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Old 06-29-2017, 02:04 AM
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Honesty

A few weeks ago, a lady posted here about her son who was in recovery but couldn't stop his pathological lying and that she was thinking of staying away from him and was conflicted. I can't imagine how she is now but, that post struck a cord with me because I am a pathological liar.

While I don't volunteer lies, I hide truths all the time. I lie by omission. I've been lying to you all here on SR, and I just don't know why. I feel like if I came out and told the truth, I'll be admitting to being such a huge failure. So I have been coming on here rather infrequently.

Unfortunately, I have been drinking and blacking out every night. My relationship with my husband is rather strained. To be honest, he stresses me out so much. I can't seem to be happy or feel happy with him. I'm always walking on eggshells around him to avoid making him angry or suspicious (unfortunate history of infidelity on my part - i've since learned from my mistakes but he is very controlling naturally and I have no breathing space whatsoever). I don't know how to fix things so i'm sort of resigning myself to living life like it is. I don't want to make him seem like a bad person; he is a good provider and very involved with our son and very committed to us. I just don't really have a life outside of him and our son (perhaps that's selfish of me to want). So I don't socialize at all independent of him. He clearly doesn't trust me and there's nothing I can do to change that. As a result, I hide a lot of things from him. Even just the fact that i'm on SR or that I had started going to AA (since stopped because I felt it was too much of a double life if I wasn't going to tell him about it). He wouldn't understand, trust me. He is very irrational when it comes to anything I do that does not involve him.

Of course, my alcoholism only makes things worse. Last night we had a conversation in which he complained about my behaviour towards him 2 nights ago. I honestly don't remember that happening. I was in a black out. I am a very bad drunk and I pick fights and provoke and argue and insult when I am drunk so it must have been the case then. I did not bother prodding him for details. I simply apologized and that, perhaps, made him feel better.

I'm tired of waking up every morning not knowing how I got into bed the previous night.... Not wanting to open my eyes because i'm hangover and can't stand the light. I hate the taste of alcohol in my mouth in the morning. I want to live healthy. I just don't know how to deal with all the other stressors in my life. My husband is unlikely to change and I'm currently unwilling to leave him, so that's not really an option. I feel apathetic towards our relationship. I just go through the motions. Marriage counseling is out for us because he definitely would not go. I feel stuck. I am stuck.

Anyway, depressing post but thought i'd share and come clean. I'm not even on day zero.... I don't know what i'm doing.
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Old 06-29-2017, 02:38 AM
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A lot of things wound into this post.

Good for you, taking the step of getting honest.

If you're ready to do whatever it takes to be sober, then all of these issues can be worked through.

They ALL begin with SOBRIETY.

EVERYTHING else you shared is influenced by or directly because of your alcohol problem.
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Old 06-29-2017, 03:13 AM
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Hi Lava

I think most of us here can identify with a life of lying and hiding.

I really think the first step to sorting any life out is to stop drinking.

we're here for encouragement and support - I really believe you can do this

D
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Old 06-29-2017, 03:51 AM
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I am sorry you are in pain. You say you aren't honest, but there was stark, courageous honesty in this post.

Yes, it seems that alcohol is the only coping mechanism to stressors sometimes. Sounds trite, but so true. . .it really only makes things worse. We can realize this, but doing something about it takes guts.

I hear guts in your post. It is time to try something new, as the status quo is not working. You can't change the past, but your present and future. Although that might not seem the case, it is the beautiful thing about working towards recovery. You have a chance to make changes. It is a matter of choice and commitment. You can do it.
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:29 AM
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I tend to agree with what FreeOwl said, it all starts with quitting the boozing. I know it sounds tired and cliche, but its true. The saying is "there is nothing alcohol won't make worse"....and I believe it to be true. You need a clear and free mind to start to unravel the current situation. The trust issue is huge, and its not going to come back while your actively drinking. And even when you quit it may take a long time. Be prepared for that. Wish you the best.
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:34 AM
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What you've all said is true. Staying away from the alcohol will, at the very least, rid me of one of my problems (a major one at that). I should really start there and then maybe I will be able to figure out the rest.

I'm just so sad when I look at my life right now. When I read through my post above i'm drawn to tears. It's like i'm looking at my little sister going through what i'm going through and my heart breaks for her and I wish I could just swoop in and save that person. Save myself. Tell myself that it's going to be OK and that things will work out and everybody will be happy. And I was never sad before. Angry at my husband, yes. Disappointed with myself, yes. Stressed, depressed, confused, definitely. But now it's just a deep and heavy sadness. I'm realising that i've made a true and utter mess of my life and that it didn't have to be this way. I've had so many options, opportunities and chances. I have nobody to blame but myself.
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:38 AM
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Hi, Lava. Welcome.
Nothing is helped by drinking. I would start there.
Drinking numbs us and takes our pain away for a while, but it doesn't solve anything.
Peace.
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:40 AM
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Its never too late to start work on Chapter Two

D
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
I tend to agree with what FreeOwl said, it all starts with quitting the boozing. I know it sounds tired and cliche, but its true. The saying is "there is nothing alcohol won't make worse"....and I believe it to be true. You need a clear and free mind to start to unravel the current situation. The trust issue is huge, and its not going to come back while your actively drinking. And even when you quit it may take a long time. Be prepared for that. Wish you the best.
I've made peace (as much as possible) with the fact that the trust may never be regained even. However, is that a way to live? Plus, the trust is one thing. He has always been super controlling, even way before the infidelity. Now that has been amped up and he has become irrational and paranoid to the point that I can't even so much as talk (say at a party) to a man for more than a minute. It only leads to endless interrogation and accusation of me flirting. I'm seriously exhausted and saddened by it. I would never cheat on him again but I know he has no concrete way of knowing that. To be honest, at the time it happened, I was in a very bad and warped state of mind that I now have truly overcome and definitely not going back to. It is not an intrinsic flaw within me. But, again, there's no convincing him of that so i'm (we're) back to being stuck. Me hiding every little thing to avoid suspicion which would just lead him to start monitoring me like i'm a child.

OK. Enough with this infidelity issue. I'm not trying to convince you guys that i'm good and a changed person. It's just so frustrating living the way I live and I know I could've made better choices to avoid my current situation. I'm sorry for the tirade.
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Old 06-29-2017, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Lava256 View Post
I've made peace (as much as possible) with the fact that the trust may never be regained even. However, is that a way to live? Plus, the trust is one thing. He has always been super controlling, even way before the infidelity. Now that has been amped up and he has become irrational and paranoid to the point that I can't even so much as talk (say at a party) to a man for more than a minute. It only leads to endless interrogation and accusation of me flirting. I'm seriously exhausted and saddened by it. I would never cheat on him again but I know he has no concrete way of knowing that. To be honest, at the time it happened, I was in a very bad and warped state of mind that I now have truly overcome and definitely not going back to. It is not an intrinsic flaw within me. But, again, there's no convincing him of that so i'm (we're) back to being stuck. Me hiding every little thing to avoid suspicion which would just lead him to start monitoring me like i'm a child.

OK. Enough with this infidelity issue. I'm not trying to convince you guys that i'm good and a changed person. It's just so frustrating living the way I live and I know I could've made better choices to avoid my current situation. I'm sorry for the tirade.
So based on your description, there are other qualities your husband has that make your life miserable. You may find once you get some serious sober time under your belt and you are strong, that you want to move on and create a better life for yourself. Not saying its going to happen, but if you read enough around this site, many marriages don't make it after one sobers up. Just something to think about.
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Old 06-29-2017, 06:11 AM
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Thank you for the honest post, Lava256.
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Old 06-29-2017, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
So based on your description, there are other qualities your husband has that make your life miserable. You may find once you get some serious sober time under your belt and you are strong, that you want to move on and create a better life for yourself. Not saying its going to happen, but if you read enough around this site, many marriages don't make it after one sobers up. Just something to think about.
Yes. Part of why I am unwilling to consider leaving him is because I am looking at the relationship through drunk eyes. I know it seems unfair to imagine that I may be 'stringing him along' just to dump him when I'm stronger. From our conversations (my husband and I), however, that seems to be unlikely to happen. I can't be completely sure but there is a threatening undertone in a lot that he says that makes me feel like I don't have a choice but to stick it out. Remember though, I am the alcoholic and I've wreaked havoc in his life enough already so i'm just wondering if I deserve to be feeling the way i'm feeling. It's just so complicated. The best way to sum it up, and I have, thankfully, had this realisation for a while now, is that I started a relationship with him without really knowing myself. If I had met him when I was in a better, more mature place in my life, I highly doubt I would have carried it on. Sounds bad and sad and unfair to him, I know. I do care for him but we don't have a normal relationship at all. Tbh, we don't talk much anymore.... Or I don't talk to him anymore because almost EVERYTHING I say, any information I volunteer, leads to some sort of criticism or is unappreciated or misconstrued. Yet on my part, I encourage him and am always positive and reinforcing of what he does. I just learned that it's better to keep most things to myself if I want to avoid being disappointed or hurt, which inevitably leads to drinking. I will say that I had a drinking problem way before I met him so that's definitely all on me.
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Old 06-29-2017, 07:00 AM
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I do not see that you are a pathological liar. If this is your concern, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist about your perceived problem. That being said, there seems to be more going on in your life and there are quite a few reasons as to why you would "hide" the truth or truths from individuals.

Getting sober will really give you the strength necessary to tackle the issues that you are dealing with. As you know, sobriety is not easy but it comes with rewards that are endless. Once sober you can actually see the truth for what it is as you are not masking the problem any longer. Clear thinking, heart and soul seem to be required here.

Personally, I can understand why you would not tell this forum that you have been drinking. The guilt you feel and possibly shame is enough to keep someone in a place of omitting the truth.

No one is here to judge you. No one will tell you anything other than "What are you going to do to get sober? How can we assist you and I am sorry that you are struggling so much".

The dynamic between your husband and you sounds like a very tricky place to be in. From what I have read, he seems to have more control over the situation than one person should. His trust issues are valid but the way a person goes about expressing their trust issues can really damage an already fragile relationship.

It is good that you are taking the steps necessary to get honest with yourself and honest with this forum. In time, you will be able to get honest in all areas of your life.

I hear that you are unhappy. I hear that there is a lot of change on the horizon. I dont hear a pathological liar. I hear someone who is hurt from their own actions and someone who is realizing and gaining some perspective on their situation. Getting sober needs to be the first step that is taken.

We are here for you.
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Old 06-29-2017, 01:38 PM
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Hugs to you. I recognise a lot of how and where I was at the start of my journey in your post. I too could not bring myself to be honest, and hid behind half truths. Even to my counsellor. Pointless hey?!

You say you're going to AA now. Hopefully you will find a sponsor and work the steps. Then the promises can start materialising for you - and they do! They really do! (But just just from sitting in meetings). Things can get better. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I found recovery at times to be a little like a tide creeping in while my attention was elsewhere.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB xx
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Old 06-29-2017, 04:02 PM
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Thank you for such an honest post Lava.

It seems that something pretty fundamental has broken down if he would not let you attend AA as I would have thought your health should be important to him.

I agree with what others have said here in that you really need to stop drinking, for your physical health obviously and for your relationship situation. I suspect that if you got a decent amount of sober time you would be in a position to alter the dynamic of your marriage for the better.
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Old 06-30-2017, 01:07 AM
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Thank you all for your kind responses and encouragement and understanding.

Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
It seems that something pretty fundamental has broken down if he would not let you attend AA as I would have thought your health should be important to him.
While I have not come out and talked to him about wanting to do AA (lying by omission) I honestly believe it would be a lost cause to do so. I commented in the past how he has this attitude that seeking help from outside oneself is a show of weakness. Same goes for my own individual therapy (if I should ever want to do it) and marriage counseling (if I should ever suggest it). He strongly is against such things. He doesn't even believe in sharing one's problems with a close friend or family. He handles all his issues himself and it works for him. But i'm not like him so I suffer quietly. Actually, what would happen if I was to mention any of the above would be an argument, criticism and accusations. So I'd just rather not go there. He's not the kind of guy to even hear you out and then voice his objections calmly. He gets loud, accusatory and demeaning and I end up being frustrated. Everything has to be his way.

Anyway, this is a lot. I honestly believe individual therapy would do me a ton of good. I have many personal issues to deal with, including the compulsive lying (which I do believe is a real problem). How to wing that though, is a different issue. But I am thinking about it.

I should try meditation. And use more tools here on SR too. The gratitude list, for one, and a solid recovery plan. As I begin to be more proactive in my life, I hope to start seeing things more clearly and be able to make more positive decisions for my future.

Again, thanks everyone.
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Old 06-30-2017, 01:49 AM
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Hi Lava. First of all I can imagine that starting this thread took a lot of guts and I saw it as a really honest attempt at putting some truth out there so please be proud of that first step.
It is so difficult it to get honesty in your life and to even begin to think rationally about relationships or indeed anything whilst you are still drinking. Perhaps a good start is to pledge to be utterly honest HERE. Trust me there is nothing you can post that would remotely shock anyone here. In the past I've covered up my drinking even here on SR but think about it. What is the point of that? It ends up just being an extension of social media.....something to fill the time and make us feel less lonely. But to my mind I see SR as a community of people supporting another in order to live a happy and sober life. You don't need to put the fake sheen of "I'm okay" here. Quite simply it won't help you one bit.
I also did some pretty low things whilst still drinking including some pretty questionable online flirting on dating websites (see there's always someone else here who can idemtify). I have a partner and he found out and we had a pretty rough patch. He (like your husband I suspect) was like a wounded animal and it made him very angry. Yet I convinced myself that he was as much in the wrong as he was also very controlling and paranoid. Again alcoholism resulted in this behaviour by me and also convinced me that I "couldn't help it" coz I was drunk. Just one example of the chaos and hell of active addiction.
I guess what I'm trying to say it that it all starts with acceptance, honesty and work. Your husband is wounded and it will take time for you to heal as a couple but one thing is for sure it will only get much much worse if you keep drinking.
You've taken a great first step by opening up Lava so now it's time to get honest with yourself about your drinking and make that your utter number 1 priority. Nothing else matters for now.
I identify with you more than you know so I wish you well and please keep posting. Pledge each 24 hours on the 24 hour thread. Join a class. You are worth it! ❤❤❤
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Old 06-30-2017, 02:27 AM
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Originally Posted by joandmelandhan View Post
Perhaps a good start is to pledge to be utterly honest HERE. Trust me there is nothing you can post that would remotely shock anyone here. In the past I've covered up my drinking even here on SR but think about it. What is the point of that? It ends up just being an extension of social media.....something to fill the time and make us feel less lonely. But to my mind I see SR as a community of people supporting another in order to live a happy and sober life. You don't need to put the fake sheen of "I'm okay" here. Quite simply it won't help you one bit.
That was exactly what prompted me to come out and tell the truth yesterday. Before that, i'd come on SR, read a few threads, comment here and there, sign out and go back home and drink everyday. Of course I felt guilty. Plus, I really didn't want to actively come back here while still drinking because it can be a trigger for some people and, having quit before, I know I can do it again. So what am I waiting for? A disaster to happen? God forbid. Or to hit rock bottom? Plus, I know that tapering off or monitoring my intake in a bid to reduce how much I drink would be impossible. Once I start, I don't stop till I've blacked out or fallen asleep.

Yesterday, while watching a movie in which a bartender was preparing a shot for a client, my mind wandered back to when I first started drinking (I was 20 years old). My then boyfriend was a big drinker and introduced me to the flaming sambuca shot. While I drank it out of curiosity, I felt no urge at all to keep drinking it nor even to indulge in any other alcohol. Wow, boy do I miss the purity of my soul and spirit back then!
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Old 06-30-2017, 04:32 AM
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I'm sorry to read this as it's evident that you are going through it.
Why not just put the drink down and take it one day at a time?
Perhaps go to Women's AA mtgs.?
Only time will ease his mind about infidelity. Nothing will change his controlling nature...
How about not going to parties and dating each other again? Sober.
Just suggestions.
The main objective is to stop drinking. You cannot figure everything out at once. None of us can...but my understanding is that with time, things sort out easier.
Just breathe hon!
Good luck and big hug,
Jules
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Old 06-30-2017, 04:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Jules714 View Post
I'm sorry to read this as it's evident that you are going through it.
Why not just put the drink down and take it one day at a time?
Perhaps go to Women's AA mtgs.?
Only time will ease his mind about infidelity. Nothing will change his controlling nature...
How about not going to parties and dating each other again? Sober.
Just suggestions.
The main objective is to stop drinking. You cannot figure everything out at once. None of us can...but my understanding is that with time, things sort out easier.
Just breathe hon!
Good luck and big hug,
Jules
Thanks Jules..

I have, on several occasions, thought about how great it would be to start afresh... Like just start dating again and perhaps rediscover what we've forgotten or what has been covered up by all the murk. And, of course, to do this properly, i'd have to be sober. I'm not sure he'd like the 'new' me, though. Normally, i'm outspoken about things I feel passionate about and in the beginning of our relationship, we used to have heated, but healthy, arguments about things. However, over the years, this dynamic has changed and any argument we have, even if it starts as a civil discussion, ends rather poorly. He likes things his way or no way and I've learned not to argue or present an opposing opinion anymore. I have peace of mind this way. Plus, like I said before, i'm a bad drunk and everything I feel is heightened when i'm high.... So, no hot discussions for me and him for the moment.

So, we may not really like each other much if we were to start dating, lol. (I have to laugh because it does really sound weird). However, perhaps with some sober days under my belt, I may see things differently. One day at a time.
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