Notices

My girlfriend cannot admit she has a problem with alcohol

Old 06-09-2018, 06:35 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lizajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Al anon helped me tremendously with my husband when his alcoholism really progressed. An active alcoholic is NOT able to have a healthy relationship. It really is impossible. You are not married and have no children. Reading my words here probably will not convince you, but attending some meetings will help you understand why it is impossible for her to have the relationship with you that you want. She will actually have less chance of accepting she has a problem if you remain in the picture. Leaving her is more helpful than staying in this relationship. Whether you know it or not, you are enabling her to be an alcoholic each time you help her to bed, get her safely home, help her do things because she is tired...she needs to face the consequences of her drinking. One of those consequences is not having you as her boyfriend because she is not being a lovable and dependable partner invested in growing a relationship. No matter how much she wants that, she won't succeed until she gets her drinking under control.
Lizajane is offline  
Old 06-09-2018, 10:05 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissPerfumado's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Some parts of what you wrote about your girlfriend... that could have been written about me when I was in my mid-30s. I was also usually a responsible, fun, happy, positive person. But I could be very unpredictable with a few drinks in me. For some reason, if I happened to get nasty or aggressive when drinking, the main target would be anyone I was romantically involved with at the time.

The difference is I usually had relationships with men who were damaged themselves, so there was a kind of horrific muddling through with lots of fights and drama along the way. I didn't date anyone like you, no-one who would be so kind, loving and thoughtful as to walk my dog and make me breakfast and dinner!

In my mid to late 30s I ended up single. I had a demanding stressful job and devoted my energy to that. I would drink every night alone after work or with friends like that friend of your gf's you've described - who would be happy to bar-hop on a weekday night with me. I put myself in some risky situations with men, and was promiscuous to a degree.

I was not happy. But I was in extreme denial. No-one had ever really called me out on my drinking. No-one had told me to my face that I had a serious problem with drinking - not a boyfriend, nor a boss nor a colleague nor a family member.

I pretended that my drinking didn't have consequences. I ignored that I had likely lost promotions, that it had probably cost me some good friends and promising relationships. I carried on for several more years until I was starting to get sick and failing to function properly at my job. Then I couldn't deny it anymore and finally got sober.

The reason I'm telling you this is that if you have ONE hope of helping this lady, it is not to stick around and be a co-victim of her disease. It is to leave her with no doubt that her drinking has cost her something dear.

Tell her clearly and in no uncertain terms that you are leaving because she has a problem with drinking. That everything else in the relationship was great but you would not put up with her drinking. Leave her nowhere to turn so she knows it is her drinking that is the cause of losing you. And tell her if she doesn't get help it will get worse.

Then leave. Leave, leave, leave. Leave and pray that somewhere in her mind she understands that she screwed up and it was due to her drinking.

I can't say that would have made a difference to me when I was lost in my alcoholism, but on those sad, sorry days when I did wonder if I should stop drinking, it might have led me to recovery sooner to know I'd lost a wonderful man and a happy relationship because of it.
MissPerfumado is offline  
Old 06-09-2018, 10:49 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
The situation sounds familiar, but I was the drinker in denial.

I was "happy" with my lifestyle. I had a gorgeous girl who looked after me, and I had all the booze in the world to drink.

What more did I need?

Did I notice the irrational behaviour? the anger issues,? the broken furniture,? the constant yelling? the constant crying from her side? Nope ofcourse not, I was a man and I deserved to have a drink after my hard day and that's all I saw, infact in my alcoholic logic she was the irrational moody one.

She tried to stop me, and it worked at times but her impatience, threats and lessons got me to drink even more.

I only stopped when I lost it all and it finally clicked in my head.

Also, An alcoholic wants to be looked after so he /she can drink even more, and then get defensive once you threaten to take the booze away. Unfortunately your not helping her by helping. The alcoholic inside her and all of us is feeding of your care.
Renvate is offline  
Old 06-09-2018, 11:15 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
goodbyeevan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 700
God, I'm so grateful my bf stayed with me throughout my alcoholism. Your post brought back feelings of shame from the person I was drinking, very similar to your gf. Granted he abused alcohol as well, but he didn't turn into a monster like me. It's very hard to see when you're in the midst of the storm. You see yourself, your needs, everyone's inability to meet your needs. You see depression and sadness and inability to cope with life. It's hard. I feel for her and you. No-one chooses to be an alcoholic. No-one wakes up with that goal in mind. I hope she gets help. Not saying you should be the one to stay with her through it. Im just glad my bf stuck with me for 6 years of my madness.
goodbyeevan is offline  
Old 06-09-2018, 11:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Even if you don't stay with here, you'll be left dealing with the emotional wreckage of the experience and AlAnon can help you sift through that ****, find the nuggets of precious wisdom to be gleaned from it, and let go of the rest without feeling bad about it.

They have a 12-step program of their own as well, which is pretty amazing for personal discovery and growth. It is great for thinking through personal boundaries and how to set them and stick to them. All good tools for future relationships. Anyway, might be worth checking out the meetings in your local area and then judging if they're helpful or not.

Take care. I hope you're finding clarity and some peace over your decision.

BB
Berrybean is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 12:00 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'll say too,as you can tell, we've(some here) been on both sides of this 'thing'. Your best bet is to look out for yourself when dealing with a person caught up in addiction. Sure it's nice to do 'the right thing', but there is no right thing except looking after yourself here. Same goes for her..It's her(them,us) decision. You staying/going has very little bearing with an active addict.
DontRemember is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 12:04 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'll say too,as you can tell, we've(some here) been on both sides of this 'thing'. Your best bet is to look out for yourself when dealing with a person caught up in addiction. Sure it's nice to do 'the right thing', but there is no right thing except looking after yourself here. Same goes for her..It's her(them,us) decision. You staying/going has very little bearing with an active addict(no matter the 'sales pitch' given from either side).
DontRemember is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 05:30 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Guest
 
bringmeback7693's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 128
Hey jjwinters. You came to the right place. So glad you posted here.

I was A LOT like your girlfriend before I stopped drinking. My boyfriend essentially threatened to leave the relationship and so I sought out help.

The thing with addicts and alcoholics is that THEY are the only ones who can stop the behavior. You definitely don't want to accommodate or make the behavior more likely to happen, but the "tough love" approach won't necessarily help either.

My suggestion would be to gently tell your girlfriend that you are worried about her and the success of the relationship if she continues to drink. She may become extremely defensive- prepare for this. Tell her that you are not sure if you are able to continue the relationship if she drinks.

If she continues to drink and does not stop, tell her that you will only go on dates with her that do not involve alcohol. Again, this may not work, as she may try to get that bottle of wine on the way home, or show up to dates drunk.

I would also refer your girlfriend to this site to see that there are MANY more like her, and there is a way out.

At the end of the day, this is all you can do. SHE has to decide that it's what she wants. If she decides that her drinking is more important than the relationship, you guys may end up breaking up.

I know this is really hard to hear, but it is inevitable. Either she will stop drinking, you guys will break up, or you will continue to suffer in an unhappy relationship and it will take a toll on your own emotional health and you will come to resent her.

This same pattern happened with my parents, me and my boyfriend, and COUNTLESS other alcoholics.

I wish you the best of luck. I know that isn't easy to hear, but if she isn't willing to give up drinking, the relationship may have to end.
bringmeback7693 is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 05:31 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Guest
 
bringmeback7693's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 128
Let me follow up by saying that it might be helpful for YOU to go to an al-anon meeting, to get some support from other who are dealing with a family member or loved one with addiction. If you can't get her to go to AA, you can get support, and gain insight from there.
bringmeback7693 is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 05:33 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Guest
 
bringmeback7693's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 128
Again I'll relay my own experience. I had MANY boyfriends that expressed concern about my drinking. I got defensive and angry. The relationship usually ended. When my current boyfriend threatened to leave, it was the straw the broke the camel's back and I finally went to AA. And I'm SO HAPPY I did. Our relationship is 100000x better, I'm so much happier. Your girlfriend and you can have this happiness too. But only if she is willing to get help. AA is not the only way, there is also SMART recovery, addiction counselors, etc. Like I said, many of my previous relationships ended in part to alcohol. So she may or may not get help. Be willing to accept that and end the relationship. Sorry for the tough love. Just trying to save you a lot of pain and heartbreak ahead of time.
bringmeback7693 is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 10:25 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
It's been both shocking and enlightening to read everyone's experiences on both sides of this. Shocking, because of how similar it always seems to be. Especially, the distorted thinking and lack of self awareness. She always assumes the worst and will make up problems that don't exist, I believe, as an excuse to always drink. And she doesn't have enough self-awareness to see that.

I have accepted that I can't continue to date her as long as she's an active alcoholic. And it's good to hear that I shouldn't be helping her AT ALL when it comes to any aftermath from drinking. I told her I would instantly leave the situation, wherever it may be, if she were drunk.

I spoke with her for a while on the phone yesterday after reading your responses. She reached out and apologized and asked what she could do. I made it clear I have a right to protect myself and to not be subjected to that behavior. She asked if I wanted her to quit drinking. I told that her it had to be her own decision as I also didn't want that being weaponized into resentment against me. But I did tell her if she did drink and couldn't control herself, I would leave and there would be no hesitation.

She did seem to realize that most of our problems and bad episodes stem from her drinking. She was stubborn in realizing why I had to keep distancing myself on a recurring bases. It was due, every single time, to a bad episode of drinking. I also drew a red line at driving under the influence, getting wasted while out with friends etc.

She thinks she can handle a couple of drinks and can stop. I'm sure that just sends red flags up to everyone in the forum. I had the same reaction. I have to let her fail though. I will likely attend an Al Anon meeting in the coming week or so. I already looked up a few in my area.

Last edited by jjwinters; 06-10-2018 at 10:29 AM. Reason: typo
jjwinters is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 10:48 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by goodbyeevan View Post
You see yourself, your needs, everyone's inability to meet your needs. You see depression and sadness and inability to cope with life.
This is my girlfriend to a T.
jjwinters is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 10:56 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,726
Please take what she is saying now with a grain of salt. Words mean absolutely nothing. She will say anything to keep the status quo. You have stated your concerns and she knows, so now, just watch. Watch her actions. More will be revealed.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 11:00 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you are very self-aware. Don't be surprised if her drinking causes a big problem that she comes to you to solve in the very near future.

Can you see how you have set yourself up as her Corrections Officer and Counselor? You're really in way over your head with Addictions Counselor; that's a specialized field, and even then with all the training, the outcome is very rarely sobriety. I've tried to play counselor. I was in way over my head, and it ended in a lost two years of my life. Never again.

Those roles are not a comfortable place to be - and don't work well in romantic relationships. It should be two healthy people standing on their own two feet - otherwise there is going to be resentment on both sides.

Good luck. Stand by your boundaries, no matter what.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 12:42 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Can you see how you have set yourself up as her Corrections Officer and Counselor? You're really in way over your head with Addictions Counselor; that's a specialized field, and even then with all the training, the outcome is very rarely sobriety. I've tried to play counselor. I was in way over my head, and it ended in a lost two years of my life. Never again.
Absolutely. That's what I plan on addressing with her next. She needs to see a counselor or therapist in order for this to continue. She needs to be responsible more managing her own daily life and personal issues. Relationships become a nightmare when you feel like you're all of a sudden babysitting your partner. It's like they can't do anything on their own, without your opinion, help, action etc. It's emotionally, physically, and time consuming. And when I do have free time, I'm absolutely exhausted from tending to her.

We can all do nice things for each other in a relationship to help out. It becomes a very different thing when it's a requirement and they're completely co-dependant.
jjwinters is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 12:48 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
Absolutely. That's what I plan on addressing with her next. She needs to see a counselor or therapist in order for this to continue. She needs to be responsible more managing her own daily life and personal issues. Relationships become a nightmare when you feel like you're all of a sudden babysitting your partner. It's like they can't do anything on their own, without your opinion, help, action etc. It's emotionally, physically, and time consuming. And when I do have free time, I'm absolutely exhausted from tending to her.

We can all do nice things for each other in a relationship to help out. It becomes a very different thing when it's a requirement and they're completely co-dependant.
Yeah,man..be sure you don't get sucked into the 'detective' role. It's exhausting and pointless.
DontRemember is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 01:20 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
. But I did tell her if she did drink and couldn't control herself, I would leave and there would be no hesitation.

.
ya left the door open for drinking with this.
tomsteve is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 01:22 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
. It becomes a very different thing when it's a requirement and they're completely co-dependant.
goona fix this for ya:
It becomes a very different thing when it's a requirement and I'm completely co-dependant
tomsteve is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 10:04 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
It's emotionally, physically, and time consuming. And when I do have free time, I'm absolutely exhausted from tending to her.
There is a saying around here, "let go or be dragged".

Here is the thing, you (as you know) are not an endless well of compassion, sympathy, extra time, fixer-upper of all things.

In a good relationship there is a balance. You might make dinner, the other person might clean the kitchen. The other person might do something kind for you or buy you a surprise gift.

Those thoughtful and loving types of things are the kinds of things that emotionally fill you up and I don't mean in a co-dependant way, just in a nice give and take, natural way. When you are doing all this giving, there is an imbalance and you will be depleted eventually. It's inevitable. That's why it's so important to look out for yourself in all this.

And please remember the 3 Cs - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

If you want to check out the Friends and Family forum it can be found here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Some threads you might find helpful can be found in the sticky posts at the top of the forum, you might find this a good place to start:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
trailmix is offline  
Old 06-10-2018, 11:32 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by jjwinters View Post
Absolutely. That's what I plan on addressing with her next. She needs to see a counselor or therapist in order for this to continue. She needs to be responsible more managing her own daily life and personal issues. Relationships become a nightmare when you feel like you're all of a sudden babysitting your partner. It's like they can't do anything on their own, without your opinion, help, action etc. It's emotionally, physically, and time consuming. And when I do have free time, I'm absolutely exhausted from tending to her.

We can all do nice things for each other in a relationship to help out. It becomes a very different thing when it's a requirement and they're completely co-dependant.
Bless you for sticking with her and trying to help. I can’t say I was the same as your girlfriend because I was a secret drinker and my husband thought I’d have a glass or two occasionally but had no idea I used to keep stashes of booze hidden in various parts of the house and how physically addicted I became last year until after months being sober I got super drunk last month, lied to him said I hadn’t been drinking, he found some booze I had hidden away so I confessed how bad my drinking had gone very out of control last year I was physically addicted and I did quit but relapsed maybe I should go to a rehab place... and instead of standing by me he left me. Over 20 years together and he since refuses to even talk to me.

At least you’re giving your girlfriend a chance to get help but if she doesn’t even recognize her drinking problem she will continue to drink and might try to hide it from you like I hid it from my husband for years. Was easy to hide because I didn’t get obviously trashed when he was home then my secret became a physical addiction before I finally opened my eyes and knew I had to quit so I could live long enough to see my grandkids grow up and to see our two new puppies grow up.

Maybe leaving her would get her to open her eyes to her problem... or maybe she will feel depressed over the break up and use that as an excuse to drink even more. I really hope you two can talk it out she’s lucky to have you supporting her.
Katzen is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:00 PM.