alli30

Hi all,
First I have been here several times but I have never shared my story so you could all understand where I was coming from. I need help and I am asking for it from the bottom of my heart. I had been sober for the last two weeks but have been drunk for the last three nights. Still going to work and trying but I don't know how to deal with everyday problems or am capable of knowing when I am going to the extreme. Here's my story and please try to help me.
I started using drugs and drinking by the time I was 15. Had been with the same guy for the most part since the time I was 12. Ended up pregnant when I was 17 and got married when I was 19 while I was pregnant with second daughter. Was blessed with 5 wonderful daughters through the marriage and that's the only postive thing that I can remember. Loved him with all my heart was cheated on and lied to through entire marriage. Divorced after 8 years and lost kids to my parents, even though I continued to be a part of their lives, wasn't ready to take on the responsibility and knew they didn't need to be a part of the drugs and drinking. Went through three years of moving from one relationship to another and staying messed up. Met second husband through a friend and married about a month and a half after we moved in together. He was 10 years older and we nothing in common. Things wasn't going right and a friend of mine showed up after 15 years and we hit it off. I cheated on my husband for 3 months before we officially split up. We both knew it was over but I still was married and know that was wrong. Now for the part I need help with. The relationship that I have with my boyfriend was the most real thing that I have known and believed in since I can remember. I love him with all my heart and believe he loves me too. He's a great guy that has helped me alot with over coming some of my fears and taught me that I have to deal with the past instead of run from it. I have trust issues and jealousy issues too, I admit that but I have been working on them. I can't possibly go into all the details right now but he left 2 days ago, I said some hurtful things to him and he did also. We talked last night about giving it two weeks and seeing if we could solve our problems. Tonight he came over to talk and we both drank together and talked for several hours about things and he ended up leaving mad because I told him that I thought he was conceited. The reasoning behind that is that on more than one occasion he has pointed out the chances that he has had to be with other women as he did tonight. I don't feel like I need to be told that considering I feel in love with him and know what a great guy that he can be. I struggle with insecurities and that just adds to it. I know no one can tell me what i need to do but I just would love some outside input on the situation. I want to have a healthy relationship and stay sober. I am so confused. I would gladly answer any questions that anybody has and would love some advice. Main goal is to be ok with me and stop the insanity that is driving me crazy. Thanks for listening.

Alli