theVman31

I was just thinking it's been a while since we had a turtle hello trachemys style...
Hope life is treating you fine Trach.

. MANTA

Hawkeye13

Get to your allotment Manta at dawn or dusk and get your hands deep in the soil and just feel it between your bare fingers and then plant some baby plants or seeds.

It's like hugging Mother Earth and very emotionally grounding.

And when they grow, she is hugging you back--saturating you in that unconditional approval and love most of us missed in childhood and beyond.

All feelings need to be seen,felt, observed to keep our channel clear. When they come isn't a matter for the small soul but part of the scheduling of the big calendar of our greater self.

Be at peace--all is well

STDragon

Hi Manta I was missing you. has it really been nearly a year aleady? wow. How is the job going?

saoutchik

Sorry you're feeling flat Manta. I remember feeling that ways about a month AFTER reaching the year mark but you should get a lift when you reach the actual year.

One of my spreadsheets passed row 1,000 this morning so I am having a glazed donut in a minute to celebrate (or comiserate)

MLD51

Nice to see you, Manta. Sorry you are feeling flat - I have had lots of times like that. I have had different feelings about my milestones along the way. At a year, I felt a bit disappointed that my life wasn't all "fixed" yet. That was an unrealistic expectation, though. I had to take a look at things and realize that it was going to take time, maybe lots of it, and that a year, or two years, or whatever, is not some magical thing. I patted myself on the back, acknowledged the day, and congratulated myself on the PROGRESS I was making.

Like MB said:

There is a difference between acknowledging an achievement - "Yes, I did it. I am stronger than I thought" - and being obsessed with the dogmatic emotional outfit to wear which matches the magnitude of achievement.

biminiblue

I'm not a big celebrator of my own milestones. A year was a significant one, though. Marking the years seems appropriate. Reflection is part of that. Memories come up that aren't necessarily good ones. I have to purposely look at the good, because my brain wants me to only remember the bad.

I'd say go to an AA meeting and tell your story, Manta. That will result in hugs, clapping and most likely cake! If you're really lucky, pie! Not only that, maybe helping someone would make it all make sense, or even just saying it out loud would help with perspective. I know it does for me.

I don't know, I kind of feel a mix of pride and shame around soberversaries. I mean, I don't really think I deserve kudos for doing something I should be doing (remaining sober) and yet it's a big deal. Cognitive dissonance is a thing. Tension between this and that. All of life seems to be like that for me.

Congrats on the almost year, though. We get it.

MLD51

Yeah, a mix of pride and shame is a good way of putting how I feel on anniversaries. Pride that I've made it this far, but a bit of shame about some of the things that got me to the point that I even NEED soberversaries.

And going to a meeting is a great idea. It's so useful to newcomers to see people getting to those milestones.

biminiblue

I guess I would add that only the first one felt that way to me. Every soberversary since has been more or less, "Meh."

Except Year 5. That meant something. That was a really significant point of no return for me. If I ever picked up a drink again I may as well just put a pistol to my head because that's how dumb it would be at this point.

MLD51

I'm looking forward to 5. December. That will be kind of a big deal to me, also. I might get myself a pie.

Actually, I am planning a tattoo.

saoutchik

I feel sad about my drinking but none at all about reaching milestones. Quitting alcohol is the hardest thing I have ever done and I really thought I was too far gone to make it so I enjoy mine.

biminiblue

There is this one young guy who is on the construction crew and he is very handsome. He knows it, too - and nothing wrong with that. He checks himself out in the truck side mirrors and the big windows on our buildings. Every day he is dressed in nice clothes for his constuction job.. Things match, they are fashionable. He looks good in his organized toolbelt. His hard hat has some style and everything is clean and pressed.

here's the lol part.

He's working on my deck, three feet away from me. I have levelours/blinds but I can kinda see him.

Is it wrong that I'm enjoying watching him work? Please say no.

I should probably go do those chores. The ones out of the house.

MLD51

Bim.

You're human. Enjoy it.

theVman31

Bim does he have any Snap-on, stahlwille or Stanley gear on him...?

biminiblue

...and here I am trying to read his tools on his toolbelt? ! ?

Stahp!

Mags1

Bim, , you brought to mind a Diet Coke ad we have over here, you may have it too, all the ladies are watching the worker drink his can of coke. With his top off!

Mags1

Bim,

MidnightBlue

I wish we had some handsome workers around to provide some aesthetic pleasure to my eyes.

How dare you enjoy watching him, Bim. You should put blinders and wear them non-stop)

MantaLady

Thanks everyone! So many different viewpoints and things to consider and all your posts have been super helpful

Mags - The bit about feeling vunerable speaks to me. I guess I am feeling vunerable and I don't like it lol. I think rewatching some Brene Brown talks on vunerability might be an idea, I have always found that she reminds me what being truly vunerable is in a way my brain just gets!

MB - Absolutely feel this >> "There is a difference between acknowledging an achievement - "Yes, I did it. I am stronger than I thought" - and being obsessed with the dogmatic emotional outfit to wear which matches the magnitude of achievement". I am putting unrealistic and the other peoples expecations on my own shoulders! So what if I am not super excited about it, who says I should be? Your so right! I feel you, Bim and I have very similar personalities and I don't see us as particularly overly sentimental ladies, we are quite sarcastic, with very dry senses of humour and don't really do the rainbows and unicorns $hit lol.

Andy - FUN....what's that? Haha! You gave me something else to think about because to be fair I am not doing many fun things. I work, sleep well, eat well and live without drama but I am not doing anything more than that. I have kind of forgotten to add in fun things to do so will definately try and work on that.

Hawkeye - I have been lazy and procrastinating too much regarding the allotment. I haven't done bugger all on it, no digging or planting. I am kind of wanting the fruits of being an allotment holder without doing the work...instant gratification and addictive thinking at it's best so I need to shake out of it and just crack on with planting!

MLD - This >> "At a year, I felt a bit disappointed that my life wasn't all "fixed" yet". I guess I am feeling a little bit like that when I think about it and your right that it's progress not perfection and an ongoing commitment to change and growth, and to be proud of where I am now instead of unhappy about where I have not yet reached!

Bim - This >> "I'd say go to an AA meeting and tell your story, Manta. That will result in hugs, clapping and most likely cake! If you're really lucky, pie!". Obviously the most important part of that is cake and pies haha but funny you should mention going to an AA meeting as I thought the same thing after I posted this morning. I went to AA and NA meetings a few times a week in Thailand outside the rehab, and have only been to one meeting since I returned to the UK. Just wasn't my bag at all but for some reason this morning I just felt that going to a meeting would be a good idea so thanks for suggesting it.

Dragon - The job is going ok, bit boring and my addict brain is missing the fast paced traumatic stressful jobs I used to have...but I know that is a complete illusion and if I was back in my old job I would be an angry, unhappy person spending most of my free time fighting off the urge to drink to be able to deal with the stress. So, I am reminding myself to be grateful for what I am doing now!

Again, thanks for all your thoughts, given me a lot to think about and put some things into perspective for me xx

biminiblue

Maybe you haven't seen my two thousand posts about the miserable past six months of construction intrusion. I call this a little oasis in the middle of a very dark desert.

It's been so hard to have windows covered and all the noise...men coming in my space with no notice.

...and I did close the drapes because distracting!! New batteries in the noise cancelling headphones, can't see or hear anything. He kinda ruined it by talking nonstop on his phone two feet away from me. I don't need this info about you, buddy.

Thankfully he speaks in Spanish so I only got about half of it.

Hawkeye13

I think my strategy would be not to read, but to imagine his toolbelt hitting the floor with a thump. . .

And then imagined history, which is better than reality at my age