GS Accountability Thread
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
Today I'm back on track. Managed to run, and then I went to the grocery store. I am terribly behind on work, but, well, it's just going to have wait; I have to tend to myself a bit. I just cooked a week's worth of meals. I never, ever do that. Usually I just grab food on the go and skip meals. It's not good.
I have food issues that fuel drinking. Grocery stores are scary places. The last few times I tried to get sober, I dreaded going to the grocery store for the obvious reason that it was a huge trigger to walk past the alcohol aisle. Sometimes I'd even go look at the booze, stand there for ten minutes, then leave. It always felt like a miserable test. It would feel like a miracle to get out of there without buying something. Sometimes I wouldn't make it.
I haven't been dreading the grocery store lately. In fact, I've been enjoying the grocery store. Sure, it's a little tough to walk past a display aisle of red wines on sale. But it's not like things were so great when I was buying alcohol every weekend. And let's be honest, I never bought the tasteful pinot noir on sale at a nice grocery store, did I? I would be in the back bargain aisle in walmart. I'd be sweating bullets, possibly already hung over or a little buzzed. My heart would be beating out of my chest because I'd feel so guilty and disgusting buying a cheap bottle of vodka or a giant wine box. I'd be nervous the entire time wondering if someone I knew would see me. What would I say to a colleague? Hi, I'm disgusting, my eyes are bloodshot, and I'm buying a box of wine on a Tuesday morning.
It's so embarrassing, but I would dress up to go to the grocery store. I guess I figured no one would bat an eye at how much booze I was buying if I looked like a put-together professional. Hair and makeup. In my head, I'd come up with a casual story if I ran into someone--I'm having a dinner party, so I need to buy these 800 bottles of wine, or I have to bring something to a friend's house--knowing full well no one would believe it.
Then there was the money. I'm lucky enough to be relatively well off, but no one can afford to drink alcoholically. I'd pray my husband wouldn't notice how expensive my grocery bills were. Sometimes I'd even put back actual food items justifying the cost of booze. If that's not crazy behavior, what is?
And finally, there would be a walk of shame to the front of the grocery store. Small talk with the cashier; needing to show my ID so embarrassingly early in the day; more hoping no one looked at me, noticed what I was doing. Then there was the walk out to the parking lot, always making sure to move the bottles to the back of the bag so they wouldn't be visible or clink together as I walked to my car. Under no circumstance, can someone know I am an alcoholic. Under no circumstance, can anyone know what I am really like. No one knows buyer's remorse like an alcoholic driving home with bottles of booze they know they shouldn't have bought. I hated every moment of it.
So...grocery stores are not a scary place when I'm sober. They were a scary place when I was drinking.
I have food issues that fuel drinking. Grocery stores are scary places. The last few times I tried to get sober, I dreaded going to the grocery store for the obvious reason that it was a huge trigger to walk past the alcohol aisle. Sometimes I'd even go look at the booze, stand there for ten minutes, then leave. It always felt like a miserable test. It would feel like a miracle to get out of there without buying something. Sometimes I wouldn't make it.
I haven't been dreading the grocery store lately. In fact, I've been enjoying the grocery store. Sure, it's a little tough to walk past a display aisle of red wines on sale. But it's not like things were so great when I was buying alcohol every weekend. And let's be honest, I never bought the tasteful pinot noir on sale at a nice grocery store, did I? I would be in the back bargain aisle in walmart. I'd be sweating bullets, possibly already hung over or a little buzzed. My heart would be beating out of my chest because I'd feel so guilty and disgusting buying a cheap bottle of vodka or a giant wine box. I'd be nervous the entire time wondering if someone I knew would see me. What would I say to a colleague? Hi, I'm disgusting, my eyes are bloodshot, and I'm buying a box of wine on a Tuesday morning.
It's so embarrassing, but I would dress up to go to the grocery store. I guess I figured no one would bat an eye at how much booze I was buying if I looked like a put-together professional. Hair and makeup. In my head, I'd come up with a casual story if I ran into someone--I'm having a dinner party, so I need to buy these 800 bottles of wine, or I have to bring something to a friend's house--knowing full well no one would believe it.
Then there was the money. I'm lucky enough to be relatively well off, but no one can afford to drink alcoholically. I'd pray my husband wouldn't notice how expensive my grocery bills were. Sometimes I'd even put back actual food items justifying the cost of booze. If that's not crazy behavior, what is?
And finally, there would be a walk of shame to the front of the grocery store. Small talk with the cashier; needing to show my ID so embarrassingly early in the day; more hoping no one looked at me, noticed what I was doing. Then there was the walk out to the parking lot, always making sure to move the bottles to the back of the bag so they wouldn't be visible or clink together as I walked to my car. Under no circumstance, can someone know I am an alcoholic. Under no circumstance, can anyone know what I am really like. No one knows buyer's remorse like an alcoholic driving home with bottles of booze they know they shouldn't have bought. I hated every moment of it.
So...grocery stores are not a scary place when I'm sober. They were a scary place when I was drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,875
I can remember thinking I'd better shop at different stores, 'cause I was starting to feel paranoid about what the cashiers may be thinking....bottles of wine night after night....just thinking about it is exhausting!
Hope you're doing okay today GS
Hope you're doing okay today GS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
Today I have one month
I feel pretty good, and this time went very quickly. I remember last year when I got my first month I was so excited. I'm not as excited this time just because I'm so afraid of relapsing, and I don't want to get over-confident. But I really have no desire to drink. I haven't worried about cravings and how to handle social situations like I did in previous times. I just don't drink. I'm focused on living my sober life rather than the not drinking itself, if that makes sense. I see and feel the positives this time, not what I'm losing or being deprived. This time I also feel less invested in counting the days. I'm excited to have reached a month, obviously. But mostly I am just so excited that I get to be sober today, whatever day it is. So that's my quick update for now.
I feel pretty good, and this time went very quickly. I remember last year when I got my first month I was so excited. I'm not as excited this time just because I'm so afraid of relapsing, and I don't want to get over-confident. But I really have no desire to drink. I haven't worried about cravings and how to handle social situations like I did in previous times. I just don't drink. I'm focused on living my sober life rather than the not drinking itself, if that makes sense. I see and feel the positives this time, not what I'm losing or being deprived. This time I also feel less invested in counting the days. I'm excited to have reached a month, obviously. But mostly I am just so excited that I get to be sober today, whatever day it is. So that's my quick update for now.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
Have not been good at checking into SR, but I'm doing well out in the real world. Not thinking much about drinking. Occasional "what if I had a drink" moments here and there, not even really cravings. Sometimes I still struggle with thinking about future events and how I'll be able to get through them sober. But I've been able to just focus on the whole "one day at a time" thing. It helps when the days are getting better and better.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by GreenSweater 
But I've been able to just focus on the whole "one day at a time" thing. It helps when the days are getting better and better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Sweater Weather, USA
Posts: 199
49 days today. I am getting really bad at posting here, but I'm committed to staying sober. That said, I feel the AV creeping back in, telling me maybe I don't really have a problem. Maybe I can moderate and drink socially again. I hate these temptations, but I am getting better at fighting the voices. I have tried that route again and again and again. In the long run, it is so much simpler and happier to just skip the drink.
Here's to strength and hope. I can do this.
Edited to add: I am working on some spiritual practices, which is a strange thing for me to say, since that's not really something I have done in the past. When I want a drink, I am thinking about my soul and what it needs...I don't even really know what I mean by "soul" here; it's a very new thing for me.
Here's to strength and hope. I can do this.
Edited to add: I am working on some spiritual practices, which is a strange thing for me to say, since that's not really something I have done in the past. When I want a drink, I am thinking about my soul and what it needs...I don't even really know what I mean by "soul" here; it's a very new thing for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,875
Way to be mindful GS! I get those thoughts often too....it's great that you recognize that....I also have been practicing spiritual exercises, doing guided meditation which has been really helpful. Congrats on 49 days! 
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