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Beyond furious!!!

Old 08-03-2016, 03:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Please bear in mind what Ivanmike said. I don't believe you would have continued smoking pot if there wasn't some feel good factor in it. Why would you?

The fact is you have now dropped both drugs and alcohol, and you are going to feel a little raw to say the least without your chemical friends to ease the discomfort of living sober.

Your partner sounds a bit of a clown, but he doesn't have the power to make you use again if you are committed to doing whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. And we'll support you on that.
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Old 08-03-2016, 04:09 AM
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We all have people around us who do not support us in many ways. It is what it is. Yes we get angry but as long as we stay sober thats ok. I have to say if I was an American and Trump wins I will deliberately drink myself to death. Although the other one is also a crook at least she wont push me over the edge.
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Old 08-03-2016, 04:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Nows I hope your feeling better I can imagine that made you furious someone close offering alcohol mrs sw would never do this so hear you on that

But the only thing I'd suggest is saying how much that bothered you in a non furious fashion & ask that he refrain from doing so again it's understandable this got you furious because he knows

There's a difference between knowing & understanding & it seems he knows but doesn't understand so don't get furious that's not good for us instead let it go & try to see because he isn't alcoholic he doesn't get it like we do hun x
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Old 08-03-2016, 04:45 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
I'm very sorry Ivan but it is completely different. I quit pot because I want to be healthy. Weed never made me act like a maniac, or blackout, or be belligerent and violent, or do things that embarrassed me or others and it never affected my life as terribly as alcohol did. So you think that it is ok for him to offer me booze because I was getting high? I completely disagree with you because in MY experience, it has been completely different. I have been at working at quitting booze for over 2 years. I have 2 years and fourth months in which I have drank 4 times. I went for 13 months straight at the beginning. Now I'm going to have 6 months without a drop. He has seen my struggle. I am a hundred percent sure that he wasn't thinking "she's smoking, she might drink", not at all.

I know it's not "his job" to understand but I want his support. I guess I have to learn to differentiate between what I want and what I need. I might want his support, but I don't need it.
Food for thought.

One of the reasons we tend to count consecutive lengths of clean time is that's what other people see. In any outside observer's eyes, you drank six months ago. They don't see two years and four months, and quite frankly, neither does your disease. (To be honest, your disease sees two weeks).

The second thing to think about is why you held on to smoking pot? Recovery isn't just about abstinence from the substances that caused us the most unmanagability, it's about looking at why we felt the need to get loaded in the first place.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not giving you a hard time. These are the same things that people that cared and that had experience confronted me with when I got clean. I tried to differentiate between the different drugs I was using and held onto the idea that some of them were more manageable than others.
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Old 08-03-2016, 05:06 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Next time he asks you, just say, "No Thank You".

Leave it at that. do not engage him further. Don't bring up that you've discussed this before. Just walk away with a no thank you.

Since you've already discussed this issue and he's refusing to accept your sobriety, don't engage him any further. Keep refusing and simply reply, No thank you and nothing further. Don't argue with him.

No thank you. I do not drink. Should he hand you a glass, pour it down the sink and say No thank you. I do not drink.

No point having the same argument over and over.
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Old 08-03-2016, 06:27 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I have found that sometimes people in our lives who still drink after we have quit feel threatened somehow, even if they don't really realize it. Because you are growing and changing, and they aren't. Even if your husband is a normie, he may feel afraid you are going to outgrow him somehow. So his fear comes out sideways, subtle (or not-so-subtle) attempts to sabotage your sobriety. Just my thoughts.
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Old 08-03-2016, 07:25 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
Because you are growing and changing, and they aren't. Even if your husband is a normie, he may feel afraid you are going to outgrow him somehow.
I agree with this. I take it that politics is a interest you share with him? And you might have many memories of the two of you sharing in it? He may be remembering the good elections and the conversations you had and wants to bring that back. Maybe he fears that the only way to engage you is with alcohol - because that is behavior he is used to. He may feel you don't want to talk politics with him anymore and if you don't want to do that then maybe you don't want him anymore.

Be firm with him and when he isn't supportive remember to act and not react. Instead of being fueled with rage and start a fight, tell him "No, I don't drink. Ever." And walk away.
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Old 08-03-2016, 08:48 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi NTT, I have not read the entire thread, but I understand your position. I think you did the right thing by POSTING about it. Get it out there, get it out of your system.

You know him better than the rest of us. Sometimes you gotta put down the hammer, some react better with a civil conversation. Or somewhere in between. You're smart, you'll figure it out.
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Old 08-03-2016, 09:07 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hope you feel a lil calmer now Nows x
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Old 08-03-2016, 10:37 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
I have found that sometimes people in our lives who still drink after we have quit feel threatened somehow, even if they don't really realize it. Because you are growing and changing, and they aren't. Even if your husband is a normie, he may feel afraid you are going to outgrow him somehow. So his fear comes out sideways, subtle (or not-so-subtle) attempts to sabotage your sobriety. Just my thoughts.
A real good explanation/description. ^^^^^

And, really, a good way to describe human behavior in general. When someone feels threatened, it often DOES 'come out sideways'....acting out, being childish, antagonizing, passive-aggressive. Really, I could sit around all day and analyze the MOTIVE and behavior of others ad-nauseam.

But when these behaviors come from someone who WE think should be one of our greatest support people, it seems like it's more difficult to live with and then we find ourselves reacting in ways that make us feel worse and can even make the situation worse.

What's the answer? I put myself in your place and yes, it's very hard NOT to just react. You probably need to detach somehow and keep your energy directed inward. You gonna grow more sober muscles as you go along and a lot of that I think is learning to be able to deflect a lot of the riff raff stuff going on in life that could just drag you down into the muck and mire.

It's likely that you have turned to alcohol and pot to 'numb out' this type of stuff before. Now you don't have that and it's life on life's terms, an expression we use a lot.

Hang tough, and don't give up.
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Old 08-03-2016, 03:08 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I don't think my husband took me seriously at first - because in previous attempts to either moderate or quit altogether, I'd cave as soon as he brought home the alcohol.

He kept stressing to me that "most people drink" and "most moms drink wine" etc. - I think because he knew a major point of relation for us is alcohol.

He's adjusting, and drinking much less himself these days. I just focus on keeping myself sober and trying to control my own behaviors - but in a quiet way, does that make sense? Even in a marriage, I think recovery in alcoholism is an intensely personal journey - you can't force someone to be on the same page as you.

Last edited by madgirl; 08-03-2016 at 03:09 PM. Reason: clarity
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Old 08-03-2016, 03:14 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
My sobriety is totally up to me and I'm so glad I made this decision. Honestly best decision of my life.
He doesn't have a drinking problem. He might over drink sometimes but can honestly take it or leave it. I really liked what some of you said about me not expecting him to understand since he is a normie... I am angry at him for asking me to drink with hi because that's not real support. His denial is very frustrating. I'm getting my phone out and recording him in secret next time so I can replay it to him.

Is that wrong?

.
In my opinion, yes, it's wrong. You are tying your sobriety and recovery to him and it's not like that. It's your recovery and it's up to you. If he asks you to have a drink with him, say 'No thanks' and head off to read a book or go for a walk. He doesn't understand addiction - most people don't, which is why we come here. Being angry towards him is simply hurting you.
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Old 08-03-2016, 07:38 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Thank you thank you thank you everyone for responding...

Some of these things I needed to hear. I was irritated by some of it but like Ivan said, it was food for thought for sure. I see a lot of truth in the logic and explanations that you guys offered and in my blind fury stupor I could have never reached some of these conclusions. So thank you all very much. Each of you said something meaningful to me.

Today we continued the argument and of course he finished with his usual "I'll never ask you again" which I have heard a lot. I have such a hard time controlling my temper and I unleash like a viper. I'm really trying to do better. I explained to him (again) that I can't have any, I don't want to. I used some of the awesome lines you guys have me and I reminded him of the horrible things that I did and that happened to me and us while I was drinking. I specially reminded him of a time when he was driving and I was drunk arguing with him and all of the sudden I reached over and put the truck on reverse... I'm lucky I didn't mess up the truck or cause an accident. This wasn't the only thing I brought up. I brought up a lot of things and he finally said that he didn't want that again. I use humor and say I am a macadamia... A nut!!

I'm trying to internalize that this isnt about him, that this is all about me and that he really has no power over me and my actions. I will not let my AV use his words to try to get at me. I have to grow and be a bigger person and not react and I have to control myself and not let him get to me but it's just soooo hard!!! I admire those mature people who can just do that. I have a long way to go.

I really like what you guys mentioned about perhaps making him uncomfortable by having him examine himself. This might ring true eventhough I have always stated that he can drink and smoke if he so desires. He keeps repeating that if he drinks and I don't we will not be "on the same level". I can see his point but I am honestly capable of enjoying conversation with him without substances. I have said this before. I sing and dance sober, I am silly and everything sober so the "same level" argument might have some grounds but I think that he has just made up his mind about this and won't give it a chance to happen. I feel that he feels judged by me and I have no room to judge him or anyone else. I was a binge drinker so he also has a hard time realizing that us alchies come in all kinds so it's also hard to accept in his mind that I am a boozer.

Another thing that I also needed to hear was the anger thing. You guys are so right! It only zaps me. I have to learn to let these things go. I have made progress but I have a long way to go.

Seriously: thanks so much for your input and feedback and for helping me grow. This place is truly priceless. Thank you for the understanding, honesty and support. Like I said I needed to hear some of your points. You guys are my SR family and I appreciate all of you so much. And Darwinia, thanks for the good laugh. I needed it.

Hugs and kisses to all of you!!!
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Old 08-04-2016, 02:37 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I love the macadamia line might have to use that myself
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Old 08-04-2016, 03:46 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MLD51 View Post
I have found that sometimes people in our lives who still drink after we have quit feel threatened somehow, even if they don't really realize it. Because you are growing and changing, and they aren't. Even if your husband is a normie, he may feel afraid you are going to outgrow him somehow. So his fear comes out sideways, subtle (or not-so-subtle) attempts to sabotage your sobriety. Just my thoughts.
MLD nailed it.

The last time when I quit I went through the same, I understand it more this time.

When I was in counseling I told my therapist that my husband was acting really odd towards me. He never tried the outlandish act of offering me alcohol he just wasn't himself. She asked if I knew why and I said, no, that's why I'm asking you and laughed. Then, she handed me a 7 piece puzzle and asked me to put it together. I did. She then asked me to take out 2 of the pieces and give them to her. In exchange, she handed me 2 other pieces from another puzzle and told me to again complete the puzzle. I looked at her like she was insane and laughed and she laughed back and said "just try". So I took the two pieces and tried in every way I could, turning them around. I finally looked at her and said "you and I both know these are not going to fit and complete the puzzle, what is this about?"

She then asked me how I felt when I tried to make the pieces fit and I thought about it. I said that it made me feel frustrated. She asked why and I said because she had changed the pieces of the puzzle and now I couldn't make them fit.

She looked at me and said "That's how your husband feels".

All of a sudden it made sense. Because of the changes in me my husband didn't know how to continue our days together as he had because I was a different person. He was trying to make the puzzle fit together when the pieces had changed.

In order to complete the puzzle both people must now adapt so that the pieces can change to make it whole again.

Far reaching here but I hope this concept helps you to understand that although you're changing, he needs to change too. Offering you alcohol is terrible. But, like MLD said he doesn't know how to deal with your sobriety. I'm sure he doesn't want the drunk you back but he doesn't know how to feel about the new you either. It's a definite adjustment period.
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Old 08-04-2016, 04:24 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Could it be that he is testing the waters to see where you are at in sticking with your sobriety? Maybe he's scared a relapse is around the corner? I dont know, but either way you're handling it very well. I'd probably let it go for now and chalk it up to his own insecurities. However, it it continued in the future - I'd think I would have to have a sit down and hash this out.
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Old 08-04-2016, 05:41 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
Another thing that I also needed to hear was the anger thing. You guys are so right! It only zaps me. I have to learn to let these things go. I have made progress but I have a long way to go.
My AV uses my anger to try to get what it wants. It's worked for it in the past as I've been angry and then got drunk at people to show them what's what.

I found the thought of punishing my AV by depriving it of anger was really good motivation for learning to control my temper.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 08-04-2016, 06:22 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I like the puzzle analogy, LadyBlue. When I was in treatment, we talked a lot about how our families would have to adjust to the changes in us. We all assumed things would be peachy now that we are sober. That just isn't the case. The family adjusted us drinking, taking on roles they normally wouldn't have to or want to. Now, they have to adjust again. Of course, in the long run, it should get better, But that kind of depends on the other people in the equation. Not everyone does well with change, even if it's for the better. That's not our responsibility. All we can do is be patient and continue to share how WE feel about things.
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Old 08-04-2016, 06:27 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Tell him that you need his support -- it's a husbands job.

Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post

What does "can we share a bottle of champagne to celebrate" mean? .
It's means that he does not understand what it means to be alcoholic.
Sad -- but true -- for he needs to be there -- so as to support you.

If you all have a copy on the AA Big Book, he needs to read it.
On my Sponsors advice, my wife read the Big Book.
It helped her to understand my condition -- sobering up drunk at the time.

M-Bob
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Old 08-04-2016, 07:14 AM
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I am late to this thread, and you have already received so much good advice that I am reluctant to try to add mine. But I will anyway.

You ARE different than when you were actively drinking. We ALL are. And your husband may like most of the changes, but resent others. Your resolve to stay sober is obviously the most important thing. That has to come first.

But beyond that, if you are willing to try to take a slightly different approach to the problem, consider this: In my own relationship, I have tried to identify the things that my wife may actually miss about my drinking days, and recapture that for her, just without the alcohol. For example, I am probably less spontaneous sober than I was when I was drinking. I am more inhibited (you can probably read between the lines as to what I mean on this point). I am less tolerant.

So, I have been trying to think of what I can do to improve that. For example, my wife wants me to attend an event this weekend with another couple which, I think, seems stupid and boring. But I probably wouldn't have thought so in my drinking days. So I have agreed to go. And I am sure it will be fine.

If you are able to get past the (justifiable) anger you feel about your husband's behavior, consider whether there are things that you can do (without alcohol or pot) that will make him less resentful of your recent sobriety. What might he miss about the drunk you that you can give him without affecting your sobriety and your integrity?

But, as I said at the beginning, your sobriety has to come first.

Just a thought.

Good luck. Let us know how things progress. We do care.
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