Bought a bottle but don't plan on drinking it
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
HA bimini - you're hilarious. And yes, I did go to the reunion!
Tetraz, it's been an hour and a half or so since you started this thread (and my little active user viewing thing says you are here now too) - what's going on? Still have the bottle?
Tetraz, it's been an hour and a half or so since you started this thread (and my little active user viewing thing says you are here now too) - what's going on? Still have the bottle?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Based on my own experiences, I think it sounds like you're an alcoholic who is planning to relapse.
I'm an alcoholic who is not planning to relapse. I have relapsed before. The last time I did, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". In fact, almost every time I relapsed, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". Buying it allowed me to "reserve the right to drink it if I want (need) to" which I rationalized also meant "reserving the right to NOT drink it if I want (need) to".
If I go out and buy something for a trip because the place I'm going doesn't have said thing available, it's because I plan to use it.
I can't have gluten, it causes a pretty gross autoimmune response for me. I mean, I can have it, I have free will. But there are consequences. I wish there weren't and frankly I can be pretty bitter about it sometimes but thems the brakes. I don't buy bread. Or pasta. Or flour. Because I'm not going to use it. It's a waste of my money and a waste of the bread. If I bought it, and used it, I'd suffer consequences. I don't buy it to have "just in case". If I did, I'd be acting on a profoundly disturbing intention for self harm. Wouldn't you be a little disturbed? Imagine if I told you "Tetrax, I'm bexxed and I have celiac disease. When I eat gluten I suffer from horrible skin rashes that keep me awake at night and are so painful deep under the surface of my skin that I feel the need to scald my skin in order to ease the deeply painful itch. I also suffer acute diarrhea from this ingestion. I love the taste of bread though and once I start I have a hard time stopping. It's a vicious spiral. I haven't had any for a week and I'm just starting to feel a little better. I'm going to visit family and I stopped to buy a loaf of bread to hide in my bag, just in case I want to eat some. There will be lots of other food there and I could have bought any kind of food instead of bread to bring with me, but I chose bread because it's the one thing that makes me the most sick. Oh, but I don't intend to eat it, I promise. I only bought it so I could have the option." I very much hope you would be disturbed by that.
I hope you pour it out.
I'm an alcoholic who is not planning to relapse. I have relapsed before. The last time I did, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". In fact, almost every time I relapsed, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". Buying it allowed me to "reserve the right to drink it if I want (need) to" which I rationalized also meant "reserving the right to NOT drink it if I want (need) to".
If I go out and buy something for a trip because the place I'm going doesn't have said thing available, it's because I plan to use it.
I can't have gluten, it causes a pretty gross autoimmune response for me. I mean, I can have it, I have free will. But there are consequences. I wish there weren't and frankly I can be pretty bitter about it sometimes but thems the brakes. I don't buy bread. Or pasta. Or flour. Because I'm not going to use it. It's a waste of my money and a waste of the bread. If I bought it, and used it, I'd suffer consequences. I don't buy it to have "just in case". If I did, I'd be acting on a profoundly disturbing intention for self harm. Wouldn't you be a little disturbed? Imagine if I told you "Tetrax, I'm bexxed and I have celiac disease. When I eat gluten I suffer from horrible skin rashes that keep me awake at night and are so painful deep under the surface of my skin that I feel the need to scald my skin in order to ease the deeply painful itch. I also suffer acute diarrhea from this ingestion. I love the taste of bread though and once I start I have a hard time stopping. It's a vicious spiral. I haven't had any for a week and I'm just starting to feel a little better. I'm going to visit family and I stopped to buy a loaf of bread to hide in my bag, just in case I want to eat some. There will be lots of other food there and I could have bought any kind of food instead of bread to bring with me, but I chose bread because it's the one thing that makes me the most sick. Oh, but I don't intend to eat it, I promise. I only bought it so I could have the option." I very much hope you would be disturbed by that.
I hope you pour it out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by bexxed 
Based on my own experiences, I think it sounds like you're an alcoholic who is planning to relapse.
I'm an alcoholic who is not planning to relapse. I have relapsed before. The last time I did, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". In fact, almost every time I relapsed, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". Buying it allowed me to "reserve the right to drink it if I want (need) to" which I rationalized also meant "reserving the right to NOT drink it if I want (need) to".
If I go out and buy something for a trip because the place I'm going doesn't have said thing available, it's because I plan to use it.
I can't have gluten, it causes a pretty gross autoimmune response for me. I mean, I can have it, I have free will. But there are consequences. I wish there weren't and frankly I can be pretty bitter about it sometimes but thems the brakes. I don't buy bread. Or pasta. Or flour. Because I'm not going to use it. It's a waste of my money and a waste of the bread. If I bought it, and used it, I'd suffer consequences. I don't buy it to have "just in case". If I did, I'd be acting on a profoundly disturbing intention for self harm. Wouldn't you be a little disturbed? Imagine if I told you "Tetrax, I'm bexxed and I have celiac disease. When I eat gluten I suffer from horrible skin rashes that keep me awake at night and are so painful deep under the surface of my skin that I feel the need to scald my skin in order to ease the deeply painful itch. I also suffer acute diarrhea from this ingestion. I love the taste of bread though and once I start I have a hard time stopping. It's a vicious spiral. I haven't had any for a week and I'm just starting to feel a little better. I'm going to visit family and I stopped to buy a loaf of bread to hide in my bag, just in case I want to eat some. There will be lots of other food there and I could have bought any kind of food instead of bread to bring with me, but I chose bread because it's the one thing that makes me the most sick. Oh, but I don't intend to eat it, I promise. I only bought it so I could have the option." I very much hope you would be disturbed by that.
I hope you pour it out.
I'm an alcoholic who is not planning to relapse. I have relapsed before. The last time I did, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". In fact, almost every time I relapsed, I bought a bottle of wine "just in case". Buying it allowed me to "reserve the right to drink it if I want (need) to" which I rationalized also meant "reserving the right to NOT drink it if I want (need) to".
If I go out and buy something for a trip because the place I'm going doesn't have said thing available, it's because I plan to use it.
I can't have gluten, it causes a pretty gross autoimmune response for me. I mean, I can have it, I have free will. But there are consequences. I wish there weren't and frankly I can be pretty bitter about it sometimes but thems the brakes. I don't buy bread. Or pasta. Or flour. Because I'm not going to use it. It's a waste of my money and a waste of the bread. If I bought it, and used it, I'd suffer consequences. I don't buy it to have "just in case". If I did, I'd be acting on a profoundly disturbing intention for self harm. Wouldn't you be a little disturbed? Imagine if I told you "Tetrax, I'm bexxed and I have celiac disease. When I eat gluten I suffer from horrible skin rashes that keep me awake at night and are so painful deep under the surface of my skin that I feel the need to scald my skin in order to ease the deeply painful itch. I also suffer acute diarrhea from this ingestion. I love the taste of bread though and once I start I have a hard time stopping. It's a vicious spiral. I haven't had any for a week and I'm just starting to feel a little better. I'm going to visit family and I stopped to buy a loaf of bread to hide in my bag, just in case I want to eat some. There will be lots of other food there and I could have bought any kind of food instead of bread to bring with me, but I chose bread because it's the one thing that makes me the most sick. Oh, but I don't intend to eat it, I promise. I only bought it so I could have the option." I very much hope you would be disturbed by that.
I hope you pour it out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Originally Posted by Tetrax
I think I feel 'comforted' because I know I am in charge (as long as I don't take a sip). It's there and I can resist it. But it's nice to know it is there. Ya know? Keep your enemies close and all that? I can't really explain it. I've got one in my wardrobe at home too and resisted that all week.
It's deadly. I almost died on this last relapse. I was having the scariest heart palpitations and probably high blood pressure I have ever felt. I was constantly sick to my stomach. I couldn't think. I could barely sleep. I would jolt every time I thought my heart skipped a beat. I would jolt at the tiniest noise. I thought I might have a seizure.
That's what repeated bouts with binge drinking does to almost all long time binge drinkers when they inevitably have to come out of a binge. I'm sure you know.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hm...strange thinking: you are in charge because you have it. if you didn’t have it, if you poured it out, you would NOT be in charge?? how does that compute? i do actually “get it” on an old drunk level....i used to do the similar stuff, and feel similar ways, but eventually the stuff got into my mouth.
i find it interesting about the comfort you speak of by having it there.
one of the things i find comforting in my life is to know that i have no need to have a bottle around in order to feel comforted and in charge.
i find it interesting about the comfort you speak of by having it there.
one of the things i find comforting in my life is to know that i have no need to have a bottle around in order to feel comforted and in charge.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 104
First of all, good for you posting. I’m struggling a bit to add to what others have said but wanted to chime in as this seems like an important moment.
FWIW I like to theorise, conceptual thinking, generally approach things from that angle. Great in some situations, in others I maybe overthink things but that’s OK. Really dangerous though when I was drinking, Believing I could outthink the problem, I didn’t realise that the AV had highjacked that ability. I wasn’t in control, the AV was using my cognitive abilities to rationalise denial and then relapse. And of course I could then construct convoluted and apparently convincing reasons to do do things that lead back to drinking. With the usual consequences for me and everyone else.
It stopped only when I realised at a more visceral level I have personally to shun alcohol entirely. When I really believed it’s not any comfort or crutch. It’s relatively harmless for most people but poison for me. That was genuinely liberating - I so hope you get there,
Bin the bottle. A real step towards freedom.
FWIW I like to theorise, conceptual thinking, generally approach things from that angle. Great in some situations, in others I maybe overthink things but that’s OK. Really dangerous though when I was drinking, Believing I could outthink the problem, I didn’t realise that the AV had highjacked that ability. I wasn’t in control, the AV was using my cognitive abilities to rationalise denial and then relapse. And of course I could then construct convoluted and apparently convincing reasons to do do things that lead back to drinking. With the usual consequences for me and everyone else.
It stopped only when I realised at a more visceral level I have personally to shun alcohol entirely. When I really believed it’s not any comfort or crutch. It’s relatively harmless for most people but poison for me. That was genuinely liberating - I so hope you get there,
Bin the bottle. A real step towards freedom.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Tetrax
I think I feel 'comforted' because I know I am in charge (as long as I don't take a sip). It's there and I can resist it. But it's nice to know it is there. Ya know? Keep your enemies close and all that? I can't really explain it. I've got one in my wardrobe at home too and resisted that all week.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
For me any alcohol is just a 5 minute drive away. Or when I am at work a 1 minute walk away. Alcohol is everywhere. Whether I drink or not does not depend on the proximity of a bottle. The battle is in my head, in my body, in my addiction. That is where I have to overcome it. I hope that bottle, unopened, travels back with you and stays in your cupboard for years until it is too toxic to drink anyway.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 31
Other may not like what I’m about to say but I feel like every situation is different. I do agree that it’s probably not a good idea to have any sort of alcohol around “just in case” but I do get it. I drove around with a 6pack in the trunk of my car for a while and had zero intentions or desire to drink it, but the mere fact that it was there gave me some sort of a feeling of comfort. Hard to explain. I never did touch it. I eventually forgot it was there and threw it out a little while back. Even tho we can draw pretty much the same conclusions from all the anecdotes of almost everyone here, and the consensus is to get rid of it immediately, every situation still can be a little different. I get it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I used to test myself all the time. The problem with that is that there's always the chance you'll 'fail' the test....and I did every time, sooner or later.
I drank for 20 years - there's no rationalisation I didn't use to out my head in the lions mouth again.
My inner addict knew that I bought alcohol I was already more than half way to getting what it wanted
With all due respect to the last few posters above, in my experience alcoholics buy alcohol for one reason.
Sometimes, if we're lucky, we may not pull the trigger on that...but thats rare. Its the exception.
The best test of strength is not to buy alcohol, not to put yourself into dangerous situations and do everything you can think of to bolster your recovery and stay sober.
D
I drank for 20 years - there's no rationalisation I didn't use to out my head in the lions mouth again.
My inner addict knew that I bought alcohol I was already more than half way to getting what it wanted
With all due respect to the last few posters above, in my experience alcoholics buy alcohol for one reason.
Sometimes, if we're lucky, we may not pull the trigger on that...but thats rare. Its the exception.
The best test of strength is not to buy alcohol, not to put yourself into dangerous situations and do everything you can think of to bolster your recovery and stay sober.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I once had to travel for a wedding overseas and I bought a bottle of whiskey at the duty-free store at the airport to give to my uncle who I was staying with. I didn't give him the bottle. I kept it for myself and drank it in secret at night in the guest room. I didn't wake up until late the next afternoon with the perfect excuse of jet-lag. I drank the whole bottle. I think I was planning to do that in the back of my mind the whole time. Funny how my addiction can lie and tell me "I should buy uncle Peter some whiskey as a gift".
Sound familiar?
Sound familiar?
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
To be successful in recovery, you have to surrender to the process, stop running on self will and stop letting alcohol control you. Whilst you are not currently drinking that bottle you are giving that bottle and it’s contents power over you and how you feel. While you have it you are not in control, it is in control.
Taking ownership of how you feel and working through it is how you recover and stay in recovery. Handing ownership to a bottle to manage your feelings and make you feel better is active addiction being in control of you and running the show.
Taking control back means you have to take responsibility for how you feel, throwing the bottle away and owning your $hit.
I think you know this Tetrax but you’re not ready to accept the truth and surrender to the process. I hope that you soon will be though, x
Taking ownership of how you feel and working through it is how you recover and stay in recovery. Handing ownership to a bottle to manage your feelings and make you feel better is active addiction being in control of you and running the show.
Taking control back means you have to take responsibility for how you feel, throwing the bottle away and owning your $hit.
I think you know this Tetrax but you’re not ready to accept the truth and surrender to the process. I hope that you soon will be though, x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 593
Yeah I did something like that. Maybe a week into sobriety I bought a bottle and stashed it. On day 100, triumphant, I poured it out. On day 135 I bought one and drank it. Nothing like this is going to work.
Say what you want about AA, but they got the "powerless" part just about right.
Say what you want about AA, but they got the "powerless" part just about right.
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