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Old 11-03-2004, 08:53 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Murray KY
Posts: 19

sooo confused and lost...want and need help

Hi all,
First I have been here several times but I have never shared my story so you could all understand where I was coming from. I need help and I am asking for it from the bottom of my heart. I had been sober for the last two weeks but have been drunk for the last three nights. Still going to work and trying but I don't know how to deal with everyday problems or am capable of knowing when I am going to the extreme. Here's my story and please try to help me.
I started using drugs and drinking by the time I was 15. Had been with the same guy for the most part since the time I was 12. Ended up pregnant when I was 17 and got married when I was 19 while I was pregnant with second daughter. Was blessed with 5 wonderful daughters through the marriage and that's the only postive thing that I can remember. Loved him with all my heart was cheated on and lied to through entire marriage. Divorced after 8 years and lost kids to my parents, even though I continued to be a part of their lives, wasn't ready to take on the responsibility and knew they didn't need to be a part of the drugs and drinking. Went through three years of moving from one relationship to another and staying messed up. Met second husband through a friend and married about a month and a half after we moved in together. He was 10 years older and we nothing in common. Things wasn't going right and a friend of mine showed up after 15 years and we hit it off. I cheated on my husband for 3 months before we officially split up. We both knew it was over but I still was married and know that was wrong. Now for the part I need help with. The relationship that I have with my boyfriend was the most real thing that I have known and believed in since I can remember. I love him with all my heart and believe he loves me too. He's a great guy that has helped me alot with over coming some of my fears and taught me that I have to deal with the past instead of run from it. I have trust issues and jealousy issues too, I admit that but I have been working on them. I can't possibly go into all the details right now but he left 2 days ago, I said some hurtful things to him and he did also. We talked last night about giving it two weeks and seeing if we could solve our problems. Tonight he came over to talk and we both drank together and talked for several hours about things and he ended up leaving mad because I told him that I thought he was conceited. The reasoning behind that is that on more than one occasion he has pointed out the chances that he has had to be with other women as he did tonight. I don't feel like I need to be told that considering I feel in love with him and know what a great guy that he can be. I struggle with insecurities and that just adds to it. I know no one can tell me what i need to do but I just would love some outside input on the situation. I want to have a healthy relationship and stay sober. I am so confused. I would gladly answer any questions that anybody has and would love some advice. Main goal is to be ok with me and stop the insanity that is driving me crazy. Thanks for listening.

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Old 11-03-2004, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Hi Alli, My name is Diana and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict.
I can really relate to your post. My husband of 20 years cheated on me, and I have had trust issues ever since. I have 4 daughters (all grown now). I was divorced from husband 5 years ago, separated 6 years ago this month. In the end of my marriage my drinking progressed to a very bad state.
I knew something was wrong, I felt it in my gut, but instead of dealing with the emotions, I tried to drown them.
Turned out I was right about his cheating. I quit drinking in 1996, after finding out about his cheating. I decided I wanted to keep a clear head so that I would not be stupid again. Also recognized that I had a problem with alcohol.
Two and a half years ago I met and started dating a man. I started getting the same gut feelings, told myself it was just my insecurities about my ex. I started smoking more and more pot to get rid of the feelings that were nawing away at my gut.
Long story short, it turned out that he cheated as well, but in the meantime my pot using got so bad I went into treatment for it.
Now I am clean of drugs and alcohol, also single, but learniing to deal with emotions.
I will never ignore my gut feelings again, never numb them again. I want to be able to deal with what is realistically and instead of numbing myself, I will end a relationship. I don't ever want to blame my insecurities, but rather trust my judgements.
Our gut is usually right. I understand Alli, what it feels like to be hurting the way you are. I also understand the need to numb yourself. Try to see the situation clearly and trust your gut feelings instead of numbing them.
You will be much stronger in the long run.
Hope this helps. I pray for your insanity to stop too.
Love Diana
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Old 11-03-2004, 11:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 52,425
Hi Alli,

I admire that you're trying to change the negative situation in your life. Trust issues are difficult, I know because I have those too. As Lonlion said, trust your instincts. I find that meditation is a good way to learn to listen to yourself.

Something I have found since getting sober is that I needed to learn to like myself before I could change anything else in my life. Take a little time to be alone with yourself and get to know and love the person you are.

Love, Anna
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 11-04-2004, 03:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
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hi alli, snap, been there done that, got the t shirt.!!!

i drank because i liked it and then i binged when i found hubby had emotional attachment with a woman at work. my trust is destroyed. i drank to cover the hurt, to make me feel strong, able to cope etc etc. what i did was in fact make myself sick, miserable, irresponsible etc because of HIS actions. i ended up being the baddy not the victim. my first attempt at stopping to drink was just over a yr ago. i decided two things a) i wasnt going to let his behaviour make me into a bad person or do bad things to myself, friends and family b) if i was drunk i couldnt see what he was up to (haha - ironic laugh) well the first time i lasted 71 days, then i went to a work conferene and thought "one wont hurt". it did, it has taken me until now to get back to a point of being strong enough to start over.

i am at day 14 and with sober eyes again i do question our relationship - BUT i will not let my fears etc cause me to drink again. i need those sober eyes.

and as anna said so beautifully, take the time to get sober for you, then look at you and learn to like you, then you know what you can offer to another, be it this man or any other.

it is a tough journey my friend, like the others here, i know that, but it is worth it. i promise!!

still here
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Old 11-04-2004, 05:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Red face

Hey Alli--I agree with the other posters. You can't have a healthy relationship until YOU are healthy. I would suggest finding a program of recovery that works for you. I go to AA and have found it to be a life-saver, but there are other options as well. Get sober, get healthy, and everything else will fall into place.

Keep posting. We are here to help!

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