jjwinters

I've been dating someone for almost half a year. We're in our mid 30's and have a pretty incredible connection at times. We've openly talked about getting married and often have an amazing time with each other.

As our dating progressed, I began to notice that she "had" to drink. It seemed pretty harmless at first. We'd go to one bar and she'd have a couple of drinks, and then she'd want to go to another bar and continue drinking. Eventually, it turned into that plus having to buy a bottle of wine on the way home. I am not the type to tell someone what to do so I refrained from saying anything for a while.

Until one night, we went out to a pretty casual dinner in a very public area with a lot of people around. She got hammered and became belligerent. She started acting aggressive and overly sexual towards me in public; like trying to grab my business while families with children would walk by. I safely got her home and she blacked out on the sofa. In the middle of the night, I heard her get up to go to the bathroom and she just fell like a bag of bricks on the floor. I picked her up and put her to bed. The next morning I finally expressed concern over her drinking and she got extremely defensive. Started saying that it was stressful for her to be in a relationship, she was super tired with work, etc. She started blaming me for not helping her out enough with her things - like taking her dog out in the morning. We both have dogs. So, I started actively helping her out as much as possible. Watching (and training) her dog while she was out at work, helping her out with her projects, making her breakfast/dinner, the works...

The drinking did not stop. When she's not drinking, we almost never argue and have a really fun, positive, time. After 3 or so drinks, her personality does a complete 180. It's just constant drama, anger, total irrational over reactions to mundane things. As soon as that happens, she experiences some kind of amnesia where she forgets about everything I do to help her. I also make a really strong effort to maintain a romantic relationship. We go out on dates probably 3-4 times a week.

Last night, we went out to dinner and she had a couple of glasses of wine. On the way home, she made us stop at 7/11 and bought another bottle. She drank the entire bottle and was almost blackout drunk. Instead of being affectionate, I just sort of handled the tasks of putting everything away and getting her to sleep as I didn't want to normalize this behavior. In the morning, I told her that it seems like she needs to drink and and can't control herself when she does. She started cursing me off and saying I wasn't loving, that she was tired, started crying... I didn't budge, as I've seen her use this tactic before to try to get me to feel bad for her and rationalize the drinking. I told her I understood all the stresses she was going through and I had done everything I possibly could to help her. I left her place and haven't talked since.

Sorry, I know this is a bit long-winded. I sort of tried the tough-love approach because trying to accommodate her seemed to only make things worse. She continues to drink every night and I barely have time to take care of my own responsibilities because I'm tending to hers. I feel as though I'm probably going to have to break up with her as it's taking too much of a physical and mental toll on me. It just feels like such an incredible shame. I also don't want to abandon someone that needs help...

SparkleKitty

Sadly, it sounds like the only person who has a problem with her drinking is you.

All the help in the world will not make a difference to someone in denial of their own problem.

Take care of yourself. She has every right to live her life however she sees fit. And so do you. But you may not be able to do that together and find happiness.

suki44883

The kind of help she needs, you cannot give. We all had to learn that we are not powerful enough to help someone who doesn't want help.

From what you wrote, you are running around doing everything for her, in addition to your own responsibilities, and she gets to just sit back and drink herself stupid. Is that really how you want to live your life?

Six months is a drop in the bucket. It is easier to move on now, than to stay and go through this, and worse (alcoholism is progressive) for years.

We have a great Friends and Family forum you might want to look at. You will recognize a lot of what others are going through and have gone through. I'm glad you found us. This place has awesome support!

biminiblue

As far as abandoning someone who needs help: Print out a list of rehabs, AA meetings and local hospitals and give it to her when you talk to her.

She has a phone, right? If/when she wants help, she will have to get it herself - regardless of your goodwill and desire to help. This is 100% up to her.

By you helping her now the way you have been, you've actually been giving her a soft place to land when she drinks. The best chance for recovery for her is for you to let go and she will have to face the consequences of her own actions.

Be prepared for screaming and crying. Walk away anyway. It's the kindest thing you can do for both of you.

tomsteve

as tough as it may be, you may want to think of a few things:
-its been 6 months. that is a VERY short time for a relationship to learn anything about the other person.
- its been 6 months- a very short time and you could be doing yourself a huge favor by walking away. there are many people here that didnt pay attention to the red flags and stayed in the relationship- me included- and went through a lot more gloom,dispair, and agony.

Berrybean

Sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us.

The trouble with active alcoholics is they see alcohol as the solution to every problem, and can't see that it's actually the cause of many of them.

Walking away AA you have done may not bring her to her senses. It sound like she is still at the stage where the world will be the problem and alcohol her supposed solution for a while yet. BUT, walking away will mean that you can reclaim your life, and have more chance of happiness and a serene life.

I'd def suggest checking out the friends and family area if you haven't done so yet. Lots of great suggestions in there from folk with experience and wisdom.

BB

least

You say you don't want to walk away from someone who needs help. But she has to want help or nothing you do or say will make any difference. I'd suggest you make a clean break and make a better life for yourself. She is not willing to stop drinking, which means drinking is a higher priority for her than you are.

jjwinters

Thank you for your responses. You're all better able to articulate the feelings I've been having surrounding this. I've been in denial for some time that she was maybe just someone who enjoys a few glasses of wine. But it's clearly a lot more than that and the behavior associated with her drinking is toxic. And it doesn't sound like it gets better from other people's experiences, which is frankly terrifying.

It's my first time ever being in a relationship with someone that has a substance abuse issue. It's so unbelievably frustrating because as one poster pointed out, the drinking is the overwhelming cause of all our problems. Her two main complaints are that she's tired all the time and I'm not as over the moon as I was when we first started dating. I'm incredibly loving and romantic when she's kind to me. But I'm human. If someone disrespects me and treats me like garbage after a night of drinking, I'm not exactly going to surprise them with a spa day the next morning.

I've also noticed her addictive thinking manifests in other problematic ways. She had a girl staying at her place while we were out of town. I'd met her for the first time when we got back and could sense there was some tension from her friend towards me. I asked my girlfriend about it and she said the girl had "made a move" on her some years ago but she did not reciprocate and said she was not interested in women. Any way, this girl stayed at her place another week or so. My girlfriend stood me up several times to go out with her when we had plans to meet. They were often out drinking. Her friend finally left and I let her know I was not comfortable with her staying there any more. This friend on a weekly basis kept asking her to go out for drinks at which point I asked what had actually transpired between them. Almost a month later, she finally tells me they kissed. Naturally, I was pretty livid. She said it was non-issue because she's straight. I'm not sure this has anything to do with drinking but it's the same sort of rationalizing behavior that is obviously inappropriate. She should have never had someone pursuing her stay in her apartment, let alone stand me up to go out with them. She has lost her temper over my dog sitter giving me too many updates while we were out of town, just to compare. I had flown out with her from California to Oklahoma for her grandfather's funeral. I was there for everything and helped her family with every step of the funeral. She got drunk and told me she wished I had not been there. And then apologized... Then questions if I love her or not?

I did see the family and friends forum but it recommended I post here first. Will be sure to post there from now on.

tekink

run while you can. 6 months is nothing.

Berrybean

Post here as well whenever you like. Everyone is welcome here. Just that When I arrived it took me a while to realise there were all those subforums (but then, my head was probably more muzzy than yours is lol). They have sticky posts on there that can be really helpful to folk in your position, so I wanted to make sure you knew it was there.

BB

AAPJ

My knowledge of the situation is very limited since everything I know is from a few posts on an internet forum, so please feel free to discount or completely ignore my suggestion. That said the folks here collectively know in great detail how addiction to alcohol and/or drugs works. We do have an inside track so to speak. All that said here's my 2 cents.

Leaving the relationship is probably the right thing to do but also the most difficult in the short run.

Marcutah1

JJWinters, I was in your position a long time ago. I was head over heels for this girl. I did see the sign on our first but I thought it was just to cover up the jitters. We reallly liked each other. Fast forward 9 months later and I had to get out with my sanity and self esteem. Last I heard about her a few weeks later, she had put her brand new car in the ditch just like we had talked about. I left someone I really cared about but I had a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made even to this date. But it was the best decision I made because I was being dragged down with her. A couple of years later I met another girl whom I was doubly crazy about. We just celebrated 22 years of marriage. I am here because I became alcoholic husband. Go figure.

Forward12

Run like a 5k my friend.

jjwinters

I'm sorry to hear that, Marcutah1. I wish you the best with your sobriety. I imagine I too, will find it difficult parting with her years down the road. I'm just not someone who's compatible with most people so it's incredibly hard to let go. If she even showed some willingness to get better, that would be mean a lot but she's shown none.

I've had the same discussions with my girlfriend about wrecking her car or even getting sexually assaulted while out with other people. She's driven to my place pretty intoxicated a few times, backing up into my carport wall and almost hitting my car. And every time she's out with her friends drinking, I worry she's going to get drunk to the point that some bad dude will take advantage of her.

suki44883

Those are all possibilities, for sure. Also, driving drunk could cause her to injure or kill someone else. It's not just her you should be concerned with. However, if she, herself, isn't concerned, there really isn't much you can do about it.

Have you considered Al Anon meetings for yourself? Having some face-to-face support can be invaluable.

tekink

People who like to drink like to drink. I've known people who like to drink or smoke pot and have to hide it from their SO. It typically ends in this place.

For a lot of people starting the night with a drink, going someplace else for some more and then going home to get toasted is standard operating procedure.

If this is what the person wants to do and has no desire to stop this is what the person is going to do.

If the alcoholic doesn't want to stop they wont, eventually they'll pull away and hide it. It's just the natural progression of this kind of thing. We know because we where there. I went down my road to oblivion with a girl who knew how much I drank and would drink with me (though not to the same excess). I never had to stop and get more booze for home because I was sure to take care of that before I left for the day.

jjwinters

Oh, I am absolutely concerned with her hurting or possibly killing someone driving drunk. It's just such a horrific thought, it's hard to put in writing. She takes Ubers most of the time but even one time driving drunk is unacceptable. And it's certainly been more than that.

The first I ever heard of Al Anon meetings was today, after signing up to this forum. I guess whether I go or not would obviously depend on if I stay with her. Judging by everyone else's experiences, it sounds like I am just prolonging the inevitable.

DontRemember

I spent 13-15yrs with my toxic exAgf and started to 'suck it up and deal with it' by increasing my own alcohol intake,since her day-day life was the bar scene. I lost my true self to the madness of both her and the booze. I became co-dependent to her co-dependance. Really twisted looking back now with 18'ish months sober and leading a drame free,for the most part, lifestyle again. It took me getting sober to realize what the hell was going on and had been going on for years. I'd get out now if I were you. She admitted to the 'friend' kiss, so I'd be worried about what you've NOT been told with her drinking antics. My ex was blackout drunk towards the end one night trying to pick an argument,so I calmly brought up her cheating past and she told me "I've cheated on you way more than that." I left and got an 'apology' text the next morning saying she didn't mean it,blah,blah..Yeah..right! I ended it soon after to find out a few months later that there was definatly an overlaping relationship with her current guy. He's already fed up with her drinking crap too,but signed into a lease he can't afford on his own.

resolute50

Hate to say it. But, I've known quite a few like the woman you are describing. Sadly ,many are are not walking this planet anymore. The ones that are got help.
I pray she will see the light. And not take the wide path that so many take.
Beware my friend, she will drag you down with her.

Gottalife

I doubt if I would be here today if I hadn't had people like you in my life with the courage to do the right thing. There were a few who tried to help in the way you first did, and they onlysucceded in making me worse.

It was painful at the time, when my friends walked away, but they definitelt helped me to see the problem. It was about three months after my last friend went, that I was ready to get help.