Beyond furious!!!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Great post, firstymer. It shows a true understanding of what your wife might be feeling.
I told my (sort of) boyfriend who still drinks that I'm afraid I'm boring now. But he said it's just so nice that he doesn't have to worry about me anymore that it's ok that my behavior might not be as silly or fun. But I'm trying to be silly (make sh*t up, as he would say) and it's actually easier than I thought. So I'm learning to have fun without booze. Who knew. Making an effort to be spontaneous and fun seems like it would be counterproductive, but it's not. Eventually it will become second nature. Fake it 'til you make it.
I told my (sort of) boyfriend who still drinks that I'm afraid I'm boring now. But he said it's just so nice that he doesn't have to worry about me anymore that it's ok that my behavior might not be as silly or fun. But I'm trying to be silly (make sh*t up, as he would say) and it's actually easier than I thought. So I'm learning to have fun without booze. Who knew. Making an effort to be spontaneous and fun seems like it would be counterproductive, but it's not. Eventually it will become second nature. Fake it 'til you make it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
The only person we have any control over is ourselves.
The only thing we can choose is how WE respond.
Early sobriety can be a very very sensitive, agitated, difficult time.
Your husband's offer and his response are baffling and surely frustrating - but in your words it seems as though you've chosen to let yourself get totally wrapped around the axle with it.
The bottom line is that you spoke your truth, and you know what is right for YOU. As we are working to build strong sober foundations - sometimes just "letting go" is the best thing for us.
Who knows what motivated your husband to these things? Is it purposeful, willful derailment? Is it totally detached and legitimate bafflement at himself? Is it that he himself is an alcoholic and struggling with seeing you seek sobriety? Is he just a complete jerk?
Who knows. At this point.... it kind of doesn't matter.
"I'm confused that you would say you didn't want me to drink with you, when clearly you asked if we could drink together. But no matter. The point is this: I will not be drinking. Not at the result of the elections, not at anything. I'm done making excuses to drink. I hope you can support that - but if you're unable, then I'm going to disengage from these sort of conversations. Not because I don't care or love you - but to protect my own need for sobriety".
Then - the work is yours to simply breathe, relax, calm down and realize that his words and his issues and his insensitivity are about HIM... not you. And your sobriety is about YOU, not him.
If more needs to be addressed. If there are deeper issues between you, it might be best that those get tabled for further down the line, when you're more rooted in your sobriety.
The only thing we can choose is how WE respond.
Early sobriety can be a very very sensitive, agitated, difficult time.
Your husband's offer and his response are baffling and surely frustrating - but in your words it seems as though you've chosen to let yourself get totally wrapped around the axle with it.
The bottom line is that you spoke your truth, and you know what is right for YOU. As we are working to build strong sober foundations - sometimes just "letting go" is the best thing for us.
Who knows what motivated your husband to these things? Is it purposeful, willful derailment? Is it totally detached and legitimate bafflement at himself? Is it that he himself is an alcoholic and struggling with seeing you seek sobriety? Is he just a complete jerk?
Who knows. At this point.... it kind of doesn't matter.
"I'm confused that you would say you didn't want me to drink with you, when clearly you asked if we could drink together. But no matter. The point is this: I will not be drinking. Not at the result of the elections, not at anything. I'm done making excuses to drink. I hope you can support that - but if you're unable, then I'm going to disengage from these sort of conversations. Not because I don't care or love you - but to protect my own need for sobriety".
Then - the work is yours to simply breathe, relax, calm down and realize that his words and his issues and his insensitivity are about HIM... not you. And your sobriety is about YOU, not him.
If more needs to be addressed. If there are deeper issues between you, it might be best that those get tabled for further down the line, when you're more rooted in your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I too like the puzzle analogy. It's so 'fitting' to this scenario ( no pun intended ).
Yeah, many people in our lives want to keep us right where they've got us, I guess.
But others in our lives can appreciate the changes. However, there might be this misconception the new sobriety means the person is going to be suddenly rejuvenated, chipper and taking on the world with this wonderful, infectious vigor and you're all going to be having the 'fun' you had before just not as drinking buddies.
Changes going on in the newly sober brain can really zap a person. The spouse may not be getting the attention they want and so they act out to get their own needs met.
Be careful about turning ALL your fury inward on yourself, though. You DO need some sort of outlet for it.
Yeah, many people in our lives want to keep us right where they've got us, I guess.
But others in our lives can appreciate the changes. However, there might be this misconception the new sobriety means the person is going to be suddenly rejuvenated, chipper and taking on the world with this wonderful, infectious vigor and you're all going to be having the 'fun' you had before just not as drinking buddies.
Changes going on in the newly sober brain can really zap a person. The spouse may not be getting the attention they want and so they act out to get their own needs met.
Be careful about turning ALL your fury inward on yourself, though. You DO need some sort of outlet for it.
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