Newbie, hello all
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Feeling feelings is really challenging for me, perhaps for any drinker.
I mean half the point of drinking, and nearly all the point at the end of my drinking,
was simply to numb myself and not feel any of the pain or worry or anger.
I keep journals as well--it was what I did when I quit on my own cold turkey.
That and I read the entire Game of Thrones boxed book set. . . this was over
five years ago now, before the series became a show.
It's good you send the update emails even if they don't respond.
I try and keep in contact with my brother who lives down there in Oz
as well, although left to myself, I'd most likely not contact or keep in contact
with anyone at all.
I tend to isolate quite a bit, but he hasn't given up on trying to make us a family
even with no parents left and a lot of painful alcoholic memories we both
would rather forget from my divorced mother who raised us.
I appreciate his love of life and wish I was able to engage a bit more.
I think tracking your "feeling score" is very wise and I might take that up as well.
Trending upwards is a very hopeful sign the deep work you are doing is working.
I'm also working on being a kinder, more responsive person to others.
It is a win-win situation to reach out and support another person when you can.
That's something SR can really help with when you are ready Icarus. . .
Nobody understands what coming up out of the drunken pit is unless they've lived it,
and that's where we can really shine a light of hope and lend
a hand of support.
Hope you are having a 6.5 or better day
I mean half the point of drinking, and nearly all the point at the end of my drinking,
was simply to numb myself and not feel any of the pain or worry or anger.
I keep journals as well--it was what I did when I quit on my own cold turkey.
That and I read the entire Game of Thrones boxed book set. . . this was over
five years ago now, before the series became a show.
It's good you send the update emails even if they don't respond.
I try and keep in contact with my brother who lives down there in Oz
as well, although left to myself, I'd most likely not contact or keep in contact
with anyone at all.
I tend to isolate quite a bit, but he hasn't given up on trying to make us a family
even with no parents left and a lot of painful alcoholic memories we both
would rather forget from my divorced mother who raised us.
I appreciate his love of life and wish I was able to engage a bit more.
I think tracking your "feeling score" is very wise and I might take that up as well.
Trending upwards is a very hopeful sign the deep work you are doing is working.
I'm also working on being a kinder, more responsive person to others.
It is a win-win situation to reach out and support another person when you can.
That's something SR can really help with when you are ready Icarus. . .
Nobody understands what coming up out of the drunken pit is unless they've lived it,
and that's where we can really shine a light of hope and lend
a hand of support.
Hope you are having a 6.5 or better day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,681
Hello bodies. Been talking quietly with some one b-4. We all have sad stories. To listen to others, to learn and grow from their experiences, to have the privilege of connecting to another. I learn empathy, compassion, understanding of self and others. Respect, sharing life. Isn't that what life is about? (Rhetorical). Ic2
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Hello all. Yes this site is good, cathartic. Tonight's deep thought? Well, when I do not want to address a thought/feeling it usually means it is because I am out of my comfort zone. Meaning the best time to confront, reflect, learn and grow. I have figured out why breaking up with ex is hurting. She was my best friend and I loved her- although she disputes this. I went on to ask myself why? All the girl friends I have had up to and including ex were from troubled child hoods, smart, perceptive, aiming for achievement, strong willed and in need of being wanted/loved. That is me. See a pattern? Something for me to think on . Of course booze very much precipitated dysfunction. Icarus.
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Think I have just clicked replying to myself. 4 months sober- survived horrific injuries, survived poor unsafe living conditions. Am now safe, getting very positive feedback from social workers, psychologist, doctor, recovery counsellors, even friends have not seem for years. My son's birthday this week (29). I love him, am proud/admire/think about my 2 sons constantly. Sent him email saying just that- no hints of wanting sympathy- just happy birthday- iterating the above and regardless of how he chooses to see me in his life- I am still his dad and am here. Despite all logic, feedback, reflecting, prayer, hope....I hurt. Know what to do, how and why to do stuff to maintain good recovery- grow. Still hurts-(teary,sniff). Have not heard from sons since before trauma almost I year ago. (more sniffs). Oh well enough of feeling miserable- did not fall off the horse, it just so happens this horse is not terribly friendly. Icarus.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I read once how those of us who are broken around the edges look for others
who are also broken around the edges in a complimentary way--
that way we lock together as a single unit, instead of two individual units
which function well together and apart.
I know I've done that in every relationship I've had--
It is sad you haven't heard from your sons, but give it time and keep healing
yourself.
I think just "Happy Birthday" was the right thing to send.
How are you mending physically these days Ic?
(Ic OK or do you prefer full name
)?
who are also broken around the edges in a complimentary way--
that way we lock together as a single unit, instead of two individual units
which function well together and apart.
I know I've done that in every relationship I've had--
It is sad you haven't heard from your sons, but give it time and keep healing
yourself.
I think just "Happy Birthday" was the right thing to send.
How are you mending physically these days Ic?
(Ic OK or do you prefer full name
)?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,681
Hi h/e. Your message hinted perhaps of co-dependency? Well I know in myself not the case. How am I doing physically/emotionally? Apparently very well according to the professional support I make myself listen to. Except 1 thing... This in part is causative of alcohol.
One counsellor I see has me working thru a referenced workbook of reflective stuff based on self esteem. One section suggests that the way one treats one's body is a metaphor for the soul. To look in a mirror on a regular basis, meditate and affirm a positive image. Because of severe burns- and the life time legacy of that incident- my metaphor will never go away. Not a tattoo that can be removed. So "ick" sums up half of me quite nicely. Do not dwell on it too much. I can mentally heal until the cows come home- the fact remains that I will have a constant reminder of drinking. People see my disfigurement- burns glove, full body burns suit and inevitably ask- how? Many people do not take a hint off the bat, so once they get the picture- I usually feel very much out of place. Not an ice breaker at parties. So getting there, thankyou. Lots of stuff. But (cheesy movie) as Hugh Jackman says to Frankenstein while ripping bolts out of him in Van Helsing- Pain reminds us were alive. Could be worse. Ic2
One counsellor I see has me working thru a referenced workbook of reflective stuff based on self esteem. One section suggests that the way one treats one's body is a metaphor for the soul. To look in a mirror on a regular basis, meditate and affirm a positive image. Because of severe burns- and the life time legacy of that incident- my metaphor will never go away. Not a tattoo that can be removed. So "ick" sums up half of me quite nicely. Do not dwell on it too much. I can mentally heal until the cows come home- the fact remains that I will have a constant reminder of drinking. People see my disfigurement- burns glove, full body burns suit and inevitably ask- how? Many people do not take a hint off the bat, so once they get the picture- I usually feel very much out of place. Not an ice breaker at parties. So getting there, thankyou. Lots of stuff. But (cheesy movie) as Hugh Jackman says to Frankenstein while ripping bolts out of him in Van Helsing- Pain reminds us were alive. Could be worse. Ic2
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
If we are invoking metaphor, one could also suggest you on on the Hero's Journey. . .
What do you mean by "except 1 thing--causative of alcohol"? Not following
your thread just there--seems alcohol is often effect brought by cause(s),
and then causes effect(s) like a vibrating bridge before collapse. . .
Sounds like you aren't convinced by your professional support.
What's your heart telling you?
What do you mean by "except 1 thing--causative of alcohol"? Not following
your thread just there--seems alcohol is often effect brought by cause(s),
and then causes effect(s) like a vibrating bridge before collapse. . .
Sounds like you aren't convinced by your professional support.
What's your heart telling you?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,681
Hi HE and world. I can see clearly now the rain has gone. Silly song, raining rather a lot here in real time. Causative- well yes. Alcohol plus injury equals life changing event. On moment of time has and will effect the rest of my life. Divorce, loss of family, body image- all the classic signs of a predictable path all alcoholics are only too aware. One thing for me is the constant reminder I have physically every moment of every day. Burns, scars, disfigurement, I look different. If half my trunk were made of plastic and heat applied- the flesh wold look like it had melted- no tone, definition, just melted. I accept this, am not miserable about it and am very thankful to be alive.
Alcohol plus new tattoo later regretted can perhaps be removed. Burns cannot. Not a badge of honour or an excuse to hide behind shame or guilt. Fact- every time I look in a mirror- body reminds me of that moment in time. I am convinced by others telling me I am doing well. One word that has been mentioned about me is I am very much "atypical" of the usual pattern my professional's experiences with recovering alcoholics. Early days, I know. I do not get any satisfaction re my progress, it just is. My motivation reflects the fact I am still alive. Life is struggle, hard work, trying again and again- success, yes with the counterpoint in finding no peace in it all. Fight, survive- get angry with thoughts of complacency- try harder- fight harder, be more determined to push ahead. And so I grow. Always with burn scarring, graft markings, pain and loss of family. I guess you can all see a recurring theme here. Thanks all for taking the time to read. IC2.
Alcohol plus new tattoo later regretted can perhaps be removed. Burns cannot. Not a badge of honour or an excuse to hide behind shame or guilt. Fact- every time I look in a mirror- body reminds me of that moment in time. I am convinced by others telling me I am doing well. One word that has been mentioned about me is I am very much "atypical" of the usual pattern my professional's experiences with recovering alcoholics. Early days, I know. I do not get any satisfaction re my progress, it just is. My motivation reflects the fact I am still alive. Life is struggle, hard work, trying again and again- success, yes with the counterpoint in finding no peace in it all. Fight, survive- get angry with thoughts of complacency- try harder- fight harder, be more determined to push ahead. And so I grow. Always with burn scarring, graft markings, pain and loss of family. I guess you can all see a recurring theme here. Thanks all for taking the time to read. IC2.
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Hello space cadets. Well moaning has it's place. Today sees me through the kindness, help and "go the extra mile for John because he is trying so hard" others around me to moan would only insult their efforts.
Despite my aversion to major scars, body image etc (today the chief burns specialist said 11 months ago they thought I was ***-ed) feedback today was my progress and improvement physically is incredible and miraculous. I had enquired to see some one for a burns review to get an extended med. certificate. I was asked to come in same day and was reviewed by 4 different burns experts. Even "nice" future surgery planned to release contractured muscles/skin so my arm moves more freely.
Same staff, plus numerous others also thought- initially thought trying to save my life and heal burns areas was nearly impossible because I was again ***-ed. PLUS that cognitively, socially, emotionally and mentally I was very f---d because of massive physical trauma, hospital given drugs (to save my life, put me in a coma, GA's, pain relief and sedatives) and of course (wait for it) alcoholism- I was at best going to only turn out to be a barely functioning vegetable. Again my progress has been far more than in their experiences they believed possible.
Once again was poked, prodded and extensively photographed. Because I have healed so well so rapidly (about half the time they expected- 11 months instead of 2 years) I have been presented in photo form this year as "before, during and after" shots at one international conference with another one coming up. I no longer have to wear a very uncomfortable, itchy, hot, at times painful full burns garment- a milestone indeed. Was told would have to wear it 24/7 for 2 years. So tight fitting it took 2 staff to put it on me the first time. After that- I did by my self- took up to 15 minutes a time, depending on how cold.
The point to all this- pissing in the wind and moaning is well and good, understandable for a little bit. Using a really sh-t event in my life, turning it around - learning from it and healing is the real lesson. I am really good at moaning too. So thanks to all for reading my stuff to date. John boy Walton signing off for now. Ic2.
Despite my aversion to major scars, body image etc (today the chief burns specialist said 11 months ago they thought I was ***-ed) feedback today was my progress and improvement physically is incredible and miraculous. I had enquired to see some one for a burns review to get an extended med. certificate. I was asked to come in same day and was reviewed by 4 different burns experts. Even "nice" future surgery planned to release contractured muscles/skin so my arm moves more freely.
Same staff, plus numerous others also thought- initially thought trying to save my life and heal burns areas was nearly impossible because I was again ***-ed. PLUS that cognitively, socially, emotionally and mentally I was very f---d because of massive physical trauma, hospital given drugs (to save my life, put me in a coma, GA's, pain relief and sedatives) and of course (wait for it) alcoholism- I was at best going to only turn out to be a barely functioning vegetable. Again my progress has been far more than in their experiences they believed possible.
Once again was poked, prodded and extensively photographed. Because I have healed so well so rapidly (about half the time they expected- 11 months instead of 2 years) I have been presented in photo form this year as "before, during and after" shots at one international conference with another one coming up. I no longer have to wear a very uncomfortable, itchy, hot, at times painful full burns garment- a milestone indeed. Was told would have to wear it 24/7 for 2 years. So tight fitting it took 2 staff to put it on me the first time. After that- I did by my self- took up to 15 minutes a time, depending on how cold.
The point to all this- pissing in the wind and moaning is well and good, understandable for a little bit. Using a really sh-t event in my life, turning it around - learning from it and healing is the real lesson. I am really good at moaning too. So thanks to all for reading my stuff to date. John boy Walton signing off for now. Ic2.
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Eek! Can't get enough of sharing. A fairly surprising thing just happened. I was outside where I am living at the moment having a health cigarette and I mentioned to a couple of guys that my arm was famous. I explained because of the severe burns- I was one of the first human guinea pigs in Australia that was used to try out a new synthetic dressing. Turns out this has a great deal to do with my healing. My arm has been used in photo presentations at 2 international conferences- I found my arm on a national news broadcaster website. I recognise every scar, bump, line on my arm.
One of the guys there has a very rough history. Homelessness, drugs, gang related violence, addiction, alcohol, loss of everything. He looked at me and said "man...that is some story." I would have thought his story was something and mine just was. Goes to show the wonder of living and how we can all learn from others. Ic2.
One of the guys there has a very rough history. Homelessness, drugs, gang related violence, addiction, alcohol, loss of everything. He looked at me and said "man...that is some story." I would have thought his story was something and mine just was. Goes to show the wonder of living and how we can all learn from others. Ic2.
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Hi Ms Mera (is that a connection with [I]that[I]famous family?
Just reading back on the posts- a much neater way of keeping a journal. Up to third book anyway. Russel Coight- actually quite close to the truth. There are a lot of metro people who do the 4x4 bit- get all the right looking (in photos) gear and 'go bush'. Which means go to a 5 star camping ground and get pissed every night. Did quite a bit of going bush stuff- hiking thru the Flinders Ranges, the Grampians etc. There are some very silly people in the world. Could tell you some very stupid things people do- rescued a few in my time with car breakdowns in the outback- usually with little water in 110 heat. A good way to spend a night- actually rewatched Russel this week. The all time cheesy cringe boys of the bush- complete with crappy music is 'the Leyland Brothers'.
Just reading back on the posts- a much neater way of keeping a journal. Up to third book anyway. Russel Coight- actually quite close to the truth. There are a lot of metro people who do the 4x4 bit- get all the right looking (in photos) gear and 'go bush'. Which means go to a 5 star camping ground and get pissed every night. Did quite a bit of going bush stuff- hiking thru the Flinders Ranges, the Grampians etc. There are some very silly people in the world. Could tell you some very stupid things people do- rescued a few in my time with car breakdowns in the outback- usually with little water in 110 heat. A good way to spend a night- actually rewatched Russel this week. The all time cheesy cringe boys of the bush- complete with crappy music is 'the Leyland Brothers'.
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