At the beach and everyone in my condo is drinking - ugh
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry madgirl. Its clear this has upset you and I can understand why.
I still don't like being around drunk people either so I usually go off and do my own thing.
I find if there's no sober adults, there's usually some kids around, so you can play with them, or depending on the time of day go for a walk, a swim, watch a movie, whatever you like to do.
Its like a badge of honour for me these days - I prefer being this way and I refuse to let other people make me feel inferior for my choice.
I also refuse to let my own insecurities or self consciousness lead me to feel inferior.
I made a damn good choice for myself in stopping drinking. I turned what was a disaster of life around and I've put in a lot of time and effort into it.
I feel proud of what I've achieved.
There maybe no one in my life who can fully understand the challenge or the achievement but I do -and I know that people here, like yourself do, and that's ok
Don't let yourself lose sight of what you've accomplished here - you're the sane one, and the brave one
D
I still don't like being around drunk people either so I usually go off and do my own thing.
I find if there's no sober adults, there's usually some kids around, so you can play with them, or depending on the time of day go for a walk, a swim, watch a movie, whatever you like to do.
Its like a badge of honour for me these days - I prefer being this way and I refuse to let other people make me feel inferior for my choice.
I also refuse to let my own insecurities or self consciousness lead me to feel inferior.
I made a damn good choice for myself in stopping drinking. I turned what was a disaster of life around and I've put in a lot of time and effort into it.
I feel proud of what I've achieved.
There maybe no one in my life who can fully understand the challenge or the achievement but I do -and I know that people here, like yourself do, and that's ok
Don't let yourself lose sight of what you've accomplished here - you're the sane one, and the brave one
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
What a nightmare.
Time to develop some escape plans to get you through the rest of the vacation I think. Long walks, excursions for sight seeing, top of my list would be to go check out the AA meetings in the area and get to spend some time with sober people in recovery. Have you googled for meetings yet?
BB
PS And you could start planning your next SOBER vacation. With or without your husband. Xx
PPS if there is still a lot of 'vacation' left you may need to report to a larger scale escape plan, and make it an evacuation plan instead. Leave them to it and go home so you don't need to be surrounded by people who are sloshed and think its funny to ostracise you by accusing you of being judgemental when you're just trying to deal with a difficult situation. We do learn who our true friends are in recovery. I feel your pain and will be sending prayers for you to find some peace today. Xx
Time to develop some escape plans to get you through the rest of the vacation I think. Long walks, excursions for sight seeing, top of my list would be to go check out the AA meetings in the area and get to spend some time with sober people in recovery. Have you googled for meetings yet?
BB
PS And you could start planning your next SOBER vacation. With or without your husband. Xx
PPS if there is still a lot of 'vacation' left you may need to report to a larger scale escape plan, and make it an evacuation plan instead. Leave them to it and go home so you don't need to be surrounded by people who are sloshed and think its funny to ostracise you by accusing you of being judgemental when you're just trying to deal with a difficult situation. We do learn who our true friends are in recovery. I feel your pain and will be sending prayers for you to find some peace today. Xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
How are you feeling this morning? How early are you in sobriety?
This reminds me a lot of what I went through when I first stopped drinking and my husband also, wasn't on board. It's so hard- you feel like you are not being supported and quite the opposite, that he doesn't care, right?
This is really a tough situation to be in- uncomfortable for sure. First off, I am super proud of you for checking in here- SR saved my life countless times from drinking by doing the same thing. It shows how badly you want this.
Second, how many more days do you plan to stay? Do you have a "plan B" in case this gets to be too much for you? I see nothing wrong with leaving early if it's interfering with your sobriety or you general well being.
Another option would be to whole heatedly accept that this is the way vacation is going to be, and that it's "ok." They are going to drink heavily and get drunk and you will remain sober. They will most likely be annoying as hell and YOU will be clear headed and possibly feel a little isolated. Your husband likes to drink, as you once did, and this is the choice he is making.
I learned over the course of a year and a half (my first attempt at sobriety filled with ups and downs and relapses) that I couldn't control my husband and that my sobriety was my issue- my deal- my adventure. He had his own drinking issues and as hard as it was not to judge him or feel unsupported the more I felt that way, the more resentment I had for him.
I think it's ok to have a conversation with him about how you feel but it will also be easier for you if you focus on yourself and your goals and try to let go of what he is doing. I know it isn't easy, believe me. But it may help you.
Please check in and let us know how you are doing this morning...
This reminds me a lot of what I went through when I first stopped drinking and my husband also, wasn't on board. It's so hard- you feel like you are not being supported and quite the opposite, that he doesn't care, right?
This is really a tough situation to be in- uncomfortable for sure. First off, I am super proud of you for checking in here- SR saved my life countless times from drinking by doing the same thing. It shows how badly you want this.
Second, how many more days do you plan to stay? Do you have a "plan B" in case this gets to be too much for you? I see nothing wrong with leaving early if it's interfering with your sobriety or you general well being.
Another option would be to whole heatedly accept that this is the way vacation is going to be, and that it's "ok." They are going to drink heavily and get drunk and you will remain sober. They will most likely be annoying as hell and YOU will be clear headed and possibly feel a little isolated. Your husband likes to drink, as you once did, and this is the choice he is making.
I learned over the course of a year and a half (my first attempt at sobriety filled with ups and downs and relapses) that I couldn't control my husband and that my sobriety was my issue- my deal- my adventure. He had his own drinking issues and as hard as it was not to judge him or feel unsupported the more I felt that way, the more resentment I had for him.
I think it's ok to have a conversation with him about how you feel but it will also be easier for you if you focus on yourself and your goals and try to let go of what he is doing. I know it isn't easy, believe me. But it may help you.
Please check in and let us know how you are doing this morning...
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
People who use vacations as an excuse to drink excessively are escaping from lives they don't really like.
Sounds like a situation where I'd have to find something extraordinary about the sunrise and mention it to them at brunch.
Sounds like a situation where I'd have to find something extraordinary about the sunrise and mention it to them at brunch.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. announce that you are going for a five mile run and try to get someone to go with you.
You really won’t have to run 5 miles, nobody will feel well enough to come with you. Run a block or so until you can’t be seen, then stop and have coffee for 45 minutes. Then turn around and run back to the condo. It will give you some verbal ammunition to use if anyone questions you not drinking.
You really won’t have to run 5 miles, nobody will feel well enough to come with you. Run a block or so until you can’t be seen, then stop and have coffee for 45 minutes. Then turn around and run back to the condo. It will give you some verbal ammunition to use if anyone questions you not drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Wow, thanks everyone.
I have two more days to go. When H finally came to bed I was still awake - to his unhappy surprise. I told him I was hurt by the lack of support and that I can handle him having a few drinks but he was slurring words, stumbling and the women thought it was hilarious because I was sober.
He said “why should you not drinking be a burden on everyone else?”
So - I suppose I am a burden.
I guess I am still angry, and scared, too.
I have two more days to go. When H finally came to bed I was still awake - to his unhappy surprise. I told him I was hurt by the lack of support and that I can handle him having a few drinks but he was slurring words, stumbling and the women thought it was hilarious because I was sober.
He said “why should you not drinking be a burden on everyone else?”
So - I suppose I am a burden.
I guess I am still angry, and scared, too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 129
I’m sorry you are having a uncomfortable time of it. Alcohol and socializing do so often go hand in hand and I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s downright difficult to mix with any group in which drinking seems to be the point and purpose of the time being spent together. Not least because alcohol turns everyone into a shoddier version of themselves! Do what you have to do to feel comfortable in this situation: if others want to drink, then let them have at it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be around it (and, if you choose to absent yourself, I bet you any money most of the group will forget you’re not there quickly enough because they’re all drinking!)
As for your husband’s behaviour: well, I wouldn’t like it either. But, as he’s drinking, I think your best course of action would be to swallow your annoyance for now and have a proper conversation with him about it when you’re back at home. All this business of you being a burden is a total nonsense: he’s hammered and being spiteful, but that doesn’t mean there’s any validity to what he’s saying. And, if I can offer a last piece of advice: it sounds like you only vacationed with this group for the sake of your son and, now you’ve done it, don’t do it again!
Hope the rest of the break is bearable. All the best!
As for your husband’s behaviour: well, I wouldn’t like it either. But, as he’s drinking, I think your best course of action would be to swallow your annoyance for now and have a proper conversation with him about it when you’re back at home. All this business of you being a burden is a total nonsense: he’s hammered and being spiteful, but that doesn’t mean there’s any validity to what he’s saying. And, if I can offer a last piece of advice: it sounds like you only vacationed with this group for the sake of your son and, now you’ve done it, don’t do it again!
Hope the rest of the break is bearable. All the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Dee, I am going to read your post anytime the next two days I feel insecure. I feel like I am back in high school and the cool kids are laughing at me.
I am also, at 45, the youngest parent on this trip - which is really pathetic if you think about it.
I am also, at 45, the youngest parent on this trip - which is really pathetic if you think about it.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by wynwrights 
I’m sorry you are having a uncomfortable time of it. Alcohol and socializing do so often go hand in hand and I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s downright difficult to mix with any group in which drinking seems to be the point and purpose of the time being spent together. Not least because alcohol turns everyone into a shoddier version of themselves! Do what you have to do to feel comfortable in this situation: if others want to drink, then let them have at it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be around it (and, if you choose to absent yourself, I bet you any money most of the group will forget you’re not there quickly enough because they’re all drinking!)
As for your husband’s behaviour: well, I wouldn’t like it either. But, as he’s drinking, I think your best course of action would be to swallow your annoyance for now and have a proper conversation with him about it when you’re back at home. All this business of you being a burden is a total nonsense: he’s hammered and being spiteful, but that doesn’t mean there’s any validity to what he’s saying. And, if I can offer a last piece of advice: it sounds like you only vacationed with this group for the sake of your son and, now you’ve done it, don’t do it again!
Hope the rest of the break is bearable. All the best!
As for your husband’s behaviour: well, I wouldn’t like it either. But, as he’s drinking, I think your best course of action would be to swallow your annoyance for now and have a proper conversation with him about it when you’re back at home. All this business of you being a burden is a total nonsense: he’s hammered and being spiteful, but that doesn’t mean there’s any validity to what he’s saying. And, if I can offer a last piece of advice: it sounds like you only vacationed with this group for the sake of your son and, now you’ve done it, don’t do it again!
Hope the rest of the break is bearable. All the best!
To me it sounds a whole lot better than being around a bunch of drunks.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
[I]I am also, at 45, the youngest parent on this trip - which is really pathetic if you think about it./I]
Yes, it is kind of pathetic. Odds are, at least one of those other parents probably has a drinking problem. They might look at you right now, and see you as a role model and wish they could stop drinking like you. But they will never mention it in that group. It’s amazing the secrets that people have.
And congratulations on two years of sobriety!
Yes, it is kind of pathetic. Odds are, at least one of those other parents probably has a drinking problem. They might look at you right now, and see you as a role model and wish they could stop drinking like you. But they will never mention it in that group. It’s amazing the secrets that people have.
And congratulations on two years of sobriety!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Thanks so much for the kind responses.
This morning I told my husband he’d called me a burden last night, and told him I was deeply disappointed that I wasn’t able to count on him in a stressful time.
Then, I realized that unlike everyone else in the condo, I felt fine - so why was I hanging out in a dark condo when I could be outside?
So I put on some running clothes, plugged into some Pearl Jam (rearviewmirror!) and ran down the beach - releasing all that angry, hurt energy. There wasnt a cloud in the sky and the water was so calm - looked like glass.
As I ran, I told myself that I am no longer the dork I was in high school, and that Dee was right - I am the sane one, and I am doing the right thing. I can’t explain to you how much joy I felt in my heart after that - it felt religious. All I know is that afterwards, I felt light and happy.
I was gracious and kind with those women on the beach today, and enjoyed a truly spring day on the beach (which is rare in Florida).
Tonight H and I went out for dinner alone after ordering pizzas for the kids and it was great to be away from it all for a bit.
Thanks again for your support during my meltdown last night.
This morning I told my husband he’d called me a burden last night, and told him I was deeply disappointed that I wasn’t able to count on him in a stressful time.
Then, I realized that unlike everyone else in the condo, I felt fine - so why was I hanging out in a dark condo when I could be outside?
So I put on some running clothes, plugged into some Pearl Jam (rearviewmirror!) and ran down the beach - releasing all that angry, hurt energy. There wasnt a cloud in the sky and the water was so calm - looked like glass.
As I ran, I told myself that I am no longer the dork I was in high school, and that Dee was right - I am the sane one, and I am doing the right thing. I can’t explain to you how much joy I felt in my heart after that - it felt religious. All I know is that afterwards, I felt light and happy.
I was gracious and kind with those women on the beach today, and enjoyed a truly spring day on the beach (which is rare in Florida).
Tonight H and I went out for dinner alone after ordering pizzas for the kids and it was great to be away from it all for a bit.
Thanks again for your support during my meltdown last night.
Last edited by madgirl; 04-05-2018 at 07:52 PM. Reason: Misspellings
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by madgirl
Dee, I am going to read your post anytime the next two days I feel insecure. I feel like I am back in high school and the cool kids are laughing at me.
My guess is they are every bit as insecure as you or I.
I look at hard drinkers these days and think - what are you running from? What pressures are you under than only oblivion will do as a relaxation? How happy are you really that only getting wasted removes the angst?
I am also, at 45, the youngest parent on this trip - which is really pathetic if you think about it.
You not drinking is not a burden on anyone. It's no ones business.
I kinda hope he was drunk when he said this.
I'm always a little amazed at how childish and irresponsible people my age or older can be.
I fully understand I'm a little tougher than most on this cos I had the worlds longest adolescence...but geez louise I feel sorry for some of the kids today.
When I was a kid it seemed the adults in my life had it all together - they were the people I could turn to in a crisis...now I wonder if they did really have it all together?
maybe I was lucky.
I dunno, but I do know I genuinely like being an adult, even if I'm a little eccentric with it.
Childlike is better than childish
I hope the next two days are easier madgirl
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by madgirl
....
Then, I realized that unlike everyone else in the condo, I felt fine - so why was I hanging out in a dark condo when I could be outside?
So I put on some running clothes, plugged into some Pearl Jam (rearviewmirror!) and ran down the beach - releasing all that angry, hurt energy. There wasnt a cloud in the sky and the water was so calm - looked like glass.
As I ran, I told myself that I am no longer the dork I was in high school, and that Dee was right - I am the sane one, and I am doing the right thing. I can’t explain to you how much joy I felt in my heart after that - it felt religious. All I know is that afterwards, I felt light and happy.
I was gracious and kind with those women on the beach today, and enjoyed a truly spring day on the beach (which is rare in Florida).
Tonight H and I went out for dinner alone after ordering pizzas for the kids and it was great to be away from it all for a bit.
Thanks again for your support during my meltdown last night.
Then, I realized that unlike everyone else in the condo, I felt fine - so why was I hanging out in a dark condo when I could be outside?
So I put on some running clothes, plugged into some Pearl Jam (rearviewmirror!) and ran down the beach - releasing all that angry, hurt energy. There wasnt a cloud in the sky and the water was so calm - looked like glass.
As I ran, I told myself that I am no longer the dork I was in high school, and that Dee was right - I am the sane one, and I am doing the right thing. I can’t explain to you how much joy I felt in my heart after that - it felt religious. All I know is that afterwards, I felt light and happy.
I was gracious and kind with those women on the beach today, and enjoyed a truly spring day on the beach (which is rare in Florida).
Tonight H and I went out for dinner alone after ordering pizzas for the kids and it was great to be away from it all for a bit.
Thanks again for your support during my meltdown last night.
I'm so glad things turned round and you had a good day, and got some time away with your husband in a more civilized atmosphere.
I wonder if, aware of their age, those other women are trying to be cool and down with the kids (who probably go from disinterest to embarrassment over it - honestly, I hated my dad being drunk in front of my friends, it was impossible to know what he was going to do or say next and it was very worrying - and those friends I had whose parents were the same, I know they felt just as embarrassed and anxious. But on the outside it might not have looked that way. ) If they aren't alcoholics and unused to drinking like this, hitting it that hard every night this week is likely to take it's toll by the end of the week. And if they ARE alcoholic, well, we know there's no joy in that. So, good for you for being gracious and kind the next day.
I hope tomorrow will be a good one.
BB
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