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Old 04-08-2019, 03:51 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Ashamed and exhausted

Hey everyone.

Usually, after I relapsed or screwed up again I would come here and just vent to feel better.

I stopped doing this. I was (and still am very ashamed of myself).

I went sober over two months, relapsed, then one month, drank again and now doing it every two weeks. I think you know what I mean and where I'm heading. I had two get back to my benzos, and now I'm barely making it through work.

Do I want to quit drinking for good? Yes, I do. Is it my responsibility that I take that first drink? Absolutely.

What have been my main triggers and what disappoints me the most? I've narrowed it down to three things:

1. Friday's are my trigger. I am terrified when I envision my weekend alone. I am a needy person, and also, I do have "mental" or anxiety, OCD disorders. So yes, I need people to be my side.

2. I have always blamed my problems with alcohol (which a huge % is true). However, the most disappointing thing for me is that when I stop drinking, things do get better in the sense I can control my problems. However, my anxiety and daily struggles to live do not go away. They simply don't. Every day I wake up to fight my struggles and fears, I am never calmed.

3. As weird as it sounds, I'm used to chaos. That's what I have always been involved in (A lot of it is self-inflicted). For this reason, when everything is sort of "ok", I need to find that chaos - I guess to keep on the trend?.

I'm not sure how is this going to help. I'm not sure if this will make my life any different. I am a complete mess. Usually, I would be crazily depressed in a day like this, but at this point, to be honest, I can just say that I am very tired. I'm exhausted.

I don't really know how to end this message, but I hope just everyone has a great day.
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:09 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Hi Hope

What's your plan for the rest of the day?
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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welcome hope
daily support is necessary for me- by posting here, also meetings, GPand psychologist

support to you
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Hope,

I think you just took a step to help yourself by posting here. It takes a lot of determination to shine the light on continuing relapses. It's hard enough to live that struggle internally, but facing it head on is harder still. I can relate to all of the reasons you outline for continued drinking; I had all of those too. Still do, just without drinking for the last 27 days.

Have you been to see a good addiction doctor/therapist? Forgive me for suggesting this as I don't know you and that may be something you're already doing. I just know that it has been tremendously helpful to me to have that support to help deal with those underlying reasons.

Stick around here - everyone understands.

Speaker said, "The reality is that only one of you in this room is going to make it." I'm going to be The One.
- Sentiment courtesy of Middlest
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Can we start with item number Zero that is taking benzos together with alcohol? Not good. I would see a doctor and tell them what you are going through with that and see what alternative medication might be safer for you. Seriously.

1. Have you tried to fill your weekends with sober people at your side? What about activities that preclude you from drinking, are there any of those that you can attend? I haven't looked back at your historical posts to see what you have tried to fill your life with sober people and things, but have you done enough of that?

2. I understand chronic anxiety, I have had it all my life, and I work on it with my psychiatrist, my addiction therapist, with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, all of which do a couple things: a) bringing my anxiety down to a level I can manage; and b) actively managing how I do feel when it's bothering me. My medication is mild and non habit-forming, and I've cut it back as I have gotten better.

3. I'm not somebody who should be seeking out chaos, but I was actively sabotaging myself while drinking as a means to continue drinking. I didn't feel I was worth it, as one problem. However, also primarily I needed to have constant whirlwinds around me to distract me from what I was really feeling, and when I was calmer (not drinking) I was not liking how I felt.

You have a lot of issues to try to deal with at once, and professional help seems like a good idea to help you along.
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Old 04-08-2019, 04:59 AM   #6 (permalink)

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Hey everyone.

I try to answer the questions been asked.

1. I do not mix alcohol with Benzos per se. When I go through withdrawal symptoms, I take them (I know it's dangerous and should avoid them 100%),

2. I have seen a therapist since I'm 14 (I'm 30 now). Obviously, it doesn't work wonders for me. Also, could be my fault due to lack of consistency. Or maybe, I just need another therapeutical approach.

3. Sometimes, I think I just can not do this by myself. Maybe I do need my family surroundings (And I'm around 10,000k) far away from them). However, some situations and by the situation I mean financial stability, don't allow me to go back.
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Old 04-08-2019, 05:33 AM   #7 (permalink)

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Hi Hope

I see people have touched on therapy and medication (I have used both in my recovery), however the things that have helped me most with anxiety and overthinking, are meditation and exercise. I am trying to reintroduce the meditation into my daily schedule, but just starting it back up I find myself shutting up my own brain/anxiety much easier. The exersize (for me running and some weights) is an instant calm down and pick-me-up at the same time.

I wish you the best. One day at a time!
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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The booze blinded me to the fact that all of my mental problems were magnified by my DOC. The drugs cause brain damage. I can heal and rewire but I am damaged for life.

At a year clean, I nearly realapsed. At 2 years clean, I nearly relapsed. Both times SR talked me down. I craved yesterday around 6 PM. But, by 615 I was fine again. That is how it goes.

The addiction is for life, it is progressive, it will drive me mad, and it will take years off of my life.

It will also tell me all of those things are ok.

The analytical side has to win, because none of those things are really ok.

Suffering drug free is/was the only way out.

Getting and staying clean hurts like hell sometimes and I totally understand how some people never make it.

The pain of getting better is too strong for some. The soothing euphoria of being drugged up wins out.

It is sad.



When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 04-08-2019, 07:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hey there-
Just to start with what I see as problem zero (for you, as you mentioned the very thing) is "being used to the chaos."

I'm jumping on just this part because I too was accustomed, conditioned, accepting of the complete unmanageability (in AA terms) of the drinking life I led. It was awful, shame-inducing, scary, and more...

There is a solution and lots of options to get support for it, once we accept we have to quit.

I said this to my mom yesterday, who is also a recovering alcoholic of many years: I don't believe in triggers. I think any one of them is a justification we use to drink - til we can replace any and all of them with different choices, and ones that keep us sober. And more than sober- in a far better place that is clear, and therefore the opposite of chaos.

I often seize on words so what is "just semantics" to some (ie, slip v relapse which all of you who have read my shares know where I come down) is central to my framing of all this recovery stuff...

What's the plan? I had to learn the new behaviors, and thoughts, and with support, that IMO and IME will address your three bullet points and much more.

Glad you are sharing.

"Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice in Wonderland
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Old 04-08-2019, 05:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Hope,

How are you doing?
Speaker said, "The reality is that only one of you in this room is going to make it." I'm going to be The One.
- Sentiment courtesy of Middlest
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Old 04-08-2019, 05:34 PM   #11 (permalink)

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Loved chaos it was all I knew. Life is better without it.
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Old 04-08-2019, 05:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I think most of used told ourselves we were used to chaos, or that we were conditioned to drink on Fridays or that sober anxiety was just too much to handle.

I said all those things myself.

But when push came to shove - die or stop drinking - I stopped drinking.

Fridays got better the more sober fridays I anxirty got better the longer I stayed sober and the more I delt with my problem rather than running away from them by drinking.

I discovered the person I was becoming liked order and peace a hole lot more than chaos (If I'm honest I never liked chaos but it was familiar to me - you can make a new default )

It took time tho- more than a few weeks, and it took courage...and a little faith that if I stayed sober, and worked on myself, things would get better.

The early days are hard - but posting here everyday helped me. This is a great community - especially f you use us before you drink rather than after.
If your anxiety is debilitating why not see a Dr?

You can do this Hope - if you're ready to put up with a little short term discomfort, ask for help, make some changes and stick to them

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