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Beyond furious!!!

Old 08-02-2016, 07:12 PM
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Beyond furious!!!

Hello guys:

I hope that you are all well in your respective corners of the world!!!

As the title says: I am beyond furious!!!

My husband (who I have had "the conversation" with a million times) just casually asked me if we could share a bottle of champagne if the presidential candidate we despise loses. (We really don't like either one but we have to pick the "less bad one".) WHAT?!?!?

I told him we couldn't that he knew very well how that could end up. So he proceed to tell me that it would only be one bottle and I said "yes, but I'm going to want to drink all of it and since I haven't have a drop in so long I would probably be very drunk and be belligerent or violent. His reply was "that's such stupid thinking". WHAT?!?!

We went back and forth and he finally goes "forget it"... So I went outside to cool off and when I came back in I told him that it made me feel hurt and sad when he asked me things like that, specially since I have been at this for over two years and I have had the conversation with him many , many times. I have posted about it before. His response: "I didn't ask you to drink with me". WHAT?!?!?

What does "can we share a bottle of champagne to celebrate" mean? He always does this and then denies it and I feel like he truly believes what he is saying. I am so angry and so hurt. So I go off on him and call him out on his lack of support his answer (as usual) "I support you". So my AV goes to it's good old "you should drink and get plastered and remind him. So I even told him that, "yeah, we should do it so I can get wasted and be an a$$"...

Geez!!!! Is this going to be forever? I also quit pot 2 weeks ago and he says he is supportive but has done things like act like he is smoking and goes "yum" or stuff like that...

I'm beyond frustrated and most of all frustrated that my AV can just pop up like that. It has been really silent lately.

What the hellllllllll!!!! How can he comprehend this? If he tells me "just have a little bit" one more time I'm going to lose it. He is so great and smart. Why can't he get this? He has codependent tendencies... Could it be he wants me drunk so that he can complain about me or trying to make me feel guilty? Arghhh.

What should I do?!?!? I can't have the same conversation with him. I'm so mad I feel nothing but disdain towards him right now. I want to call him every name in the book. This is unacceptable. I'm trying to manage my anger better. This is why I went outside to cool down. I feel like he is always trying to sabotage me. My last drunk was just that. Me drinking at him to show him... Such stupid reasoning. Stupid!!!

Help me brainstorm please!

What should I do?

Thanks is advance.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:19 PM
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His sobriety has absolutely nothing to do with yours my dear.

Now go grab a pillow and shut the bedroom door and imagine you're punching him very cartoon like right deep into his soft mushy brain and give it all your gusto.

Then go laugh at him and drink whatever he wants and come back here later and reflect (or rant if need be). If you get real frustrated, just think- cartoon pillow punch while you smile sweetly at him

You got this girl
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:22 PM
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Well I think you did the right thing by going outside and cooling off because I think no matter what you did or said it wouldn't of gotten through or would of made things worse anyways. Hes not being very supportive at all which is never easy and pisses you off. There's really not much you can do in my opinion besides sitting him down and having a conversation on how you feel and say everything you have to say. If that dont work then you just go on with your sobriety and let nothing get in the way .

Im sorry you have to go through this im lucky my girlfriend doesn't drink but sometimes I didnt or dont get the support I want or need and get mad myself. But i cant change it so I just keep moving forward. Good luck just keep your cool and ur sobriety thats all you can do =)
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:31 PM
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You're good at writing. Have you ever thought about putting some of this passion to words and music? I'm serious, not making fun. It's helped me a lot through the years to process feelings and frustrations and you are BEYOND frustrated.

Of course, I don't suggest or promote violence, but this is where I envision that cast-iron skillet coming in handy. DON'T TRY THAT AT HOME. It's just a joke to maybe help.

Do you like comedy shows or movies? Go to one without him. Get away from the guy and cool off somehow without drinking. Or just come here and vent.

I swear, sometimes you wonder if you should enforce hearing aides on some people. Now, if I could somehow invent some sort of device to embed in their brains so they have better memories, I just might become rich.

Hang tough,
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:33 PM
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IDK what the answer is. I get stuff like that too from time to time from people. They forget I don't drink, the think the no drinking thing was a phase, they don't believe I really can't control alcohol once I start. I just have gotten used to it. My hubbs doesn't have a drinking problem so he does stupid stuff all the time like leaving cases of beer laying around. I protect myself on this one.

Does your hubby have a drinking problem too? If he doesn't he can't be expected to understand. Another thing when I first started my recovery I was scared and fearful I wouldn't make it. I don't think my husband had that fear because he drank plenty when he was younger and just outgrew it. Is your anger at him because you are a little scared you might screw up? Sometimes I would get a little ticked because I was busting my butt trying to fix this and I didn't feel like he cared. He didn't care because he didn't get it.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:46 PM
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Thanks guys. I'm feeling better already just from reading your responses.

My sobriety is totally up to me and I'm so glad I made this decision. Honestly best decision of my life. He has said things like "this isn't who I married"... But again, he has seen me at my worse... Does he want me to be that person? I doubt it.

He doesn't have a drinking problem. He might over drink sometimes but can honestly take it or leave it. I really liked what some of you said about me not expecting him to understand since he is a normie... I am angry at him for asking me to drink with hi because that's not real support. His denial is very frustrating. I'm getting my phone out and recording him in secret next time so I can replay it to him.

Is that wrong?

I need the Serenity Prayer times ten!!!

Thank you guys for listening. I have nobody else to talk to about this or support in my real life. This means more that you can ever imagine. I'm tearing up just writing this.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:50 PM
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[QUOTE=teatreeoil007;6075220]You're good at writing. Have you ever thought about putting some of this passion to words and music? I'm serious, not making fun. It's helped me a lot through the years to process feelings and frustrations and you are BEYOND frustrated.

I have written some poetry about an assault I suffered years ago. It did help me process it. I have also written about feelings of abandonment.

The funny thing is that I write and through away. I don't want anyone else to read it.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:51 PM
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You'll always have my support I know what your going to and can relate to it . Theres things I can write on here and people understand that I cant talk to someone in person about and they look at me like I have 10 heads and dont know what to say . Thats pretty messed up to say this is what I married just because you dont drink and want to better yourself.
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by foryoumyson View Post
You'll always have my support I know what your going to and can relate to it . Theres things I can write on here and people understand that I cant talk to someone in person about and they look at me like I have 10 heads and dont know what to say . Thats pretty messed up to say this is what I married just because you dont drink and want to better yourself.
The crazy thing is that he begged me to quit for so long... It's like he has amnesia. I was a maniac drunk. I refuse to be that person anymore!!!
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Old 08-02-2016, 07:56 PM
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Not everyone will understand - sometimes the ones closest to us won't. People I love dearly just wanted me to be 'normal'.

The only one who has to understand is me...I know whats best for me...
and over the years I've helped to re-define other people's idea of normal

stay true, now

D
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Old 08-02-2016, 08:13 PM
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Unfortunately, it's not other people's job to understand.

On another note, if you've just quit smoking pot a couple of weeks ago, then to be fair you've only quit getting loaded two weeks ago. People that knew me before and after don't offer me anything now. But with two weeks clean? You bet they did.
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Old 08-02-2016, 08:42 PM
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I would encourage you to keep writing and let it all out.... Keep it though...don't throw your poetry. out. .. Dear god that's good stuff
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Old 08-02-2016, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by IvanMike View Post
Unfortunately, it's not other people's job to understand.

On another note, if you've just quit smoking pot a couple of weeks ago, then to be fair you've only quit getting loaded two weeks ago. People that knew me before and after don't offer me anything now. But with two weeks clean? You bet they did.
I'm very sorry Ivan but it is completely different. I quit pot because I want to be healthy. Weed never made me act like a maniac, or blackout, or be belligerent and violent, or do things that embarrassed me or others and it never affected my life as terribly as alcohol did. So you think that it is ok for him to offer me booze because I was getting high? I completely disagree with you because in MY experience, it has been completely different. I have been at working at quitting booze for over 2 years. I have 2 years and fourth months in which I have drank 4 times. I went for 13 months straight at the beginning. Now I'm going to have 6 months without a drop. He has seen my struggle. I am a hundred percent sure that he wasn't thinking "she's smoking, she might drink", not at all.

I know it's not "his job" to understand but I want his support. I guess I have to learn to differentiate between what I want and what I need. I might want his support, but I don't need it.
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Old 08-02-2016, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post
I would encourage you to keep writing and let it all out.... Keep it though...don't throw your poetry. out. .. Dear god that's good stuff
I'm afraid someone might read it and I don't want these things to come out.

I have only talked about it here and told 1 friend. I have hinted it to my husband but I'm not prepared to discuss it openly. It happened 15 years ago and I'm just now starting to deal.
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Old 08-02-2016, 09:09 PM
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Hi Now

I think Ivan just meant that people in our lives sometimes become used to us quitting and then starting up again.

What was a lifetime for me was only a few weeks for others in my life.

D
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Old 08-02-2016, 09:50 PM
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Your husband married a drunk. However wonderful the sober you is, she is not the woman he married. So it may take time. It may take a lot of time. But eventually he will get used to who you have become.

Early recovery is harder on the spouse than we like to think. If you are only two weeks off pot, this is still pretty new. And just like you can get tempted by thinking about the fun parts of drinking and smoking pot, he can get tempted by the fun parts of who you were when drunk or stoned.

Maybe you can remind him of the not-so-fun parts of when you were drinking and smoking?

Has he ever considered Al-Anon?
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Old 08-02-2016, 10:06 PM
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I agree with much of what miamifella said;

Could there be a little envy going on here? He probably is not going to quickly adjust to the 'new you' any more than you are (but don't stop!). At the same time, when we see someone working hard at a self-improvement goal, sometimes we feel a bit like 'slackers' ourselves. He may not have 'problem' with substances, but he may also not be ready to engage in his use alone. Perhaps it makes himfeel as if HE is the "overindulgent" one.
I've found that you can't change anyone else - only yourself. BUT, I've also found that when I change, the people in my life start changing as well (if I mean enough to them).
Would it be at all possible to change how you react to - what in my opinion - are some pretty silly sabotage tactics: sharing a post election bottle? Really? Then he raised a ruckus over it? That's just childish, and perhaps you could learn to laugh at this nonsense and let him see that you refuse to take it seriously.
NOTHING should put your sobriety at risk, and if he won't ease up, I would flat out give him some silence. Sorry if I sound too radical. I don't like having my buttons pushed either.
Good for you for no playing the game
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Old 08-03-2016, 01:56 AM
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Sorry he's this way. Thing is, rage, anger and resentment are bigger enemies to us than the normies who offers us a drink. So, you have discovered that he is unhelpful. You have choices now about how to react. With rage (futile, energy zapping, triggering - remember HALT - anger)? Or with Acceptance? The unexpected inner resource? The thing that helps us to deal with life on life's terms, which is the aim of recovery.

I am not saying that he is right, or okay. That's nit the point. The point is that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

As someone said to me about my dad. "is he behaving different to how he usually behaves?" (My response was along the lines of 'no', but with lots more expletives involved). "Then why expectin him to change now?"

On my daily prayer and meditation sheets I have drawn a caution sign, and in it I have written 'I want..... But..... If only.....' to remind me that when I start down the road of wishful thinking, the next stop along it is generally self-pity, then a bit further along is rage and resentment.

Most of this is an inside job. Good luck.
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Old 08-03-2016, 03:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
You have choices now about how to react. With rage (futile, energy zapping, triggering - remember HALT - anger)? Or with Acceptance? The unexpected inner resource? The thing that helps us to deal with life on life's terms, which is the aim of recovery..
Powerful,post and excellent insight, Berrybean, thank you! I'm Just shy of 4 months sober, and currently, very slowly, working on step 4, and this is my focus each and every day. Wow, but it's a tough one for me to practice and try to let go off years of resentments, especially at my husband, who does not support my sobriety the way I 'want' (not need) him to. Life on life's terms as you say. Such a hard thing to try to live but so freeing if one can get there.
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Old 08-03-2016, 03:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
Thing is, rage, anger and resentment are bigger enemies to us than the normies who offers us a drink. So, you have discovered that he is unhelpful. You have choices now about how to react.
Exactly.
Your husband lost his drinking buddy, and he isn't handling it well. You can change it if you can, accept it if you can't, just be wise enough to know the difference.

Congrats on your continued sobriety in the face of adversity.
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