Alone and scared, I don't want to drink anymore
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Welcome Lulu, you have landed on safe ground here on SR. You no longer need to live your life this way, you can find freedom from alcohol, as huge numbers of us here have.
Please keep posting, reading, ask questions. There are so many hands open here on SR, offering to lead and guide you towards an alcohol-free life.
YOU can DO this, stop drinking, for good, feel healthy and free from addiction!
Please keep posting, reading, ask questions. There are so many hands open here on SR, offering to lead and guide you towards an alcohol-free life.
YOU can DO this, stop drinking, for good, feel healthy and free from addiction!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by LuLuBovary 
I feel like I am going to die from alcohol abuse. I couldn't go to work today and I'm praying I don't get fired. I'm very sick and need help.
Also believe me when I tell you it gets better, but it will take effort by you to make it happen. I waited 25 years to wake up one morning and discover God had miracled away my desire for drink overnight.
It never happened.
But when I worked for it things got a lot better.
Help is available. Reach out for it. What's your next step?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
I had to go to Urgent Care today for IV liquids, I was so dehydrated and sick. Brushing my teeth I started gagging and realized that this madness has to stop. The last drink was Tuesday, and emptied the tequila down the sink. I truly am physically alone and very sad all the time. I started drinking before work too and then continued throughout the day, trying to maintain normalcy. Someone had to have known at one point or another. But that is the least of my worries. I moved here to Texas over a year ago all alone and left California I think because I was blaming everything that was happening in my life on others. I lost family members, and I only have one friend out here. I have located an AA place and plan to force myself to go, to meet people who can help and be a friend. I'm very sad right now and I don't want to cry, but cannot help it. I'm so lonely it is unbearable at times. Thanks for all the posts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Kampala, Uganda
Posts: 327
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
Believe me when I tell you I have been there and done that.
Also believe me when I tell you it gets better, but it will take effort by you to make it happen. I waited 25 years to wake up one morning and discover God had miracled away my desire for drink overnight.
It never happened.
But when I worked for it things got a lot better.
Help is available. Reach out for it. What's your next step?
Also believe me when I tell you it gets better, but it will take effort by you to make it happen. I waited 25 years to wake up one morning and discover God had miracled away my desire for drink overnight.
It never happened.
But when I worked for it things got a lot better.
Help is available. Reach out for it. What's your next step?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Kampala, Uganda
Posts: 327
Originally Posted by LuLuBovary
I had to go to Urgent Care today for IV liquids, I was so dehydrated and sick. Brushing my teeth I started gagging and realized that this madness has to stop. The last drink was Tuesday, and emptied the tequila down the sink. I truly am physically alone and very sad all the time. I started drinking before work too and then continued throughout the day, trying to maintain normalcy. Someone had to have known at one point or another. But that is the least of my worries. I moved here to Texas over a year ago all alone and left California I think because I was blaming everything that was happening in my life on others. I lost family members, and I only have one friend out here. I have located an AA place and plan to force myself to go, to meet people who can help and be a friend. I'm very sad right now and I don't want to cry, but cannot help it. I'm so lonely it is unbearable at times. Thanks for all the posts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LuLuBovary
I had to go to Urgent Care today for IV liquids, I was so dehydrated and sick. Brushing my teeth I started gagging and realized that this madness has to stop. The last drink was Tuesday, and emptied the tequila down the sink. I truly am physically alone and very sad all the time. I started drinking before work too and then continued throughout the day, trying to maintain normalcy. Someone had to have known at one point or another. But that is the least of my worries. I moved here to Texas over a year ago all alone and left California I think because I was blaming everything that was happening in my life on others. I lost family members, and I only have one friend out here. I have located an AA place and plan to force myself to go, to meet people who can help and be a friend. I'm very sad right now and I don't want to cry, but cannot help it. I'm so lonely it is unbearable at times. Thanks for all the posts.
At your first meeting you won't have to do or say anything. You can just sit and let it wash over you. At least for that hour or so you will, be safe and not drinking. I found my first meetings very emotional - just listening to people who seemed to feel the same as me and had experiences similar to mine, when I'd always felt a bit alien I suppose. It was a bit overwhelming, and this is quite common, so take some tissues with you just in case. Let us know how you get on when you go.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
Posts: 521
Hey Lulu, welcome to SR...a great place to be when dealing with this curse called alcoholism.
I used alcohol to medicate my anxiety issues for years, when it all came crashing down back in late 2014 I was in a similar place to you mentally. Couldn't sleep, felt bad physically, worried about literally everything that popped into my head.
What I will say is that going sober (and yes I've struggled a bit since that time it thankfully I've trended in the right direction) has been such a good thing for me. It takes time but is really worth it.
Hang in there and post often!
I used alcohol to medicate my anxiety issues for years, when it all came crashing down back in late 2014 I was in a similar place to you mentally. Couldn't sleep, felt bad physically, worried about literally everything that popped into my head.
What I will say is that going sober (and yes I've struggled a bit since that time it thankfully I've trended in the right direction) has been such a good thing for me. It takes time but is really worth it.
Hang in there and post often!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Cried the whole way home from work. I was going to go to an AA meeting, I showered and got ready, but found myself cleaning my place...and need to clean more tomorrow. The messy home sure does tell a story. There are 2 discussion groups tomorrow. I'll at least go to one. Feeling empty and confused....but glad I made it through the day sober. 3rd day and I feel horrible and still feeling sick. I was embarrassed to go into work today cause in my mind I thought they all knew exactly why I was out 2 days. Praying I didn't cause any serious damage to my body. I stink even though I showered. I'd like to be happy someday, it just doesn't seem possible at this moment. Unable to get into a chat room here, the Java isn't working. Frustrating...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm sorry about the chat roon Lulu but there's not much you or I can do about that....you do have these forums tho - and I really encourage you to use them...post as much as you need to.
D
D
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
I'm glad to hear that you are still sober. I can sympathize with much of what you are saying here. I don't want to use your thread to tell my story, but the shame, anxiety, the frustration at things not lining up perfectly, the stink of detoxing that pours out of us, and the feeling that I could never be happy again, these are all things that I put myself through too many times to count. But the important thing is, you're sober, and you're reaching out here. Every time I sobered up after a terrible and humiliating bender, I had the need to clean my house. It made me feel better somehow to clean away the nastiness in at least one part of my life. But, I'm still sober, and happiness is still out here in the world for all of us.
If the chat here isn't working, keep posting on here. Send private messages to people who responded to your thread. Go to the Smart Recovery website and register and use their chat. Do whatever you need to do to reach out to sober people, especially right now.
And of course, stay hydrated and eat healthy food to replenish what your body lost from drinking.
Great job on day three, and keep up the amazing work! I look forward to reading about your journey on here.
If the chat here isn't working, keep posting on here. Send private messages to people who responded to your thread. Go to the Smart Recovery website and register and use their chat. Do whatever you need to do to reach out to sober people, especially right now.
And of course, stay hydrated and eat healthy food to replenish what your body lost from drinking.
Great job on day three, and keep up the amazing work! I look forward to reading about your journey on here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
I'm getting too old to keep relapsing too. I especially do not want to wake up in 10 years drinking. Feeling like hell right now. It's way too late for me to be up and my head is pounding. Gonna try and sleep...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hey Lulu.
I'd forgotten til you mentioned, but I remember feeling like everyone could smell me as well. Maybe treat yourself to some nice scented bath oils and have a lovely long bubbly soak before bed. Esp while you're struggling to sleep as it could help you to relax.
I also went on a tidy up frenzy. Partly trying to get a sense of order into a life that had become chaotic due to years and years of alcohol taking priority. (If my fridge never has to look or smell or be host to so many alien life forms again, that will be an achievement indeed - nowadays is generally fresh, clean and has edible, in-date food in there, which I then get around to eating. Simple pleasures eh!).
Thing is, looking back, the tidy up frenzy was more than that for me. It was something that I was doing to help me ignore the fear and panic that was gripping me. It took me a month of this before I finally got to my first meeting. I found myself sitting in a clean house, being rocked by the fear of facing my inner muck and mire that I had, over the years, become entrenched in. Hating myself for some of the horrible things I'd said and done, and how I'd neglected relationships and hurt others. My finances left me breathless with panic. And I was attacked side-on with waves (tsunami sized ones) of self-pity that I was ashamed of, but nevertheless they left me sobbing and completely debilitated.
I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gone along to some meetings at this point. If i hasn't managed to get some hope from somewhere (meetings and this place) that I wouldn't be stuck where I was forever. That other people had experienced what I had, and felt as I had, and managed to learn to live (happily) without alcohol, and recover themselves and get free of the fear and shame and chaos. Please, do go get yourself some hope at that meeting today. And some more tomorrow. A few hours off the cleaning won't make so much difference, but a couple of hours gathering hope just might.
Hugs to you. Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
I'd forgotten til you mentioned, but I remember feeling like everyone could smell me as well. Maybe treat yourself to some nice scented bath oils and have a lovely long bubbly soak before bed. Esp while you're struggling to sleep as it could help you to relax.
I also went on a tidy up frenzy. Partly trying to get a sense of order into a life that had become chaotic due to years and years of alcohol taking priority. (If my fridge never has to look or smell or be host to so many alien life forms again, that will be an achievement indeed - nowadays is generally fresh, clean and has edible, in-date food in there, which I then get around to eating. Simple pleasures eh!).
Thing is, looking back, the tidy up frenzy was more than that for me. It was something that I was doing to help me ignore the fear and panic that was gripping me. It took me a month of this before I finally got to my first meeting. I found myself sitting in a clean house, being rocked by the fear of facing my inner muck and mire that I had, over the years, become entrenched in. Hating myself for some of the horrible things I'd said and done, and how I'd neglected relationships and hurt others. My finances left me breathless with panic. And I was attacked side-on with waves (tsunami sized ones) of self-pity that I was ashamed of, but nevertheless they left me sobbing and completely debilitated.
I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't gone along to some meetings at this point. If i hasn't managed to get some hope from somewhere (meetings and this place) that I wouldn't be stuck where I was forever. That other people had experienced what I had, and felt as I had, and managed to learn to live (happily) without alcohol, and recover themselves and get free of the fear and shame and chaos. Please, do go get yourself some hope at that meeting today. And some more tomorrow. A few hours off the cleaning won't make so much difference, but a couple of hours gathering hope just might.
Hugs to you. Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
(----Quote from Berrybean - "Thing is, looking back, the tidy up frenzy was more than that for me. It was something that I was doing to help me ignore the fear and panic that was gripping me. It took me a month of this before I finally got to my first meeting. I found myself sitting in a clean house, being rocked by the fear of facing my inner muck and mire that I had, over the years, become entrenched in. Hating myself for some of the horrible things I'd said and done, and how I'd neglected relationships and hurt others. My finances left me breathless with panic. And I was attacked side-on with waves (tsunami sized ones) of self-pity that I was ashamed of, but nevertheless they left me sobbing and completely debilitated.")
BB - I could relate to everything you wrote....everything, and it sounded just like my situation and thoughts. Just trying to muster up some motivation to run my errands and get out. I feel stuck sitting in this chair, can't move and crying. I guess I'm just really disappointed in how I took my life on a path of destruction. I'm glad I didn't drink last night.....because today I would be drinking to rid the hangover. Over and over and over again. Thanks for the post. It helps....
BB - I could relate to everything you wrote....everything, and it sounded just like my situation and thoughts. Just trying to muster up some motivation to run my errands and get out. I feel stuck sitting in this chair, can't move and crying. I guess I'm just really disappointed in how I took my life on a path of destruction. I'm glad I didn't drink last night.....because today I would be drinking to rid the hangover. Over and over and over again. Thanks for the post. It helps....
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