MidnightBlue

Ok. Now, what’s going at work. And that’s where I would appreciate all your opinions, my SR friends, because my head is just splitting.

My current boss still irritates me a lot, but about two months ago he somehow got the rumours that I am going to leave. It’s amazing - I didn’t even have time to tell anyone about my plans, and somehow it was out there.

When he heard about this he was on a business trip and sent his deputy to kind of talk me out and promise better perspectives. I answered that I had no idea what he was talking about.

I got a raise to my regular paycheck and then a very good bonus.

But still I felt as miserable as it gets.

It’s a shame because I really love the project I am working on, but my boss’s attitude just poisons everything.

The project involves tight cooperation with an international organization and they have a couple of meetings per year to discuss ongoing work.

The upcoming meeting is taking place at Code D’Azur, France. And they already sent us invitation to participate. And you know what? I’ve been more than reluctant to go because my boss is too eager about that. And mostly not for the sake of the project, but for his own reason. It just drives me crazy to the point when I have an ongoing roiling anger.

Anyway, since I work for a state own company there is a lot of red tape to go through to get an approval for a business trip abroad. And the General Director himself grants the approval. Honestly I harbored a hope that he won’t give his consent.

And he didn’t. I breathed out. Those 3 days in France would cost me like 3 months of a headache.

They already costed me a month of a headache because guess who prepared all the paperwork to apply to the general director? Surely not my boss. And he bugged me every day about it. He didn’t care a s*** about the project itself and that I have to do real work. No, the only thing that interested him was this business trip abroad.

I felt used and sick with all the pointless activity I had to do.

Last Friday we were at the meeting at the Government agency which is our client. Their representative is going to the meeting in France. He wasn’t happy that I am not going because I know all the details of the project. So, he said: “I’ll ask my boss to call to your General Director and approve your business trip”.

And his boss is the Deputy to the Director of this government agency.

You know, by all possible yardstick of conventional success I should be happy. One higher-up calls another higher up and asks him for a favor to send me to France.

Especially for someone who grew in poverty and had childhood from hell. Who’s been struggling to get feeling of self-worthiness her entire life. Who often feels that every day she needs to start from scratch and go get some trophy to prove that I am “good enough”.

And I still feel miserable. I am not excited about the trip.

I am struggling with separating my real achievement and sabotage against being a prisoner of my life-long addiction to gain people’s approval through different means including need to impress others.

And I don’t want to impress any more. I want to be me. I want to experience the world without this “impress-get approval” shield.

And the emotional price I pay for this - it’s just not worth it.

Ok. Fast forward to this Wednesday.

The client’s boss did call our general director and my trip was approved. It’s amazing how much of red tape is eliminated by a magic word of “high and mighties” - all the paperwork was ready within a day.

But….My boss is such a smarta$$$$. He managed to push his paperwork together with mine! Unbelievable. He just piggybacked on the situation. And now he is also going to France. And if his mission is just to bring his butt there and relax, I have to prepare all the materials for the meeting.

Oh, well.

And, on top of that, on Wednesday, maybe one hour after I got to know that my business trip was approved, the secretary of my former boss called and said that all the paperwork is ready and I can give my letter of resignation now.

I will spare you details but according to certain procedures I have to give my letter of resignation within the following 10 days. And I just can’t tell our client now “You know, thank you very much but you will have to do without me at the meeting”. It’s just unprofessional.

On top of that about two weeks ago the Director of the division we are part of gave me an assignment related to another international project. And now she wants me to get involved into this too.

Two months ago I was dead sure I want to trade this job for the one my former boss is offering.

Now I often feel lost. One moment I am sure that I need to quit because I am not happy, the other moment doubt starts creeping in: “Just look at all the interesting projects that pop up now. Maybe it will get bet. And you have stability.”


And I literally have just a couple of days to decide.

My head is spinning.

Let alone it’s even hard to imagine my boss’s reaction to this news.


I know it’s for me and only for me to decide, but I would really appreciate any comments because I just can’t get a clear view being always inside my head.


And wrapping up my novel-length post, I would like to say to newcomers who are reading this - I would never be able to create opportunity for myself where I choose between two good jobs if I was still numbing my emotional pain with wine.

You can create your own opportunities and your own luck. It takes time, everyday effort, sweat, but it does pay off.

And it does get better.

See you all)

saoutchik

Phew MidnightBlue that's quite a post!

Firstly a big congratulations to you - you are clearly doing such a good job that you and your services are really in demand. Even better is the fact that people higher up the pyramid are aware of, and appreciate your ability.

OK as to your situation - obviously it is really difficult to give specific advice without knowing all the details and the character of the personnel involved. However, based on what you have detailed, this is whst I would do:-

Tell your boss that you have a job offer at another organisation and that if they want to retain you then they will need to pay a lot more money, over and above the bonus they have already paid. Pitch it high enough that that it compensates you for not liking to work there. If they agree, get it in writing. If they refuse then hand your notice in and take up the new job.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Gilmer

I agree with Sao.

Is there any opportunity in your current company to switch to a different department to get out from under your jerk boss? Surely if you have been asked for by name by high and mighties, you have a good reputation within the entire company.

Maybe even the client in France would like to have you.

Or could you explain to your new company why you are obligated to finish this current project, and try to get an extension on putting in your resignation?

biminiblue

I have no suggestions that are better than Sao or Gilmer, I just wanted to say what a great job you've done and I am sure that you will be successful whichever way you go.

Really well done on all you are managing. You're a testament to the power of recovery.

Gilmer

I saw this idea on another thread in this forum.

I know you're not a religious person, MB, but there's no reason you can't give this basic principle a try.

Christians believe in praying for their enemies.

Even if you don't pray per se, maybe every morning you could practice imagining your jerk boss not as a boss, but merely as a fellow human being, and send positive energy toward him.

If you do that long enough, maybe he would become more neutral, and your profound irritation toward him would fade.

Dee74

(((mb)))

d

GroundhogDay

I suggest you do what is best for your career advancement. Developing the emotional maturity to work with difficult people is part of what we all have to do to succeed. Of course, you need to draw the line at outright abuse.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, friends, so much for support and great advice.

We have a long weekend here and I have an extra day two think it over.

I heard somewhere that hard decisions are only hard while we are making them.

Also I am trying to visualize where I see myself in 5 years from now and which job will lead me to where I want to be.

I will keep you updated.

saoutchik

That sounds like a good idea.

Meraviglioso

That is really a tough decision but there is some good advice above. I like the option of explaining to your current employer that you have another offer, asking for more money and a transfer to another department. Yes, it is true that we have to learn to work with people we do not get along with, but if there are other options out there,e and this person is causing such a tremendous amount of stress there is nothing wrong with seeking out other options.

Also, as others have said, congratulations on being such a valuable employee!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Meraviglioso)

The big upside for the new job is that they offer flexible hours - I can work at the office one day a week and the rest is up to me. It means no micromanagement and minumum of red-tape which is killing me at the current job.

MidnightBlue

By the way, how could I forget an awesome not-so-long discovered criteria for testing things for whether they belong into my life or not:

"If it's not a HELL YES it's a HELL NO".

I realize that none of the options feel like Hell Yes at the moment.

So, I think I need to feel which one holds more of Hell Yes in it.

Meraviglioso

Just to offer you another viewpoint, think long and hard about the flexible hours and how you deal with freedom, loneliness and boredom.
I work form home and find it to be isolating. I would love to find a job in an office.
I have a friend who works for a government agency and she also has the flexible workweek plan, working from home on Mondays and Fridays, going into the office the rest of the week. It works for her but she is very self motivated and really does treat her day like it is a day in the office, she just happens to be at home. She does't take personal phone calls, takes and actual lunch break at a particular hour even though she has her kitchen right there. It takes a lot of self discipline. You may be that type of person, I am not indicating you are not, but think about how you will handle the freedom of not being in an office environment.

MidnightBlue

Meraviglioso, it's really a very good point you've made.

I freelanced for some time before getting this job, so I know that working from home has lots of challenges and requires military-style self-discipline and routine.

It's appealing for me because it allows to do work according to my natural cycles of productivity. I can put 3 hours of efficient work and then be useless till the end of the work day.

In modern environment 9-5 work schedule which was tailored primarily for assembly lines make less sense.

And, what is most important, it will allow me to schedule regular time to work on my own project. It's my ultimate goal - to kick off my own business and end up with bosses once and for all)

tomsteve

I was faced with a hard decision a while ago and how I made the decision might help you:
In a battle with cancer, I was at a point I was given 3 choices- do nothing, clinical trial, or interferon for a year.
I got pen and paper and made out a pros and cons list of each choice.
it was quite clear then what my decision was to be.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Tomsteve.

I am going to do this.

Sorry to hear you faced this choice.

Hope you are getting better.

Mizzuno

I know its a hard decision but it sounds to me like you have all the signs pointing in the direction of new job. Yes, all these new projects are opening up but does that change the fact that you current boss is an ass?

Taking the new position would mean more time for your own business, right? Its only up to you. I can see through the pages of this thread that you are excited for the new opportunity and where that will ultimately lead you.

Just an opinion.

MidnightBlue

Thank you a lot for the opinion, Mizzuno.

I think I am just too afraid to admit (even if it's to myself) that my goal is my own business and I am willing to trade "stability" (I put it in the quotations marks because I already had my huge unstable moment at this job when my former boss left) for uncertainty of going on my own.

And the new job can be a good transitional phase here where I still have a regular paycheck and enough time to take care of my project.

I think I've grown attached to this project I am working on at my current job. I had my issues with the client at first. The guy I work on daily basis can be quite an arse too. He kind of questioned my professionalism and it took a while to gain his respect.

I think i like this feeling of achievement.

Well, time to make those lists, I think.

My, I just crave a walk outside and some fresh air, but afraid to venture out because of bronchitis.

Soberwolf

Hope the bronchitis clears up soon Midnight xx

tomsteve

yer welcome. that was the first time I used a pros and cons list and was back in 2006. I think it is one of the reasons im alive today. ive used the pros and cons list on decisions since. seems to make decisions clearer when I put it on paper.