The Curse
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Based on the things you've written in this thread I know exactly how you are feeling.
It's demoralizing as can be when you are committed to sobriety, working your plan, your life is objectively getting better, and you are rewarded by deep depression. It is a swift kick to the nuts.
I've also lost my cool with other people in recovery who either didn't experience this or not to the same extent. The last thing I wanted to hear from the skeptics is that maybe I need to stop drinking coffee and I'll feel better. Believe me I know exactly how you feel and why you are getting frustrated.
There is no way to sugarcoat it, father time heals all. It's probably not what you want to hear just as it wasn't what I wanted to hear but unfortunately it's true. I felt like giving up many times along the way.
I hope you keep fighting. Life does get better on the other side.
It's demoralizing as can be when you are committed to sobriety, working your plan, your life is objectively getting better, and you are rewarded by deep depression. It is a swift kick to the nuts.
I've also lost my cool with other people in recovery who either didn't experience this or not to the same extent. The last thing I wanted to hear from the skeptics is that maybe I need to stop drinking coffee and I'll feel better. Believe me I know exactly how you feel and why you are getting frustrated.
There is no way to sugarcoat it, father time heals all. It's probably not what you want to hear just as it wasn't what I wanted to hear but unfortunately it's true. I felt like giving up many times along the way.
I hope you keep fighting. Life does get better on the other side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by WeThinkNot 
Based on the things you've written in this thread I know exactly how you are feeling.
It's demoralizing as can be when you are committed to sobriety, working your plan, your life is objectively getting better, and you are rewarded by deep depression. It is a swift kick to the nuts.
I've also lost my cool with other people in recovery who either didn't experience this or not to the same extent. The last thing I wanted to hear from the skeptics is that maybe I need to stop drinking coffee and I'll feel better. Believe me I know exactly how you feel and why you are getting frustrated.
There is no way to sugarcoat it, father time heals all. It's probably not what you want to hear just as it wasn't what I wanted to hear but unfortunately it's true. I felt like giving up many times along the way.
I hope you keep fighting. Life does get better on the other side.
It's demoralizing as can be when you are committed to sobriety, working your plan, your life is objectively getting better, and you are rewarded by deep depression. It is a swift kick to the nuts.
I've also lost my cool with other people in recovery who either didn't experience this or not to the same extent. The last thing I wanted to hear from the skeptics is that maybe I need to stop drinking coffee and I'll feel better. Believe me I know exactly how you feel and why you are getting frustrated.
There is no way to sugarcoat it, father time heals all. It's probably not what you want to hear just as it wasn't what I wanted to hear but unfortunately it's true. I felt like giving up many times along the way.
I hope you keep fighting. Life does get better on the other side.
The truth is that time does heal and I know that. But the difference with say 'grief' is that you cannot bring that person back from the dead. So you have no option but to let time heal or join the one you're mourning as the only other alternative.
With alcoholism - the beast within tortures you with the obvious other option and tells you that you don't need to wait for time to heal you. Just drink!
Anyway - what I am saying is that you're right. Thank you for the constructive and empathetic posts.
In case anyone is wondering I'm not going to drink tonight. It's nearly 9pm in the UK and time for bed. I'm just venting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I have found that my feelings ebb and flow. I have good months, not as good months, great months.....and really awful months...like the past 2 weeks. Cancer treatments are making me way more sick than I had expected and I have 2 more....sad days. So probably a few more weeks of feeling physically lousy...which makes fighting any mental states challenging. And my darn dog had to get stitches and has to wear the cone of shame. Depresses me just looking at him....and he's just plain angry about the whole thing. Poor fella. At least I don't have to wear a cone...so there's that.
It gets easier. But booze was kinda my life for quite a while. I mean, it was a hobby. It was my medication. It was my friend. There is a theme on these forums and in treatment groups : I'm bored. I can't find an outlet. I'm going crazy. I'm resentful. I think this is something most addicts struggle with. Not only finding purpose but finding a way to release the primal beast without turning to booze to do so (sometimes referred to as 'an outlet').
I remind myself I'm right where I should be, good or bad. And one thing is for sure, feelings always change. Good or bad. Just it doesn't happen passively, as it does when I drink. It happens actively....which I'm sometimes too damn lazy to do...like right now
Hang in there.
It gets easier. But booze was kinda my life for quite a while. I mean, it was a hobby. It was my medication. It was my friend. There is a theme on these forums and in treatment groups : I'm bored. I can't find an outlet. I'm going crazy. I'm resentful. I think this is something most addicts struggle with. Not only finding purpose but finding a way to release the primal beast without turning to booze to do so (sometimes referred to as 'an outlet').
I remind myself I'm right where I should be, good or bad. And one thing is for sure, feelings always change. Good or bad. Just it doesn't happen passively, as it does when I drink. It happens actively....which I'm sometimes too damn lazy to do...like right now
Hang in there.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by JustTony
Yes I'm familiar with PAWS... It's possible that this might be part of my struggle?
Honestly? There is no way I will survive for the best part of two years feeling like this. Kudos that you are fighting that fight after so long. I really admire you for it. I'm not strong enough to feel like this in October 2020.
Honestly? There is no way I will survive for the best part of two years feeling like this. Kudos that you are fighting that fight after so long. I really admire you for it. I'm not strong enough to feel like this in October 2020.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Tony!! Im so sorry you are feeling this way! Been there too! Such a silly saying but don't stop until the miracle happens? I think that's what they say? Ugh! So F-ing frustrating my friend, we are miserable with it and it can be miserable without it! It doesn't have to be...the accumulation of sober days will heal you and put distance between you and that thinking. Im so sorry, been there before and I will be there again. Now is the time for us to give you support. I hope you can take it. Big hugs my friend.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
I'm 2 weeks sober and a serial relapser. I agree with Least that gratitude is a good strategy. At least it is for me. Respectfully, I don't think gratitude is "cherry picking" the good and ignoring the bad. Rather it's about reorienting yourself and your perspective of the world to the present moment. It's about taking in the good in your life with as much love and kindness as you possibly can. Like a tree that learns to grow on the side of a shady mountain or a plant that twists itself to get sunlight.
Personally, I've never felt it as a practice opposed to grief. Feeling grateful and trying to express it, whether in words or just to myself, is a cathartic experience. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad. It's one of the only things I've found that can save me from feeling bored and frustrated because I can't have a drink.
Personally, I've never felt it as a practice opposed to grief. Feeling grateful and trying to express it, whether in words or just to myself, is a cathartic experience. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad. It's one of the only things I've found that can save me from feeling bored and frustrated because I can't have a drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Hi Tony
Some good ideas and help here.
The only thing i'd add is just because you think it, or fear it, doesn't make it true.
The first 90 days were pretty rough for me - after the initial thirty days things got better sure, but I thought the price I had to pay for being sober was a vapid emptiness. Compared to death that seemed ok though so I went with it..
Other people kept telling me things got better and I smiled sadly at them thinking that my experience was not going to be like that, but thanks for the thought, guys....
It took me over three months sober for me to lose my drinking thinking - e.g. everything was dull, I had no joy, and whats more I had no right to deserve to expect anything else in future.
Slowly that lifted and I began to see that I was still living a drinkers life, by and large.
I was still looking for 'the boost'.
My life was pretty boring and predictable - that was fine for Dee the drinker, but intolerable for Dee the sober guy.
I began to imagine what a life I love might look like and how I could start to work at realising that life.
I did see a Dr and a counsellor and both things were useful to me.
I would have never said I was depressed or needed therapy, but both things undeniably helped me maintain an even keel that first year.
I had a fundamental belief that I did not deserve good things happening to me. That needed to be challenged.
I've said before, I believe recovery is not meant to be endured.
If you feel like you're enduring recovery then maybe something is awry?
The good news is that you can fix it. You have that power
D
Some good ideas and help here.
The only thing i'd add is just because you think it, or fear it, doesn't make it true.
The first 90 days were pretty rough for me - after the initial thirty days things got better sure, but I thought the price I had to pay for being sober was a vapid emptiness. Compared to death that seemed ok though so I went with it..
Other people kept telling me things got better and I smiled sadly at them thinking that my experience was not going to be like that, but thanks for the thought, guys....
It took me over three months sober for me to lose my drinking thinking - e.g. everything was dull, I had no joy, and whats more I had no right to deserve to expect anything else in future.
Slowly that lifted and I began to see that I was still living a drinkers life, by and large.
I was still looking for 'the boost'.
My life was pretty boring and predictable - that was fine for Dee the drinker, but intolerable for Dee the sober guy.
I began to imagine what a life I love might look like and how I could start to work at realising that life.
I did see a Dr and a counsellor and both things were useful to me.
I would have never said I was depressed or needed therapy, but both things undeniably helped me maintain an even keel that first year.
I had a fundamental belief that I did not deserve good things happening to me. That needed to be challenged.
I've said before, I believe recovery is not meant to be endured.
If you feel like you're enduring recovery then maybe something is awry?
The good news is that you can fix it. You have that power
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by JustTony
Sobriety bores me
Drinking will kill me
Moderation is impossible
Feels like there is nowhere to turn.
Drinking will kill me
Moderation is impossible
Feels like there is nowhere to turn.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Tony
I've said before, I believe recovery is not meant to be endured.
If you feel like you're enduring recovery then maybe something is awry?
D
I've said before, I believe recovery is not meant to be endured.
If you feel like you're enduring recovery then maybe something is awry?
D
My limited advice to anyone (especially myself) is to try your best to fall in love with the process more than anything. Make everything you do as easy and obvious as possible. If you don't, you won't keep at it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,278
I love the fact that there is actually a name/term for how I’m feeling too, like Tony. Thanks for that Anvilhead.
Now , when I feel like this, I can say, “Oh, it’s my Anhedonia acting up again” 😊 Also love the fact that it is like the opposite of “hedonist”.
Tony, my friend, I really get how you are feeling. I posted on one of your threads not so long ago about this , feeling bored and blah and seeing a bleak horizon ahead.
Reading up on Anhedonia , ( see, I just HAD to use that word again) , brought up exactly what I suspected it would. Depression.
While you were still part of the August class, you went through a very similar cycle, I remember it. We then spoke of your dislike of counselling etc. But , knowing your history and the heartache you went through, I then and now urge you to consider going to see someone to help you work through these feelings.
You are a strong, witty, sharp , no nonsense type of guy, but that doesn’t mean you don’t hurt. Having said that, I too could do with some counselling, and I too have refused to go. But I did admit that I needed some form of help, and the easiest was taking an anti-depressant. Please at least consider it? It really made a difference for me.
The problem with sobriety is that if it was as simple as just not drinking , many people would be “healed” from alcoholism. That’s what people often don’t get when they say “But just stop drinking” That’s the easy part. What comes after “just not drinking” is the hard part.
Because that’s the part where we are led to introspection, profound thoughts, questioning our lives – whether we want to or not. That is the true healing. And that is the difficult part – at least for me it is.
Which is why, I personally think so many people relapse. They are not prepared to climb that next precipice – they are still out of breath from climbing the first. But not climbing further up, not sweating out the next level , is going to leave you “just not drinking”. Like stopping anti-biotics halfway through and not finishing the course.
Please hang in here, with me and many others, and climb this next daunting rockface with us. There might be more along the way, before we reach the summit. But I also see you as a guy who’s up for a challenge. So … can I count you in?
Now , when I feel like this, I can say, “Oh, it’s my Anhedonia acting up again” 😊 Also love the fact that it is like the opposite of “hedonist”.
Tony, my friend, I really get how you are feeling. I posted on one of your threads not so long ago about this , feeling bored and blah and seeing a bleak horizon ahead.
Reading up on Anhedonia , ( see, I just HAD to use that word again) , brought up exactly what I suspected it would. Depression.
While you were still part of the August class, you went through a very similar cycle, I remember it. We then spoke of your dislike of counselling etc. But , knowing your history and the heartache you went through, I then and now urge you to consider going to see someone to help you work through these feelings.
You are a strong, witty, sharp , no nonsense type of guy, but that doesn’t mean you don’t hurt. Having said that, I too could do with some counselling, and I too have refused to go. But I did admit that I needed some form of help, and the easiest was taking an anti-depressant. Please at least consider it? It really made a difference for me.
The problem with sobriety is that if it was as simple as just not drinking , many people would be “healed” from alcoholism. That’s what people often don’t get when they say “But just stop drinking” That’s the easy part. What comes after “just not drinking” is the hard part.
Because that’s the part where we are led to introspection, profound thoughts, questioning our lives – whether we want to or not. That is the true healing. And that is the difficult part – at least for me it is.
Which is why, I personally think so many people relapse. They are not prepared to climb that next precipice – they are still out of breath from climbing the first. But not climbing further up, not sweating out the next level , is going to leave you “just not drinking”. Like stopping anti-biotics halfway through and not finishing the course.
Please hang in here, with me and many others, and climb this next daunting rockface with us. There might be more along the way, before we reach the summit. But I also see you as a guy who’s up for a challenge. So … can I count you in?
South Asian
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 121
I am two months sober. Was in a very dark place for most of the first month. Ups and downs in the second month - but better. Generally, feeling more positive now. Nothing fundamental has changed about my perspective on life. I am clear it is ultimately all meaningless. But whatever attitude I have to what has happened or what will happen, I just generally feel brighter and more positive. Somehow the neurons in the brain are now firing a little bit differently. This doesn't change the world. But changes how I feel about it all. Keep chugging along.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 350
Sobriety bores me
Drinking will kill me
Moderation is impossible
Feels like there is nowhere to turn.
Hi Tony
I hear you loud and clear!
yes moderation is pretty much an impossible for 99.9% of us and as alcoholics we are here because we know that alcohol has been and will kill us if we let it.
However there is somewhere to turn and you have taken that turn. The most important first step has been made.
So Because you are on the correct path with the other aspects I think concentrating on why sobriety bores you and what small changes can be made to liven things up a little.
When I go for a run in the country I see birds and trees and grass on the beach I see sand and water and birds.
imagine now what I would see if I was looking through Sir Richard Attenborough's eyes WOW wouldn't that be a wonder to behold.
I think that I am just trying to show you that we have to train ourselves again like when we were children to absorb and embrace things, it takes practice and lots of it. This planet is one beautiful place and we are racing through our time with the alcohol blinkers still down.
Get some live comedy performances on dvd and crack a rib.
i find it tough and I hate knowing that there is no middle ground for me. Other people don't drink like me I thought for years that everyone did but it's just always been my own mind games tricking me!
I walk the same walk as you do I feel the same way I want to have the fast result or to take the red pill and find myself in the matrix eating that perfect steak!
I see myself hypothetically in a small boat on rough sea. But given time hope and good fortune I will one day be on a huge ocean liner unaffected by the rough water that will look calm from my perspective!
stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 177
Hi Tony. I keep reminding myself of how bad I used to feel when I was drinking, and no matter what soberity throws at me , it just dose t come close to how bad I used to feel when drinking , I shudder now even thinking of the horrendous morning s I used put down , boredom passes , something or someone that annoyed me a month ago no longer does , keep going is my suggestion, day by day , keep adding up those days. No going back only forward.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Tony,
Some of the emptiness I felt after quitting drinking is still there.
Depending on a myriad of factors it can take years to normalize.
Folks regret relapse after after decades of sobriety.
I have to remember that or I will relapse.
The av is patient. It waits in the corners of my mind for any chance...good or bad.
I mix up my work out to trick my body into releasing some natural opium...e.g. dopamine, endorphins, and adrenaline.
I also try to laugh..e.g. comedy shows etc.
I post on sr to help people. I help people at work as well.
That is how I get high now.
It is no mystery. It is science.
I must suffer to get free. Taking meds, some need them, is another addiction.
Mixing meds and booze is another level of hell on earth.
Thanks.
Some of the emptiness I felt after quitting drinking is still there.
Depending on a myriad of factors it can take years to normalize.
Folks regret relapse after after decades of sobriety.
I have to remember that or I will relapse.
The av is patient. It waits in the corners of my mind for any chance...good or bad.
I mix up my work out to trick my body into releasing some natural opium...e.g. dopamine, endorphins, and adrenaline.
I also try to laugh..e.g. comedy shows etc.
I post on sr to help people. I help people at work as well.
That is how I get high now.
It is no mystery. It is science.
I must suffer to get free. Taking meds, some need them, is another addiction.
Mixing meds and booze is another level of hell on earth.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
You may be bored, but what is the alternative? Nothing is as bad as drinking, that much is clear.
So whilst sobriety may be boring currently, it's up to you to write your own chapters in your life, choose your own destiny.
If you drink, alcohol will choose your destiny for you, and we all know what that is. For me personally, nothing makes me feel as bad as I do when I drink. For that I guess I am thankful as my choice is quite clear.
I actually pity many people, my friends included, whose lives revolve around booze. I see it clearly now. I have had an awakening. I am now actively engaged in my passion for music, I spend all my free time writing music. Something I neglected for over a decade as a heavy drinker. I now have the energy and motivation to pursue my passion for music. On the contrary, life isn't boring, it's more fulfilling than ever. I can drive up to London and back without suffering a panic attack because of the way drink made me feel. I look at many people in society, and their life is mundane. Work and then drink, work and then drink. What a sad way to live.
There are so many people who are teetotal, many many successful people I may add too. I think there is a link there.
So whilst sobriety may be boring currently, it's up to you to write your own chapters in your life, choose your own destiny.
If you drink, alcohol will choose your destiny for you, and we all know what that is. For me personally, nothing makes me feel as bad as I do when I drink. For that I guess I am thankful as my choice is quite clear.
I actually pity many people, my friends included, whose lives revolve around booze. I see it clearly now. I have had an awakening. I am now actively engaged in my passion for music, I spend all my free time writing music. Something I neglected for over a decade as a heavy drinker. I now have the energy and motivation to pursue my passion for music. On the contrary, life isn't boring, it's more fulfilling than ever. I can drive up to London and back without suffering a panic attack because of the way drink made me feel. I look at many people in society, and their life is mundane. Work and then drink, work and then drink. What a sad way to live.
There are so many people who are teetotal, many many successful people I may add too. I think there is a link there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hey Tony, just chiming in for support. I also know how it feels to be told the obvious but still not feel it yourself.
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
Sometimes it helps me to take a look at other non-drinkers. Not recovering alcoholics who have gotten sober and are currently not drinking but people who have simply never drank or are not drinking currently. Often when I compared my part to that of other sober alcoholics I would get frustrated and down that I wasn't achieving what they were, as fast as they were, as happily as they were, etc. etc. I admired them, but also at times felt they couldn't relate to my personal struggle. So sometimes I look to an average non-drinker as inspiration. I like going to the dinners my gym organises. There are quite a few professional athletes that train there and as part of their training they do not drink alcohol. I enjoy talking to them and watching them socialise with ease without wine. I have a friend who is a world champion kick boxer, so he also doesn't drink for training but in addition he is muslim and does not drink for his religion. I like watching him out at dinners, laughing and joking, even getting a bit wild. I follow his instagram and Facebook page and enjoy the pictures of him having a day at the pool or going on a hike, always smiling with a group of friends. He had a post recently of a "guys night out" and there was picture after picture of him at the aperitivo, at dinner, at the club, laughing, having fun, coca-cola in hand for the toasts....
I don't know if this makes any sense but it helps me sometimes. Just normal people having fun without alcohol- not sober people who managed to do it better than me (not that we should be comparing ourselves to others, but you know...)
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