I’m in trouble
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
I’m in trouble
Hi everyone.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been getting gradually worse and I feel at desperation point. In summary, my sister died suddenly last year (six months after her husband). They had a 3 year old who I’m legal guardian for and she is the most precious girl ever and I love her dearly.
I’d been sober for years but relapsed after my sister died and very quickly went back to square one. It’s not daily drinking but benders lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. Benders where I’m waking at 3am shaking and getting my first drink.
The reason for my desperation is I had an appointment with my local specialist services yesterday and they’ve put in a safeguarding report for my niece. I’m terrified she’s going to lose me as well and the fear is making me crave more and more.
I wonder if anyone has had any similar experiences or just some advice they can offer.
Thank you
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been getting gradually worse and I feel at desperation point. In summary, my sister died suddenly last year (six months after her husband). They had a 3 year old who I’m legal guardian for and she is the most precious girl ever and I love her dearly.
I’d been sober for years but relapsed after my sister died and very quickly went back to square one. It’s not daily drinking but benders lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. Benders where I’m waking at 3am shaking and getting my first drink.
The reason for my desperation is I had an appointment with my local specialist services yesterday and they’ve put in a safeguarding report for my niece. I’m terrified she’s going to lose me as well and the fear is making me crave more and more.
I wonder if anyone has had any similar experiences or just some advice they can offer.
Thank you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,609
Welcome back TM 
I don;t have any experience with UK Child Services but others here will.
It makes perfect sense to me you and your niece are scared but it also makes perfect sense to me that the very best thing you can do for yourself and for here is continue to demonstrate a willingness to get sober and stay that way. The very worst thing you could do is to continue to drink.
You can start showing that willingness today by not drinking, and maybe exploring other face to face support options like AA or SMART or Lifering?
D
I don;t have any experience with UK Child Services but others here will.
It makes perfect sense to me you and your niece are scared but it also makes perfect sense to me that the very best thing you can do for yourself and for here is continue to demonstrate a willingness to get sober and stay that way. The very worst thing you could do is to continue to drink.
You can start showing that willingness today by not drinking, and maybe exploring other face to face support options like AA or SMART or Lifering?
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back TM. Very sorry to hear about the passing of your sister and your current situation. I don’t have experience with custody issues but I do know that drinking was very destructive to my family too. Anything you can do to get Alcohol out of your life will be most beneficial to everyone involved, glad you have come back for help.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Tm,
I always remember I am an addict for life. 1 year, 5 years, 10 years clean. Still I am going to want the buzz.
I search out buzz options. What gets me high besides booze and other mind altering substances?
I use coffee, green tea, moringa, exercise, good healthy food, and good deeds. Also things like little projects help as well.
They all get me high and satisfy that crave.
Getting up now to gets some coffee.
Please post about how things are going with your new daughter. No matter what happens, i believe she will still be close to you forever.
I stopped drinking and suffered hell on earth for long long time. Never going back. It hurt too much. Don't need that poison in my life.
I figure you were honest when challenged about your drinking style by child services. If folks knew how I raised my kid from an infant until 12 years old, I would have lost him to the system.
I couldn't quit for him though. I quit for me. That was the only way. It hurts too much.
I ate when I craved. Now is not the time to go on a diet.
Thanks.
I always remember I am an addict for life. 1 year, 5 years, 10 years clean. Still I am going to want the buzz.
I search out buzz options. What gets me high besides booze and other mind altering substances?
I use coffee, green tea, moringa, exercise, good healthy food, and good deeds. Also things like little projects help as well.
They all get me high and satisfy that crave.
Getting up now to gets some coffee.
Please post about how things are going with your new daughter. No matter what happens, i believe she will still be close to you forever.
I stopped drinking and suffered hell on earth for long long time. Never going back. It hurt too much. Don't need that poison in my life.
I figure you were honest when challenged about your drinking style by child services. If folks knew how I raised my kid from an infant until 12 years old, I would have lost him to the system.
I couldn't quit for him though. I quit for me. That was the only way. It hurts too much.
I ate when I craved. Now is not the time to go on a diet.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,414
Getting sober and getting recovered is the best thing you can do for your niece. Also the best way to get social services off your back I’m sure. AA meetings are everywhere in the U.K. everyday, there will be people there who have been exactly where you’re at now, or worse, and turned it all around. If you drink the situation obviously will just get worse and likely not resolve in a positive way.
Things always work out for the best if you’re sober and honestly working your program of recovery in my experience.
Things always work out for the best if you’re sober and honestly working your program of recovery in my experience.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by TM75 
Hi everyone.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been getting gradually worse and I feel at desperation point. In summary, my sister died suddenly last year (six months after her husband). They had a 3 year old who I’m legal guardian for and she is the most precious girl ever and I love her dearly.
I’d been sober for years but relapsed after my sister died and very quickly went back to square one. It’s not daily drinking but benders lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. Benders where I’m waking at 3am shaking and getting my first drink.
The reason for my desperation is I had an appointment with my local specialist services yesterday and they’ve put in a safeguarding report for my niece. I’m terrified she’s going to lose me as well and the fear is making me crave more and more.
I wonder if anyone has had any similar experiences or just some advice they can offer.
Thank you
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been getting gradually worse and I feel at desperation point. In summary, my sister died suddenly last year (six months after her husband). They had a 3 year old who I’m legal guardian for and she is the most precious girl ever and I love her dearly.
I’d been sober for years but relapsed after my sister died and very quickly went back to square one. It’s not daily drinking but benders lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. Benders where I’m waking at 3am shaking and getting my first drink.
The reason for my desperation is I had an appointment with my local specialist services yesterday and they’ve put in a safeguarding report for my niece. I’m terrified she’s going to lose me as well and the fear is making me crave more and more.
I wonder if anyone has had any similar experiences or just some advice they can offer.
Thank you
The antidote is to seek and replace the quick fix or mood changer with a more healthy behavior that empowers you-something that is of high value to you (exercise, music, journal, prayer, serving others, etc). Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”
When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,603
Welcome back!
I'm really sorry for your situation with your niece and the loss of your sister. This is a crucial time for you and your niece. I'm glad you're here and seeking support so you can be the person you want to be.
I'm really sorry for your situation with your niece and the loss of your sister. This is a crucial time for you and your niece. I'm glad you're here and seeking support so you can be the person you want to be.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry from your loss. My sister died recently too . I know how hard it is. But you have her child who needs you and is a great reason for you to get and stay sober. You can prove to them you are sober and capable of looking after your niece. She needs you.
but if you keep drinking she will be taken into care. It's never too late to get sober. I wish you well.
but if you keep drinking she will be taken into care. It's never too late to get sober. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
The first thing you need to do is to make sure that little girl is safe. Whether or not safe is with you or even temporarily with someone else, she needs to be safe. Can you take care of her? If not please call someone who can.
You were sober for a long time. You know what you need to do. Find an AA meeting. You can do this.
You were sober for a long time. You know what you need to do. Find an AA meeting. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,930
My guess is child services doesn’t want her to lose you, either. But you’ll have to show that you can protect her. You have and have had so much weight placed on you. I would get whatever help you can to get sober. Sending you strength. Glad you are back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 104
Hi TM
So sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Can relate - years ago I already had big drink problems. We lost one child due to health problems and about a year later were moments away from losing another from unrelated illness. Plus relatively minor things like a fire at home the day we got back from hospital, had to move back to my parents. Drinking got worse and worse to the point I had to stop or lose my family.
I guess over the years I have learned not to assume I understand what people are going through as I could have had no idea ahead of that experience what it would be like. And people would say well meaning things like ‘at least you’ve got (surviving child...)’ showing that neither could they. But there are some themes in common with you, bereavement, desperation.
All I would say is that it can get better. I’m ambivalent about the phrase ‘gift of desperation’ as it can’t solve the things that contribute to desperation, especially loss, and its hell to go through. But things can end up in a way so much better that you just can’t envisage when you are surviving minute to minute, day to day. But they can. I know the gift of hope is often even harder to receive when you most need it - but anyway sending it in your direction with sympathy and respect.
ND
So sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Can relate - years ago I already had big drink problems. We lost one child due to health problems and about a year later were moments away from losing another from unrelated illness. Plus relatively minor things like a fire at home the day we got back from hospital, had to move back to my parents. Drinking got worse and worse to the point I had to stop or lose my family.
I guess over the years I have learned not to assume I understand what people are going through as I could have had no idea ahead of that experience what it would be like. And people would say well meaning things like ‘at least you’ve got (surviving child...)’ showing that neither could they. But there are some themes in common with you, bereavement, desperation.
All I would say is that it can get better. I’m ambivalent about the phrase ‘gift of desperation’ as it can’t solve the things that contribute to desperation, especially loss, and its hell to go through. But things can end up in a way so much better that you just can’t envisage when you are surviving minute to minute, day to day. But they can. I know the gift of hope is often even harder to receive when you most need it - but anyway sending it in your direction with sympathy and respect.
ND
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
First off I’m so sorry about your losses. I can relate and used drinking to cope with the loss of my father and brother. Even tho in the end it only made things so much worse, and so much harder.
Desperation was what I needed to get sober. I almost lost my marriage and my children. I had never been more desperate in my life, and I knew at that point I would continue to drink my life and family away, or I would get sober. I have 7 months sober now. For me, all the bad and the drinking that was happening in my life, now serves a purpose to keep me grateful and thankful for this second chance at life sober.
I know you can do this, for yourself, and for your niece. Sending love.
Desperation was what I needed to get sober. I almost lost my marriage and my children. I had never been more desperate in my life, and I knew at that point I would continue to drink my life and family away, or I would get sober. I have 7 months sober now. For me, all the bad and the drinking that was happening in my life, now serves a purpose to keep me grateful and thankful for this second chance at life sober.
I know you can do this, for yourself, and for your niece. Sending love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
Thanks so much to everyone who responded to me. This has been a huge wake up call for me. It wasn’t actually child services I spoke to although that will be to come. It was the alcohol service who I go to who put in a safeguarding report.
After my sister died, I moved back in with my parents so we could all support my niece together. They have been doing the bulk of the caring during my benders but it’s not fair on them or my niece.
Now on day 2 and feeling very rough but I cannot afford to drink or my entire family will be destroyed. Hardly slept last night with anxiety and palpitations and when I did drift off I would wake up drenched in sweat.
Must ride through it as I have too much to prove now.
Thanks again. You’re all amazing
After my sister died, I moved back in with my parents so we could all support my niece together. They have been doing the bulk of the caring during my benders but it’s not fair on them or my niece.
Now on day 2 and feeling very rough but I cannot afford to drink or my entire family will be destroyed. Hardly slept last night with anxiety and palpitations and when I did drift off I would wake up drenched in sweat.
Must ride through it as I have too much to prove now.
Thanks again. You’re all amazing
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Allow yourself some grief for your sister, that will help your sobriety. If possible, seek some grief counseling or therapy. Self care is your focus right now. Your niece has a safe harbor at the moment, and you want to care for her. You need to care for yourself and have a solid foundation before you can care for others.
I'm not a big AA fan for myself, but I think it's a really good idea for you if you find that it works to keep you sober. The community will understand what you're going through, and when it does go to child protective services (or whatever it's called in the UK) the fact that you are going to meetings speaks volumes. Not sure what the system is in the UK, but in the US you have the secretary sign for you that you attended the meetings, as a lot of people are court ordered or in professional rehab programs that require 12 Step attendance. Document every meeting you go to.
And of course use the program to help you stop drinking.
If you find that AA isn't working for you, there are other options, but if it were me I'd just keep that in my back pocket for now. And we're all here for you.
Allow yourself some grief for your sister, that will help your sobriety. If possible, seek some grief counseling or therapy. Self care is your focus right now. Your niece has a safe harbor at the moment, and you want to care for her. You need to care for yourself and have a solid foundation before you can care for others.
I'm not a big AA fan for myself, but I think it's a really good idea for you if you find that it works to keep you sober. The community will understand what you're going through, and when it does go to child protective services (or whatever it's called in the UK) the fact that you are going to meetings speaks volumes. Not sure what the system is in the UK, but in the US you have the secretary sign for you that you attended the meetings, as a lot of people are court ordered or in professional rehab programs that require 12 Step attendance. Document every meeting you go to.
And of course use the program to help you stop drinking.
If you find that AA isn't working for you, there are other options, but if it were me I'd just keep that in my back pocket for now. And we're all here for you.
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