Thankyou everyone. All advice was really good.
Id like to think that it's all the alcohol, and I'd like to think that Iam a completely different person sober, sadly not really - that's the sad part that it was all me.
I'd probably be more emotionaly rational if I was forever sober, and thats what I want to achieve. God, so hard to believe to say "forever sober" ..but non is lost I have not caved in to thinking alcohol will help here, nor do I want it to numb my feelings.
One day at a time for everything. This situation and my drinking.