Honesty
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Lava,
I read that your SO does not like any outside help and keeps to himself solving his problems etc.
Is that helpful for you though? From my own experience, getting a professionals perspective on issues has always helped me to see what I am going through in a different light.
I would not be too concerned as to what my SO thinks. No man is an island. We all need a little help every once in a while.
I read that your SO does not like any outside help and keeps to himself solving his problems etc.
Is that helpful for you though? From my own experience, getting a professionals perspective on issues has always helped me to see what I am going through in a different light.
I would not be too concerned as to what my SO thinks. No man is an island. We all need a little help every once in a while.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Kampala, Uganda
Posts: 327
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
Lava,
I read that your SO does not like any outside help and keeps to himself solving his problems etc.
Is that helpful for you though? From my own experience, getting a professionals perspective on issues has always helped me to see what I am going through in a different light.
I would not be too concerned as to what my SO thinks. No man is an island. We all need a little help every once in a while.
I read that your SO does not like any outside help and keeps to himself solving his problems etc.
Is that helpful for you though? From my own experience, getting a professionals perspective on issues has always helped me to see what I am going through in a different light.
I would not be too concerned as to what my SO thinks. No man is an island. We all need a little help every once in a while.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Lava, I feel like we have an uncanny amount in common.
Your marriage sounds like an absolute carbon copy of what mine was for 20 years.
It is a million times better now.
Your husband is just as miserable in the marriage as you are.
The only way to get sober and stay sober is to build yourself as a person. I don't mean just developing outside interests, though that's a part of it.
The important thing that will really help is for you to build yourself into someone dependable and excellent. Develop your character and virtues: kindness, gentleness, loyalty--and honesty.
Do you have a relationship with a higher power? Pray for strength, guidance, help, and wisdom--and pray that he would show his tender mercy to both you and your husband.
Ask him to help your marriage to become a marriage that brings him glory, for his sake.
Give up the booze and you will grow.
Perhaps the Lord will pave the way for you to go to a women's only AA meeting eventually.
But in the meantime, by becoming a better person he will appreciate and respect you more. It will make him relax more in your presence to know that you are capable of actually listening to him and hearing him instead of perpetually dreading the sight and sound of him.
Even if he doesn't change a bit himself at first, your becoming a kinder, more stable person will give him hope that maybe you guys could be on the same team, and not constantly at each other's throats.
Maybe I'm misreading your situation, but I really believe that you guys are almost identical to my husband and me.
It was a vicious circle. My husband was suspicious, constantly critical, and fanatically controlling--so I hated him and resisted him, feeling nothing that even remotely resembled love. Thus, he got more and more insecure--so the criticism, micromanagement, and jealousy increased.
When you get sober, if you improve your good character traits, you will like yourself better and you will not be so torn apart by criticism; and instead of withdrawing further, you will be able to treat him magnanimously like any other fellow human being. You yourself will become a less hostile person--and as you do, your husband will feel less like he is "forced" to lead you around like a rebellious child.
Genuine peace in your soul and dissipation of hatred in general will relieve him and be a pleasant surprise. With the inner strength that comes from Christ, your self-possession will lift a great burden from him.
My husband didn't realize he was not obliged to drag me around like an anchor until I got sober.
He feels so much freer now (and obviously so do I). He now treats me with much more kindness and generosity.
Getting sober and developing a deep relationship with your higher power won't guarantee that you will end up falling madly in love with your husband--but it does make marriage a lot more companionable and pleasant.
Your marriage sounds like an absolute carbon copy of what mine was for 20 years.
It is a million times better now.
Your husband is just as miserable in the marriage as you are.
The only way to get sober and stay sober is to build yourself as a person. I don't mean just developing outside interests, though that's a part of it.
The important thing that will really help is for you to build yourself into someone dependable and excellent. Develop your character and virtues: kindness, gentleness, loyalty--and honesty.
Do you have a relationship with a higher power? Pray for strength, guidance, help, and wisdom--and pray that he would show his tender mercy to both you and your husband.
Ask him to help your marriage to become a marriage that brings him glory, for his sake.
Give up the booze and you will grow.
Perhaps the Lord will pave the way for you to go to a women's only AA meeting eventually.
But in the meantime, by becoming a better person he will appreciate and respect you more. It will make him relax more in your presence to know that you are capable of actually listening to him and hearing him instead of perpetually dreading the sight and sound of him.
Even if he doesn't change a bit himself at first, your becoming a kinder, more stable person will give him hope that maybe you guys could be on the same team, and not constantly at each other's throats.
Maybe I'm misreading your situation, but I really believe that you guys are almost identical to my husband and me.
It was a vicious circle. My husband was suspicious, constantly critical, and fanatically controlling--so I hated him and resisted him, feeling nothing that even remotely resembled love. Thus, he got more and more insecure--so the criticism, micromanagement, and jealousy increased.
When you get sober, if you improve your good character traits, you will like yourself better and you will not be so torn apart by criticism; and instead of withdrawing further, you will be able to treat him magnanimously like any other fellow human being. You yourself will become a less hostile person--and as you do, your husband will feel less like he is "forced" to lead you around like a rebellious child.
Genuine peace in your soul and dissipation of hatred in general will relieve him and be a pleasant surprise. With the inner strength that comes from Christ, your self-possession will lift a great burden from him.
My husband didn't realize he was not obliged to drag me around like an anchor until I got sober.
He feels so much freer now (and obviously so do I). He now treats me with much more kindness and generosity.
Getting sober and developing a deep relationship with your higher power won't guarantee that you will end up falling madly in love with your husband--but it does make marriage a lot more companionable and pleasant.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Kampala, Uganda
Posts: 327
Originally Posted by Gilmer
Lava, I feel like we have an uncanny amount in common.
Your marriage sounds like an absolute carbon copy of what mine was for 20 years.
It is a million times better now.
Your husband is just as miserable in the marriage as you are.
The only way to get sober and stay sober is to build yourself as a person. I don't mean just developing outside interests, though that's a part of it.
The important thing that will really help is for you to build yourself into someone dependable and excellent. Develop your character and virtues: kindness, gentleness, loyalty--and honesty.
Do you have a relationship with a higher power? Pray for strength, guidance, help, and wisdom--and pray that he would show his tender mercy to both you and your husband.
Ask him to help your marriage to become a marriage that brings him glory, for his sake.
Give up the booze and you will grow.
Perhaps the Lord will pave the way for you to go to a women's only AA meeting eventually.
But in the meantime, by becoming a better person he will appreciate and respect you more. It will make him relax more in your presence to know that you are capable of actually listening to him and hearing him instead of perpetually dreading the sight and sound of him.
Even if he doesn't change a bit himself at first, your becoming a kinder, more stable person will give him hope that maybe you guys could be on the same team, and not constantly at each other's throats.
Maybe I'm misreading your situation, but I really believe that you guys are almost identical to my husband and me.
It was a vicious circle. My husband was suspicious, constantly critical, and fanatically controlling--so I hated him and resisted him, feeling nothing that even remotely resembled love. Thus, he got more and more insecure--so the criticism, micromanagement, and jealousy increased.
When you get sober, if you improve your good character traits, you will like yourself better and you will not be so torn apart by criticism; and instead of withdrawing further, you will be able to treat him magnanimously like any other fellow human being. You yourself will become a less hostile person--and as you do, your husband will feel less like he is "forced" to lead you around like a rebellious child.
Genuine peace in your soul and dissipation of hatred in general will relieve him and be a pleasant surprise. With the inner strength that comes from Christ, your self-possession will lift a great burden from him.
My husband didn't realize he was not obliged to drag me around like an anchor until I got sober.
He feels so much freer now (and obviously so do I). He now treats me with much more kindness and generosity.
Getting sober and developing a deep relationship with your higher power won't guarantee that you will end up falling madly in love with your husband--but it does make marriage a lot more companionable and pleasant.
Your marriage sounds like an absolute carbon copy of what mine was for 20 years.
It is a million times better now.
Your husband is just as miserable in the marriage as you are.
The only way to get sober and stay sober is to build yourself as a person. I don't mean just developing outside interests, though that's a part of it.
The important thing that will really help is for you to build yourself into someone dependable and excellent. Develop your character and virtues: kindness, gentleness, loyalty--and honesty.
Do you have a relationship with a higher power? Pray for strength, guidance, help, and wisdom--and pray that he would show his tender mercy to both you and your husband.
Ask him to help your marriage to become a marriage that brings him glory, for his sake.
Give up the booze and you will grow.
Perhaps the Lord will pave the way for you to go to a women's only AA meeting eventually.
But in the meantime, by becoming a better person he will appreciate and respect you more. It will make him relax more in your presence to know that you are capable of actually listening to him and hearing him instead of perpetually dreading the sight and sound of him.
Even if he doesn't change a bit himself at first, your becoming a kinder, more stable person will give him hope that maybe you guys could be on the same team, and not constantly at each other's throats.
Maybe I'm misreading your situation, but I really believe that you guys are almost identical to my husband and me.
It was a vicious circle. My husband was suspicious, constantly critical, and fanatically controlling--so I hated him and resisted him, feeling nothing that even remotely resembled love. Thus, he got more and more insecure--so the criticism, micromanagement, and jealousy increased.
When you get sober, if you improve your good character traits, you will like yourself better and you will not be so torn apart by criticism; and instead of withdrawing further, you will be able to treat him magnanimously like any other fellow human being. You yourself will become a less hostile person--and as you do, your husband will feel less like he is "forced" to lead you around like a rebellious child.
Genuine peace in your soul and dissipation of hatred in general will relieve him and be a pleasant surprise. With the inner strength that comes from Christ, your self-possession will lift a great burden from him.
My husband didn't realize he was not obliged to drag me around like an anchor until I got sober.
He feels so much freer now (and obviously so do I). He now treats me with much more kindness and generosity.
Getting sober and developing a deep relationship with your higher power won't guarantee that you will end up falling madly in love with your husband--but it does make marriage a lot more companionable and pleasant.
I am going to give this my best shot. I have resigned myself to doing it using SR and other resources which are easily available to me. I will not worry about not being in AA for now. I am going to work hard at getting and staying sober. Then I can become a better person, a better mother and a better wife. In time, like you said, my husband may change and loosen up a bit.
I do believe in God and I have started praying a lot more lately.
Thank you again, Gil. If I ever need a mood boost, I will come back to this post and read what you said.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I do hope that you give yourself a chance to see who you are without alcohol. I also hope that you can stand your ground of knowing what is good for you (as in therapy and other forms of outside help) and not let your husband influence you because he acts as if he is an Island.
I think we can all get caught up in routines and ways of being without seeing that those ways may no longer serve us. For me, alcohol only served the purpose of making my life a mess and keeping me emotionally unstable. Alcohol produced more problems for me than I could actually solve in my life. So, I put down the alcohol and walked away. Its been the best decision I have made in years.
Keep moving forward and keep your resolve. You have a life to live and it should be beautiful. If you are not living the life you want, start now to create and build on it. The rewards are endless.
I think we can all get caught up in routines and ways of being without seeing that those ways may no longer serve us. For me, alcohol only served the purpose of making my life a mess and keeping me emotionally unstable. Alcohol produced more problems for me than I could actually solve in my life. So, I put down the alcohol and walked away. Its been the best decision I have made in years.
Keep moving forward and keep your resolve. You have a life to live and it should be beautiful. If you are not living the life you want, start now to create and build on it. The rewards are endless.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Hi, Lava.
The only assistance I used while becoming sober was SR.
The local women's AA meeting was not a good fit for me, and my husband absolutely did not want me driving all over the countryside to find another.
The support here has been tremendous.
My husband is definitely not keen on my being on SR, because he can't ascertain exactly whom I'm associating with; but he grudgingly allows it, because he can see the benefits from it in my home life.
As you get help here and grow, you'll find yourself giving good help and support to others.
I just have to guard against SR being a higher priority to me than he is. Thus, I dedicate my evenings to him (unless he's doing something else, which he frequently is). I never blow him off in favor of SR--I make sure he doesn't see it as a threat.
One thing I should clarify: when you get sober, you don't become a completely different person; but you'll have much greater control of your bad tendencies.
Likewise, even though my husband's death grip has lessened, his basic personality has not: he is still extremely controlling and suspicious (in every sphere of life, not just with me).
But we are able to enjoy and appreciate each other much better now that I'm sober.
The only assistance I used while becoming sober was SR.
The local women's AA meeting was not a good fit for me, and my husband absolutely did not want me driving all over the countryside to find another.
The support here has been tremendous.
My husband is definitely not keen on my being on SR, because he can't ascertain exactly whom I'm associating with; but he grudgingly allows it, because he can see the benefits from it in my home life.
As you get help here and grow, you'll find yourself giving good help and support to others.
I just have to guard against SR being a higher priority to me than he is. Thus, I dedicate my evenings to him (unless he's doing something else, which he frequently is). I never blow him off in favor of SR--I make sure he doesn't see it as a threat.
One thing I should clarify: when you get sober, you don't become a completely different person; but you'll have much greater control of your bad tendencies.
Likewise, even though my husband's death grip has lessened, his basic personality has not: he is still extremely controlling and suspicious (in every sphere of life, not just with me).
But we are able to enjoy and appreciate each other much better now that I'm sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Lava,
Welcome to SR! I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now, but very glad you posted. It took courage to be so honest, and that is a great first step.
I agree with everyone above about starting out by getting sober. This forum was a great resource for me. Check out the July of 2017 class to give you a group of others who have also committed or recommitted to recovery this month. Another great place is the 24 hour thread where you can check in each day.
Here is a link that Dee posts about having a recovery plan, there is some great info there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Once you have some sober time under your belt you will be able to examine your marriage with a clear mind, and make decisions that are best for you.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!'
❤️Delilah
Welcome to SR! I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now, but very glad you posted. It took courage to be so honest, and that is a great first step.
I agree with everyone above about starting out by getting sober. This forum was a great resource for me. Check out the July of 2017 class to give you a group of others who have also committed or recommitted to recovery this month. Another great place is the 24 hour thread where you can check in each day.
Here is a link that Dee posts about having a recovery plan, there is some great info there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Once you have some sober time under your belt you will be able to examine your marriage with a clear mind, and make decisions that are best for you.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!'
❤️Delilah
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