The Curse
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by Primativo 
I am now actively engaged in my passion for music, I spend all my free time writing music. Something I neglected for over a decade as a heavy drinker. I now have the energy and motivation to pursue my passion for music. On the contrary, life isn't boring, it's more fulfilling than ever.
Originally Posted by Primativo
There are so many people who are teetotal, many many successful people I may add too. I think there is a link there.
Originally Posted by Primativo
Just to add also, I do understand your mindset currently. I guess I have woken up positive today but some days I do wish I could drink like a normal person. So I feel your pain.
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Hey Tony, just chiming in for support. I also know how it feels to be told the obvious but still not feel it yourself.
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Hi Tony, you mentioned that you have had sone bad things happen to you that you had no control over and have left you with feelings of bitterness and regret. I would tentatively suggest that perhaps this is the cause of you current, somewhat joyless state (I am in no way qualified to do that other than being a fellow human being with a drink problem) Perhaps you could discuss those events with someone who is trained or someone that you trust so that those feelings (bitterness,regret) which are totally valid, do not go on to spoil your future happiness.
Also, I don't know how much sober time you have under your belt but early recovery is usually an emotional roller coaster - I know that is a terrible cliché but it is a true one.
Also, I don't know how much sober time you have under your belt but early recovery is usually an emotional roller coaster - I know that is a terrible cliché but it is a true one.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by JustTony
Maybe I like my own pity party?
Action is the key for me. There's just so, SO much out there to do when you accept that drinking doesn't need to be part of a life that isn't boring.
Counter-arguments with those trying to help me sure didn't do me any good in getting free of my perceptions of life that centered on whether I could drink or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
For me, grief is the emotion I feel for those things I valued so much that have been lost, and cannot be gotten back.
For me, it is my childhood pretty much destroyed due to my mother's alcohol addiction, and it is also the loss of her over the course of nearly my whole adult life as she spiraled downwards nearly taking me in the process.
I also have grief over the pain this has caused my partner, who was unwillingly a passenger in this journey I chose to take in my own alcoholism--what I used to numb the grief and pain.
Gratitude is what I choose to feel that I have had in my life things that were worthy of grief--things so valuable I felt their loss deeply, hence I know how precious they were.
Gratitude isn't cherry picking--it is the roots and mud and trunk and branches of the cherry tree that is our life--it is embracing the whole, the bitter with the sweet.
For me, it is my childhood pretty much destroyed due to my mother's alcohol addiction, and it is also the loss of her over the course of nearly my whole adult life as she spiraled downwards nearly taking me in the process.
I also have grief over the pain this has caused my partner, who was unwillingly a passenger in this journey I chose to take in my own alcoholism--what I used to numb the grief and pain.
Gratitude is what I choose to feel that I have had in my life things that were worthy of grief--things so valuable I felt their loss deeply, hence I know how precious they were.
Gratitude isn't cherry picking--it is the roots and mud and trunk and branches of the cherry tree that is our life--it is embracing the whole, the bitter with the sweet.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
For me, grief is the emotion I feel for those things I valued so much that have been lost, and cannot be gotten back.
For me, it is my childhood pretty much destroyed due to my mother's alcohol addiction, and it is also the loss of her over the course of nearly my whole adult life as she spiraled downwards nearly taking me in the process.
I also have grief over the pain this has caused my partner, who was unwillingly a passenger in this journey I chose to take in my own alcoholism--what I used to numb the grief and pain.
Gratitude is what I choose to feel that I have had in my life things that were worthy of grief--things so valuable I felt their loss deeply, hence I know how precious they were.
Gratitude isn't cherry picking--it is the roots and mud and trunk and branches of the cherry tree that is our life--it is embracing the whole, the bitter with the sweet.
For me, it is my childhood pretty much destroyed due to my mother's alcohol addiction, and it is also the loss of her over the course of nearly my whole adult life as she spiraled downwards nearly taking me in the process.
I also have grief over the pain this has caused my partner, who was unwillingly a passenger in this journey I chose to take in my own alcoholism--what I used to numb the grief and pain.
Gratitude is what I choose to feel that I have had in my life things that were worthy of grief--things so valuable I felt their loss deeply, hence I know how precious they were.
Gratitude isn't cherry picking--it is the roots and mud and trunk and branches of the cherry tree that is our life--it is embracing the whole, the bitter with the sweet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
I 100% agree, Hawk. Again, it's not about the problems themselves, but one's perspective towards life. If your whole life is darkness and blackness, gratitude is the capacity to take a tiny spark and grow it into a flame. If life gives you grief and sadness, it's all the more important to fasten on, nourish, and appreciate the good. It isn't about who is lucky or unlucky. People who practice gratitude aren't delusional or more fortunate than you. Just like there is no problem that drinking can't make worse, there is no problem that gratitude can't make better.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
Yes it’s boring and frustrating in the beginning. Life sucked for the first few months . I wanted to drink everyday , that’s what I did for so long how the hell am I going to live without it. I missed the bar where I could be whoever I wanted to be.
I remember going to the bar drinking soda and I was bored there also. A man without a country. I didn’t drink kept at my sobriety and little by slowly things got better.;I am an AA member , I know it’s not for everyone but it’s working for me. I take the boredom for nice quiet times now. I do not miss the chaos anymore.
I remember going to the bar drinking soda and I was bored there also. A man without a country. I didn’t drink kept at my sobriety and little by slowly things got better.;I am an AA member , I know it’s not for everyone but it’s working for me. I take the boredom for nice quiet times now. I do not miss the chaos anymore.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Wouldn't call it "lucky" Tony--I'm not sharing many of the gory details.
I know you've lived through the unthinkable, but will you let it define the rest of your life for you and your spouse?
I do truly hope you find healing and peace--but it isn't going to be in the bottle.
I know you've lived through the unthinkable, but will you let it define the rest of your life for you and your spouse?
I do truly hope you find healing and peace--but it isn't going to be in the bottle.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I do truly hope you find healing and peace--but it isn't going to be in the bottle.
But for the record (and this shouldn’t need to be said to or by anyone on here) - if I thought peace and happiness was in a bottle of alcohol I wouldn’t be posting on SR.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I know you've lived through the unthinkable, but will you let it define the rest of your life for you and your spouse?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
If you're feeling this way, I would recommend that you really focus on cultivating curiosity, ESPECIALLY when people in long-term recovery offer advice. Before you respond, consider that you may not always see things the way they are. You may feel certain of things that are actually incorrect. There may be strategies that you have previously dismissed that should be considered further. Humility was (and is) my greatest recovery tool.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by Primativo
I am now actively engaged in my passion for music, I spend all my free time writing music. Something I neglected for over a decade as a heavy drinker. I now have the energy and motivation to pursue my passion for music. On the contrary, life isn't boring, it's more fulfilling than ever.
Now my productivity and passion for art is absolutely through the roof and I wouldn't want it any other way.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by JustTony
Feels like there is nowhere to turn.
I've never taken medication for my emotional states - I've never wanted to. I don;t feel one way or another about people that do. I just have never wanted that for me. Well.... I say I have never taken medication. I don't suppose I am counting the 20 to 25 bottles of wine I used to drink a week?
I've never received counselling either. Not even when the very worst things happened to me and those I loved. Again... maybe that's the way I'm wired. Maybe I like my own pity party?
You sound miserable. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel but I have known enough alcoholics to see the writing on the wall here.
You know you need help but damn it you aren't going to accept any! You drank copious amounts of alcohol to mask your feelings, which may or may not include depression but none of those pharmaceuticals for you!
Now I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do and I never would but I do see a pattern in your thinking here. It's ok to self-medicate but you can't go to a doctor you trust to see if you might have a mental challenge they can help with? If they have help for you, you don't want it anyway?
Boredom, yes, the answers sound flat, but I'll tell you what (many) sober people do when we get bored - we DO something. If I am sitting here bored (and that is incredibly rare), I stand up and DO something. Could be something constructive like cleaning, could be something just entertaining, like finding a movie to watch.
Maybe you need to try bungee jumping.
Regardless of what it is, action is the key.
Please take what you like and leave the rest, I hope I'm not out of line posting in this forum but your post had me replying, so there you have it for what it's worth.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by JustTony
With alcoholism - the beast within tortures you with the obvious other option and tells you that you don't need to wait for time to heal you. Just drink!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I can relate. Boredom is my enemy. I live in a town that's new to me, and really haven't made any friends. It's hard at this age. Ugh. I guess I just need to get some new hobbies. I had an old English teacher who used to say, "If you're bored, you're boring." No sense in adding guilt to an already depressing situation! You seem to have such a full and busy life compared to mine, but I guess it's all relative -- whatever you're used to. The public library is my friend.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Hey Tony, just chiming in for support. I also know how it feels to be told the obvious but still not feel it yourself.
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
I do this too. Love it!
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by JustTony
My post is a snapshot of my frame of mind right now. As is your reply. I am pretty sure the construct of your emotional state and view of the world would have been expressed differently when you started out on your recovery journey.
People say “be grateful”. Fine. I get that. We can all be grateful to one extent or another. But I have a lot to be regretful and bitter about too. Terrible things. Things I had zero control over. So being grateful has to be put into the context of ones whole life and not just some illusionary cherry pick of the good bits.
Some say “being bored is a state of context/mind/scenario” etc. That can feel like a pithy piece of non-advice too. “No s**t Sherlock. If it was as easy a booking a bungee jump to make me happy I would be hurtling off a cliff with an elastic rope round my ankle already”
And lastly I wasn’t talking for the whole world that doesn’t drink. Just for me. But I didn’t make that clear so I’ll accept those comments as “guilty as charged”
I’m working as hard as I can at sobriety. I’m reading, posting, keeping fit, being mindful, working hard, socialising.... as much as I can muster.
But I’m struggling and I feel that no matter what I do at the moment won’t make me even close to being happy.
No choice but to soldier on.
JT
People say “be grateful”. Fine. I get that. We can all be grateful to one extent or another. But I have a lot to be regretful and bitter about too. Terrible things. Things I had zero control over. So being grateful has to be put into the context of ones whole life and not just some illusionary cherry pick of the good bits.
Some say “being bored is a state of context/mind/scenario” etc. That can feel like a pithy piece of non-advice too. “No s**t Sherlock. If it was as easy a booking a bungee jump to make me happy I would be hurtling off a cliff with an elastic rope round my ankle already”
And lastly I wasn’t talking for the whole world that doesn’t drink. Just for me. But I didn’t make that clear so I’ll accept those comments as “guilty as charged”
I’m working as hard as I can at sobriety. I’m reading, posting, keeping fit, being mindful, working hard, socialising.... as much as I can muster.
But I’m struggling and I feel that no matter what I do at the moment won’t make me even close to being happy.
No choice but to soldier on.
JT
It takes two years to heal the brain. That’s actually not anecdotal. It’s fact.
You’d feel like sh1t if you drank again, too. But feeling like garbage as a sober person...you don’t hurt others who get in your way.
Because one thing we all know is: an alcoholic isn’t really a target, an alcoholic is more like a weapon that sprays bullets in all directions.
Save yourself in this suck fest: you end up saving everyone else, too. And then it becomes just “life” and you figure out how to cope differently, instead of coping in that particular way.
I feel you man. I really do.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi Tony, I can relate to your post. I am 15 months sober and have struggled during that time with boredom, particularly at weekends. My routine was heavy alcohol consumption at the weekends from a Friday to a Sunday and then back to work with a hideous hangover. It was actually some of the states that I got myself into that drove me to quitting for good.
I was desperate to find something to fill the weekends. During the first months of sobriety I re-engaged an old friend of mine from University days who has not drunk for 13 years and we promised each other that we would get together more and I suggested that we go to the local golf course and play golf (I have an old set of clubs and he's got all the latest gear) and we have now been golfing every weekend for a year (even in Scotland) and we both love it.
This is a great solution for a Sunday as we play a sport we both enjoy, are out there for 4 - 5 hours at a time and get some competition, a good laugh and some exercise. We even have a small trophy that we share depending on who wins.
Golf/sport will not be for everyone but it works really well at killing time in an enjoyable way, at least for me.
I'm still looking for other things to kill the time and I have been reading more, cooking, going to the cinema, out for food, etc. far more than I used to. I've also changed in that I don't want to isolate so much so have reached out to friends on Facebook and I meet them when I can. All of these things have happened more naturally as I have maintained sobriety. I also want to follow-up on volunteering in order to give something back and help people who are struggling. God knows it could be any one of us in the blink of an eye.
My latest idea is to follow up on some of my interest in mindfulness and meditation as another way of spending down-time positively and healthily and also satisfying my own curiosity about meditation.
I feel I am only getting started but that's where I am, 15 months in.
I know that feeling of stifling boredom but, in my experience, it really can be confronted and overcome with some time and openness to things you used to enjoy or think you could enjoy. The 'first step', and all that.
All the best, Tony. I have followed your story and enjoy your posts for their courage and honesty.
Cheers D
I was desperate to find something to fill the weekends. During the first months of sobriety I re-engaged an old friend of mine from University days who has not drunk for 13 years and we promised each other that we would get together more and I suggested that we go to the local golf course and play golf (I have an old set of clubs and he's got all the latest gear) and we have now been golfing every weekend for a year (even in Scotland) and we both love it.
This is a great solution for a Sunday as we play a sport we both enjoy, are out there for 4 - 5 hours at a time and get some competition, a good laugh and some exercise. We even have a small trophy that we share depending on who wins.
Golf/sport will not be for everyone but it works really well at killing time in an enjoyable way, at least for me.
I'm still looking for other things to kill the time and I have been reading more, cooking, going to the cinema, out for food, etc. far more than I used to. I've also changed in that I don't want to isolate so much so have reached out to friends on Facebook and I meet them when I can. All of these things have happened more naturally as I have maintained sobriety. I also want to follow-up on volunteering in order to give something back and help people who are struggling. God knows it could be any one of us in the blink of an eye.
My latest idea is to follow up on some of my interest in mindfulness and meditation as another way of spending down-time positively and healthily and also satisfying my own curiosity about meditation.
I feel I am only getting started but that's where I am, 15 months in.
I know that feeling of stifling boredom but, in my experience, it really can be confronted and overcome with some time and openness to things you used to enjoy or think you could enjoy. The 'first step', and all that.
All the best, Tony. I have followed your story and enjoy your posts for their courage and honesty.
Cheers D
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