I knew sobriety was going too well...
Hey ya'll, happy Friday.
Most of ya'll know my story. 31 years old. Stage 4 liver failure, cirrhosis, partial kidney failure, jaundice, hypertension, ascites....5 years to live...all the fun stuff that comes with abusing alcohol for many years.
I got sober because while I might be dying, I'm going to fight it, and at the very least live out my time with a sense of dignity.
I had been cruising along with my sobriety. Yesterday was day 226. Feeling great. Down 34 lbs . Went from being full of toxic fluid, bright yellow, sweating and shaking in a hospital bed....to now...looking like a fit and healthy 31 year old guy.
Day 226...just another day, nothing happened out of the ordinary. Got home from work around 6. Boom....
It was like Satan himself knocked on the door and I answered. A dark cloud hit me. A feeling that I haven't felt for months, and was hoping not to feel ever again. I felt completely worthless, full of sadness, and with a feeling of impending doom. I sat in total darkness, wondering if anyone would even miss me if I hung myself from the ceiling fan. Trying to shake the feeling, I turned on some music. That didn't help, So I got dressed, and drove to the liquor store. I sat there, in my car. Watching people file in and out of the store. Watching the look on their faces, as they exited the store with there various bottles of liquor. Some laughing with friends. Some wearing expensive suits. Some obviously struggling with their own demons. I just sat there, and I started to cry. Then I took some deep breaths, started my car back up, and drove home. I'm better than that, and I'm way stronger than that. Too strong. The demon can grab me, and drag me halfway back to hell, but I'm going to fight the entire way and I'm going to beat it every ******* time. I got home, put on some country music, and worked out until I couldn't lift my arms anymore. Must of drank near a gallon of water. I felt accomplished, and back at peace. I felt good.
Today is MY day 227.
We are all stronger than this substance, this demon, this addiction. The strength exists in you, but you have to find it. You have to find your reason to be sober and you have to fight. You have to fight and don't stop fighting. You may get knocked down, but you have to get back up. Your life is worth more.