mandypandy

My other problem is my mother.
Everyone says I should be looking after her. Honestly and her behavior at the hospice before my dad died was shocking to me.
I cant explain to my siblings how unfeeling and selfish she was, it shocked me. Now they are telling me to take care of her..I cant she shocked me with her callousness

Dee74

Well, I took my day count from the last day I drank, because that was the day my life changed.

I looked at the dregs I'd just emptied and decided no more ever again.

The way I see it, you can either drink all day and feel like death tomorrow and maybe convince yourself you need a hair of the dog and lose another day...

or you can stop today - now - and be refreshed and awake tomorrow morning.

D

julietUK

Hi Mandy. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Please put down the drink. It won't help at all, in fact make everything worse. The loss of your father is so sad but you know what he would want you to do.

Take care. Please keep checking in with us. Tell your AV to take a hike.

Dropsie

Your dad was lucky to have you, and vice versa.

I don't know what to say about your mother, but I do know that forgiveness is a gift that gives the giver more than the receiver.

Nonsensical

Is there anything about your behavior people might find shocking?

People cope in different ways. It does not make them unworthy.

Be well.

tomsteve

and then get into action.
on the mother problem:
drinkin aint helpin it any,is it?
are ya using that as an excuse to drink?

i guarantee the whole situation will be more manageable sober.
not only that, stop drinking and start working a plan/program of recovery and you'll start loving yourself again.
which i think that is more important than the mom problems.

mandypandy

Yes, thank you all, I am in no position to judge anyone.
The drink is skewing my thinking
I am slowly sobering up, I know she was scared. So was I.
Ive never seen her like that before.
Im not drinking anymore, maybe my humanity will come back to me

mandypandy

Im sorry, Im still a bit drunk

I just want to to talk to him one more time
He was so out of it the last weeks, with the pin and the meds I couldnt.
I just miss him

Rar

From Dee, "Well, I took my day count from the last day I drank, because that was the day my life changed."

Me too. Though I already drank during the day, I looked at my last drink and said, "That's enough". My sobriety day 1 started after that last drink.

PennyLane76

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father Mandy. It's tough. Drinking "at" grief will only make it worse. Drinking at an emotion to make it go away only make that emotion stronger, IMO. Is there a reason your siblings can't help with your mother?

mandypandy

You are right, all of you. I know it myself, that drinking doesn't help. but I get myself into the position of having to drink to stop feeking so ill..and again I know that is a stupid thing to do, just prolongs it.
Drinking just makes me into a horrible person. Self pity is a horrible thing to behold, especially in yourself!
Really, my mother is not the problem, I am my problem.
Everyone who has posted to me on this thread, has been a help, thank you.

Nonsensical

You have just empowered yourself in a way no one else could.

You were never going to be able to fix your mother.
But fixing yourself is 100% do-able.
And, you have the world's most powerful mandy-fixing machine sitting right on top of your neck. Clear the poison out of it and put it to work!

You
Can
Do
This

mandypandy

As I have drank again, and am in full self-pity mode I am going to spell out exactly what is wrong. Then when I stop this madness I can see exactly how I gt in drinking.
I am lonely. My last relationship ended 7 years ago (didnt end through drinking, as I was sober during the 3 years we were together)
The base line is, I dont have a job, I have no friends as have moved to different part of country. I hate living alone, I am not allowed pets in the flat I rent (although there is a steady stream of mice, that freak me out totally). My kids are all grown and have their own lives. I won't ever be able to have another relationship with a man again, as womens health stuff has sort of disabled me in that department.
Basically, my life, to me, is not worth living. It's lonely.
I would top myself, but I don't have the courage, and don't want to make my kids feel bad.
What is the point in going on day after day alone?

mandypandy

I actually courned a mouse the other day. I get rid of one and another comes! I cornered this tiny mouse, and it was so scared, I didnt have the heart to kill it! But I have poison down, and the poison has been eaten, in some part. But I feel bad about having to constantly kill these animals. But then again, they freak me out and poo all over.

2ndhandrose

(((mandy)))

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely.

And your mouse problem doesn't sound good! If you don't own your place, do you have a landlord to talk to about it?

Have you tried going to any face to face recovery groups? Or thought about volunteering to meet some people, at least to have some kind of social connection?

I don't think isolation is good for one's head space.

Dee74

I didn't see what the point was either., I was convinced my life had to change before I could quit drinking.

Eventually I nearly died so I had to quit...

and after I did all the things I wanted for my life - peace happiness, meaning, love, friendship - happened.

Not right away, and some of the things needed some patience and effort to eventualise - but good things always do right?

D

mandypandy

Finally stopped drinking. Thanks for the advice 2ndhandrose and Dee.
This is day one so don't feel up to writing much. Tomorrow I am going to go to AA, I cannot do this by constantly sitting alone.

Dee74

congrats on day one Mandy - you never have to feel like this again

D

mandypandy

Thanks Dee. I really want to stop this madness.

2ndhandrose

I am so happy to read your post first thing this morning, mandy

Please keep posting, keep reading and let us know how you make out at AA!