Ashamed and exhausted
Hey everyone.
Usually, after I relapsed or screwed up again I would come here and just vent to feel better.
I stopped doing this. I was (and still am very ashamed of myself).
I went sober over two months, relapsed, then one month, drank again and now doing it every two weeks. I think you know what I mean and where I'm heading. I had two get back to my benzos, and now I'm barely making it through work.
Do I want to quit drinking for good? Yes, I do. Is it my responsibility that I take that first drink? Absolutely.
What have been my main triggers and what disappoints me the most? I've narrowed it down to three things:
1. Friday's are my trigger. I am terrified when I envision my weekend alone. I am a needy person, and also, I do have "mental" or anxiety, OCD disorders. So yes, I need people to be my side.
2. I have always blamed my problems with alcohol (which a huge % is true). However, the most disappointing thing for me is that when I stop drinking, things do get better in the sense I can control my problems. However, my anxiety and daily struggles to live do not go away. They simply don't. Every day I wake up to fight my struggles and fears, I am never calmed.
3. As weird as it sounds, I'm used to chaos. That's what I have always been involved in (A lot of it is self-inflicted). For this reason, when everything is sort of "ok", I need to find that chaos - I guess to keep on the trend?.
I'm not sure how is this going to help. I'm not sure if this will make my life any different. I am a complete mess. Usually, I would be crazily depressed in a day like this, but at this point, to be honest, I can just say that I am very tired. I'm exhausted.
I don't really know how to end this message, but I hope just everyone has a great day.