MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there! I realize that I can't fully understand how much it hurts but there's light at the end of the tunnel. As the song says, when you're going through hell- keep going!

Dee74

If it helps in my experience orthos and physios rarely agree. Completely different perspectives on conditions and treatments.

The brace and walking seems like a reasonable option to try, so maybe there's a little more light at the end of the tunnel ?

I'm really hoping that pans out for you

D

teatreeoil007

Hey Algo--

Just wanted to continue to add my support for everything you're going through. This is tough and I have mad respect for you doing it SOBER, man. That is huge. You are doing this SOBER and that is just freakin' awesome.

I hear you in feeling like you will never take walking normally for granted again. I've been through similar and what I went through was nothing compared to what you're going through. Your concern about your family's fears is very thoughtful. Again: mad respect.

It's tough to know what to do about the pain. You may participate better in PT and be able to do more walking if you are not in so much pain. But, of course: on the other hand you don't want to jeopardize your sobriety. I don't have the answer, but keep up the good communication with your Dr. and therapist. They're much invested in this too and deeply care you end up with what's best.

Really-you're keeping a great attitude throughout this whole dingdangblasted thing and I admire that! Through it all you are growing in many ways in all areas of your psyche and inward being. This is so not just a physical thing.

Algorithm

I pray that you are right.

I regret the past, and cannot shut the door on it. There was so much unnecessary pain. Lost time. It haunts me.

I was so strong once, and here I am, weak, in pain once more.

The Beast takes advantage, and offers up its usual medicine.

That is the most remarkable thing.

teatreeoil007

Algo: I know what it's like to feel shame and regret; like a waster. It took some time, ... but I sooooo knew I simply could not carry shame and regret around with me or I would never be happy. I had to shed it; step out of that skin and walk away from it, but every now and then it comes back to haunt me. Just last week I found myself in bed in tears crying because of how I had behaved in the past.

We are often our worst judge. Shame is an emotion that can be useful if it causes us to turn from our destructive ways, but it can bog us down long after others have forgiven us.

Don't want to come across as the anti-shame Nazi here, but it really needs to go bye-bye; given a swift kick out the door. It can really be a road-block to being able to heal>>>> to be truly happy and fulfilled.

soberlicious

Doesn't it though? IT takes advantage of even the most devastating circumstances with glee. It is certainly remarkable, but not surprising. You know and understand the Beast's drive, so it's quite predictable really that IT would raise it's head with quick support in your time of depression and pain.

What truly sucks is that we know that drinking would swiftly ease the pain...but at what cost? More and worse pain...if that's even imaginable right now.

I can not even begin to fully understand what you are going through right now. All I can do is offer you my cyber shoulder to lean on. For what it's worth, please know that people here care about you.

teatreeoil007

I was so strong once, and here I am, weak, in pain once more.

I've usually been considered the 'strong one'. too..that's good and bad and in-between. Nothing wrong with being strong; nothing quite like it really. But, realistically any strong person can become weak or have moments of weakness. And while that doesn't feel so good, it is what it is. A "weak" person can also become strong and have areas of strength. In fact there are cases in which you feel you are at your weakest you can tap into an inner strength; reach within yourself to grasp a different kind of strength you never knew you had. This process is not a cake walk, for sure....it's hard...and it can feel very dark at times. Have you ever felt weary for being the strong one?

Algorithm

The cost would probably be high. The leg bone would not heal from the necrosis, which would mean I lose the joint, and my spine would probably not fuse properly. I'm not entirely sure what the outcome of fusion failure would be, but I read it can be nasty.

More surgery on my spine wouldn't be good at all.

I essentially have two options, which are not really much different from those faced by many others, when you think about it: suicide or recovery.

The Beast prefers suicide, as long as it gets its fix.

dwtbd

Algo
F*** the Beast, rootin for ya

soberlicious

Indeed. The Beast is a sick f*ck for sure, but it doesn't live by our moral standards and we know that. Sometimes there is just an overwhelming desire to hand over the keys to IT though, even knowing IT will drive like a batoutofhell straight to the edge and right over. Horrible driver that Beast...

Kaily

So sorry things are still so difficult for you, as for being weak, NO WAY. I find you a totally inspiring strong person. Your posts are always full of so much wisdom, intelligence, compassion and understanding to name but a few.

Hope today is a better day followed by many more.

soberlicious

I agree 100%!! Algorithm is definitely not weak. Struggling with serious physical problems does not make someone weak. Not by a long shot.

teatreeoil007

I agree with the others...you are not as weak as you think you are....but if you FEEL weak that's okay....allow yourself to feel that and don't get down on yourself for it.

MythOfSisyphus

How are doing today, Alg?

Algorithm

I should be feeling good, but I'm not feeling so good, to be honest. I have some functional improvement in the foot, but not much increase in range of motion. It's difficult to walk unaided, still, although the brace they got me helps a little.

I can't drive with the brace, though, or use regular size shoes. It's a temporary fix, and I would like to keep working on the contracture itself. It's stubborn, though, and doesn't seem to want to budge. It puts pressure on my back.

The Ortho told me to return in 8 weeks, and that if things are not better then, that they can try steroid injections, or surgery, but that the idea is to avoid surgery.

He said the steroid injections bring down the internal swelling, which could help, but they last about a month, and then symptoms return. I'm sure it would depend on the AVN being gone, since steroid injections can cause AVN in the first place.

Surgery would be bad. I think they would end up cutting and lengthening the Achilles tendon, which would require another cast and recovery, P/T, etc. Right now, the physiotherapist will try another four sessions of astym therapy over the next few weeks, which is intended to remove scar tissue.

It hurts, but not as much as the alternative would, so I'm inclined to let them try the astym. I'm concerned that P/T won't be able to do much, and that I will be on my own, though. I've been going to the gym to supplement P/T.

I go for a consult tomorrow for nose surgery, which I also broke at the time, and I'm waiting on advice on a plate that was installed to support my eye due to an orbital fracture. I do not want any revision surgery there, but the surgeon is saying the plate might move.

They were primarily concerned with the eye at the time of the injuries, and didn't fix the nose. I wish it were otherwise, as it would have saved me some time and trouble. In the worst case, I will wait on this until some other time.

I've been replying to posts elsewhere, because I do understand AVRT, and can help people with that, but to be honest, I myself am not doing well. It's getting disheartening.

Hopefully this too, shall pass.

Thank you for asking.

Grymt

It'll pass. Some people start their walk to sober life from where I am now. This doesn't dominish my suffering. It offers hope that from wherever I come from there is a well trodden path. All I need to do is take the necessary steps.

Gottalife

Sorry to hear about your troubles Algo. I have lead a fairly charmed life in respect of my physical health, but I know when I am sick it can knock my mental a spiritual condition for six too.

Your last paragraph, about helping others, reminded me of my sponsor. He was dying of liver cancer. He had a job as a counsellor in a youth justice treatment programme for drug and alcohol damaged youth. He loved the job, and he loved his clients, so much that he continued working almost up to his death. In the last months his partner had to get him dressed and into his wheel chair, so he could get to work.

Though he must have suffered greatly, he never let on. In spite of all that was going on he retained an interest in his fellows and this seemed to bring him an inner peace, serenity in the face of adversity perhaps. He was a great example of selflessness, and lives on in the hearts of many, me included.

I see the work you do to help others here Algo, and I wonder if you might be cut from the same cloth. Best wishes,

Dee74

I'm sorry it's such a long ongoing journey with no real firm guarantees at the end...I can totally see how that might wear you down - I've been in similar situations and empathise.

All I can say is you've already come a long way, and there will be an end to all of this - keep the faith

I hope the non surgical treatments win out on the foot, and hope they decide the plate is ok where it is, Algo

D

wpainterw

Algo: I deeply sympathize with your troubles and admire you for your courage. The only thing I can say may sound somewhat silly and obvious but I'll say it anyway. Drinking or drugging would make things worse for you, adding addiction on top of your other major troubles. Your AV may try to persuade you that it would help but don't believe a word of it. You would be making a horrific bargain, a Faustian compromise and the reckoning would land you in even greater pain, deep depression and all the rest.
So what can you do? Again, what I say is so obvious but I'll say it. In times like these when my back was to the wall the only thing I could do was focus on one day at a time. If necessary one hour, one minute at a time. For time will be your friend. Eventually time will make things better if you persist, stubbornly, courageously, refusing to give in.
I am rereading a book about navy men caught in a typhoon in WW2 east of the Philippines, most of them on destroyers and destroyer escorts. Over 700 perished in the sea when their ships went down. Those who were eventually saved had spent three or more days and nights in the water, harassed by sharks, some of them eaten by sharks. But some survived, exhibiting incredible courage and bravery, refusing to give in and helping their shipmates.
Your life does not appear to be threatened but you must somehow cope with very bad pain. Get the best doctors you can for that and try to divert your mind as much as possible. Watch TV, maybe talk to other patients if you can. And do it one day at a time. Time will help you in the end. Every good wish to you my friend. Keep posting. We are here.

Bill.

AlaskaGirl

Algorithm, I'm blown away that you spend so much time helping others with all you are going through. You are amazing. I know this doesn't help your physical symptoms, but I wanted you to know you have helped me change my life.