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Old 04-12-2019, 10:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I knew sobriety was going too well...


Hey ya'll, happy Friday.

Most of ya'll know my story. 31 years old. Stage 4 liver failure, cirrhosis, partial kidney failure, jaundice, hypertension, ascites....5 years to live...all the fun stuff that comes with abusing alcohol for many years.

I got sober because while I might be dying, I'm going to fight it, and at the very least live out my time with a sense of dignity.

I had been cruising along with my sobriety. Yesterday was day 226. Feeling great. Down 34 lbs . Went from being full of toxic fluid, bright yellow, sweating and shaking in a hospital bed....to now...looking like a fit and healthy 31 year old guy.

Day 226...just another day, nothing happened out of the ordinary. Got home from work around 6. Boom....

It was like Satan himself knocked on the door and I answered. A dark cloud hit me. A feeling that I haven't felt for months, and was hoping not to feel ever again. I felt completely worthless, full of sadness, and with a feeling of impending doom. I sat in total darkness, wondering if anyone would even miss me if I hung myself from the ceiling fan. Trying to shake the feeling, I turned on some music. That didn't help, So I got dressed, and drove to the liquor store. I sat there, in my car. Watching people file in and out of the store. Watching the look on their faces, as they exited the store with there various bottles of liquor. Some laughing with friends. Some wearing expensive suits. Some obviously struggling with their own demons. I just sat there, and I started to cry. Then I took some deep breaths, started my car back up, and drove home. I'm better than that, and I'm way stronger than that. Too strong. The demon can grab me, and drag me halfway back to hell, but I'm going to fight the entire way and I'm going to beat it every ******* time. I got home, put on some country music, and worked out until I couldn't lift my arms anymore. Must of drank near a gallon of water. I felt accomplished, and back at peace. I felt good.

Today is MY day 227.

We are all stronger than this substance, this demon, this addiction. The strength exists in you, but you have to find it. You have to find your reason to be sober and you have to fight. You have to fight and don't stop fighting. You may get knocked down, but you have to get back up. Your life is worth more.
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Old 04-12-2019, 10:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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This touched me in a profound way.
I'm so happy you posted the deep dive and how you dealt with it.

You are an incredible inspiration to me.

Thank you!!

Last edited by AliaKeys; 04-12-2019 at 10:34 AM. Reason: Kindle typing is hard!
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Old 04-12-2019, 10:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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That was an amazingly strong thing to do WhoDeyPI. I'm so glad you managed not to give in. Early sobriety isn't about the easy days when you're happy and motivated and in flow, it's about not drinking/using no matter what. No mood, situation or event is a reason to drink/use. Ever.

You fought the law, and you won.

Please consider a suicide hot line if you start going down this road again, and/or seeing a psychiatrist for possible depression or bipolar issues if you're not already. Psychotherapy helps me tremendously as well, particularly since I found one that works for me. Although I don't do 12 Step, I have built my own community of sober friends as an alternative to my mostly normie social interactions. It helps me realize that I'm not alone in this, in a very visceral way.

Keep us posted please, and look forward to Days 228, 229, 230....
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Old 04-12-2019, 10:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Glad to hear that you didn't give into that
temptation and addiction today.

For me I knew better than to drive and sit
outside my favorite watering hole. In rehab,
those first 28 days sober, I was taught some
valuable lessons about my addiction and a
recovery program to incorporate in all my
affairs to help me remain sober no matter
what life would throw at me.

Those early months and yrs in recovery I
balanced out family and recovery all to the
best of my human ability. Not all was pink
clouds and roses because that wouldn't be
reality.

Keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground
and my head out of the clouds, I applied whatever
was necessary to help me build a strong, solid,
recovery foundation to live my life upon for yrs
to come.

When needing extra support behind me I ended
up to many AA meetings for that support, care,
understanding, guidance, strength and most of
all hope.

Hope that if many could and would remain
sober under all sorts of conditions, then so
could I. It never failed that when I went to a
meeting that I didn't learn something new.
Hear something I needed to hear.

As long as I knew there were countless meetings
available to me at any time on any day, then I never
needed to sit and dream, fantasize about poison
because I knew how dangerous it really would be
for me.

Each day sober incorporating a program of
recovery on a continuous bases results in a
successful recovery/sobriety life for many yrs
to come.

Continued growth and happiness sent your way.
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I turn my will and life over to the care of a Power greater than I on a daily basis for guidance, care and protection.
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Old 04-12-2019, 10:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Scared me there for a minute, WhoDey. Glad to hear you fought through it. That demon lives on, even when we feel good. You story helped me remember that. I don't dwell on it, and neither should anyone else, but we all do have to realize it's lurking in the shadows, and we cannot get complacent. The beast loves complacency.
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm so glad you got through that.

You're doing great and congratulations on 227 days of recovery.
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I really can't afford to see a therapist, or get treatment for my depression. Depression is what got me deep into alcohol in the first place, but I thought I was over that. I have been suicidal in the past, but always when I was in a drunken stupor. I hadn't been in a dark place like that for a very long time, and was so glad when I snapped out of it.

I'm pretty anxious going into the weekend. I don't THINK that I'll feel this way again...but if it was going to happen, it would be this weekend. I credit my sobriety to staying busy, and usually spend my weekends outdoors....hiking, writing, etc. It's supposed to storm here all weekend. Darkness is ahead, but hopefully just the weather.
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AliaKeys View Post
This touched me in a profound way.
I'm so happy you posted the deep dive and how you dealt with it.

You are an incredible inspiration to me.

Thank you!!
That's very nice of you to say, thank you. I try to be 100% open, honest, and transparent on here.
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Wow, that is scary. Depression is such an awful state to be in. A few years ago, when my depression and drinking were at their worst, I thought my heart would just stop from the suffocating blackness. I am in such a better place now and so grateful but sometimes I think that if it ever came back I wouldn't make it this time.
I am so glad to hear you are doing better. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Old 04-12-2019, 11:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for this post. If you can pull through, then I have no excuse.
- Just had my test results today. Been a bit upset - but you have put things into perspective for me. My Hepatitis is only early stage so if I dont drink I can repair with time.
- And I felt just like this tonight walking back to my apartment and seeing people going out and feeling totally alone.
- Maybe put on some music ( I'm more AC/DC, Metallica, Sabbath than Country ). Probably feel better later.

Thanks again.
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Old 04-12-2019, 12:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm thrilled you stayed strong. Your story was the first one I connected with when I got here as it was basically mine plus a few more years had I stayed on the path I was on. You've given me great inspiration and advice in the short time I've been here. I like the way you view this struggle, the warrior spirit, that you are stronger than this demon and so is everyone else here.
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Old 04-12-2019, 12:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing, this was a class act! Zero doubts that you’ve got what it takes - go and celebrate your victory today, you have deserved it. And, needless to say, you’re an inspiration to this crew here!
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Really glad to hear you hung in there and stayed strong! It's not easy when you feel down and hopeless, but these feelings DO pass. Do you have friends and/or family you can call upon when you're feeling down? That really can help.

I also understand about the depression - I've dealt with it my whole adult life, though I've found significant relief with a specialized supplement cocktail that's made a huge difference. That, plus having a personal support system of a handful of close friends I can call upon really makes a huge difference.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI View Post
Depression is what got me deep into alcohol in the first place, but I thought I was over that. I have been suicidal in the past, but always when I was in a drunken stupor. I hadn't been in a dark place like that for a very long time, and was so glad when I snapped out of it.
Hi WhoDeyPI,

Well done for resisting and yes, depression can get people deep into alcohol and then in then in turn the alcohol gets people deeper into depression.

Saint Exupéry’s Little Prince asks a drunk:

"Why do you drink?”

"Because I'm unhappy”

"And why are you unhappy?”

"Because I drink”

I can remember the exact wording but that's the gist of it and it's spot on too.

Being bipolar I know depression well and although life can be very difficult at times things are much, much easier to cope with now I'm sober.

As for the suicidal thoughts please talk to someone if they persist, I think a lot of countries have free suicide helplines so make use of something like that if need be.

Hang on in there, the black clouds will pass.

All my best,

John
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I’m really glad you drove away from that liquor store.

keep on path.

love and sobriety to you
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Omgosh, Whodey!!! I was so moved by your post! That was some amazing strength that you showed! It nearly brought tears to my eyes. And this post just helped me more than you know! I am on day 19 of my new sobriety and havent struggled with it too awful much, until today. Im at work and was feeling very agitated because its a pretty day and i can't drink when i get off work. It made me feel very sad and sorry for myself. So I got on here to read some and there was your post. It helped me immensely! Im so happy that you didn't drink even though you felt so down. And im so glad that you are feeling better! Thank you. I will not drink today, either!
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:55 PM   #17 (permalink)
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And PS: i really like the way you write. You should write a book.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Katlyne View Post
Omgosh, Whodey!!! I was so moved by your post! That was some amazing strength that you showed! It nearly brought tears to my eyes. And this post just helped me more than you know! I am on day 19 of my new sobriety and havent struggled with it too awful much, until today. Im at work and was feeling very agitated because its a pretty day and i can't drink when i get off work. It made me feel very sad and sorry for myself. So I got on here to read some and there was your post. It helped me immensely! Im so happy that you didn't drink even though you felt so down. And im so glad that you are feeling better! Thank you. I will not drink today, either!
I'm so glad! 19 days is awesome, good work! I'm at work for another......7 minutes, then I don't know what I'm going to do...but whatever it is, it will be sober. Storms are starting to roll in now. Normally I love storms, but it just has an ominous feeling to it this time.

Take advantage of that nice weather, I'm very jealous!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you all for the advice, support, comments, and just being here. We have to help each other. When one of us fails, the rest of us have to pick them up.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:58 PM   #19 (permalink)
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And PS: i really like the way you write. You should write a book.
I spend my time writing in my free time. Clears my mind to let my thoughts flow to paper. You'll usually find me on top of a mountain with my notepad and pen.....

But yes, I have been writing a book. It was just for me at first, but who knows. I'm not ashamed of my journey, so if it has a chance to help others, I'm all about it.
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Old 04-12-2019, 02:39 PM   #20 (permalink)
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A stark reminder the fight never ends. Most of my relapses had been during times of complacency or when I thought I was cured and no longer needed to work my program. Glad you were able to pull yourself out of it Whodeypi. Power on.
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