Hi Alli, My name is Diana and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict.
I can really relate to your post. My husband of 20 years cheated on me, and I have had trust issues ever since. I have 4 daughters (all grown now). I was divorced from husband 5 years ago, separated 6 years ago this month. In the end of my marriage my drinking progressed to a very bad state.
I knew something was wrong, I felt it in my gut, but instead of dealing with the emotions, I tried to drown them.
Turned out I was right about his cheating. I quit drinking in 1996, after finding out about his cheating. I decided I wanted to keep a clear head so that I would not be stupid again. Also recognized that I had a problem with alcohol.
Two and a half years ago I met and started dating a man. I started getting the same gut feelings, told myself it was just my insecurities about my ex. I started smoking more and more pot to get rid of the feelings that were nawing away at my gut.
Long story short, it turned out that he cheated as well, but in the meantime my pot using got so bad I went into treatment for it.
Now I am clean of drugs and alcohol, also single, but learniing to deal with emotions.
I will never ignore my gut feelings again, never numb them again. I want to be able to deal with what is realistically and instead of numbing myself, I will end a relationship. I don't ever want to blame my insecurities, but rather trust my judgements.
Our gut is usually right. I understand Alli, what it feels like to be hurting the way you are. I also understand the need to numb yourself. Try to see the situation clearly and trust your gut feelings instead of numbing them.
You will be much stronger in the long run.
Hope this helps. I pray for your insanity to stop too.
Love Diana