hey secretchord,
I dont write much on the site but your post resonated with me. I know I am not alone, my thoughts are the same as others when I say that you wrote out my feelings. You wrote out what has been in my head at times.
I too adore(d) alcohol. It was my world.
I too loved to vanish. Escape. Hit the reset button and leave the planet. I felt as though I had 'done my bit' for the day, I had been present long enough, 'put in'/'signed on' and made it through and my reward was getting to that happy place. The numb and escape. I looked forward to it so much.
I too never got 'done' for drink driving. To this day I am seriously lost as to how. I would make "intelligent" quips about how I had used my nine lives, your nine lives, my parent's nine lives, old mate down the streets nine lives... I dont know how many times I drove drunk but I would estimate to be in the hundreds. Baffling.
The searching for answers and confirmation or opposition to questions we really do know the answer to - just hate the admitting part. Delusion is so much easier and kinder. I bullsh*'d myself all the time. So many times. Even when I would accept the truth, it wouldnt ever last. It would be too painful. Too shameful.
The hard work was just too damn hard.
But you are on day 42 now. Thats massive. That to me is what I was always waiting for. - A decent milestone. "Now I could get into working hard at being sober. I had more than a week, a fortnight, a month..." The names for lengths of time I used to dream about attaining came one by one. They keep coming as well. In three days time it will be February and I will have a "whole" sober January for the first time in years. I have my one year coin and it is one day at a time.
Clarity continues to present itself to me on so many events and reasons as to why I drunk and it brings such peace and serenity. It staggers me that I continue this path and journey and answers to questions I did not even know I had to ask present themselves.
Even today, right now I feel like I have all my answers and I felt this way a week ago. But just two days ago, I had clarity as to why I went back to drinking in late 2017 - I had a lightbulb moment. Its as though I am doing a jigsaw and although the picture is 99% completed, until the final piece is in, I could never see it. It may as well have been in pieces and in the box.
I write the above because I am certain, I am absolutely certain that just as you wrote what I could have in your post, others could write what I have written. I know this because we are the same. We have the same addiction and head that wants us dead. Wants us to get back to the drink.
As I said, your post really resonated with me, wherever you are in the world, I write this on the same laptop I used when drinking and in very early recovery, I have changed and am changing. Keep on your sober path. I send you the very best wishes and implore you to do whatever it takes to leave the alcohol alone. It is NOT your friend. It never was and never will be. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by it and the voice in the your head saying 'this time will be different'.
Super proud of you and everyone else doing this insanely tough gig.