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Advice Please

Old 06-25-2018, 08:05 PM
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Advice Please

Hi I'm here for advice and support, as well as to offer support to the best of my ability. I have a deep passion for anyone struggling with addiction and recovery. Firstly, I need some advice on my current situation. Since I am new here, please inform me if I am in the wrong place for my specific problem or anything else I need to know about posting (I did read the regs).

I have an addictive personality and easily become addicted to narcotics. I have never over-dosed or been in the ER for drug use issues. I have been in inpatient treatment at least 4 or 5 times for opioid addiction. I am currently opioid-free.

Now for my current problem. For the past 2 months, I have been taking Alprazolam. On average, I took 2mg daily. Occasionally I took 3mg, but never more. For the last week, I did a quick taper and took my last dose of 25mg this morning.

I've spent hours reading about xanax and the picture isn't pretty. At all. I can deal with anxiety and insomnia, as I've had a lot of therapy, CBT, and DBT. My biggest concern is what I've read about seizures from xanax withdrawal.

This is the second time I've abused xanax. The first time was a few months ago and I had abused it for 3 months, again never exceeding 3mg per 24 hour period. I told my psychiatrist and he tapered me over a 2 week period with klonopin. About 4 to 6 weeks later, I began taking xanax again. Stupid, I know. I never wanted to touch it ever again, but being the addict that I am, I thought I could control my usage. I didn't even realize what I was doing to myself, that several weeks had passed and I was still using it. I had a bottle of 100 1mg tabs prescribed for my dog and saw fit to help myself to them. I'm ashamed of myself and don't want to tell my psych because he has been a great doctor and I have high regard for him. I will also have to find alternative medication for my dog.

So I'm trying to detox myself at home and not tell my psych about it so he won't lose respect for me. I could not handle that.

I guess my question is, does anyone know if my short taper is good enough, in general, to avoid seizures? I have never had a seizure and don't seem prone to them. I am 59 years old. Yeah I know, I should grow up already and stop causing harm to myself. I self-medicate due to ptsd from childhood trauma, as well as from being in the military, and other things.

I'm not asking anyone to judge whether or not I will have a seizure. That would be unrealistic. Rather, has anyone had similar experiences to mine, and gone pretty much CT? What did you experience? What were your symptoms and how long did they last? Did you have seizures? What helped you manage your symptoms? I have a good stock of supplements, such as Valerian root, CBD oil, GABA, to name a few. I also have phenibut, and after hours of reading about it, don't have a desire to take it.

I've read a lot on the benzo boards, and perhaps that's where I should be. But from what I can tell, the members have used way more than I did and for way longer time. Their stories are so scary that I become panicked and discouraged.

Any help, suggestions, advice is very welcome. Just please don't judge me or tell me how stupid I am. I already know.

Thank you for reading this. I look forward to replies.
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Old 06-25-2018, 08:57 PM
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Welcome AllorNothing. There is a wealth of information on this site. I have no experience with this. My concern is that you are hiding this from your psych. How can he/she treat you properly if you do not disclose? This would also be a good person to advise you on detox. Your psych is not a friend who will lose respect for you. Your psych is your doctor who needs to know exactly what you are doing to effectively treat you. This is like altering your blood tests so your doctor thinks you have been eating as he advised. Hopefully my bumping your thread puts you in touch with people who have more information about this drug. Good luck!
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Old 06-25-2018, 08:59 PM
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Hi there. Welcome.

You are right, no one can tell you if/when you could have a seizure. Everyone's seizure threshold if different. If depends on how much/how long you have used a benzo and your unique brain wiring. Some seizures go unnoticed even....some are small...some are big. Some are short; others long. It's really best to be tapered with medical assistance...if not your psych Dr., then another physician. Even then...it's not guaranteed you won't have a seizure. Klonipin is a benzo too....so I don't know what the answer is here.

Now: will your psych. Dr. really lose respect for you if you go to him/her and ask for help with this? I really don't think it's a question of respect per se. Most of them want to help....bottom line.....and they do RESPECT honesty even if it's an honest confession on your part. Something to keep in mind. I hope this helps with your all or nothing mindset. Maybe it's time to toss that mindset to the wind and realize that it's not all or nothing when weaning off benzos.
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Old 06-25-2018, 09:13 PM
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All Or Nothing

Maybe the greater and deeper issue for you is the "all or nothing" deal.
I'm not knocking you at all. I respect people who give their "all". I really, really do. In a world of mediocrity, there seem to be fewer and fewer people who really know what it is to give their all.

"All" is one thing.

"Nothing" is a different matter. Just something to think about.

Yesterday, my hubs went 50+ miles an hour down a windy hill full of blind corners on his bicycle. Say what?! Yep. All or nothing. Never mind that he could have easily wound up wrapped around a tree. But he don't see it that way. I really don't get it. He literally threw caution to the wind. So, I told him today I didn't like the idea...and you know what he said? "Oh I've really slowed it down from how fast I used to go a few years ago." Oh, really??????? Okay, maybe it's a guy thing. I don't know.

Then again, he can't understand how I could do my music for 3-6 hours at a time......see what I'm getting at here. There are some things we give our all in and that's our thing....but there are times to be cautious....and it sounds like you are concerned about seizures and rightly so......some people are never going to understand why we would give our "all" to certain things......it's not for them to figure that part of us out. The problem arises when what we are doing is actually causing us harm and/or interfering in a good balanced life.
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Old 06-25-2018, 09:55 PM
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Hi. I bought 50 1mg xanax tablets when I went to a foreign country and took them all over a 10 day period combined with alcohol. Prior to that I haven't used xanax ot any other drug (except alcohol) for 2 years. When my 10 day binge ended and I had run out of tablets I experienced the most hideous withdrawls. I couldn't sleep and for 2 nights I experienced hallucinations and hearing things. I didn't even realise I may experience seizures until in the middle of the night, terrified with what was happening to me I started googling xanax withdrawls. Luckily I didn't have one but it took me about 10 days to start feeling ok again.
I would recommend medical advice .
Good luck.
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Old 06-25-2018, 10:02 PM
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P.s. you aren't going to be judged. We are all addicts or alcoholics here and we have all done stupid things. I know I have many times. But you will find hope here. I am 9 weeks sober now and full of hope when 9 weeks ago I was a mess, wasn't sure if I would live or die and felt totally hopeless.
Go see your doctor. Do this properly. Get a programme and get well. You are worth it.
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Old 06-25-2018, 10:10 PM
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I've actually struggled with the "all or nothing" type thing too. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I also tend to be intense. Any place I've ever worked I've ended up in the most intense area(s). I don't think I do this on purpose.....but why oh why do I have this tendency? I'm still learning.....

Take music for instance. There was a time when I was VERY busy with gigs....busier than I bargained for. Not doing that so much anymore because it got to be too much....BUT just last night I had a dream that felt very real and I was getting ready for a performance....I felt that same sense of "pressure" to make it outstanding.....from making sure the instruments were tuned perfectly to warming up the vocals....to putting on the perfect outfit and looking my best for the performance....when I got to the venue I found that I forgot my velvet shirt I had picked out......Yikes!! So I had to find a different shirt at the last minute....and that's when I woke up................................................ ..........This all or nothing I think is buried so deep in my psyche I still have these performance dreams....I still have dreams about my last workplace and I haven't worked there in 8 years....what does that tell you?
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