First relationship since sobriety -- 2yrs and 4 mos.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 15
First relationship since sobriety -- 2yrs and 4 mos.
I met a man with 4 years of sobriety who appears to be working a very strong program. I have been an active AA member for almost 2 and a half years, and feel strong in my recovery.
That was, until I became intimate with this man. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to drink. Everything seems to be going fine, and we have a wonderful time together. He lives about an hour away, so we have seen each other once a week for 5 weeks. We became intimate on our 4th date. I told while we were talking in bed that I felt like I could trust him (because I do).
I felt wonderful until I didn't. Suddenly the needy, insecure, FEARFUL old me crept back into my skin and I was terrified by it. Fear of being abandoned. The day before our 4th date I had to, unexpectedly, put my cat of 18 years to sleep -- she had been with me steadily for the last 16 years, drunk and sober.
I'm mourning her loss (it's harder than you might think) and at first was on cloud-9 regarding the new man in my life. He was a major distraction from the loss of my cat, but now that he's away for two weeks, my thinking has veered off into stinking territory. It is truly frightening to have both this relationship and the loss of my cat dredge up this old part of me. I met with my sponsor and she told me that it was something I had to go "through" and that there was no shortcut. She said I'm trying to drive the bus, but my higher power is the one who's driving and I cannot control things. I've been going to meetings every day since this "ghost" from my past has come back.
I don't want to sabotage this relationship. I'm 57 and he will soon be 60. He is a good man with a good program -- we talk about our programs all the time and he has only seen me at my most confident. Before this I wasn't in a relationship for three years (celibate). Deep in my heart I feel like he is the one (I'm not going to tell him that, but I do feel it).
Intellectually I know I can't drive the bus, but this old control freak is still in me dragging me down. It is weird to be able to stand back and see this ghost for what it is. I'm trying so hard not to let it get the best of me. I should be happy.
I'd appreciate any input from anyone who can share their experience, strength and hope in this situation.
Gratefully
THMcG
That was, until I became intimate with this man. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to drink. Everything seems to be going fine, and we have a wonderful time together. He lives about an hour away, so we have seen each other once a week for 5 weeks. We became intimate on our 4th date. I told while we were talking in bed that I felt like I could trust him (because I do).
I felt wonderful until I didn't. Suddenly the needy, insecure, FEARFUL old me crept back into my skin and I was terrified by it. Fear of being abandoned. The day before our 4th date I had to, unexpectedly, put my cat of 18 years to sleep -- she had been with me steadily for the last 16 years, drunk and sober.
I'm mourning her loss (it's harder than you might think) and at first was on cloud-9 regarding the new man in my life. He was a major distraction from the loss of my cat, but now that he's away for two weeks, my thinking has veered off into stinking territory. It is truly frightening to have both this relationship and the loss of my cat dredge up this old part of me. I met with my sponsor and she told me that it was something I had to go "through" and that there was no shortcut. She said I'm trying to drive the bus, but my higher power is the one who's driving and I cannot control things. I've been going to meetings every day since this "ghost" from my past has come back.
I don't want to sabotage this relationship. I'm 57 and he will soon be 60. He is a good man with a good program -- we talk about our programs all the time and he has only seen me at my most confident. Before this I wasn't in a relationship for three years (celibate). Deep in my heart I feel like he is the one (I'm not going to tell him that, but I do feel it).
Intellectually I know I can't drive the bus, but this old control freak is still in me dragging me down. It is weird to be able to stand back and see this ghost for what it is. I'm trying so hard not to let it get the best of me. I should be happy.
I'd appreciate any input from anyone who can share their experience, strength and hope in this situation.
Gratefully
THMcG
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,247
Hi TinHips and congratulations on 2 years and 4 months - that is great
I don't have much in the way of advice, just the same thing I would say to anyone who hasn't dated for a long time which is, take things slowly.
You have obviously been coping just fine without a partner so you need have no fear
I wish you all the best
I don't have much in the way of advice, just the same thing I would say to anyone who hasn't dated for a long time which is, take things slowly.
You have obviously been coping just fine without a partner so you need have no fear
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 322
TinHips, I completely understand about your cat, I'm sorry for your loss. I love my two cats at home where I can't be right now. I bet they are giving my significant other hell right now. Congrats on the new man, he sounds like a winner. I understand about him being away for awhile also. As an engineer (or I was) I used to travel extensively because I was trying to be the best employee and best provider at home by being away. It backfired and lost my first wife/son. Fortunately my son lives close by.
You hang in there, talk to him when you can. If you can talk to him or e-mail while he is gone, tell him encouraging things about your relationship, it will make him feel better on the road and it will make you feel better too.
You hang in there, talk to him when you can. If you can talk to him or e-mail while he is gone, tell him encouraging things about your relationship, it will make him feel better on the road and it will make you feel better too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
TinHipsMcGee -- First, what a great screen name!
You're doing some commendable things here. You're consulting with your sponsor. You're posting on SR. You're mindful that two big changes in your life -- one nice, one mournful -- are seemingly conflicting transitions that make you feel uneasy.
If working your program is what has carried you this far in sobriety, keep working it. Your mindfulness is an important asset; hold on to the awareness you have built.
My first intimate relationship in sobriety began at exactly the same time as yours. The only counsel I can offer is to, as the old saying goes, don't cross bridges until you get to them. Thinking this fella might be "the one" after only a few weeks places a lot of pressure on you and, though you've not confided this feeling to him, on him as well. At the onset of relationships, when we've got happy running through our veins, it's easy to get that feeling. My own relationship ended after a few months; I cared for him a lot and it was hard. But from the start I vowed that my sobriety was central to my life and that helped me weather the storm considerably.
(BTW, relationships are challenging, for people in recovery and the rest of the human race. Your mindfulness of the emotional challenges speaks to why sober veterans strongly suggest not entering new romantic relationships until a year's sober time has been amassed.)
Keep your sobriety front and center and you'll serve yourself well. Enjoy this exciting time in your life. You don't know now where it is going but it is still a happy time and it feels good.
You're doing some commendable things here. You're consulting with your sponsor. You're posting on SR. You're mindful that two big changes in your life -- one nice, one mournful -- are seemingly conflicting transitions that make you feel uneasy.
If working your program is what has carried you this far in sobriety, keep working it. Your mindfulness is an important asset; hold on to the awareness you have built.
My first intimate relationship in sobriety began at exactly the same time as yours. The only counsel I can offer is to, as the old saying goes, don't cross bridges until you get to them. Thinking this fella might be "the one" after only a few weeks places a lot of pressure on you and, though you've not confided this feeling to him, on him as well. At the onset of relationships, when we've got happy running through our veins, it's easy to get that feeling. My own relationship ended after a few months; I cared for him a lot and it was hard. But from the start I vowed that my sobriety was central to my life and that helped me weather the storm considerably.
(BTW, relationships are challenging, for people in recovery and the rest of the human race. Your mindfulness of the emotional challenges speaks to why sober veterans strongly suggest not entering new romantic relationships until a year's sober time has been amassed.)
Keep your sobriety front and center and you'll serve yourself well. Enjoy this exciting time in your life. You don't know now where it is going but it is still a happy time and it feels good.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,981
I got sober at 50. By 52.5, I began seeing a man who has 3 more years of sobriety than me. We didn't talk about our "programs," but we did live the principles. We took meetings to the local rehab together and talked about serious issues we faced and what we needed to do, or to remind each other about the positives in life. Principles first....
He bought a house an hour away. We were together once a week or more. We lived our lives and when we were together, we shared and talked and had fun in or out of the house....
It lasted about 3 years and we recently ended the relationship. We weren't in love with each other and we remain friends now.
I understand that insecure feeling of my (our) pasts....I felt it when I dated someone else, which didn't work out, but we are great friends still.
Yes, you can get through it. Work the principles in your life, be self-less and useful to others. Work your "program" for you. Meditate and listen to your higher power. It is something we must experience. Maybe it's time to work those 12 steps again (1 through 12, like you've done before). My friend and I re-work the steps as we aren't the same person today as we were a year ago....
I wish you peace and serenity
Keep moving forward and growing in sobriety!
He bought a house an hour away. We were together once a week or more. We lived our lives and when we were together, we shared and talked and had fun in or out of the house....
It lasted about 3 years and we recently ended the relationship. We weren't in love with each other and we remain friends now.
I understand that insecure feeling of my (our) pasts....I felt it when I dated someone else, which didn't work out, but we are great friends still.
Yes, you can get through it. Work the principles in your life, be self-less and useful to others. Work your "program" for you. Meditate and listen to your higher power. It is something we must experience. Maybe it's time to work those 12 steps again (1 through 12, like you've done before). My friend and I re-work the steps as we aren't the same person today as we were a year ago....
I wish you peace and serenity
Keep moving forward and growing in sobriety!
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Breathe....
One more deep breath just to be sure....
You were OK without him, you'll be OK without him if it doesn't work out.
With 2.75 years I started dating a woman who had over 11 years clean who had been out of any relationships for 5. (I hadn't gone so long). The fact that we're still together isn't the moral of the story. The fact that it sometimes scares the hell out of one or both of us is.
Relationships are a great place to practice spiritual principles. They also get us to call our sponsors more...
One more deep breath just to be sure....
You were OK without him, you'll be OK without him if it doesn't work out.
With 2.75 years I started dating a woman who had over 11 years clean who had been out of any relationships for 5. (I hadn't gone so long). The fact that we're still together isn't the moral of the story. The fact that it sometimes scares the hell out of one or both of us is.
Relationships are a great place to practice spiritual principles. They also get us to call our sponsors more...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
i met my partner at 17 days sober. my sponsor was cautious and helped me through the minefield of dating sober. she advised caution and to keep my recovery at the forefront of everything.
it's been tough going at times. i have Borderline Personality Disorder and struggle in all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. i don't know the cues. i don't understand 'normal' interactions and i'm hyper-vigilant and very insecure. i've been married and divorced twice, the first time relatively amicable as we share a daughter. the second divorce was absolutely hellish and i'm still picking up the pieces emotionally.
my partner bought us a beautiful house recently and we move in in around 3 weeks. i've been sober 2 years 4 months. we do work at our relationship, i think you have to.
the most important thing for me is the understanding that my sobriety is my number 1 priority - that without that we have nothing; i have nothing. my sponsor was amazing and took me through the steps and worked me hard! without that foundation i don't know if my sobriety, my relationship or my sanity would have made it.
so i will live in a gorgeous new home that i have never taken a drink in. i'm with a man who has never seen me take a drink, has never seen me drunk and who understands how vital it is that i don't drink at all, ever.
and yes, it's terrifying. i get it. it's my new 'normal' and i still don't really think i deserve it. but nothing ventured, nothing gained. sobriety rocks.
it's been tough going at times. i have Borderline Personality Disorder and struggle in all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. i don't know the cues. i don't understand 'normal' interactions and i'm hyper-vigilant and very insecure. i've been married and divorced twice, the first time relatively amicable as we share a daughter. the second divorce was absolutely hellish and i'm still picking up the pieces emotionally.
my partner bought us a beautiful house recently and we move in in around 3 weeks. i've been sober 2 years 4 months. we do work at our relationship, i think you have to.
the most important thing for me is the understanding that my sobriety is my number 1 priority - that without that we have nothing; i have nothing. my sponsor was amazing and took me through the steps and worked me hard! without that foundation i don't know if my sobriety, my relationship or my sanity would have made it.
so i will live in a gorgeous new home that i have never taken a drink in. i'm with a man who has never seen me take a drink, has never seen me drunk and who understands how vital it is that i don't drink at all, ever.
and yes, it's terrifying. i get it. it's my new 'normal' and i still don't really think i deserve it. but nothing ventured, nothing gained. sobriety rocks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by saoutchik 
Hi TinHips and congratulations on 2 years and 4 months - that is great
I don't have much in the way of advice, just the same thing I would say to anyone who hasn't dated for a long time which is, take things slowly.
You have obviously been coping just fine without a partner so you need have no fear
I wish you all the best
I don't have much in the way of advice, just the same thing I would say to anyone who hasn't dated for a long time which is, take things slowly.
You have obviously been coping just fine without a partner so you need have no fear
I wish you all the best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by IvanMike
Breathe....
One more deep breath just to be sure....
You were OK without him, you'll be OK without him if it doesn't work out.
With 2.75 years I started dating a woman who had over 11 years clean who had been out of any relationships for 5. (I hadn't gone so long). The fact that we're still together isn't the moral of the story. The fact that it sometimes scares the hell out of one or both of us is.
Relationships are a great place to practice spiritual principles. They also get us to call our sponsors more...
One more deep breath just to be sure....
You were OK without him, you'll be OK without him if it doesn't work out.
With 2.75 years I started dating a woman who had over 11 years clean who had been out of any relationships for 5. (I hadn't gone so long). The fact that we're still together isn't the moral of the story. The fact that it sometimes scares the hell out of one or both of us is.
Relationships are a great place to practice spiritual principles. They also get us to call our sponsors more...
Regards,
THMcG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by chickippo
i met my partner at 17 days sober. my sponsor was cautious and helped me through the minefield of dating sober. she advised caution and to keep my recovery at the forefront of everything.
it's been tough going at times. i have Borderline Personality Disorder and struggle in all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. i don't know the cues. i don't understand 'normal' interactions and i'm hyper-vigilant and very insecure. i've been married and divorced twice, the first time relatively amicable as we share a daughter. the second divorce was absolutely hellish and i'm still picking up the pieces emotionally.
my partner bought us a beautiful house recently and we move in in around 3 weeks. i've been sober 2 years 4 months. we do work at our relationship, i think you have to.
the most important thing for me is the understanding that my sobriety is my number 1 priority - that without that we have nothing; i have nothing. my sponsor was amazing and took me through the steps and worked me hard! without that foundation i don't know if my sobriety, my relationship or my sanity would have made it.
so i will live in a gorgeous new home that i have never taken a drink in. i'm with a man who has never seen me take a drink, has never seen me drunk and who understands how vital it is that i don't drink at all, ever.
and yes, it's terrifying. i get it. it's my new 'normal' and i still don't really think i deserve it. but nothing ventured, nothing gained. sobriety rocks.
it's been tough going at times. i have Borderline Personality Disorder and struggle in all my relationships, romantic and otherwise. i don't know the cues. i don't understand 'normal' interactions and i'm hyper-vigilant and very insecure. i've been married and divorced twice, the first time relatively amicable as we share a daughter. the second divorce was absolutely hellish and i'm still picking up the pieces emotionally.
my partner bought us a beautiful house recently and we move in in around 3 weeks. i've been sober 2 years 4 months. we do work at our relationship, i think you have to.
the most important thing for me is the understanding that my sobriety is my number 1 priority - that without that we have nothing; i have nothing. my sponsor was amazing and took me through the steps and worked me hard! without that foundation i don't know if my sobriety, my relationship or my sanity would have made it.
so i will live in a gorgeous new home that i have never taken a drink in. i'm with a man who has never seen me take a drink, has never seen me drunk and who understands how vital it is that i don't drink at all, ever.
and yes, it's terrifying. i get it. it's my new 'normal' and i still don't really think i deserve it. but nothing ventured, nothing gained. sobriety rocks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by cwood3
TinHips, I completely understand about your cat, I'm sorry for your loss. I love my two cats at home where I can't be right now. I bet they are giving my significant other hell right now. Congrats on the new man, he sounds like a winner. I understand about him being away for awhile also. As an engineer (or I was) I used to travel extensively because I was trying to be the best employee and best provider at home by being away. It backfired and lost my first wife/son. Fortunately my son lives close by.
You hang in there, talk to him when you can. If you can talk to him or e-mail while he is gone, tell him encouraging things about your relationship, it will make him feel better on the road and it will make you feel better too.
You hang in there, talk to him when you can. If you can talk to him or e-mail while he is gone, tell him encouraging things about your relationship, it will make him feel better on the road and it will make you feel better too.
THMcG
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Thanks for posting this, TinHips. I just hit 6mo and have started dating my high school boyfriend again. It started about 6 wks ago and took both of us by surprise. He is in recovery, a little behind me. (Yes, we discuss everything about our recoveries with each other and yes, sponsors and therapists are included in the reflection on and acting upon a relationship at this point). I agree with everything others said about taking care of you- mainly wanted to say that I appreciate your reminders about dealing with our (old) anxieties and habits, and making me glad in our decision that we are not going to be intimate for awhile longer. That would be too anxiety inducing for me right now.
I hope this works out for you if it is the right relationship.
I hope this works out for you if it is the right relationship.
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