Julia8

I think it's a movie you either love or hate - it is def not for everyone.

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends.

I am going to the doctor's today. I so hope she will extend my sick leave a little bit.

I haven' seen Oblivion. Another movie to put on my list to watch.

See you all.

MidnightBlue

So, so far this day has been like:

- I got a letter from the bank that they are going to take me to the court. Ok. Do it already, see you there. I've went to my lawyers and gave them the letter;
- The doctor extended my sick leave. Though I am tired of feeling under the weather. It's like my body sabotages me into slow-motion mode to ease all the stress I've been under;
- My former boss, who lives like 10 minutes of drive for me, drove by and gave me an application form to fill in to start formalities about new job.
- I feel somewhat depressed and can't watch any more movies)

Sometimes I am wobbling between panic and bright outlook for the future.

Ok, that's it for now.

See you later)

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends.

I've decided to make some spring cleaning and also start packing things so moving will be less overwhelming.

And when I started sorting out book I got right into an emotional trap.

I have a book which is written by one of my favorite authors, and I just admire his writing. But I started reading it and enjoyed for some time. I almost forgot how brilliant these short stories are. But then memories attacked me. This book is deeply connected to my childhood memories -like Siamese twins.

Minutes of joy threw me back in time and triggered more depression.

I am thinking - maybe get rid of the book and then just a buy myself a new one when I am more emotionally stable and the dark times are past me? I don't need bleeding heart right now. I actually need army discipline which leaves no time for "thinking which equals "dwelling". Because when I start dwelling I am drowning.

What do you think?

saoutchik

I wish I could give you advise MidnightBlue but I don't feel qualified. I would suggest that you not read the book that triggers unpleasant memories, at least for now. I really wouldn't worry about the court threat, they cannot take money you don't have and it will cost them money to take you there so I expect it is an empty threat.

I would explore the possibility of getting some sort of debt consolidation plan so that an amount is agreed on each month that you can afford and that is that. This debt thing seems to be taking ages without any resolution and it must cause you a lot of stress.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Sao.

The court isn't that bad for me though - because it will "fix" my debt and based on that I will pay certain amount every month. And my lawyer will go to court to represent me. Banks are reluctant about the court because they still hope to get their money through threats. But I don't have any - threats or not.

As for the book I've made decision to get rid of this. It's the kind of dilemma where one have to choose between "the lesser evil". In my case anything that is emotionally charge with memories of my birth family is emotional black hole which destroys my sanity.

Thank you for being here for me, friends.

Discussing it with you (even when it's mostly me "talking") and putting off my chest make this burden not so unbearable.

One decision at a time.

My, I so want to move to my new place.

This place holds of negative memories too, that sometimes I just feel like suffocating.

Gilmer

What is your move in date, MB?

MidnightBlue

I was supposed to move by March 1, but apparently I am not going to make it. So, I think I will be able to arrange it the end of March.

I am really having emotional hangover after dealing with all this old staff. I wish I could just pile it up and set on fire.

On the other hand, why can't I do it? Fire apart, why can't I get read of all of it? I bet I in a week I won't even remember I ever had it.

Berrybean

I had a massive clear out this week. I had so many beautiful clothes that I'd been hanging onto. Many of them had some bleak and shameful memories attached to them, and they really don't belong to who I am now, or have any use I the life I now live. One pair of shoes in particular, just looking at them made me sick to the stomach. They are now (almost) all gone. I just kept a couple of favourites that had no awful memories attached, and there's some bits I'm going to ebay, plus a bag of stuff I've promised to another lady which I'll pass on asap. It was a good feeling dropping it off at the charity store. I pray that it will all give others more joy than it did me.

Just chuck the stuff that has turned into baggage. We have enough of that stuff to lug around as it is.

BB

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Berry Bean.

You are right - anything that makes me feel sick doesn't belong to my new life. Books, clothes or whatever - it has to go. The best legacy I can take with me - to be the best version of authentic myself.

Berrybean

Oh, and when you are feeling a little stronger in your sobriety it may be worth you reading a book called Rescuing the Inner Child by Penny Parks. It changed my life and helped me find acceptance over things that I never thought I'd really be able to find. This has meant that I have allowed myself to stop carrying pain, bitterness and rage around with me that was , ultimately, just punishing myself for things that were never my fault to start off with. I couldn't have done this when I was new to sobriety though. I was much too raw then, just getting used to actually feeling things at all, and kind of flailing around in it all to be honest.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Berry Bean, for the book recommendation.

Not sounding arrogant, but I feel strong enough in my sobriety to face pretty much anything - during this 4 years and 4 months I've been through hell burning and hell frozen, and doesn't matter how unbearable emotional pain was, sobriety proved to be the only way dealing with it.

I do need to help that inner child, she is still struggling and hurting a lot.

I've also realized today that I need a new outlook when dealing with clutter from the past - instead of going through the clutter and thinking where I can fit it into my new life (doesn't matter how high was initial prize in money terms), I need to imagine what kind of life I would be happy with and build on new reality around it.

I need literally imagine my day till the moment I wake up to go to sleep. What do I really need? What makes me smile? And what feels like unnecessary burden just because I am "supposed" do keep it.

Also, listening to a podcast earlier this year, I heard a great advice "Do I really need to get my money back the same way I spent/lost it"? I.e. if the book was bought some time ago, and even if I can really sell it online or somewhere else (I have a few books like this) - do I really need to invest my time and brain space NOW trying to squeeze some cash out of it, or is it better to start applying and developing my skills in the area which promises more potential for my future well being.

Lots of things to think about.

MidnightBlue

It's just unbelievable.

By Saturday I felt better, though there still was some residual symptoms of the cold.

Instead of taking it easy and letting myself recover completely I freaked myself out with all this clutter, didn't sleep well. Then spent quite a time running errands on Sunday in windy and cold weather.

And then today I feel even worse than a week ago, and I've got fever. Come on!!!!

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor's and looks like I am staying at home till the end of the week.

saoutchik

That sounds sensible MidnightBlue. Things like fevers can happen when you are under stress.

Maybe you could put off the decision about what to keep and what to throw away until the move/job situation settles down and you are feeling better

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Sao.

You are right, I have to choose my priorities better. The thing with clutter is that I wanted to get rid of it before moving to new place - it would let me drag less things there. I just didn't expect to get so thrown out of emotional balance again (who I am kidding though).

Now I will go to the doctor with the tail between my legs and say that I messed up the weak of recovery from cold.


And I have to make my emotional health priority #1, because without it everything falls apart.

MidnightBlue

Back from the doc, staying at home till the end of the week.

I am freaking determined to knock out this cold!

I've stashed on mood and medicine and will stay at home and finally get serious about treating it.

Gilmer

I'm glad, MB. Take it EEEEEEE-Z!

Dee74

D

MidnightBlue

I've just noticed that instead of "I've stashed on food" I wrote "on mood".

So, be it! Good mood is just as important for me now.

MidnightBlue

Hi, SR friends.

Time flies. It’s been about 2.5 months since I updated this thread.

And it’s hard for me to give a decent assessment of my current situation - have things become better or crazier? I think both.

First of all I’d like to make a side note about life issues and sobriety. When I stopped drinking it didn’t eliminate all the problems from my life, but quality of problems changed.

When I hit my low (four and a half years by now) my problems were how to survive a crippling hangover, how to get through the day, keep up with my grocery stores rotating scheme, and so on.

If to choose between the above mentioned problems and the ones I am going to dwell on below - I am all in for the latest. Also it debunks a myth of sober life as “boring” because if I teach myself to turn this switch from “problem” to “adventure” - then I have quite an exciting time of my life.

As for hangover and all the drinking related issues - I can switch my attitude all day long and it will never become a real, high-quality adventure which helps me to grow and achieve new goals.

So, where do I stand right now?

I started this thread facing the following life challenges

Moving to my apartment
Hating my current job
Getting a job offer from my previous boss.


Moving. I haven’t moved yet, and just yesterday my moving date was shifted again from May 13 to early June.

This housing situation is the major source of stress for me. The latest bummer happened when I was just about two steps left to moving. The guy who does repair works at my apartment made a mistake choosing right wallpaper paste, and as a result the wallpaper got wrinkled. When I saw this I just stood there and cried because I couldn’t hold emotions any longer.

Also I couldn’t reach the guy for about a week, and finally talked to him yesterday. He admitted that he messed up and offered to redo it at his expense. But it will take time, plus I have to go through choosing wallpaper again.

Besides I’ve got bronchitis which means I have to stay at home and get proper treatment.


The repairs suck almost all my finances and it’s really stressing.


Also got another health-related worry about a week ago when I did ultrasound for my thyroid. I have some lumps in it so I monitor it like once a year. This time they said me that lumps grew and sent me to do biopsy which is scheduled for May 23.

I am not freaking out right now, but could do without this on my mind.


Time for a break. I’ll get back to you later)