My friends I really need some advice, I have never felt so guilty in my life. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 09-19-2017, 04:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My friends I really need some advice, I have never felt so guilty in my life.


Really tried my best to keep as short as possible sorry everyone.

Iam a perfect example of what explosive emotions can do to a relationship and to a person. My drinking has ruined my ability to have a normal relationship. It finally hit me, Ive turned into a monster.

Long story short I've been dating a very nice kind loving girl for the last year. And we are in the first stages of relationship end.

For the past year she has been putting up with my drinking, explosive emotions, swearing, yelling, throwing things and constant threats to end the relationship.

Not every day of course. But every few weeks after a few Benders I would basically explode with all my built-up emotions and anger over nothing or relationship hurdles that usually talking resolves.

Half way in the relationship she told me that " I need you to be careful with me, because I have multiple schlerosis" (a disease where a person loses motor function over years, wheelchair bound or bed bound)

This of course did not stop me from drinking or using her as an emotional punching bag after Benders.

Over the week she has been on holidays, and I basically went into a jealous rage because she turned off her last seen notifications and told me she doesn't want me to be asking her about her holiday because she is sick of my hysterics.

A couple days ago I couldn't take it anymore I realized that our relationship had become extremely toxic. Withmy explosive stressful personality, and drinking, pushing her MS, it was not going to work, I would basically torture her slowly with stress.

But the bad thing is I ended it with explosive emotions, After a 7-Day Bender.

She is obviously really hurt and she is not replying, and she is still on holiday at the moment. I basically used my selfish emotions to ruin her holiday.

You have no idea of the guilt I'm going through right now. I basically met this amazing woman , happy woman who wanted to share her happiness with me. made her fall in love with me, then shook her around emotionaly, and then dropped her like a rock because I was was having extremely iratoional emotions, from a 7 day bender and other secret Benders.

She should Run for the hills I do not blame her. We will meet again to discuss my departure date soon I suspect because she will be arriving back home.


Our relationship will end due to our circumstances where we can't meet for at least a year. And...I just want to from the bottom of my heart apologize to her for the damage that I've caused her over the year. But Iam so embarrassed.

Really guys, I feel like a monster I feel so guilty for letting her get into a relationship with me and my alcoholism.

The only good things she will take from this is our good memories and who NOT to be with on the future.

IVE NEVER HAD A BIGGER WAKEUP CALL IN MY LIFE! In know I will get angry responses as Iam jurbas angry with myself.

SR community who is battling with alcohol, cherish your wife or husband who puts up with you and before,
Think of them first more often, they really need you to be strong

don't go through the the guilt that I have right now.

She just said we will meet on Thursday. I think I will show her this letter.

Thankyou guys for reading, I really appreciate it. And Iam sorry

That was huge weight of my shoulders to make this public and to apologize.
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Old 09-19-2017, 04:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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This gulilt is from the small % of rationality Iam feeling at day 4 of sobriety.
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Old 09-19-2017, 05:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I am sorry you are going thru this, better sober up now before worst things happen or you really hurt someone. I would not show her this letter i would apologize and let her go she deserve some happiness and you need to fix your life. MS is a very serious progressive disease.

best of luck
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Old 09-19-2017, 05:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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We all suffer the consequences of our drinking. For some it fuels our recovery. For others, it just feeds our addiction.

I hope you are in the recover camp.
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Old 09-19-2017, 05:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sadly, I'm going through a similar situation. I was dating a girl and we were amazing together. We had so much fun and clicked. I loved her deeply, she loved me deeply. My drinking and explosive temper while drunk, made her re-evaluate those feelings for me, and she didn't love me anymore.

We tried to be friends, basically me showing her I can stop drinking, and be a better person, and I was successful for a couple of weeks. She wasn't able to find those feelings again for me.

I am plagued with so much guilt, and shame, and embarrassment, and especially regret.

It's these feelings that ultimately brought me here, and brought me to making sobriety a priority. It's been really damn hard, and I wish I could say I've been successful, but I'm back to Day 2 today, and I cut her out of my life completely now so I can move on.

I've learned a lot about myself and my future with drinking. I know I can't "just have a few" or control my drinking. It has to be gone if I ever want a family. So I'm trying, and struggling.

I'm sorry for where you are at now. You can't take any of it back, but an apology will of course mean a lot. If the relationship is over, learn from it, and make changes, so it doesn't happen again.

I'm certainly trying.

Good luck.
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Old 09-19-2017, 05:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You show a good level of wisdom, in knowing (and accepting) that your relationship is over, and she needs to be freed from this abuse. I think showing her this letter could be good, as it will at least allow her to see that you acknowledge what she is most likely feeling.

You should also expect that she may not want to hear any of it; that she may have steeled herself, and prepared for a battle. And you should just take it. She needs to be allowed to have her own blow up. Perhaps, after some sober time, you can attempt to converse again, and have closure.

I hope you're able to move past this, and take all the time you need to take care of yourself, to find recovery, to change your life and become sober.
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Old 09-19-2017, 07:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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This is tough to read. I hope it works out for the both of you, separately or not. My GF is still with me as I deal with the consequences of my latest dump decision . Depending on how the legal part of it turns out I could see her bailing. Which would leave me in the same position as you. It's one thing when our alcoholism takes away something from just us (as in, your single) but when it disrupts or ruins a relationship that felt so right and so strong, it might just be the most hurtful things to happen. I hope it makes you (and me) stronger in the end. Remember that this too shall pass, and not all is lost.
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Old 09-19-2017, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I really need some advice
"I think I will show her this letter."

bad move. words are empty. you can say how horrible ya feel but she doesnt deserve to hear empty words AGAIN. showing her these words isnt about what youve done and how youre going to correct it- its more saying,"see??? im sorry and feel like **** about how i acted so have some sympathy for me! see!! its not me its the alcohol that did it!"
on this
You have no idea of the guilt I'm going through right now.

welp, ya asked for advise,right? welp, youre not terminally unique nor is this situation.
i posted this recently in another thread:
at one time my fiance told me,"tom, when you sober, youre the most loving man i know. but when you drink you can be evil."
as alcoholism progressed it was,"tom, when youre sober youre the most loving man i know. but when ya drink youre nothing but evil."
which progressed to,'tom youre nothing but evil when youre drunk and its happening quite often when your sober,too.."

then the day after my last( to date) drunk, she told me,through tears, some of what i had done and said, then tossed me to the curb.

THE BEST move my fiance madefor both of us was to toss me to the curb.
toss me to the curb AND stick to it- she was, in her words,"done with your ********!" very good move on her part- i was only going to drag her down as far as she would let me.
THAT was the action necessary for me to get help getting sober FOR ME.
If she would have taken me back AGAIN, it would have been the same insanity and i have no idea how long that would have went on for.
i am 100% positive without a doubt certain that If she didnt toss my ass to the curb, EVERYTHING was going to get worse.
and there was a whole lot worse to go.

yup, my actions hurt like hell for some time and i felt like a POS,
but i started treating the underlying issues alcohol was just a symptom of.
i was able t see how and why i was who i was.
then make amends.
nope, we didnt get back together and im glad we didnt today.
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Old 09-19-2017, 08:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for this situation you are in, and I hope this works as an opportunity for you to make the major changes in your life that you need to make.
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Old 09-19-2017, 08:16 AM   #10 (permalink)
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As silly as this may sound, it was kind of a revelation to me after I'd been sober a little while that when I stopped doing the things I felt guilty about, I didn't feel guilty anymore.

I also learned that it was actions, not words that counted. It didn't matter how sorry I was, what was I doing to ensure it didn't happen again?
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Old 09-19-2017, 08:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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As per usual, what Carl said.
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Old 09-19-2017, 08:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I agree that words mean squat after a while. As to your anger while drunk... "hurt people;HURT people." You were/are angry at yourself,thus lashing out at others. I did it. Most,if not ALL, A's do it at some point. Focus on getting and staying sober,for yourself. The rest is up in the air and will fall where it may. It's not of your control. Only your not drinking is. Hang in there.
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Old 09-19-2017, 09:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I too destroyed a relationship with a woman with drinking about 13 years ago. I allowed it to continue to fuel my addiction. It crushed me.

I can understand the desire to make amends. I've never done it and it still eats at me today.

I agree that words are empty if you don't change the behavior and improve yourself.

Check out the movie Crazy Heart. It's about an alcoholic in a relationship with a woman.
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Old 09-19-2017, 09:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Use it as motivation to quit. Every time you think of drinking, think of how alcohol ruined your relationship with this girl... Ask yourself how many other relationships are you going to ruin if you decide to drink again?

That's what I would do.
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Old 09-19-2017, 09:28 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Check out the movie Crazy Heart. It's about an alcoholic in a relationship with a woman.
Had never heard of that movie.. I know what I'm watching tonight now!
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Old 09-19-2017, 10:06 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Thankyou everyone. All advice was really good.

Id like to think that it's all the alcohol, and I'd like to think that Iam a completely different person sober, sadly not really - that's the sad part that it was all me.

I'd probably be more emotionaly rational if I was forever sober, and thats what I want to achieve. God, so hard to believe to say "forever sober" ..but non is lost I have not caved in to thinking alcohol will help here, nor do I want it to numb my feelings.



One day at a time for everything. This situation and my drinking.
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Old 09-19-2017, 10:18 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Renvate View Post

God, so hard to believe to say "forever sober" .
with all the damage drinking has done, why is it hard to say that? still have a notion ya might be able to control it some day? thinkin about the good times you occasionally had?
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Old 09-19-2017, 10:21 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Man...I left such a wake of destruction from my drinking that I don't think I'll ever be able to make amends for them all. I am trying to though. Have you considered trying out AA? It's a hard walk through that door the first time,let me tell you,but it's worth it!
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Old 09-19-2017, 10:28 AM   #19 (permalink)
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You obviously need to focus on yourself. The relationship is over. Please let her go. She doesn't need to hear about how you are feeling and that you are sorry. That is only showing her that you are again only being selfish and want to feel better about what you have become. She doen't need to hear it. Put your energy into your journey of sobriety. You will find there are alot of things you have done that you will regret.
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Old 09-19-2017, 10:32 AM   #20 (permalink)
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with all the damage drinking has done, why is it hard to say that? still have a notion ya might be able to control it some day? thinkin about the good times you occasionally had?
You can Put me in chains and lock me up tomsteve. I could lie to you. But then that's counter productive for all of us. I had a craving , yes. It was the old "drown your pain" craving.

But I usually gave into it when I had no intentions to quit.

I just know that the journey is tough, And I just had 5 litres of beer offered to me and waved in my face by a relative, he showed up unexpected . But it's not happening and it didn't happen!

I want this badly, Iam even considering on seeing a therapist for my emotions and anger when I arrive back home. And Atm, I need some time to get used to the thought of AA being in my life.
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