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Old 10-15-2017, 04:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I am a newcomer and desperately need support


My bf has been in active heroin addiction on and off for years. We are going on 3 years and through prison, detox, withdrawals etc I was always on his side. I am a compassionate, caring person and maybe this is my downfall. Long story short, he had pulled dissapearing acts before but nothing like this. It's been almost 2 weeks.. he was supposedly on suboxene but the lies and stories started getting a little ridiculous. Long story short he dissapeared on me without a trace. Phone is shut off, I can't communicate and I have no idea where he is, if he's alive.. nothing!!!! I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! I'm anger I'm depressed I'm sick I can't eat or sleep!!! I have no closure! And I'm pretty sure he told anyone I can contact to block me!! I know he's in active addiction again but I always was there.. not judging .. trying to give him space or help him when he was ready! I've done so much for him I feel manipulated, used and betrayed.. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of someone who is alive with no clue where he is or what he is doing. I do feel like he's punishing me cause I contacted his boss just to see if he was alive!!! And it caused him to lose his job.. I know I should detach let go move on none of this is my fault... I get that ALL.. but the pain I feel.. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and loss and anger... he cut me off like nothing after 3 years and always being there... taking him to rehab, detox, visiting him in prison. I've even got the whole " without u I would be dead". And now he just dissapears.. going on almost 2 weeks.. his phone is off.. I just want to get rid of this awful feeling .. I'm trying to do things I enjoy spend time w people who deserve me.. yet this no closure or having no clue where he is or WHY he did this is killing me inside. I really need some advice.
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Old 10-15-2017, 04:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Prepare yourself for letting him go. I can see why you are worried but, even if he is still alive somewhere out there he is gone. His addiction has taken him away. It is time to start thinking of yourself. All the energy you are putting towards him is useless. Take care of yourself. He isn't thinking about you so don't be thinking about him.
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Old 10-15-2017, 04:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome Jodit77.
So glad you found your way here.
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Old 10-15-2017, 04:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Someone in active addiction doesn't care about anyone but themselves and using. I hope you can let go of him and move on with your life.
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for listening.. I want to let go. I just don't know how??? I'm agonizing how he could pull this ****.. I know he's selfish he's using.. I'm not even a thought.. I just can't comprehend it... this it all.. I manage to work hard, keep up w friends, but I'm struggling... like I'll get the call any day that he's dead .. and I know I didn't do this to him.. I chose to be kind. I chose to stick around.. deal w the drama.. I take accountability.. but to just cut someone off who had your back when no one else did.. like did he ever actually care?? Is he even thinking about me?? Is he so shamed??? I've always forgiven him but in falling apart.. I just wanna knows he's alive even if in ever ever see him again.. he needs to find his own way.. I know I can't fix him. I've learned that. I just can't grasp the thought that he cut me off and that's it ...I feel sick and it's getting worse. I have no support because everyone is disgusted I let it go so long .. but it's those glimpses of who he once one. His laugh his voice. It's haunting me. I need to let go. But I'm finding it almost unbearable. I wake up and cry. I can't breathe... I want to find him on one hand and on the other wash My hands of his toxic behaviors that affect me but I dong know how!! Please help!!
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome Jodit77.
So glad you found your way here.
Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. How do I move on?? Like I'm with someone and talk to them everyday and he literally cut me off. I need to understand why. It's my first time reaching out like this. I feel helpless and lost
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you for listening.. I want to let go. I just don't know how??? I'm agonizing how he could pull this ****.. I know he's selfish he's using.. I'm not even a thought.. I just can't comprehend it... this it all.. I manage to work hard, keep up w friends, but I'm struggling... like I'll get the call any day that he's dead .. and I know I didn't do this to him.. I chose to be kind. I chose to stick around.. deal w the drama.. I take accountability.. but to just cut someone off who had your back when no one else did.. like did he ever actually care?? Is he even thinking about me?? Is he so shamed??? I've always forgiven him but in falling apart.. I just wanna knows he's alive even if in ever ever see him again.. he needs to find his own way.. I know I can't fix him. I've learned that. I just can't grasp the thought that he cut me off and that's it ...I feel sick and it's getting worse. I have no support because everyone is disgusted I let it go so long .. but it's those glimpses of who he once one. His laugh his voice. It's haunting me. I need to let go. But I'm finding it almost unbearable. I wake up and cry. I can't breathe... I want to find him on one hand and on the other wash My hands of his toxic behaviors that affect me but I dong know how!! Please help!!
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You are not unlike us alcoholics,
We had to make a decision in our lives to leave something we loved for our own good. Trust me, it was tough. But.........we heal and move on.
You NEED to do the same my friend.
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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There is no point in debating "why" he dumped you or why he uses drugs. The only debate is with yourself as to how you're going to move on from it.

I'd suggest totally cutting him off. Block his number. Don't call him or anyone connected to him. He obviously isn't relationship material so let him go and build yourself a good life.

Like my dad used to say: when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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There is no point in debating "why" he dumped you or why he uses drugs. The only debate is with yourself as to how you're going to move on from it.

I'd suggest totally cutting him off. Block his number. Don't call him or anyone connected to him. He obviously isn't relationship material so let him go and build yourself a good life.

Like my dad used to say: when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.
Thank you. It's all so true...just trying to get through it... your right. I'm not going to get any answers. I'm sure he's just looking for next fix, surviving not worrying about anyone he hurts in his path of destruction
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Old 10-15-2017, 05:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome Jodit,

Co-dependency is an addiction. I suggest finding a support group such as Al anon or CoDA (Co-dependants anonymous). They might be able to help you get closure. They will help you set boundaries minimal.

good luck
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you. It's all so true...just trying to get through it... your right. I'm not going to get any answers. I'm sure he's just looking for next fix, surviving not worrying about anyone he hurts in his path of destruction
That's right. This isn't about you at all. Addicts are so wrapped up in the next hit that people are just casualties.

You deserve much better.

These episodes in your head will die down in time. Have you gone to any Al Anon meetings or therapy? I think it would be helpful for you. That's what I had to do to put things into perspective. I've been you in past relationships and I'll tell ya - never again. I hope this is a valuable (although super painful) life experience when you look back on it someday.

Stay busy! That helps to keep from dwelling on it.

Maybe hang out here and read around the forums, there are a couple sections for the Friends & Family of Alcoholics and/or substance users too. Welcome. Sorry for the reason you had to find us.
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You should look into Nar Anon for support. Itís for those who love addicts and youíll probably find others going through the same thing. Heís addicted to his substance; but youíre also addicted. You think if you get this closure (one more fix) that youíll be able to let go.

But like all addictions, it doesnít work that way. It just makes the urge stronger. The only way to move on from it, is to let it go.

Seek therapy to learn why youíve picked someone who treats you this way (saying this with love from someone whoís been there). You have to learn to love and take care of yourself. Your self-worth is not dependent on his attention. Find a new hobby, go back to school; find out who YOU really are without someone dragging you down.

You can do this. I know itís hard. Before I was married, I kept picking the same type of man over and over - and getting broken to pieces every time. A guy I had been dating for almost a year and practically lived with picked up and moved out of state one day with no explanation and just never answered my calls again. Another one I was with for 3 years led a whole nother life behind my back the entire time. Until I worked on myself and came to terms with why I valued myself so little, I kept repeating the same pattern.

The best way to get closure is to live your life to the fullest. When youíre fulfilled, you wonít need to know WHY heís doing this. It doesnít matter. You do you. Be thankful that heís given you this opportunity to be free instead of continuing to put you through the torment of addiction.
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling and I'm glad you found us and posted. Try to focus on taking care of yourself.
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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That's right. This isn't about you at all. Addicts are so wrapped up in the next hit that people are just casualties.

You deserve much better.

These episodes in your head will die down in time. Have you gone to any Al Anon meetings or therapy? I think it would be helpful for you. That's what I had to do to put things into perspective. I've been you in past relationships and I'll tell ya - never again. I hope this is a valuable (although super painful) life experience when you look back on it someday.

Stay busy! That helps to keep from dwelling on it.

Maybe hang out here and read around the forums, there are a couple sections for the Friends & Family of Alcoholics and/or substance users too. Welcome. Sorry for the reason you had to find us.
I've been doing a lot of reading about codependency and how his chaos became mine. It does almost become an addiction - I haven't gone to a meeting as I can't really find one close at a time that I'm available so I figured I would try online. I just want to know it gets better. Funny- I always thought this would end on my terms.. but he made the call out of the clear blue sky without even so much of a Hint.. and I
Guess it is normal to feel worried and betrayed. I have all intentions of doing my best to move on and look at this as a blessing in disguise but when someone who love and care about, addicted or not, dissapears. It's just very hard. I guess I'm just looking for support - I'm trying to stay busy.. but the mornings and nights are torture. Thank u for replying.
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:21 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Be prepared for his reemergence. Have a plan for him showing up at the door. Setting boundaries and keeping them are very hard at first. Addicts are very good at finding the weaknesses to manipulate people. Good luck
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