GS Accountability Thread
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I've seen this said here before — "you're not a bad person, just a sick person" — and it's accurate.
I've had esteem issues since childhood, really, and learning that I'm actually an okay person and worthy of good things has been one of the greater lessons of my sober time.
I think you probably are, too. Self-debasing thoughts are just your addiction trying to get its way.
I've had esteem issues since childhood, really, and learning that I'm actually an okay person and worthy of good things has been one of the greater lessons of my sober time.
I think you probably are, too. Self-debasing thoughts are just your addiction trying to get its way.
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Originally Posted by least 
Try practicing gratitude every day. 
Gratitude changed my attitude. It makes me feel blessed and it makes me happier too.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Gratitude changed my attitude. It makes me feel blessed and it makes me happier too. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50
I’m wondering if you have thought about your spirituality in this recovery journey? For me, it has really taken becoming less superficial and more spiritual and deeper. I had to redefine my values and find my identity as a sober person. Therapy has helped tremendously with this.
Stay connected here. You can expect to have ups and downs for a while. But it will get better so just keep moving forward. Never look back!
Stay connected here. You can expect to have ups and downs for a while. But it will get better so just keep moving forward. Never look back!
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Those are the worst days! It will pass, though. Tomorrow is a new day.
Sometimes we go through phases too, where every day is bad and it seems to just get worse. I had two periods in my life like that, they both lasted about four years. But when I think about it now, I realize how the alcohol made things seem worse because of how it depressed me. With the last phase, when my drinking was a lot worse, I made an already bad life situation worse by using alcohol as an escape.
I always try to remind myself of this quote now: when things go wrong, don’t go with them.”
Glad you are finding the silver lining. There is always one there if we look for it, even if it takes a while to find it
Sometimes we go through phases too, where every day is bad and it seems to just get worse. I had two periods in my life like that, they both lasted about four years. But when I think about it now, I realize how the alcohol made things seem worse because of how it depressed me. With the last phase, when my drinking was a lot worse, I made an already bad life situation worse by using alcohol as an escape.
I always try to remind myself of this quote now: when things go wrong, don’t go with them.”
Glad you are finding the silver lining. There is always one there if we look for it, even if it takes a while to find it
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50
when things go wrong, don’t go with them.”
Today was good. No problems. Just kept my head down, did what I needed to do, and kept it calm and steady.
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Another good day. Productive at work and had a chance to help someone out, which always helps me out too.
No thoughts of drinking, but my mind is getting carried away with anxious thoughts about the future. Need to stay in the moment; the anxiety won't help.
I've been having some insomnia and terrible nightmares. It's not withdrawals or anything (luckily, I'm not prone to that). Maybe just too much coffee? I don't know. I've got a lot going on. It helps to be busy, but in other ways I can feel it isn't good for me.
No thoughts of drinking, but my mind is getting carried away with anxious thoughts about the future. Need to stay in the moment; the anxiety won't help.
I've been having some insomnia and terrible nightmares. It's not withdrawals or anything (luckily, I'm not prone to that). Maybe just too much coffee? I don't know. I've got a lot going on. It helps to be busy, but in other ways I can feel it isn't good for me.
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When we help others, we are helping ourselves too
I have fears about the future too. So many! Someone said once that what we worry about has already happened. It seems to be true for me. I had two siblings die by suicide. I worry this could happen with my son. I was laid off from a job many years ago. I worry I could get laid off again. These are just a couple examples. There’s no I dictation these things will happen again. I don’t know that I’d worry about them if they hadn’t already happened. It’s interesting. So I just try to focus on one day at a time, what is going well each day and what I can do to be proactive with my circumstances.
Insomnia and nightmares are common in early sobriety. I can’t remember how many days sober you are. But it took several months for me to start sleeping better. Actually, I took prescription sleep meds up until about six months ago when I weaned off (I was a year and half sober at that time). I still have “drinking dreams” once every so often. It’s pretty rare now. But it happened a lot early on.
I overly busied myself in the beginning, took on too many special projects at work, too much going on at home, etc. My therapist suggested I slow down. I’m glad I did. I needed that time to focus on healing. I’m still driven but in less professional ways and more personally meaningful ways. I think part of this is due to my age too (in my early fifties) and just wanting to live my own life. I wish I had learned this when I was younger.
I have fears about the future too. So many! Someone said once that what we worry about has already happened. It seems to be true for me. I had two siblings die by suicide. I worry this could happen with my son. I was laid off from a job many years ago. I worry I could get laid off again. These are just a couple examples. There’s no I dictation these things will happen again. I don’t know that I’d worry about them if they hadn’t already happened. It’s interesting. So I just try to focus on one day at a time, what is going well each day and what I can do to be proactive with my circumstances.
Insomnia and nightmares are common in early sobriety. I can’t remember how many days sober you are. But it took several months for me to start sleeping better. Actually, I took prescription sleep meds up until about six months ago when I weaned off (I was a year and half sober at that time). I still have “drinking dreams” once every so often. It’s pretty rare now. But it happened a lot early on.
I overly busied myself in the beginning, took on too many special projects at work, too much going on at home, etc. My therapist suggested I slow down. I’m glad I did. I needed that time to focus on healing. I’m still driven but in less professional ways and more personally meaningful ways. I think part of this is due to my age too (in my early fifties) and just wanting to live my own life. I wish I had learned this when I was younger.
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Today I had my first craving since I decided to quit this time around (about 2 weeks ago). I knew it was coming, so when it came I didn't panic or anything. I had a calm feeling about it. I thought, "oh, there you are. What's up? I know you want a drink, but we don't drink anymore." Then it went away. I've been trying and trying and trying at sobriety. But weirdly, the moments I feel strongest are when I'm not white-knuckling it or fighting. Just being. I don't want to drink, not really. I feel patient right now; usually the first weeks are annoying and creep along. This time, they have whizzed by. I haven't tried anything new; I'm just pacing myself. Feels like I have endurance to run and not just sprint this time.
Last night, I sat in a chair and drank a glass of tea for 40 minutes. I listened to some music and watched the evening traffic below outside my apartment window. I sat there until the sun went down. I played some of my favorite songs, and then I started drifting into new voices and new sounds.
In sobriety there is a lot of down time. Being still feels uncomfortable, but good in a way. I used to be quiet when I was younger. I would enjoy times to reflect and observe the world around me.
It's hard to express myself on this site, and I sometimes think I make no sense or I sound too abstract. Frankly, it's very hard to put the feelings sobriety brings up into words. First of all, there are so many feelings flooding me all the time. Of happiness, of regret, of self-loathing, of anger, of boredom, and peace. Then there are new feelings, or feelings I haven't felt in a long time. People have often said to me on this site, "oh, the first weeks/months are an emotional rollercoaster. Don't worry; it gets easier!" That's probably true. But maybe there's something to experience or learn in these weeks too. It feels like I am straining to hear a very quiet voice whispering something I can't quite make out.
I would like to know what it feels like to be sober for 3 months, 6 months, a year, a decade, the rest of my life.
Last night, I sat in a chair and drank a glass of tea for 40 minutes. I listened to some music and watched the evening traffic below outside my apartment window. I sat there until the sun went down. I played some of my favorite songs, and then I started drifting into new voices and new sounds.
In sobriety there is a lot of down time. Being still feels uncomfortable, but good in a way. I used to be quiet when I was younger. I would enjoy times to reflect and observe the world around me.
It's hard to express myself on this site, and I sometimes think I make no sense or I sound too abstract. Frankly, it's very hard to put the feelings sobriety brings up into words. First of all, there are so many feelings flooding me all the time. Of happiness, of regret, of self-loathing, of anger, of boredom, and peace. Then there are new feelings, or feelings I haven't felt in a long time. People have often said to me on this site, "oh, the first weeks/months are an emotional rollercoaster. Don't worry; it gets easier!" That's probably true. But maybe there's something to experience or learn in these weeks too. It feels like I am straining to hear a very quiet voice whispering something I can't quite make out.
I would like to know what it feels like to be sober for 3 months, 6 months, a year, a decade, the rest of my life.
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Way to be mindful of the AV, GS! Nice work! I have concerns about that as well....
Not sure if you've checked out other threads, but feel free to join us in the One Year and Under Club if you'd like ~ we're grateful to have members with over a year sobriety to stop by and help us along. Maybe we'll see you there!
Not sure if you've checked out other threads, but feel free to join us in the One Year and Under Club if you'd like ~ we're grateful to have members with over a year sobriety to stop by and help us along. Maybe we'll see you there!
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Thanks, Purple! I'm sticking to myself a little bit more this time around. I've joined many groups in the past. While I enjoy the company and camaraderie and benefit so much from hearing everyone's thoughts, I think sometimes the group brings out a messed up side of me. I start to care too much what people think; I people please. I even get competitive, trying to prove I'm better than others. More than once, I've had my feelings hurt by something someone said. Usually it's just me overreacting. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. I'm trying out this accountability thread to try something new. I want to be a part of the SR group, but maybe it's best if I wait until I have a stronger foundation before I join up.
Edited to add: that sounds really self-centered. What I mean is that I'm doing more reading and listening on this site than active posting in a small group. I'm definitely still grateful for the community.
I'm putting myself in a bit of a time out for bad behavior, I guess.
Edited to add: that sounds really self-centered. What I mean is that I'm doing more reading and listening on this site than active posting in a small group. I'm definitely still grateful for the community.
I'm putting myself in a bit of a time out for bad behavior, I guess.
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Today I'm reflecting on the AA adage I always hear "You never have to have another drink." I'll admit that saying (or sayings like it) always confused me. To me it seemed counterintuitive because as a drinker who is addicted, I want another drink. The problem is I can't have one. But I'm starting to really feel comforted by the prospect of never drinking again. I think about all the things I lose--my health, my intelligence, my self-respect, my dignity... not to mention how dangerous and scary it becomes. What if I drink and drive? What if I embarrass myself and lose my job? Say something hurtful and unforgiveable to my husband? What if I hurt someone, emotionally or god forbid physically? What if the next time I drink, that's the final straw, and I never wake up again? I feel so much anxiety about those possibilities. Even when I have "normal" drinking days, every now and then, like clockwork, I have one day where things get out of control. One day here, another in two months, three months. I can't predict when the "bad" nights will be. Because the fact is, when I'm drinking, I'm constantly risking the worst. Any night I have even a single drink can become a bad night. But the idea that I never have to drink again means, with certainty, that none of those things will ever happen. If I don't want them to, they won't. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I have all of the control and the power over the situation. I'm so happy I finally understand the power my sobriety gives me.
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