christian god if you read the history of those guys.

I was never very spiritual at all until I started down this path. I now realize the benefits to be achieved if one can really have faith that its all going to be ok and if its not OK its not the end. And that the universe is really trying to help us if we let it. And even if the universe is internal, imagine what I could achieve if I could just get out of my own way....

I struggle with that myself, but I now know in my soul that from faith in something (whatever that is) comes grace and from grace comes peace, which is all I really want. But getting to that place is work.

The notion of having faith is new to me, so I am trying but not always succeeded. I stopped drinking few years ago, but have replaced it with other self defeating behaviours that are hard to ditch.

But when I see folks like you, it gives me hope. Your spirit of justice and what is right is what we all aspire to.

Thanks.

Meraviglioso

Houston, you are doing amazing, congratulations! I too love your sense of humour. I relate to the suicidal thoughts, I had them terribly when drinking and also during the first few weeks of sobriety, but I am happy to report that they passed for me, I hope that is the case for you. If not, what about seeing a specialist?

Reading about your struggle with god and the higher power in AA I thought of this poem, which I quite like. I have heard other report that they hate it, but I'll let you decide how you feel about it.

(oh jesus, I just realised this is going to sound like one of those signs at the gym )

Desiderata
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927

Houstin

Just got back from the AA meeting, quite ironic really as half way through the meeting I got the first strong desire to drink.

I'm having real trouble with the God/spiritual side, on average 80% of people talk about how God is the only one stopping them drinking, they throw a lot of praise Gods way and with eye contact kind of express how important God is!
I don't have trouble with whatever helps anybody to stay off the drink, where I have trouble is the God they refer to is the same one my dad worships. And his God is mighty violent as I have already wrote about in this thread.

I don't hold this against him, I'm sure we will meet up for coffee in the future soon and he will tell me I'm not worthy like he always seems to say, )I will appear calm and just put up with that)

Neither do I want to stand up in a meeting and say all of this in case it triggers somebody else who is struggling, so I'm stuck...

Well off to the gym now to try and forget all of what just happened!

Zevin

You are doing great!
Maybe skip coffee with your Dad for awhile?

August252015

I'd submit to you something that has a lot of meanings and contexts: we never know all of someone's thoughts. Assuming that others' gods are the same as your dad's can only hurt your progress.

Like I've said,the steps are in place for a reason and it's not til 3 and forward that spirituality/HP/whatever you call it, enters the picture.

Dee74

I didn't 'do' AA but I always liked the idea of a power bigger than me.
For me when I got here to SR that higher power was the community here.

I found support and security in the idea that I was plugged into something that was bigger and more powerful than I was.

I can see no reason why someone shouldn't find that in an AA home group...if not your current one, maybe a different one Houstin?

D