Hopeless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 9
Hopeless
Hello everyone.
I am an alcoholic.
I started drinking at 21. I was always a good kid, then met my first girlfriend and went down hill. We drank heavily, I got into drugs for a year or two, not too heavy, smoked weed more often than did coke, nothing harder. I stopped blaming her years ago, I was always one to find excuses as to why I wanted to wreck myself, tough childhood, long story. I can say today that doing coke was something so uninteresting to me, maybe a handful of imesnis all I did, smoking weed gives me anxiety, when I think of it I think "forget that crap, no thanks", but alcohol? Alcohol is my best friend. I haven't stopped heavily consuming it since I started. I don't think I was ever sober for more than two months. I'm 34 now, 50 pounds over weight, my belly is so bloated and big for the first time in my life I have stretch marks, I'm the girl that used to get hit on all day every day, my face is still the same, so are my big curls, so are my big green eyes, but my body is turning for the worse. I've never been so overweight, I'm 5'5 180, yes, I'm not that forsaken yet but to me, I look disgusting. This isn't ME. I used to play sports, and was always in shape.
Two months ago after ten years of my last blood test, I got some news from the doctor. My AST level was(two months ago), at 50. Only 5 points over, but he explained it means my liver is already inflamed. He told me to quit for good and what does my alcoholic brain say to myself? "JUST 5 Points, I still have time". Who does that!! An alcoholic I know.
When I look on the inside of my eyelid, it's not bright white, my eyeball is starting to look yellow to my naked eye, what am I doing!!??? I keep deciding that's it! I'm done! My belly hurts me to sit, I retain so much liquid it's uncomfortable to sit, the doctor said my kidney and liver function is normal, but I know something is happening to my body. My mind? I feel stupid. I used to be so sharp and quick witted, now I can barely process a simple task at work. I have an amazing job and do very well for myself, just bought a brand new car, want for nothing all on my own, I have a great life, I am so lucky, what am I doing and WHY am I still doing it all the while knowing what I'm doing is killing me.
Please, yell at me, tell me how it is, tell me what I already know but have it come from strangers so maybe it will hit me harder, I don't want pity, that's all I do is pity myself for the childhood I had and drown myself in this pointless sorrow that I just need to get out of my life.
Please help me.
"FadingBeauty"
I am an alcoholic.
I started drinking at 21. I was always a good kid, then met my first girlfriend and went down hill. We drank heavily, I got into drugs for a year or two, not too heavy, smoked weed more often than did coke, nothing harder. I stopped blaming her years ago, I was always one to find excuses as to why I wanted to wreck myself, tough childhood, long story. I can say today that doing coke was something so uninteresting to me, maybe a handful of imesnis all I did, smoking weed gives me anxiety, when I think of it I think "forget that crap, no thanks", but alcohol? Alcohol is my best friend. I haven't stopped heavily consuming it since I started. I don't think I was ever sober for more than two months. I'm 34 now, 50 pounds over weight, my belly is so bloated and big for the first time in my life I have stretch marks, I'm the girl that used to get hit on all day every day, my face is still the same, so are my big curls, so are my big green eyes, but my body is turning for the worse. I've never been so overweight, I'm 5'5 180, yes, I'm not that forsaken yet but to me, I look disgusting. This isn't ME. I used to play sports, and was always in shape.
Two months ago after ten years of my last blood test, I got some news from the doctor. My AST level was(two months ago), at 50. Only 5 points over, but he explained it means my liver is already inflamed. He told me to quit for good and what does my alcoholic brain say to myself? "JUST 5 Points, I still have time". Who does that!! An alcoholic I know.
When I look on the inside of my eyelid, it's not bright white, my eyeball is starting to look yellow to my naked eye, what am I doing!!??? I keep deciding that's it! I'm done! My belly hurts me to sit, I retain so much liquid it's uncomfortable to sit, the doctor said my kidney and liver function is normal, but I know something is happening to my body. My mind? I feel stupid. I used to be so sharp and quick witted, now I can barely process a simple task at work. I have an amazing job and do very well for myself, just bought a brand new car, want for nothing all on my own, I have a great life, I am so lucky, what am I doing and WHY am I still doing it all the while knowing what I'm doing is killing me.
Please, yell at me, tell me how it is, tell me what I already know but have it come from strangers so maybe it will hit me harder, I don't want pity, that's all I do is pity myself for the childhood I had and drown myself in this pointless sorrow that I just need to get out of my life.
Please help me.
"FadingBeauty"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome greenvagen!!
i think youre beating yourself up enough and don't deserve to be yelled at, but some cold hard facts might be good-
alcoholism wants you dead. it wants you to suffer horribly on the way down and make anyone and everyone around you miserable during the process.
alcohol WILL kill you.
IF YOU LET IT.
but
THERES HOPE!
you CAN get sober!
a decision MUST be made- a decision that you WANT to get sober are are WILLING to do anything necessary to get sober.
then there is ACTION that MUST be done.
and your worth it!
youre not hopeless
not helpless, useless, or worthless either.
the very first thing YOU have to answer to YOUSELF is
do you want to stop drinking FOR GOOD?
if yes
are you willing to do whatever is necessary?
i think youre beating yourself up enough and don't deserve to be yelled at, but some cold hard facts might be good-
alcoholism wants you dead. it wants you to suffer horribly on the way down and make anyone and everyone around you miserable during the process.
alcohol WILL kill you.
IF YOU LET IT.
but
THERES HOPE!
you CAN get sober!
a decision MUST be made- a decision that you WANT to get sober are are WILLING to do anything necessary to get sober.
then there is ACTION that MUST be done.
and your worth it!
youre not hopeless
not helpless, useless, or worthless either.
the very first thing YOU have to answer to YOUSELF is
do you want to stop drinking FOR GOOD?
if yes
are you willing to do whatever is necessary?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
No-one here is going to yell at you, I promise 
You've found a fantastic website - one big family here - have a good look around and ask / post wherever you feel comfortable.
We all felt hopeless when we first arrived but we arrived and that's the main thing. You've taken that first step to recovery - well done!
Glad you're here
You've found a fantastic website - one big family here - have a good look around and ask / post wherever you feel comfortable.
We all felt hopeless when we first arrived but we arrived and that's the main thing. You've taken that first step to recovery - well done!
Glad you're here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 9
Thank you for your reply. I get BORED. Can you believe it? An adult, with bills, hobbies and a full life gets BORED. I'm so angry at myself. I believe that alcohol actually messed up my brain chemically. On my drive home I DECIDE that "I don't want to be bored tonight". I don't have many friends where I just moved to and everyone has babies anyway, I find myself alone and drinking is that best friend, drinking is that partner to me. If I do t have at least ONE beer, why do I feel bored? I know, start getting new hobbies, Make yourself busy, but that hasn't worked for me. Am I that far gone that I made myself a candidate for a rehab? I can't go away, I can't lose my job, the humiliation at work, I work with a bunch of judgemental people already, I want to keep my life as it is now, it I can't go more than two days sober, create excuses in my head so quickly, I don't even notice how I drive myself to the liquor store.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by GreenVegan82 
Thank you for your reply. I get BORED. Can you believe it? An adult, with bills, hobbies and a full life gets BORED. I'm so angry at myself. I believe that alcohol actually messed up my brain chemically. On my drive home I DECIDE that "I don't want to be bored tonight". I don't have many friends where I just moved to and everyone has babies anyway, I find myself alone and drinking is that best friend, drinking is that partner to me. If I do t have at least ONE beer, why do I feel bored? I know, start getting new hobbies, Make yourself busy, but that hasn't worked for me. Am I that far gone that I made myself a candidate for a rehab? I can't go away, I can't lose my job, the humiliation at work, I work with a bunch of judgemental people already, I want to keep my life as it is now, it I can't go more than two days sober, create excuses in my head so quickly, I don't even notice how I drive myself to the liquor store.
I also, had trouble going past 2 days at one time - then read that day 3 is a stinker. Once I realised that, I just got through day 3 and started feeling a lot better.
Give it a go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 9
Really? Day 3 huh. I've made it to 9 days a month ago, kept craving "the good time". But you know what the funny thing is? I don't have fun anymore. I have moved to 8.3% beer, after three I just have a blazing head ache and get extremely weak and tired.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by GreenVegan82
Really? Day 3 huh. I've made it to 9 days a month ago, kept craving "the good time". But you know what the funny thing is? I don't have fun anymore. I have moved to 8.3% beer, after three I just have a blazing head ache and get extremely weak and tired.
Not so good sitting on the toilet staring at the wall oppostite, hoping your brains don't blow out through your ass, whilst at the same time, kinda wishing they would, so you don't have to think about and remember all the things you said / did / went through, while you were having such a fantastic time though huh? Yeah, day 3 is a stinker in more ways than one x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 9
@tomsteve aren't I answering my own questions so well? Yet I stilll choose to be less smart and keep killing myself. I know I'm doing so, but it being such a slow process I guess I'm skipping over it every time I think I want to do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by GreenVegan82
@tomsteve aren't I answering my own questions so well? Yet I stilll choose to be less smart and keep killing myself. I know I'm doing so, but it being such a slow process I guess I'm skipping over it every time I think I want to do it.
so, using someone elses thinkin works pretty good.
so,
do you want to stop drinking FOR GOOD?
and if yes, are you willing to do whatever is necessary to stop drinking FOR GOOD?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
I am not going to yell at you, not now, not ever.
Stay focused and stay sober today and be kind to yourself. Remember denial is a huge part of alcoholism and recognize that you are experiencing a lot of denial.
Stay focused and stay sober today and be kind to yourself. Remember denial is a huge part of alcoholism and recognize that you are experiencing a lot of denial.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If you're vegan, you already know how to conduct an important life activity in the way that is consistent with your principles. That takes discipline and it takes commitment. So you know you have it in you.
Alcohol is a highly addictive toxin that affects our ability to produce the natural neurotransmitters our brains need to feel good. It's biochemical as much as anything else.
Maybe try to get yourself out of the "I'm a terrible person because I drink and that makes me feel worse so I drink more" vortex and recognize that as a addictive chemical, alcohol creates the need for more alcohol, and as a powerful depressant, it also undermines our ability to feel good other ways.
You can do this!
Alcohol is a highly addictive toxin that affects our ability to produce the natural neurotransmitters our brains need to feel good. It's biochemical as much as anything else.
Maybe try to get yourself out of the "I'm a terrible person because I drink and that makes me feel worse so I drink more" vortex and recognize that as a addictive chemical, alcohol creates the need for more alcohol, and as a powerful depressant, it also undermines our ability to feel good other ways.
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your addiction will say.....hey, you're ok, you have a great life, see? it isn't THAT bad....you got this.
your intelligence will tell you - if i don't get this under control NOW, i stand to lose EVERYTHING.
both are correct, TODAY - alcohol hasn't taken it all away yet....but if you keep going, all the things you have now will slip away, one by one....and you will only be left with booze and misery.
your intelligence will tell you - if i don't get this under control NOW, i stand to lose EVERYTHING.
both are correct, TODAY - alcohol hasn't taken it all away yet....but if you keep going, all the things you have now will slip away, one by one....and you will only be left with booze and misery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Hi GreenVegan - I'm happy to meet you. I agree you've found a great place for encouragement - not sure where I'd be if not for my friends here.
I was drinking 24/7 when I found SR. That's because back when I was 34 I refused to do what you're doing. I wouldn't admit I had no control over myself once the first drink hit me. I insisted I could use willpower to handle it. I couldn't imagine life without drinking - but I don't know why - it was no longer fun or an escape from problems. It was a necessity. You don't need it. You can rise above this sad time and reclaim your life. We're with you.
I was drinking 24/7 when I found SR. That's because back when I was 34 I refused to do what you're doing. I wouldn't admit I had no control over myself once the first drink hit me. I insisted I could use willpower to handle it. I couldn't imagine life without drinking - but I don't know why - it was no longer fun or an escape from problems. It was a necessity. You don't need it. You can rise above this sad time and reclaim your life. We're with you.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Alcohol doesn't care if you get fat and bloated and jaundiced by drinking it. It doesn't care if you drink it only after 5, or first thing in the morning or in a sippie cup all day long. It doesn't care if you lose your job, get kicked out of your place, or break up with your love. It doesn't care because it has no power in and of itself. It is an intoxicating liquid available for purchase. The power it has is only what you give it. And by declaring it your best friend you are giving it massive power, power to control you, your life, and everything within.
I am not yelling at you, just asking you to question why you give a liquid so much power. I thought about it myself in the early days of getting sober. Why did I think alcohol was worthy enough to influence anything in my life? It is a worthless liquid. Nothing more.
Hugs
I am not yelling at you, just asking you to question why you give a liquid so much power. I thought about it myself in the early days of getting sober. Why did I think alcohol was worthy enough to influence anything in my life? It is a worthless liquid. Nothing more.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Okay, I'll yell at you... You're worth it!!! Give sober a try. Like I used to not even remotely imagine life without beer and pot. When I did finally give sober a try it took a month or so and I really started to change my perspective. We get on autopilot headed to the beer aisle. So it takes some time to see it for what it is. Good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
