Two Weeks in to my Pattern.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Two Weeks in to my Pattern.
Hey everyone.
A couple of weeks ago I spent 10 days drinking a 750ml bottle of vodka a day after a six month sober stint. I'm 42 and live with my partner, my 6 year old son, I have shared custody of my 12 year old son and a 22 year old daughter who lives out of home.
Here's some of my back story, sorry it's a little long and comma heavy. I think I have a comma problem.
So, I was brought up by a hippy single mum who was an artist and ceramicist and we traveled around a lot, living in various communities etc. It was idyllic in some ways. Mum grew all our food, she even built her own little house from wood cut down from the land we lived on at one point. We swam in creeks, had no TV and the people she knew were all intelligent, deep-thinking types. I remember falling asleep at night, listening to them discussing philosophy, spirituality and art. Of course most of them smoked dope, but I wasn't really aware of that until I was around 10. That's when I had my first encounter with drugs. My friend and I found a joint and secretly smoked a tiny bit of it, we felt nothing of course, it just made us cough.
Fast forward to when I was 13 and I was beginning to love 'altered states', I was always seeking out the company of wild alternative adults like artists, musicians, punks, gothics, hippies etc and I thought that anyone who wasn't 'weird' or 'edgy' like that, was boring. I shunned sports, the sun, anything that required me to be energetic or part of a team. I saw 'joiners' as plebeian. Such a wanker eh? I was very mature for my age in some ways though, physically and intellectually, so I was easily accepted by these adults and I skipped school to hang out at their house and listen to 'The Jam', 'Kraftwerk' 'The birthday Party' and the like. It was so much more exciting than what my friends were doing as far as I was concerned. Netball? Ballet? Seriously? Ha!
That kind of life is forgivable I guess when you're young, emotionally undeveloped and responsibility free, but by the age of 20 I had my first child and post-natal depression hit me hard, I felt no real bond to my daughter and spent the first two weeks crying non-stop. They wouldn't let me leave the hospital that whole time, but failed to pick up on the depression cues so I went undiagnosed and returned home.
I wasn't taking drugs or partying anymore, but I started using alcohol at night as a way to self-medicate. It was a way of going away from my situation, without actually going anywhere. My daughter spent her entire childhood watching me drink. I wasn't a day drinker and didn't drink every single night either at that stage, but she eventually knew what was going on. Too many mornings spent on the couch, too many nights where she crawled into bed with me after a bad dream, only to find that she couldn't wake me. My heart aches when I think of how I abandoned her emotionally. I still did everything physically required of a mother. There was always healthy food in the fridge, school lunches made, I kept the house immaculate, made sure she got everything she wanted at Christmas and got my friends and family to take her on lots of excursions and to community events. But I wasn't there. I felt no connection to her, no bond. I was just going through the motions of being a mother. I was affectionate with her, but my heart was never in it, I was just performing another duty. I felt defective, like the worst mother ever. All the magazines had told me that the rush of love you feel when your child is born, was so powerful and amazing that you'd be bathed in that love for the rest of your life. When I felt nothing even close to that, I thought there was something wrong with me. What kind of monster feels no bond with her child? My kind it seemed.
Fast forward again to the start of my 30's and I've just had another baby. This was totally different though, the magazines were right! Oh god how I adored my little boy. I'd never felt a love like this. Nothing he did ever felt difficult or tiring. Even the constant waking at night felt like a blessing as it meant I got to be with him more. I couldn't believe how beautiful everything felt and I finally began feeling like a good mother. I still drank sometimes, but not really to excess and things began to feel like they were moving in the right direction. My partner and I bought a house, we owned a pizza shop and had a pretty good life in lots of ways. At this point in my life my Mum disclosed to me that after I was born she had post-natal depression and had never felt bonded to me. It shocked me on two levels because I had no idea she didn't feel love for me when I was little and also because the way she described it was exactly the same as how I'd felt with my daughter. It even felt hereditary as her mother had been even more disconnected to her and fobbed her off to a nanny from birth.
Anyway, back to my situation and I knew something wasn't working in my relationship. I started dreading sex which had never happened to me before and I was drinking to get through it. It became impossible for me to endure it any longer so after two years I left my partner as I also didn't want to put him through a sexless life. We parted amicably, committed to being kind to each other and flexible with our shared parenting roles (something we still do and which I'm very proud of).
So my little guy started going to his dads for two nights a week.My daughter was still with me, she was 12 at that point and had started high-school. I started drinking heavily for those two days off. I'd sit up all night, listening to music through my headphones, writing on my blog and chatting to fellow bloggers from all over the world. I felt young again, a bit wild and interesting again as my writing was pretty good when I was drunk and people were giving me lots of praise. I think I fancied myself to be a bit of a Bukowski figure or something, an author I'd loved since I was 12. But I wasn't Bukowski, I was just me, a mum and a drunk with a daughter watching on in dismay. She decided to go live with her dad after one tearful conversation. She didn't want to watch me do this stuff again and who could blame her? So off she went and I was even more free to drink. I began to day drink while my boy was away, he was now old enough to be with his dad for an extra night so I had three nights to devote to drinking, writing and impressing people on the internet. Yay me! What a winner.
Of course I ended up in an internet romance or two. The first one was in the U.K which is a bit too far away from Australia to go anywhere serious, but the next one was in Brisbane so within a couple of months he was visiting me and then he never left. This became my most intense time of drinking as he was into it too. We drank case after case of beer on my days off and that lasted an entire year before I left him.
My now partner came along straight away. I'd been friends with him online for years and had been very attracted to him but felt like he was WAY out of my league. (I still feel this way sometimes after 8 years) But he didn't think he was, he thought I was wonderful and amazing and he'd been a big fan of my blog so off we went into an incredible romance. He lived 3 hours away so it was a bit of a long distance love situation. He'd catch trains to visit every week or so, but the rest of our romance occurred online. He had been a You-Tuber at this point for a couple of years and so he'd send me gorgeous little videos of him singing funny songs on the ukulele for me or just reading poems to me or from books he loved. We'd cook together via webcam, take each other on tours of our towns and just generally be together as much as we could. It was a crazy wonderful feeling, being loved by this man who was so intelligent, well-read, artistic, gentle and impossibly good-looking. My 13 year old self thought she'd died and gone to heart-throb heaven.
Of course I was still drinking, but it was vodka now, no day drinking and just on my nights off from my little guy who was 4 by now. My new partner had an ancient history of drugs and drinking, he was a heroin addict between the ages of 21 to 25 but he'd gone to rehab, kicked it without ever looking back and then stopped drinking problematically soon after. Bloody rare, I know.
Anyway, at first he was happy to have a few drinks with me, not knowing it was a problem as I didn't know it was a problem at that point either. But after a few times where I treated him nastily, he quickly stopped drinking with me and then after I fell pregnant I mostly stopped too, although to my shame I still had the occasional wine here and there.
So along comes our little boy, I was elated as I believed I'd only had difficulties with my daughter because of my family history of dysfunctional mother/daughter dynamics. Not true though. When my little boy was born I did feel a bond, but it wasn't as strong as I'd felt with my first son. At this point my daughter was back living with us and we'd taken in one of her friends from high school as her dad was abusive towards her. My daughters boyfriend was always at our house too along with lots of her other friends. My partner and I had become adults that these young people could come and talk to about their problems when their parents wouldn't listen. So life at our house was full and our energy was stretched thin trying to look after everyone. Cue my drinking again once I stopped breastfeeding.
So over the years I went back and forth, drinking a few wines every night sometimes, stopping for a few weeks at a time sometimes too etc. My partner was expressing concern so I couldn't drink all the time, plus I'd begun to see it was a problem too. My fear of sex began to rear it's ugly head again which petrified me, I wasn't prepared to leave this guy, ever. So I decided to start attending a therapy course at a womens drug and alcohol cottage. It was using a harm minimisation approach rather than abstinence based which thrilled me. I thought yay! They're going to teach me how to drink! I don't have to give it up at all! Ha.
The group work was amazing, I felt such a kinship with these women even though many of them were people I'd never normally associate with. There were women on day release from prison, women from high and low socioeconomic backgrounds, artists and even sporty types and I liked them all. Gasp, what would 13 year old me think? The horror!
Eventually I started doing one on one therapy with one of the cottages founders and that's where the real work began. The cottage had a CBT, mindfulness, neuro-scientific and strength based, solution focused approach to harm minimisation and my therapy sessions were life changing. Ill never forget when my therapist said "I don't think you have a problem with alcohol, I think you have a problem with connection". As my history slowly came out, including some sexual abuse, it all started making sense. I associated connection with pain and confusion. Having a mother who felt no connection to me,but faked it as if she did, would've been incredibly confusing as a child. Kids know when you're not there in a heartfelt, connected way. They're sensitive little beings, wired for love and they feel incredibly alone and confused when all they receive are mixed messages. So exploring all this stuff and more was pretty powerful and it changed my relationship to drinking. I could never go back to being unaware, even if I did go back to drinking. So for the past three years since the therapy, I've been in a bit of a pattern. Clean for 6-10 months, and then I'll think I'm ok and have a drink socially. Ill be fine for a couple of days afterwards and won't drink.But that channel in my brain has already opened and before I know it, I'm knee-deep in a 5-10 day binge. So that's where I am now. Two weeks sober but dreading the next one. I know I'm safe for at least 6 months, but I don't trust my brain past then. I'm currently studying community services and getting distinctions for my work, but I'm afraid I'll never be any good in this kind of work if I keep falling down this hole.
My pattern is this. I drink, I get myself out of the hole, I start feeling good, I stretch myself thin helping everyone and being super-mum because I want to erase the binge under an avalanche of good deeds and community work, then I drink, rinse-repeat.
So that's me. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I know it was a bit long-winded and self absorbed. A friend who's in recovery said it could help to write out my drinking story and join a recovery site, so here I am
A couple of weeks ago I spent 10 days drinking a 750ml bottle of vodka a day after a six month sober stint. I'm 42 and live with my partner, my 6 year old son, I have shared custody of my 12 year old son and a 22 year old daughter who lives out of home.
Here's some of my back story, sorry it's a little long and comma heavy. I think I have a comma problem.
So, I was brought up by a hippy single mum who was an artist and ceramicist and we traveled around a lot, living in various communities etc. It was idyllic in some ways. Mum grew all our food, she even built her own little house from wood cut down from the land we lived on at one point. We swam in creeks, had no TV and the people she knew were all intelligent, deep-thinking types. I remember falling asleep at night, listening to them discussing philosophy, spirituality and art. Of course most of them smoked dope, but I wasn't really aware of that until I was around 10. That's when I had my first encounter with drugs. My friend and I found a joint and secretly smoked a tiny bit of it, we felt nothing of course, it just made us cough.
Fast forward to when I was 13 and I was beginning to love 'altered states', I was always seeking out the company of wild alternative adults like artists, musicians, punks, gothics, hippies etc and I thought that anyone who wasn't 'weird' or 'edgy' like that, was boring. I shunned sports, the sun, anything that required me to be energetic or part of a team. I saw 'joiners' as plebeian. Such a wanker eh? I was very mature for my age in some ways though, physically and intellectually, so I was easily accepted by these adults and I skipped school to hang out at their house and listen to 'The Jam', 'Kraftwerk' 'The birthday Party' and the like. It was so much more exciting than what my friends were doing as far as I was concerned. Netball? Ballet? Seriously? Ha!
That kind of life is forgivable I guess when you're young, emotionally undeveloped and responsibility free, but by the age of 20 I had my first child and post-natal depression hit me hard, I felt no real bond to my daughter and spent the first two weeks crying non-stop. They wouldn't let me leave the hospital that whole time, but failed to pick up on the depression cues so I went undiagnosed and returned home.
I wasn't taking drugs or partying anymore, but I started using alcohol at night as a way to self-medicate. It was a way of going away from my situation, without actually going anywhere. My daughter spent her entire childhood watching me drink. I wasn't a day drinker and didn't drink every single night either at that stage, but she eventually knew what was going on. Too many mornings spent on the couch, too many nights where she crawled into bed with me after a bad dream, only to find that she couldn't wake me. My heart aches when I think of how I abandoned her emotionally. I still did everything physically required of a mother. There was always healthy food in the fridge, school lunches made, I kept the house immaculate, made sure she got everything she wanted at Christmas and got my friends and family to take her on lots of excursions and to community events. But I wasn't there. I felt no connection to her, no bond. I was just going through the motions of being a mother. I was affectionate with her, but my heart was never in it, I was just performing another duty. I felt defective, like the worst mother ever. All the magazines had told me that the rush of love you feel when your child is born, was so powerful and amazing that you'd be bathed in that love for the rest of your life. When I felt nothing even close to that, I thought there was something wrong with me. What kind of monster feels no bond with her child? My kind it seemed.
Fast forward again to the start of my 30's and I've just had another baby. This was totally different though, the magazines were right! Oh god how I adored my little boy. I'd never felt a love like this. Nothing he did ever felt difficult or tiring. Even the constant waking at night felt like a blessing as it meant I got to be with him more. I couldn't believe how beautiful everything felt and I finally began feeling like a good mother. I still drank sometimes, but not really to excess and things began to feel like they were moving in the right direction. My partner and I bought a house, we owned a pizza shop and had a pretty good life in lots of ways. At this point in my life my Mum disclosed to me that after I was born she had post-natal depression and had never felt bonded to me. It shocked me on two levels because I had no idea she didn't feel love for me when I was little and also because the way she described it was exactly the same as how I'd felt with my daughter. It even felt hereditary as her mother had been even more disconnected to her and fobbed her off to a nanny from birth.
Anyway, back to my situation and I knew something wasn't working in my relationship. I started dreading sex which had never happened to me before and I was drinking to get through it. It became impossible for me to endure it any longer so after two years I left my partner as I also didn't want to put him through a sexless life. We parted amicably, committed to being kind to each other and flexible with our shared parenting roles (something we still do and which I'm very proud of).
So my little guy started going to his dads for two nights a week.My daughter was still with me, she was 12 at that point and had started high-school. I started drinking heavily for those two days off. I'd sit up all night, listening to music through my headphones, writing on my blog and chatting to fellow bloggers from all over the world. I felt young again, a bit wild and interesting again as my writing was pretty good when I was drunk and people were giving me lots of praise. I think I fancied myself to be a bit of a Bukowski figure or something, an author I'd loved since I was 12. But I wasn't Bukowski, I was just me, a mum and a drunk with a daughter watching on in dismay. She decided to go live with her dad after one tearful conversation. She didn't want to watch me do this stuff again and who could blame her? So off she went and I was even more free to drink. I began to day drink while my boy was away, he was now old enough to be with his dad for an extra night so I had three nights to devote to drinking, writing and impressing people on the internet. Yay me! What a winner.
Of course I ended up in an internet romance or two. The first one was in the U.K which is a bit too far away from Australia to go anywhere serious, but the next one was in Brisbane so within a couple of months he was visiting me and then he never left. This became my most intense time of drinking as he was into it too. We drank case after case of beer on my days off and that lasted an entire year before I left him.
My now partner came along straight away. I'd been friends with him online for years and had been very attracted to him but felt like he was WAY out of my league. (I still feel this way sometimes after 8 years) But he didn't think he was, he thought I was wonderful and amazing and he'd been a big fan of my blog so off we went into an incredible romance. He lived 3 hours away so it was a bit of a long distance love situation. He'd catch trains to visit every week or so, but the rest of our romance occurred online. He had been a You-Tuber at this point for a couple of years and so he'd send me gorgeous little videos of him singing funny songs on the ukulele for me or just reading poems to me or from books he loved. We'd cook together via webcam, take each other on tours of our towns and just generally be together as much as we could. It was a crazy wonderful feeling, being loved by this man who was so intelligent, well-read, artistic, gentle and impossibly good-looking. My 13 year old self thought she'd died and gone to heart-throb heaven.
Of course I was still drinking, but it was vodka now, no day drinking and just on my nights off from my little guy who was 4 by now. My new partner had an ancient history of drugs and drinking, he was a heroin addict between the ages of 21 to 25 but he'd gone to rehab, kicked it without ever looking back and then stopped drinking problematically soon after. Bloody rare, I know.
Anyway, at first he was happy to have a few drinks with me, not knowing it was a problem as I didn't know it was a problem at that point either. But after a few times where I treated him nastily, he quickly stopped drinking with me and then after I fell pregnant I mostly stopped too, although to my shame I still had the occasional wine here and there.
So along comes our little boy, I was elated as I believed I'd only had difficulties with my daughter because of my family history of dysfunctional mother/daughter dynamics. Not true though. When my little boy was born I did feel a bond, but it wasn't as strong as I'd felt with my first son. At this point my daughter was back living with us and we'd taken in one of her friends from high school as her dad was abusive towards her. My daughters boyfriend was always at our house too along with lots of her other friends. My partner and I had become adults that these young people could come and talk to about their problems when their parents wouldn't listen. So life at our house was full and our energy was stretched thin trying to look after everyone. Cue my drinking again once I stopped breastfeeding.
So over the years I went back and forth, drinking a few wines every night sometimes, stopping for a few weeks at a time sometimes too etc. My partner was expressing concern so I couldn't drink all the time, plus I'd begun to see it was a problem too. My fear of sex began to rear it's ugly head again which petrified me, I wasn't prepared to leave this guy, ever. So I decided to start attending a therapy course at a womens drug and alcohol cottage. It was using a harm minimisation approach rather than abstinence based which thrilled me. I thought yay! They're going to teach me how to drink! I don't have to give it up at all! Ha.
The group work was amazing, I felt such a kinship with these women even though many of them were people I'd never normally associate with. There were women on day release from prison, women from high and low socioeconomic backgrounds, artists and even sporty types and I liked them all. Gasp, what would 13 year old me think? The horror!
Eventually I started doing one on one therapy with one of the cottages founders and that's where the real work began. The cottage had a CBT, mindfulness, neuro-scientific and strength based, solution focused approach to harm minimisation and my therapy sessions were life changing. Ill never forget when my therapist said "I don't think you have a problem with alcohol, I think you have a problem with connection". As my history slowly came out, including some sexual abuse, it all started making sense. I associated connection with pain and confusion. Having a mother who felt no connection to me,but faked it as if she did, would've been incredibly confusing as a child. Kids know when you're not there in a heartfelt, connected way. They're sensitive little beings, wired for love and they feel incredibly alone and confused when all they receive are mixed messages. So exploring all this stuff and more was pretty powerful and it changed my relationship to drinking. I could never go back to being unaware, even if I did go back to drinking. So for the past three years since the therapy, I've been in a bit of a pattern. Clean for 6-10 months, and then I'll think I'm ok and have a drink socially. Ill be fine for a couple of days afterwards and won't drink.But that channel in my brain has already opened and before I know it, I'm knee-deep in a 5-10 day binge. So that's where I am now. Two weeks sober but dreading the next one. I know I'm safe for at least 6 months, but I don't trust my brain past then. I'm currently studying community services and getting distinctions for my work, but I'm afraid I'll never be any good in this kind of work if I keep falling down this hole.
My pattern is this. I drink, I get myself out of the hole, I start feeling good, I stretch myself thin helping everyone and being super-mum because I want to erase the binge under an avalanche of good deeds and community work, then I drink, rinse-repeat.
So that's me. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I know it was a bit long-winded and self absorbed. A friend who's in recovery said it could help to write out my drinking story and join a recovery site, so here I am
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Thanks for sharing your story Pixus. Sounds like you've made some good progress. Speaking for myself, I just have to accept that I cannot drink, no matter what. Not socially, not even one. Because it never ends there. I've experimented enough times to know Maybe you're the same way.
By the way I love Bukowski too. I don't seem to read him as much now that I'm sober though. I think I liked to read him when I was drinking because he made me feel slightly less wretched :P
Maybe you're the same way. By the way I love Bukowski too. I don't seem to read him as much now that I'm sober though. I think I liked to read him when I was drinking because he made me feel slightly less wretched :P
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Hello Pixus, welcome. I also suffered PPD when my triplets were born. I remember telling my mom I felt like I was in a prison and wouldn't get out until they were 18. Gosh, it was horrible. Thankfully, anti-depressants worked really well and my little "babies" are now 19 and heading to college.
I think many people use alcohol to deal with their feelings. It seems to work for awhile because it numbs pain pretty well....at least until alcohol creates its own pain and repercussions.
I decided to go to inpatient rehab to quit. My husband had filed for divorce and took custody of our son, citing my drinking. I didn't want to mess around so I found a great rehab and stayed there 7 weeks. I've been sober 8 months now.
Sounds like you've realized you can't drink moderately. Do you have a plan?
I think many people use alcohol to deal with their feelings. It seems to work for awhile because it numbs pain pretty well....at least until alcohol creates its own pain and repercussions.
I decided to go to inpatient rehab to quit. My husband had filed for divorce and took custody of our son, citing my drinking. I didn't want to mess around so I found a great rehab and stayed there 7 weeks. I've been sober 8 months now.
Sounds like you've realized you can't drink moderately. Do you have a plan?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi and welcoem Pixus
thanks for sharing a little of your story
a lot of us would return to drinking once we felt good again...I know I did.
Coming here, becoming part of the community, posting and reading daily or more than daily really helped me to break that pattern.
It's hard to rationalise you weren't that bad when it's there in black and white that you were that bad.
why not join our class of July support thread as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Patterns, no matter how old or how entrenched they might be, can be broken
D
thanks for sharing a little of your story
a lot of us would return to drinking once we felt good again...I know I did.
Coming here, becoming part of the community, posting and reading daily or more than daily really helped me to break that pattern.
It's hard to rationalise you weren't that bad when it's there in black and white that you were that bad.
why not join our class of July support thread as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Patterns, no matter how old or how entrenched they might be, can be broken
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 254
Thanks for sharing your story. I can really identify with your teenage years, I was a goth/punk/hippie kid on any given day.
And I understand the romantic ideal of Bukowski, I totally related to Barfly and Factotum, sadly
Glad to have you on here.
And I understand the romantic ideal of Bukowski, I totally related to Barfly and Factotum, sadly
Glad to have you on here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Thanks everyone. I'm really starting to feel the positive effects of this site today. I've always lurked on recovery sites but now I'm finding that the more I post or comment here, the more connected I feel to my recovery and all the fantastic people on SR. So grateful towards everyone right now. <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Soberella66 
Thanks for sharing your story. I can really identify with your teenage years, I was a goth/punk/hippie kid on any given day.
And I understand the romantic ideal of Bukowski, I totally related to Barfly and Factotum, sadly
Glad to have you on here.
And I understand the romantic ideal of Bukowski, I totally related to Barfly and Factotum, sadly
Glad to have you on here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi and welcoem Pixus
thanks for sharing a little of your story
a lot of us would return to drinking once we felt good again...I know I did.
Coming here, becoming part of the community, posting and reading daily or more than daily really helped me to break that pattern.
It's hard to rationalise you weren't that bad when it's there in black and white that you were that bad.
why not join our class of July support thread as well?
Patterns, no matter how old or how entrenched they might be, can be broken
D
thanks for sharing a little of your story
a lot of us would return to drinking once we felt good again...I know I did.
Coming here, becoming part of the community, posting and reading daily or more than daily really helped me to break that pattern.
It's hard to rationalise you weren't that bad when it's there in black and white that you were that bad.
why not join our class of July support thread as well?
Patterns, no matter how old or how entrenched they might be, can be broken
D
(when I quoted you it wouldn't let me include your link, sorry about that)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I'm drawn into the details of a story and read every word of yours. Thank you for sharing and being honest. I love this forum and venue because there's no reason to not be totally truthful and it's a good opportunity to look into the mirror.
Patterns break, as someone wisely said above, you are already doing something outside of your pattern this time - you're here!
Patterns break, as someone wisely said above, you are already doing something outside of your pattern this time - you're here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Thanks Wells
I love this site too, as you know, your story has been giving me one of the 'kicks up the bum' I needed! I've been reading a lot about the 'pink cloud syndrome' over the last day and it's resounding with me heavily. There I was, running around, feeling invincible and doing everything I could to appear like the binge never happened, whilst neglecting all the inner work I needed to keep doing in order to stay sober. It's been incredibly humbling being on here and learning new things. I thought I knew everything about recovery but I didn't at all. I'm loving the new learning and it's giving me hope I can kick this pattern for good. When I thought I knew everything, I was losing hope because I couldn't understand why I kept going back if I was so damn knowledgeable and all. Now I know I only know the tip of the iceberg, I feel excited, there's new work to be done.
I love this site too, as you know, your story has been giving me one of the 'kicks up the bum' I needed! I've been reading a lot about the 'pink cloud syndrome' over the last day and it's resounding with me heavily. There I was, running around, feeling invincible and doing everything I could to appear like the binge never happened, whilst neglecting all the inner work I needed to keep doing in order to stay sober. It's been incredibly humbling being on here and learning new things. I thought I knew everything about recovery but I didn't at all. I'm loving the new learning and it's giving me hope I can kick this pattern for good. When I thought I knew everything, I was losing hope because I couldn't understand why I kept going back if I was so damn knowledgeable and all. Now I know I only know the tip of the iceberg, I feel excited, there's new work to be done.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can totally relate to the idea of doing "everything physical" for your kids with the Ts crossed and the Is dotted, all while being emotionally unavailable...UGH. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Thanks luvmygirls and least
I'm so glad I started posting here. I was a lurker at first and I'd only come here and read other peoples postings during my first couple of days into sobriety when I was feeling horrendous. Now that I've started posting myself and interacting on here, I come back every day.
If there's any lurkers here reading this, I highly recommend getting more involved on here as it keeps you coming back. It's a bit like the Facebook effect, if you post something or make a comment, you're likely to keep checking back to see what other people are saying and that keeps you connected to recovery. Sober recovery has become my new Facebook and I've deactivated my actual FB account. I'm not interested in seeing all those dibillitating 'mummy needs wine' posts or photos of friends with a constant drink in their hands. They try to make it all look soooo effortless and glamorous even though I know their real truths as they've told me privately of their struggles. I need the company of people who aren't in denial online.
I'm so glad I started posting here. I was a lurker at first and I'd only come here and read other peoples postings during my first couple of days into sobriety when I was feeling horrendous. Now that I've started posting myself and interacting on here, I come back every day.
If there's any lurkers here reading this, I highly recommend getting more involved on here as it keeps you coming back. It's a bit like the Facebook effect, if you post something or make a comment, you're likely to keep checking back to see what other people are saying and that keeps you connected to recovery. Sober recovery has become my new Facebook and I've deactivated my actual FB account. I'm not interested in seeing all those dibillitating 'mummy needs wine' posts or photos of friends with a constant drink in their hands. They try to make it all look soooo effortless and glamorous even though I know their real truths as they've told me privately of their struggles. I need the company of people who aren't in denial online.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
oh yes, coming out of lurking and really participating is very different from just reading while hiding. glad you're finding it useful, Pixus.
When I thought I knew everything, I was losing hope because I couldn't understand why I kept going back if I was so damn knowledgeable and all.
yes, that was a conundrum for me, too.
i once heard someone put it this way: the reason people relapse is because they already know how not to.
ugh, ja!
My pattern is this. I drink, I get myself out of the hole, I start feeling good, I stretch myself thin helping everyone and being super-mum because I want to erase the binge under an avalanche of good deeds and community work, then I drink, rinse-repeat.
so that's great! you know what is NOT a solution.
process of elimination is one way of going about finding one that works.
another way is to read lots in places like this, talk with real-life sober alcoholics and find out what worked for them as an ongoing solution and see if you're willing to follow those routes.
When I thought I knew everything, I was losing hope because I couldn't understand why I kept going back if I was so damn knowledgeable and all.
yes, that was a conundrum for me, too.
i once heard someone put it this way: the reason people relapse is because they already know how not to.
ugh, ja!
My pattern is this. I drink, I get myself out of the hole, I start feeling good, I stretch myself thin helping everyone and being super-mum because I want to erase the binge under an avalanche of good deeds and community work, then I drink, rinse-repeat.
so that's great! you know what is NOT a solution.
process of elimination is one way of going about finding one that works.
another way is to read lots in places like this, talk with real-life sober alcoholics and find out what worked for them as an ongoing solution and see if you're willing to follow those routes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Sometimes it feels like this is a process of elimination. I've managed to learn ways to handle a huge amount of the triggers that used to set me off, now it feels like there's just this constant maintenance that needs to go on so I'm not blindsided every 6/10 months.
Stretching myself thin after a relapse is the big one these days. And it's so hard to resist doing it, as it brings an almost immediate relief from the shame and guilt. But it's not sustainable, so it's got to go. I know I'm just going to have to sit with this discomfort rather than try and manically fix it before it's time.
Stretching myself thin after a relapse is the big one these days. And it's so hard to resist doing it, as it brings an almost immediate relief from the shame and guilt. But it's not sustainable, so it's got to go. I know I'm just going to have to sit with this discomfort rather than try and manically fix it before it's time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome....
Thank you for sharing.
We have a lot of similarities to your own story - us folks round here.
And ya know what? Another similarity is that the pattern can be changed through your own conscious choice and action.
And your life can be wildly improved in ways you can't even imagine.
Stick around, keep at it. It's so worth it.
Thank you for sharing.
We have a lot of similarities to your own story - us folks round here.
And ya know what? Another similarity is that the pattern can be changed through your own conscious choice and action.
And your life can be wildly improved in ways you can't even imagine.
Stick around, keep at it. It's so worth it.
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