Life is Black
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 187
Hi Mandy,
I am truly sorry for all you are going through. I lost my dad less than a year ago and also saw many awful things I can't unsee. Although I had an alcohol problem before then, it had become utterly terrible, a real blackness that is the opposite of living. I actually think of his lively spirit as a motivation - it would make me feel even darker and more ashamed to be binging to blackout alone, thinking how much he would hurt knowing what I was doing.
You are still early in the grieving process I imagine. Do you have access to free grief counseling? Many places offer support groups or even talking to a grief counselor one on one. It may help you with your emotions.
I hope you stick to it and don't let alcohol rob you from this world. You have my support.
I am truly sorry for all you are going through. I lost my dad less than a year ago and also saw many awful things I can't unsee. Although I had an alcohol problem before then, it had become utterly terrible, a real blackness that is the opposite of living. I actually think of his lively spirit as a motivation - it would make me feel even darker and more ashamed to be binging to blackout alone, thinking how much he would hurt knowing what I was doing.
You are still early in the grieving process I imagine. Do you have access to free grief counseling? Many places offer support groups or even talking to a grief counselor one on one. It may help you with your emotions.
I hope you stick to it and don't let alcohol rob you from this world. You have my support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
my condolences to you, mandy. your story brought back memories and im very glad youre doing something about the drinking now.
my dad died in 1995. it was at that time i crossed the line into full flown alcoholism- i no longer needed nor wanted an excuse to drink- i just drank.
i wasnt able to properly grieve until i got sober in 2005. it wasnt easy, but im greatful and blessed i was able to get sober and do it. there was a whole lot of emotions and feelings i had tried to stuff for many years that came out, but it was well worth it to go through it sober.
you may want to look into some F2F support for yourself- both with the grieving and the alcoholism.
my dad died in 1995. it was at that time i crossed the line into full flown alcoholism- i no longer needed nor wanted an excuse to drink- i just drank.
i wasnt able to properly grieve until i got sober in 2005. it wasnt easy, but im greatful and blessed i was able to get sober and do it. there was a whole lot of emotions and feelings i had tried to stuff for many years that came out, but it was well worth it to go through it sober.
you may want to look into some F2F support for yourself- both with the grieving and the alcoholism.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by mandypandy 
Dee,it's the help with the addiction I have came here for, I have read a lot of uplifting posts on here already. I'm not sure what kind of plan you are meant to make though. A day to day one? A longterm one? Do you plan your day out, or do you just plan to stave off any temptation to drink?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
It can be as basic as when I feel like drinking I will do _______, ___________ & _______ instead.
Make one of those _________ reaching out here for help and I reckon you won't go too far wrong
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 4
:(
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandpa in June who was like my father. I watched him take his last breaths while holding him and hugging him. I have flashbacks daily. Alcohol got the best of me after that experience and my drinking got out of control. So amazing you have already noticed to get help now. I wish I did. Keep it up and think about how your dad wouldn't want to see you like that. You can do this. You got this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
dizzybee, tomsteve and Lynne86, thank you so much for your condolences and taking the time to post to me. I am sorry for your losses too. No matter how many years, I cannot imagine a time will come when I stop missing him, and you, your loved ones too.
I don't think I need professional help with the grief, I know we can't live forever, and losing someone you love to death is always hard, the hardest thing in life. My dad was 73, he had had cancer for 7 years. Four years ago it spread to his bones, they gave him 2 years then! He was such a jolly gentle man in his later years (he had his own problems with addiction when I was young, but turned himself around).
It comforts me to know, that other people have had the same experiences as me when being with someone in their decline and death. I realized that all I know about the actual mechanics of dying are from the media, all very sanitized and clean and UNREALISTIC!
I can't blame his death on my drinking, it started and was very bad, long long before he became ill. Infact, when I was forced to come to the realization that he needed me, my mother need me, my younger brothers and sisters needed me, I drank once, in the 6 weeks he was in hospital, then the hospice, over the Xmas period. And it was the one day I didn't have to be there, as someone else said I needed a break.
It really saddens me, that two nights before he died, I was staying overnight in his hospice room with my mother (she was so scared bless her, that she wanted me to be there). She said to me that she was really grateful that I had not drank over the whole crisis and was there for them. I was so sad when she said that. Who should have to be grateful that their daughter is putting them first, above their own wants/needs for bloody once?!
Before he was actually very ill with the cancer, although the monthly tests got worse and worse, he always fought on. He never gave in to despair or dark thoughts. He lived his life, he enjoyed his life. At the time, me perfectly healthy (apart from the drinking) lamented the awfulness of my life, ha. The awfulness of MY life was self inflicted, thanks to the drinking.
He died in mine and my mother arms, my other siblings (apart from one who is always late) were there. The end was sudden and peaceful. The lead up to it wasn't. I always maintained I drank for stress. So how can I explain at one of the most stressful periods of my life, I didnt drink through it?
I thank him for the lesson that what we all went through together, or little family, me sober, taught me, I am stronger than I think I am
I don't think I need professional help with the grief, I know we can't live forever, and losing someone you love to death is always hard, the hardest thing in life. My dad was 73, he had had cancer for 7 years. Four years ago it spread to his bones, they gave him 2 years then! He was such a jolly gentle man in his later years (he had his own problems with addiction when I was young, but turned himself around).
It comforts me to know, that other people have had the same experiences as me when being with someone in their decline and death. I realized that all I know about the actual mechanics of dying are from the media, all very sanitized and clean and UNREALISTIC!
I can't blame his death on my drinking, it started and was very bad, long long before he became ill. Infact, when I was forced to come to the realization that he needed me, my mother need me, my younger brothers and sisters needed me, I drank once, in the 6 weeks he was in hospital, then the hospice, over the Xmas period. And it was the one day I didn't have to be there, as someone else said I needed a break.
It really saddens me, that two nights before he died, I was staying overnight in his hospice room with my mother (she was so scared bless her, that she wanted me to be there). She said to me that she was really grateful that I had not drank over the whole crisis and was there for them. I was so sad when she said that. Who should have to be grateful that their daughter is putting them first, above their own wants/needs for bloody once?!
Before he was actually very ill with the cancer, although the monthly tests got worse and worse, he always fought on. He never gave in to despair or dark thoughts. He lived his life, he enjoyed his life. At the time, me perfectly healthy (apart from the drinking) lamented the awfulness of my life, ha. The awfulness of MY life was self inflicted, thanks to the drinking.
He died in mine and my mother arms, my other siblings (apart from one who is always late) were there. The end was sudden and peaceful. The lead up to it wasn't. I always maintained I drank for stress. So how can I explain at one of the most stressful periods of my life, I didnt drink through it?
I thank him for the lesson that what we all went through together, or little family, me sober, taught me, I am stronger than I think I am
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
this all sounds like a perfect time for you to:
make the firm, deep and sincere choice to grab on and embrace sobriety.
support that choice TODAY with clear action - because 'sobriety' without action is just a wish.
get yourself plugged into a sober community - whether AA or some other form of connection - having a network of sober friends is crucial.
I'm sorry for the struggles you're having - but remember; we all have struggles. Life continues to happen. In sobriety, our struggles are simply the flow of life and they need not knock us so deeply off course.
In addiction, struggles compound struggles and we flail, flouder, eventually to drown.
You can do this.
make the firm, deep and sincere choice to grab on and embrace sobriety.
support that choice TODAY with clear action - because 'sobriety' without action is just a wish.
get yourself plugged into a sober community - whether AA or some other form of connection - having a network of sober friends is crucial.
I'm sorry for the struggles you're having - but remember; we all have struggles. Life continues to happen. In sobriety, our struggles are simply the flow of life and they need not knock us so deeply off course.
In addiction, struggles compound struggles and we flail, flouder, eventually to drown.
You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
Freeowl, yes wishful thinking is just that, thinking.
Action is what counts.
I am thinking about going to an AA group (although have left in the past) just for human contact.
Infact have tried everything in past, from AA to Smart to RR
I know nothing will work unless I want to give up drinking!
I know, life is life, it ends in death.
For all of us. It has been brought home to me, even the bravest fighters have to die, nevermind the wimps like me!
But I am coming to realize, drinking is a living death, the opposite of life..in all it's gory forms, and I want to live, no matter what the pain, not live in the numbness of the living death of drink. Thanks FreeOwl
Action is what counts.
I am thinking about going to an AA group (although have left in the past) just for human contact.
Infact have tried everything in past, from AA to Smart to RR
I know nothing will work unless I want to give up drinking!
I know, life is life, it ends in death.
For all of us. It has been brought home to me, even the bravest fighters have to die, nevermind the wimps like me!
But I am coming to realize, drinking is a living death, the opposite of life..in all it's gory forms, and I want to live, no matter what the pain, not live in the numbness of the living death of drink. Thanks FreeOwl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I am sorry for your loss Mandy. It is indeed traumatic for a child to lose a parent, no matter the age of the child. This is a tough time for you. However, you are your father's daughter and can remain strong.
he always fought on. He never gave in to despair or dark thoughts. He lived his life, he enjoyed his life. You can do this too. Hang in there.
he always fought on. He never gave in to despair or dark thoughts. He lived his life, he enjoyed his life. You can do this too. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
Rar, bless you, I am indeed my fathers daughter!!
He was such a brave man, how could I not be a brave daughter?
He struggled with addiction..and won
He beat 2 life threatening illnesses before the cancer.
He lived with the cancer until it took him own totally and didnt give it a thought.
I know losing a parent young must be very hard. But he was my all, my rock ,for the 50 years of my life
At my age, you think, grow up woman, I did grow up, but I lost the rock and the soft place in my life.
Is that easier or harder on a person? I think it's the love for and of that person you miss no matter what age.
I remember him in his prime, he threw me about, joked with me was just a big kid.
I wish I wasnt and glad I was when he died at the same time.
The weeks over Xmas were horrible, but I hope he knows I was there, with my mother and in the end with his other kids
He was such a brave man, how could I not be a brave daughter?
He struggled with addiction..and won
He beat 2 life threatening illnesses before the cancer.
He lived with the cancer until it took him own totally and didnt give it a thought.
I know losing a parent young must be very hard. But he was my all, my rock ,for the 50 years of my life
At my age, you think, grow up woman, I did grow up, but I lost the rock and the soft place in my life.
Is that easier or harder on a person? I think it's the love for and of that person you miss no matter what age.
I remember him in his prime, he threw me about, joked with me was just a big kid.
I wish I wasnt and glad I was when he died at the same time.
The weeks over Xmas were horrible, but I hope he knows I was there, with my mother and in the end with his other kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
Well turns out I can spout all I want about being strong, but am not, drank last night.
I must admit, I had a look at the plan Dee directed me to, but did just that, had a look, maybe I need to do more than look?
It was a daft thing I became fixated on before I drank.
My dad, was crippled with arthritis for 20 years before he died. He had these God awful boots he had to wear to support his ankles. I gave him this diet to follow that reduces inflammation in the body (I know! Me giving health advice! But I do swing between total destruction with the drink, and ultra healthy diet)
Anyway, it worked for him, and he was able to ditch the much hated boots. He bought himself a pair of shoes that he loved, he was going to wear them on his holidays last summer. But before he could, the cancer hit hit his spine and he couldn't stand for more than a few minutes. He battled all his life, but it brought him down then.
The next months, the cancer stole everything, bit by bit.
We wanted him cremated in those shoes, he loved them so much. But the undertaker said, no shoes, wasnt allowed for a cremation.
I don't know why I feel so upset about the bloody shoes...but I do
I must admit, I had a look at the plan Dee directed me to, but did just that, had a look, maybe I need to do more than look?
It was a daft thing I became fixated on before I drank.
My dad, was crippled with arthritis for 20 years before he died. He had these God awful boots he had to wear to support his ankles. I gave him this diet to follow that reduces inflammation in the body (I know! Me giving health advice! But I do swing between total destruction with the drink, and ultra healthy diet)
Anyway, it worked for him, and he was able to ditch the much hated boots. He bought himself a pair of shoes that he loved, he was going to wear them on his holidays last summer. But before he could, the cancer hit hit his spine and he couldn't stand for more than a few minutes. He battled all his life, but it brought him down then.
The next months, the cancer stole everything, bit by bit.
We wanted him cremated in those shoes, he loved them so much. But the undertaker said, no shoes, wasnt allowed for a cremation.
I don't know why I feel so upset about the bloody shoes...but I do
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Sorry you're feeling down about your Dad.
It struck me, though, that we could change just one word in something you wrote and it becomes about you:
Best of Luck on Your Journey. 
It struck me, though, that we could change just one word in something you wrote and it becomes about you:
Originally Posted by mandypandy
The next months, the alcohol stole everything, bit by bit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Mandypandy...this seems to be how grief is...we relive and “if-only” these intensely personal and unique vignettes that cause such pain. This seems to go on for some time, in my experience. Not sure it will end, but the vignettes are getting less painful and are morphing from slashing knife blades into purposeful scalpels.
So you drank. Stop again. I had to stop again and again, myself. Stopping WILL stick when your mind is made up and you take actions required.... “go to any length” and all that.
I lost my Dad last March. I too made it to my 50’s before losing a rock.
For myself, the crescendo of meaning and loss and grief around my Dad’s illness and death put a real “sobering” light on this selfish little addiction I was dealing with and continue to deal with. Growing my azz up so I can reliably and permanently care for my Mom became a high priority.
When people suggest getting help with the grief in addition to the addiction... try not to dismiss the idea out of hand. Your loss is still very recent. In first few months, I had all I could handle. But in the past couple of months (and sober) facilitated group grief sessions have helped me a lot. And usually are free...find one where most people are dealing with normal/timely losses like yours.
So you drank. Stop again. I had to stop again and again, myself. Stopping WILL stick when your mind is made up and you take actions required.... “go to any length” and all that.
I lost my Dad last March. I too made it to my 50’s before losing a rock.
For myself, the crescendo of meaning and loss and grief around my Dad’s illness and death put a real “sobering” light on this selfish little addiction I was dealing with and continue to deal with. Growing my azz up so I can reliably and permanently care for my Mom became a high priority.
When people suggest getting help with the grief in addition to the addiction... try not to dismiss the idea out of hand. Your loss is still very recent. In first few months, I had all I could handle. But in the past couple of months (and sober) facilitated group grief sessions have helped me a lot. And usually are free...find one where most people are dealing with normal/timely losses like yours.
Last edited by BixBees505; 01-30-2018 at 06:19 AM. Reason: Just a little less about “me”.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad ya made it back,mandy. being strong is good. however, when it comes to alcoholism being strong sometimes isnt enough. i personally didnt have the strength nor willpower to not drink. when i was given the gift of desperation, i did something i never thought i would do- something i didnt know would help be learn to gain strength:
i surrendered- admitted and accepted alcohol had me whooped. i had no idea how to live life on lifes terms; every single problem in life that came up, by go-to solution for many years was drink.
surrendering was the greatest act of humility i have ever done,so im told. humility led to teachability. teachability led to me being able to put into action what i was being taught- it put me on the road to recovery.
its awesome to read you see the major problem AND the solution:
I must admit, I had a look at the plan Dee directed me to, but did just that, had a look, maybe I need to do more than look?
i think you should change that last part to
i need to do more than just look if i want victory over alcohol.
i surrendered- admitted and accepted alcohol had me whooped. i had no idea how to live life on lifes terms; every single problem in life that came up, by go-to solution for many years was drink.
surrendering was the greatest act of humility i have ever done,so im told. humility led to teachability. teachability led to me being able to put into action what i was being taught- it put me on the road to recovery.
its awesome to read you see the major problem AND the solution:
I must admit, I had a look at the plan Dee directed me to, but did just that, had a look, maybe I need to do more than look?
i think you should change that last part to
i need to do more than just look if i want victory over alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by mandypandy
I never watched anybody die before. It wasn't pretty, and now I am afraid of death. And thats all I can see in the future, living then suffering then dying. I'm a total little ray of sunshine at the moment. I havent really lost anone close to death before either and Im almost 50, so I find the loss completely overwhelming.
Like you, all I saw was gloom & doom. I'm an only child & am 48. Also never lost anyone close. The holidays were the worst. I just kept on drinking.
It's been 4 months since his passing & it does get easier. I now see the light at the end of the gloomy tunnel. I'm taking alcohol out of the equation.
The gloominess does go away with time ( at least with me). I'm new here and have found this site to be my comfort.
Best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
Thank you for your replies. They have brought me a lot of comfort.
I havent been able to put the drink down again yet. So can't give a proper sensible reply. But thank you all who bothered. I know you all make sense. Just have to stop this to be able to make sense of the sense.
I havent been able to put the drink down again yet. So can't give a proper sensible reply. But thank you all who bothered. I know you all make sense. Just have to stop this to be able to make sense of the sense.
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