Something I need to say...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 469
Something I need to say...
After 41 days last night I almost relapsed. I was close. Too close. I’m going to celebrate today because not drinking yesterday and coming here instead was huge for me.
Something else I need to get off my chest. I love alcohol. It’s all I think about day in and day out. I obsess over it every minute of every day. It’s my escape button. I push the button and all my dreams come true. I can relax. I can escape. I can make everything and everyone disappear. I love disappearing.
I drank and drove all the time. I even drank while driving. I put everyone at risk. I could’ve killed your child, your brother or sister, your friend... I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong. I never once in all my years drinking got a DWI and I’m not sure why.
One more thing. I have an addiction. I know it sounds dumb but I didn’t really know this until yesterday. I was googling every reason why I wasn’t a problem drinker. I wanted google to tell me I could go ahead and drink because I’m a normy. I googled most of the afternoon. I answered my own questions because, well, normies don’t google that kind of stuff all day. Normies don’t think about alcohol all day long.
I have an addiction.
Today I am 42 days sober and ready to fight.
Something else I need to get off my chest. I love alcohol. It’s all I think about day in and day out. I obsess over it every minute of every day. It’s my escape button. I push the button and all my dreams come true. I can relax. I can escape. I can make everything and everyone disappear. I love disappearing.
I drank and drove all the time. I even drank while driving. I put everyone at risk. I could’ve killed your child, your brother or sister, your friend... I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong. I never once in all my years drinking got a DWI and I’m not sure why.
One more thing. I have an addiction. I know it sounds dumb but I didn’t really know this until yesterday. I was googling every reason why I wasn’t a problem drinker. I wanted google to tell me I could go ahead and drink because I’m a normy. I googled most of the afternoon. I answered my own questions because, well, normies don’t google that kind of stuff all day. Normies don’t think about alcohol all day long.
I have an addiction.
Today I am 42 days sober and ready to fight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 564
Originally Posted by secretchord 
After 41 days last night I almost relapsed. I was close. Too close. I’m going to celebrate today because not drinking yesterday and coming here instead was huge for me.
Something else I need to get off my chest. I love alcohol. It’s all I think about day in and day out. I obsess over it every minute of every day. It’s my escape button. I push the button and all my dreams come true. I can relax. I can escape. I can make everything and everyone disappear. I love disappearing.
I drank and drove all the time. I even drank while driving. I put everyone at risk. I could’ve killed your child, your brother or sister, your friend... I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong. I never once in all my years drinking got a DWI and I’m not sure why.
One more thing. I have an addiction. I know it sounds dumb but I didn’t really know this until yesterday. I was googling every reason why I wasn’t a problem drinker. I wanted google to tell me I could go ahead and drink because I’m a normy. I googled most of the afternoon. I answered my own questions because, well, normies don’t google that kind of stuff all day. Normies don’t think about alcohol all day long.
I have an addiction.
Today I am 42 days sober and ready to fight.
Something else I need to get off my chest. I love alcohol. It’s all I think about day in and day out. I obsess over it every minute of every day. It’s my escape button. I push the button and all my dreams come true. I can relax. I can escape. I can make everything and everyone disappear. I love disappearing.
I drank and drove all the time. I even drank while driving. I put everyone at risk. I could’ve killed your child, your brother or sister, your friend... I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong. I never once in all my years drinking got a DWI and I’m not sure why.
One more thing. I have an addiction. I know it sounds dumb but I didn’t really know this until yesterday. I was googling every reason why I wasn’t a problem drinker. I wanted google to tell me I could go ahead and drink because I’m a normy. I googled most of the afternoon. I answered my own questions because, well, normies don’t google that kind of stuff all day. Normies don’t think about alcohol all day long.
I have an addiction.
Today I am 42 days sober and ready to fight.
The reasons I drank...... to get drunk to oblivion, the reasons I snorted so much coke........ to be wasted. An I liked being there,just so I could stop thinking, over analysing everything. I just wanted to switch off. To disappear. To understand this has been hard, but I suppose we need to understand to get better. Much love 🙏
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Thank you for your honesty, I know how hard that was for you to say but admitting you have a problem is half the battle. We all like to find some respite from lifes hardships sometimes but when you find that you have to medicate yourself with alcohol in order to be able to do it then it's time to find the reason why you want to escape in the first place.
The obsession will start to fade, you really need to try to divert your thoughts elsewhere no point in dreaming about something you can't have it will only make it worse.
The obsession will start to fade, you really need to try to divert your thoughts elsewhere no point in dreaming about something you can't have it will only make it worse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Congratulations! I completely understand why this is such an important milestone for you.
I remember feeling so frustrated and angry with myself because I could not resist the AV. I also would drink and drive. If I had to leave for work on a Sunday afternoon I would be drinking all afternoon then take about 6 beers with me for the road drinking the whole way to the hotel room.
I also never got a DUI but it was truly only a matter of time.
Gratitude is often talked about on this site and I totally believe it.
Gratitude takes the place of the AV. Life giving.
I remember feeling so frustrated and angry with myself because I could not resist the AV. I also would drink and drive. If I had to leave for work on a Sunday afternoon I would be drinking all afternoon then take about 6 beers with me for the road drinking the whole way to the hotel room.
I also never got a DUI but it was truly only a matter of time.
Gratitude is often talked about on this site and I totally believe it.
Gratitude takes the place of the AV. Life giving.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I'm so glad you stayed sober last night. 42 days is great, and tomorrow it will be 43.
I know you shared you love alcohol, but think of all the problems it has cost you. It is not worth it. Alcohol may temporalily allow you to forget whatever is currently causing you stress and anxiety. However, it will be there the next day, and then you will be dealing with it with a hangover.
What kinds of supports do you have in place to help you when you're feeling like this?
I know you shared you love alcohol, but think of all the problems it has cost you. It is not worth it. Alcohol may temporalily allow you to forget whatever is currently causing you stress and anxiety. However, it will be there the next day, and then you will be dealing with it with a hangover.
What kinds of supports do you have in place to help you when you're feeling like this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by courage2
I loved alcohol too. But it's dead to me. It has to be. Stake in its heart and 12 feet under. Thank you for this post!
Last night was one of the hardest nights I've ever had. It took everything in me to come here. I felt like the AV completely beat me down and kept kicking at me. This morning I feel stronger and proud. In hindsight I should have come here earlier before the thoughts started spiraling. I let it get to me and I could've done something about before it got out of control but I chose to focus on it instead.
Its funny I like disappearing because I really don't have a bad life. I have a great life in fact. I have a husband, a son, a relaxing home in the country, the career I've always wanted. It really goes to show that addiction doesn't discriminate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Proud of you for not caving and coming here.
You saved yourself.
I'll tell you what google might not; alcoholism is a chronic, relapsing and progressive disease. Without help we are almost powerless against it.
I know if I were you, I would have drank last night and then again today and again indefinitely.
That's the way I am. It wouldn't be a one day slip. It would have led right back to where I was ten years ago.
It's why I don't drink today.
I would have disappeared as long as I was drunk. Sleep it off, and I would disappear again. And again.
Sick, loathsome full of anxiety and regret.
I'm glad you made the right choice. It does get easier to make that choice. Believe me, I relapsed over and over the last ten years of my drinking.
Cunning, baffling and powerful. That's alcohol.
As you say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Congratulations on forty two days.
You saved yourself.
I'll tell you what google might not; alcoholism is a chronic, relapsing and progressive disease. Without help we are almost powerless against it.
I know if I were you, I would have drank last night and then again today and again indefinitely.
That's the way I am. It wouldn't be a one day slip. It would have led right back to where I was ten years ago.
It's why I don't drink today.
I would have disappeared as long as I was drunk. Sleep it off, and I would disappear again. And again.
Sick, loathsome full of anxiety and regret.
I'm glad you made the right choice. It does get easier to make that choice. Believe me, I relapsed over and over the last ten years of my drinking.
Cunning, baffling and powerful. That's alcohol.
As you say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Congratulations on forty two days.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Thank you for sharing this. The candid description is reflective of many including myself in one way or the other. Sucks to not be a normie but really cool to know we at least know we are powerless and there are many tools to combat the av.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I'm so glad you got through that difficult night. I hope you take some time to be proud of yourself for doing that.
Admitting that you are an addict is a big step towards healing and recovering. I think, as you add things to your life that you enjoy, the strong pull that alcohol has on you will lessen.
Admitting that you are an addict is a big step towards healing and recovering. I think, as you add things to your life that you enjoy, the strong pull that alcohol has on you will lessen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I was all in my head the first 60-90 days.trying to 'outsmart' what I knew to be a fact. That style of 'thinking' kept me drinking with prior attempts at staying sober. Are you doing anything besides just not drinking? I'm not an avid AA'er,but DUI court ordered AA really got me started to my now 2'ish yrs. Posting/reading here was also a huge part of my recovery and remains as such. Get's me outta my head and gives me a chance to help other's(even though I can be an ass at times 
). I also had a few therapy sessions in there.
). I also had a few therapy sessions in there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
This is why I love SR - we never have to feel alone, with even our most terrifying thoughts.
I don't know why I enjoyed disappearing either - I had nothing awful to escape from. When I first got sober I felt vulnerable & disoriented. Thankfully, that feeling left as I adjusted to my new life. I didn't think there'd be a day when alcohol didn't cross my mind - yet now I never think of it in a longing way.
I drank and drove too. I'm so thankful we are free of it, secretchord.
Congratulations on your hard earned 42 days. You are doing it!
I don't know why I enjoyed disappearing either - I had nothing awful to escape from. When I first got sober I felt vulnerable & disoriented. Thankfully, that feeling left as I adjusted to my new life. I didn't think there'd be a day when alcohol didn't cross my mind - yet now I never think of it in a longing way.
I drank and drove too. I'm so thankful we are free of it, secretchord.
Congratulations on your hard earned 42 days. You are doing it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
I definitely see where you are coming from. That is the tricky problem with addiction, some of us are just really unhappy people most of the time. Drugs and Alcohol take us to places that we yearn for!
When I think of drinking, I never think of the actually drink itself! I think of being in that enjoyable zone of being drink but not too drunk. Where I feel comfortable talking to people. Where the day seems less predictable and you sense that tonight something fun is going to happen. I am going to dance and sing and celebrate and be carefree!
And now I envy people who can get away with that! And I think ,as you have already conveyed, is difficult for us to come to terms with. We don't want to face the sobering truth that we are unable to moderate our drink without going off the rails! An unhappy soul gets hungry for relief and too hungry, it can't stop looking for it.
in some sense it is a real shame but addiction always leads to a dead-end. Always! It leads unhappiness to despair.
I hate modern life, it annoys the life out of me! And drink for me was a way of pulling me out of it. Pulling me out of the mundane and inane routines that seem pointless. Yet alcohol becomes the far worse alternative. My anxieties got worse. The paranoia grew bigger. I dreaded looking at my bank balance. I didn't eat, wash or clean. And eventually the drinking became a boring routine itself. I just ended up drinking alone in my house just so I wouldn't have to face the hangover which eventually came anyway.
Life sucks alot at times but drink just exacerbates that!
When I think of drinking, I never think of the actually drink itself! I think of being in that enjoyable zone of being drink but not too drunk. Where I feel comfortable talking to people. Where the day seems less predictable and you sense that tonight something fun is going to happen. I am going to dance and sing and celebrate and be carefree!
And now I envy people who can get away with that! And I think ,as you have already conveyed, is difficult for us to come to terms with. We don't want to face the sobering truth that we are unable to moderate our drink without going off the rails! An unhappy soul gets hungry for relief and too hungry, it can't stop looking for it.
in some sense it is a real shame but addiction always leads to a dead-end. Always! It leads unhappiness to despair.
I hate modern life, it annoys the life out of me! And drink for me was a way of pulling me out of it. Pulling me out of the mundane and inane routines that seem pointless. Yet alcohol becomes the far worse alternative. My anxieties got worse. The paranoia grew bigger. I dreaded looking at my bank balance. I didn't eat, wash or clean. And eventually the drinking became a boring routine itself. I just ended up drinking alone in my house just so I wouldn't have to face the hangover which eventually came anyway.
Life sucks alot at times but drink just exacerbates that!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 100
hey secretchord,
I dont write much on the site but your post resonated with me. I know I am not alone, my thoughts are the same as others when I say that you wrote out my feelings. You wrote out what has been in my head at times.
I too adore(d) alcohol. It was my world.
I too loved to vanish. Escape. Hit the reset button and leave the planet. I felt as though I had 'done my bit' for the day, I had been present long enough, 'put in'/'signed on' and made it through and my reward was getting to that happy place. The numb and escape. I looked forward to it so much.
I too never got 'done' for drink driving. To this day I am seriously lost as to how. I would make "intelligent" quips about how I had used my nine lives, your nine lives, my parent's nine lives, old mate down the streets nine lives... I dont know how many times I drove drunk but I would estimate to be in the hundreds. Baffling.
The searching for answers and confirmation or opposition to questions we really do know the answer to - just hate the admitting part. Delusion is so much easier and kinder. I bullsh*'d myself all the time. So many times. Even when I would accept the truth, it wouldnt ever last. It would be too painful. Too shameful.
The hard work was just too damn hard.
But you are on day 42 now. Thats massive. That to me is what I was always waiting for. - A decent milestone. "Now I could get into working hard at being sober. I had more than a week, a fortnight, a month..." The names for lengths of time I used to dream about attaining came one by one. They keep coming as well. In three days time it will be February and I will have a "whole" sober January for the first time in years. I have my one year coin and it is one day at a time.
Clarity continues to present itself to me on so many events and reasons as to why I drunk and it brings such peace and serenity. It staggers me that I continue this path and journey and answers to questions I did not even know I had to ask present themselves.
Even today, right now I feel like I have all my answers and I felt this way a week ago. But just two days ago, I had clarity as to why I went back to drinking in late 2017 - I had a lightbulb moment. Its as though I am doing a jigsaw and although the picture is 99% completed, until the final piece is in, I could never see it. It may as well have been in pieces and in the box.
I write the above because I am certain, I am absolutely certain that just as you wrote what I could have in your post, others could write what I have written. I know this because we are the same. We have the same addiction and head that wants us dead. Wants us to get back to the drink.
As I said, your post really resonated with me, wherever you are in the world, I write this on the same laptop I used when drinking and in very early recovery, I have changed and am changing. Keep on your sober path. I send you the very best wishes and implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the alcohol alone. It is NOT your friend. It never was and never will be. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by it and the voice in the your head saying 'this time will be different'.
Super proud of you and everyone else doing this insanely tough gig.
I dont write much on the site but your post resonated with me. I know I am not alone, my thoughts are the same as others when I say that you wrote out my feelings. You wrote out what has been in my head at times.
I too adore(d) alcohol. It was my world.
I too loved to vanish. Escape. Hit the reset button and leave the planet. I felt as though I had 'done my bit' for the day, I had been present long enough, 'put in'/'signed on' and made it through and my reward was getting to that happy place. The numb and escape. I looked forward to it so much.
I too never got 'done' for drink driving. To this day I am seriously lost as to how. I would make "intelligent" quips about how I had used my nine lives, your nine lives, my parent's nine lives, old mate down the streets nine lives... I dont know how many times I drove drunk but I would estimate to be in the hundreds. Baffling.
The searching for answers and confirmation or opposition to questions we really do know the answer to - just hate the admitting part. Delusion is so much easier and kinder. I bullsh*'d myself all the time. So many times. Even when I would accept the truth, it wouldnt ever last. It would be too painful. Too shameful.
The hard work was just too damn hard.
But you are on day 42 now. Thats massive. That to me is what I was always waiting for. - A decent milestone. "Now I could get into working hard at being sober. I had more than a week, a fortnight, a month..." The names for lengths of time I used to dream about attaining came one by one. They keep coming as well. In three days time it will be February and I will have a "whole" sober January for the first time in years. I have my one year coin and it is one day at a time.
Clarity continues to present itself to me on so many events and reasons as to why I drunk and it brings such peace and serenity. It staggers me that I continue this path and journey and answers to questions I did not even know I had to ask present themselves.
Even today, right now I feel like I have all my answers and I felt this way a week ago. But just two days ago, I had clarity as to why I went back to drinking in late 2017 - I had a lightbulb moment. Its as though I am doing a jigsaw and although the picture is 99% completed, until the final piece is in, I could never see it. It may as well have been in pieces and in the box.
I write the above because I am certain, I am absolutely certain that just as you wrote what I could have in your post, others could write what I have written. I know this because we are the same. We have the same addiction and head that wants us dead. Wants us to get back to the drink.
As I said, your post really resonated with me, wherever you are in the world, I write this on the same laptop I used when drinking and in very early recovery, I have changed and am changing. Keep on your sober path. I send you the very best wishes and implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the alcohol alone. It is NOT your friend. It never was and never will be. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by it and the voice in the your head saying 'this time will be different'.
Super proud of you and everyone else doing this insanely tough gig.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Kejun
hey secretchord,
I dont write much on the site but your post resonated with me. I know I am not alone, my thoughts are the same as others when I say that you wrote out my feelings. You wrote out what has been in my head at times.
I too adore(d) alcohol. It was my world.
I too loved to vanish. Escape. Hit the reset button and leave the planet. I felt as though I had 'done my bit' for the day, I had been present long enough, 'put in'/'signed on' and made it through and my reward was getting to that happy place. The numb and escape. I looked forward to it so much.
I too never got 'done' for drink driving. To this day I am seriously lost as to how. I would make "intelligent" quips about how I had used my nine lives, your nine lives, my parent's nine lives, old mate down the streets nine lives... I dont know how many times I drove drunk but I would estimate to be in the hundreds. Baffling.
The searching for answers and confirmation or opposition to questions we really do know the answer to - just hate the admitting part. Delusion is so much easier and kinder. I bullsh*'d myself all the time. So many times. Even when I would accept the truth, it wouldnt ever last. It would be too painful. Too shameful.
The hard work was just too damn hard.
But you are on day 42 now. Thats massive. That to me is what I was always waiting for. - A decent milestone. "Now I could get into working hard at being sober. I had more than a week, a fortnight, a month..." The names for lengths of time I used to dream about attaining came one by one. They keep coming as well. In three days time it will be February and I will have a "whole" sober January for the first time in years. I have my one year coin and it is one day at a time.
Clarity continues to present itself to me on so many events and reasons as to why I drunk and it brings such peace and serenity. It staggers me that I continue this path and journey and answers to questions I did not even know I had to ask present themselves.
Even today, right now I feel like I have all my answers and I felt this way a week ago. But just two days ago, I had clarity as to why I went back to drinking in late 2017 - I had a lightbulb moment. Its as though I am doing a jigsaw and although the picture is 99% completed, until the final piece is in, I could never see it. It may as well have been in pieces and in the box.
I write the above because I am certain, I am absolutely certain that just as you wrote what I could have in your post, others could write what I have written. I know this because we are the same. We have the same addiction and head that wants us dead. Wants us to get back to the drink.
As I said, your post really resonated with me, wherever you are in the world, I write this on the same laptop I used when drinking and in very early recovery, I have changed and am changing. Keep on your sober path. I send you the very best wishes and implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the alcohol alone. It is NOT your friend. It never was and never will be. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by it and the voice in the your head saying 'this time will be different'.
Super proud of you and everyone else doing this insanely tough gig.
I dont write much on the site but your post resonated with me. I know I am not alone, my thoughts are the same as others when I say that you wrote out my feelings. You wrote out what has been in my head at times.
I too adore(d) alcohol. It was my world.
I too loved to vanish. Escape. Hit the reset button and leave the planet. I felt as though I had 'done my bit' for the day, I had been present long enough, 'put in'/'signed on' and made it through and my reward was getting to that happy place. The numb and escape. I looked forward to it so much.
I too never got 'done' for drink driving. To this day I am seriously lost as to how. I would make "intelligent" quips about how I had used my nine lives, your nine lives, my parent's nine lives, old mate down the streets nine lives... I dont know how many times I drove drunk but I would estimate to be in the hundreds. Baffling.
The searching for answers and confirmation or opposition to questions we really do know the answer to - just hate the admitting part. Delusion is so much easier and kinder. I bullsh*'d myself all the time. So many times. Even when I would accept the truth, it wouldnt ever last. It would be too painful. Too shameful.
The hard work was just too damn hard.
But you are on day 42 now. Thats massive. That to me is what I was always waiting for. - A decent milestone. "Now I could get into working hard at being sober. I had more than a week, a fortnight, a month..." The names for lengths of time I used to dream about attaining came one by one. They keep coming as well. In three days time it will be February and I will have a "whole" sober January for the first time in years. I have my one year coin and it is one day at a time.
Clarity continues to present itself to me on so many events and reasons as to why I drunk and it brings such peace and serenity. It staggers me that I continue this path and journey and answers to questions I did not even know I had to ask present themselves.
Even today, right now I feel like I have all my answers and I felt this way a week ago. But just two days ago, I had clarity as to why I went back to drinking in late 2017 - I had a lightbulb moment. Its as though I am doing a jigsaw and although the picture is 99% completed, until the final piece is in, I could never see it. It may as well have been in pieces and in the box.
I write the above because I am certain, I am absolutely certain that just as you wrote what I could have in your post, others could write what I have written. I know this because we are the same. We have the same addiction and head that wants us dead. Wants us to get back to the drink.
As I said, your post really resonated with me, wherever you are in the world, I write this on the same laptop I used when drinking and in very early recovery, I have changed and am changing. Keep on your sober path. I send you the very best wishes and implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the alcohol alone. It is NOT your friend. It never was and never will be. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by it and the voice in the your head saying 'this time will be different'.
Super proud of you and everyone else doing this insanely tough gig.
I think are all the same here, living different versions of the same story.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm glad you're still with us SC- 41 days is great
Yeah, I would have declared to my dying breath that I loved getting drunk and high - but looking back I was deeply deeply unhappy.
The 'medicine' I was taking to alleviate that unhappiness (however briefly) was actually making my unhappiness worse - but I couldn't see that until I got out of the centre of the maelstrom and gained some perspective.
Stick with it SC - You're doing great!
D
Yeah, I would have declared to my dying breath that I loved getting drunk and high - but looking back I was deeply deeply unhappy.
The 'medicine' I was taking to alleviate that unhappiness (however briefly) was actually making my unhappiness worse - but I couldn't see that until I got out of the centre of the maelstrom and gained some perspective.
Stick with it SC - You're doing great!
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Come to think of it, I don't know how much I really LIKE alcohol as much as I have used it to avoid what was going on and what I had to get to in my life.
I wasn't even very fun, entertaining or interesting...even to drunk people. ESPECIALLY to drunk people.
I had a phase where I went to the local bar and I never felt like I fit in. I don't think anyone else thought I did, either.
I have been destroying myself over something I don't even like that much or am not even that "good" at.
I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with all that.
I wasn't even very fun, entertaining or interesting...even to drunk people. ESPECIALLY to drunk people.
I had a phase where I went to the local bar and I never felt like I fit in. I don't think anyone else thought I did, either.
I have been destroying myself over something I don't even like that much or am not even that "good" at.
I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with all that.
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