Newbie, hello all
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
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Hey, Icarus. I am in the March class with you. Welcome to SR. I think we all have stories that suck. The joy of it is we are all creating new paths for ourselves. I hope that you can repair things with your family. I had to do a bit of that myself, but things are getting better.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
How are you sweaty paws? I like wolves. Is that your totem? For fun I researched mine- Puma. Smart, secretive, loners, strong, hard to see, very good at what they do. I wonder if they are alcoholic? J. (I2)
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Apols MsMera... I thought the thumbnail was you. Interesting quote. Can be interpreted like this : by me with every day decisions. I know if I do not want to do something in recovery, it usually means I am avoiding a task, issue, person, truth, admission, action - because that is how I coped in the past. Avoid, either by calling in sick or cancelling something, then getting pissed. So if I do not want to do something it is an excellent litmus test- it usually means I should consider doing it. Nice to electronically meet you. Comrades in soberieretariansim. J.
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Hi there Bobbieka. The Great and Powerful Oz is one of my favorites. Always kind of likes Glyinda- despite being a milk toast and soppy. Yes strength in numbers and the good thing about honest hard recovering alco's is we learn from what is common to us all, not what is different. Perhaps recovering Alco's should run the UN. Regards, J.
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Hello Lady Blue, I have always thought Maine would be a goodplace to visit. On the ocean, wild storms, rocky outcrops- or am I mixed up. You share good sense thoughts. The last week I have been really down, lethargic, tired, no motivation. Still did 80% of my self induced recovery stuff- but took a helluva lot of effort. AD changed in dosage and that some thing to do with it. But with reading and the little god voice in my head helping I have decided that there are going to be good and not so productive times in my recovery. 3 months sober. For no apparent reason that mood lifted this morning. A good mood sweetener-moving to much better, cheaper, safer and recovery supported accommodation next week. Last 2 weeks after rent and paying back a remote control that went "missing" from my very basic room (has a TV) I had $20 for food etc. So a good day. Hard in such circumstance to see the wood for the trees, but I seemed to have steered a clear way through the rocks.
Regards, John.
Regards, John.
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Hello Soberpot. Your quote: trust is the biggie. How to get it back. Last thing my ex emailed me was to say all over- do not trust you-divorce, have a nice life. Working hard on the trust bit. John.
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Gatorman, hi. Florida- go figure. Anxiety sucks. Good- day 19. Day by day by week by months -year...... For me anxiety is my emotions and feelings not coping being woken up after being numb for a long time by me being pissed. Stopping drinking is only part of the battle- the rest is dealing with the original **** that caused my drinking to spiral out of control as well as all the damage I caused by the drinking. Nightmare filled days. Keep writing and sharing GM. Much better than chewing on the bitter and ugly and cannot be changed past. Cheers, John.
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Hi chrcarlson, thanks for the quote. Thinking though that an alcoholic has to be damn cleverl to drink them selves to death. The safe place to drink, where to get the money, how to drink with out being caught out, what to lie when confronted by some one, self talk at the justification of feeling so bad/sorry for self, making sure have enough booze, not just enough to get pissed - but some left over for the next session. Of course that last one will not work, because it will ALL get drunk to get even more drunk. The complexity of self deceit, lies, manipulation, planning and all the other ritual behaviors takes real work and planning. Not just any damn fool can do that, it takes a special kind of damn fool.. have a good day. John
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Hi there world. It is a bit like that. After a protracted period of time being in shields up, survival mode (literally- safety both physical and brain)- have moved to a place which IS supportive, safe and proactive for positive recovery. My brain has started to accept this. Still sober, miss my sons with a gut wrenching agonising pain. Teary every day I think about/pray for them. The trap is falling into inaction because of guilt. Reflection and growth, not resentment and stagnate. Sometimes I think god is a bastard. Then again I see myself a bit of a Jonah. I am scared of the future in a lot of aspects. Almost child like fears- the main one being alone.
I think this stems from the fact my ex refused to be my next of kin to give permission for me to have life saving surgery the day I was brought back from the precipice of death 4 times from very bad burns. I read a lot...I think far too much.. I cannot get this decision of my ex about my worth out of my mind. I know if she ran over a dog she would take it to a vet, point in fact we did once. Owner's fault- we paid for it - cost us a lot of money. I feel as if I am of no value. Ex and sons did not visit once when in hospital for nearly 4 months.
Despite my feelin of being rejected- I survived, healed, remained sober and established a very strong recovery support network, including this stuff. So in a better place, but feeling very alone (sniff), Icarus (never going to use wax wings again).
I think this stems from the fact my ex refused to be my next of kin to give permission for me to have life saving surgery the day I was brought back from the precipice of death 4 times from very bad burns. I read a lot...I think far too much.. I cannot get this decision of my ex about my worth out of my mind. I know if she ran over a dog she would take it to a vet, point in fact we did once. Owner's fault- we paid for it - cost us a lot of money. I feel as if I am of no value. Ex and sons did not visit once when in hospital for nearly 4 months.
Despite my feelin of being rejected- I survived, healed, remained sober and established a very strong recovery support network, including this stuff. So in a better place, but feeling very alone (sniff), Icarus (never going to use wax wings again).
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Glad you're back and in a safe supportive place Icarus
What your ex did may have more to do with her stepping back than a statement about your worth--letting us deal with our own self-created
consequences is a kind of respect to my view.
Also, the family gets a lot of fallout and pain from our drinking for many years,
and I think when they finally disengage from us and our drama, it's a bit
of a shock to us they've really let go of sorting out our crap.
I've been on both sides of this. I drank and my mother was a lifelong alcoholic.
She nearly put me in the grave with her constant hospital emergency runs,
setting the house on fire repeatedly, smoking herself into lung disease and an O2 tank, etc.
After many many years of rescue I said the last time I got her out, set her up at home,
and put my life on hold to sort our her problems yet again,
that I was done fixing the fallout of her addiction and anything else was on her to sort
or she could go into skilled care.
She didn't believe me, did it again, and guess what--she had to go into skilled care.
It wasn't that I didn't love her, but I literally could not take another minute
of dealing with the pain and trauma her addiction was causing me and my family.
My husband and I are still dealing with issues around this years later.
I also became a full-blown alcoholic during the years of care-giving, and nearly
destroyed my health and family to save her--
All of that for her to just keep drinking with no acceptance about what it did to me.
In the end, I stepped back but it wasn't because she didn't matter to me or have worth,
but because I decided that I also had a right to a peaceful life and to save myself.
Your ex is an ex, and perhaps in her view she also felt at the end of her rope emotionally.
Dwelling on her reasons won't help, but there most likely is a side to this for her you may
not realize or understand entirely.
Don't know if this makes sense, but I hope it does.
Glad you are back and I hope you are healing well and feeling better.
What your ex did may have more to do with her stepping back than a statement about your worth--letting us deal with our own self-created
consequences is a kind of respect to my view.
Also, the family gets a lot of fallout and pain from our drinking for many years,
and I think when they finally disengage from us and our drama, it's a bit
of a shock to us they've really let go of sorting out our crap.
I've been on both sides of this. I drank and my mother was a lifelong alcoholic.
She nearly put me in the grave with her constant hospital emergency runs,
setting the house on fire repeatedly, smoking herself into lung disease and an O2 tank, etc.
After many many years of rescue I said the last time I got her out, set her up at home,
and put my life on hold to sort our her problems yet again,
that I was done fixing the fallout of her addiction and anything else was on her to sort
or she could go into skilled care.
She didn't believe me, did it again, and guess what--she had to go into skilled care.
It wasn't that I didn't love her, but I literally could not take another minute
of dealing with the pain and trauma her addiction was causing me and my family.
My husband and I are still dealing with issues around this years later.
I also became a full-blown alcoholic during the years of care-giving, and nearly
destroyed my health and family to save her--
All of that for her to just keep drinking with no acceptance about what it did to me.
In the end, I stepped back but it wasn't because she didn't matter to me or have worth,
but because I decided that I also had a right to a peaceful life and to save myself.
Your ex is an ex, and perhaps in her view she also felt at the end of her rope emotionally.
Dwelling on her reasons won't help, but there most likely is a side to this for her you may
not realize or understand entirely.
Don't know if this makes sense, but I hope it does.
Glad you are back and I hope you are healing well and feeling better.
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Hello Hawkeye, thank you for your perceptive wise words. I have an introspection which is very negative. I was with my sponsor yesterday and my self esteem became a focus . He at one stage told me I could not say that about myself because it was wrong. I asked him how can it be wrong if that is how I feel. I accept every thing you have said. I know these things. I certainly do not blame others for who I am. Interesting your own experiences... You do a lot of thinking, me thinks. I can quite factually state I feel worthless. Unemotional about this. It just is. I am improving, I survive and grow. Unsure of lots of stuff. Despite really not liking mantras one fits. Fake it till I make it.
You mentioned stepping back from your mum. However you also mentioned organising for her to receive care. That to me does not seem to show washing your hands of her ??
Dwelling on her reasons? Obvious- she hates me. Can't blame her- but a pretty dramatic way of showing this. Yes- hurt, damage, issues, too much pain caused to others. At end of emotional rope- obviously. But based on a decision, I nearly died. How ever logically, rationally or empathically I think about it that is a fact. Ex was emotionally together enough to leave all my clothes at hospital- so I would not go home and a message demanding co payment of a bill. Had been out of a coma for about 8 days at that stage.
Yes it is about me. I do not blame, or hate. I pray and think of my family and regret damage I caused. I distanced myself from my bro for the same reasons ex did to me. Still visited him in hospital, supported his partner when he in an end stage coma. Made informed decisions about is care- gave each other support. Did not leave him alone... So I hurt and am alone. I accept this. Don't have to like it. Will not stop me trying, pushing changing.
You mentioned stepping back from your mum. However you also mentioned organising for her to receive care. That to me does not seem to show washing your hands of her ??
Dwelling on her reasons? Obvious- she hates me. Can't blame her- but a pretty dramatic way of showing this. Yes- hurt, damage, issues, too much pain caused to others. At end of emotional rope- obviously. But based on a decision, I nearly died. How ever logically, rationally or empathically I think about it that is a fact. Ex was emotionally together enough to leave all my clothes at hospital- so I would not go home and a message demanding co payment of a bill. Had been out of a coma for about 8 days at that stage.
Yes it is about me. I do not blame, or hate. I pray and think of my family and regret damage I caused. I distanced myself from my bro for the same reasons ex did to me. Still visited him in hospital, supported his partner when he in an end stage coma. Made informed decisions about is care- gave each other support. Did not leave him alone... So I hurt and am alone. I accept this. Don't have to like it. Will not stop me trying, pushing changing.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
It is difficult to work with these things--I also have self-esteem issues
and sometimes the "fake it" mantra is all you have,
but it does get you from one day to the next while the rebuilding takes place in its slow, invisible way.
Maybe right now just working on you, finding peace with and within you,
is as much as you should ask of yourself right now.
Parsing out the events with your ex can wait until you have had more time
to heal and process what you have endured, agency aside.
Finding the stillpoint first will help with the pushing and changing part.
The saying is the door opens inwards, right?
Sending you a hug--you are never alone on SR
and sometimes the "fake it" mantra is all you have,
but it does get you from one day to the next while the rebuilding takes place in its slow, invisible way.
Maybe right now just working on you, finding peace with and within you,
is as much as you should ask of yourself right now.
Parsing out the events with your ex can wait until you have had more time
to heal and process what you have endured, agency aside.
Finding the stillpoint first will help with the pushing and changing part.
The saying is the door opens inwards, right?
Sending you a hug--you are never alone on SR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
Hello again Hawkeye. I must admit I felt defensive about your words. Why? Because they rang true. I did not like what you wrote. One thing I have learnt about myself is if I find something not to my liking, difficult or want to ignore it, then that is the exact reason why I need to pay attention to what ever the issue, feeling, thought is. I always do take some form of action- because when I am outside my comfort zone- that is the time to take stock, learn and grow. I still do not like what you said.
I have re read your words quite a few times and every time I took something different from it. Yes ex has issues and a side of her is existent that I cannot perceive. I suppose that is true for any sentient being. One thing I know now is I always thought my wife was perfect and if any thing went wrong with our relation ship it was because of some innate defect in me. When she showed she was not perfect- I once again assumed it was me. I now know through my last year, where I have learnt more about myself than most likely my whole life- to just accept people for who they present themselves to be and not to internalise perceived or imagined threats to myself. For better or worse however- my 2 adult sons to me are perfect. But I know they are not so that belief means I love them and will not abandon my role as their dad by wallowing in self pity. If they choose to involve me in their lives, I will always be there. Send them monthly email to "check in', you know- still sober, doing ok, still participating in treatment, that kind of stuff. I never expect a response. I never get a response.
Being negative about myself has been a life long trait- for all the classic reasons- bullying, alcoholic family etc. I now have in place what my sponsor calls my "**** filter". My mind still races at 1000 miles ph. My psychologist describes me as being "atypical" of all the recovering alcoholics he has seen. I think too much. Hard to stop brain doing what it does. I still think stuff, but then it is processed by my **** f and my behaviour clicks into a more productive way of thinking which in turn affects my physical status- eating right, lower blood press and pulse/breathing. The developing skill at not getting pissed off, angry and guilty because I get pissed off, angry and guilty. Just need to ride these thoughts/emotions through and turn a negative into a productive positive. Besides in retrospect- it is not faking it until I make it. Any conscious effort I invest in myself in learning, growing, becoming a more patient, tolerant, accepting and honest person is good. Staying sober and trying each and every day to be a little bit more of a good person than the day before. I have met many people this year with damaging, scary, unsafe and destructive stories. One person used to show their displeasure by setting fire to houses. I can feel empathy for that person and listen- not counsel or judge. Listening, as writing and sharing is cathartic.
May the force be with you- perhaps in a huggy way. Am almost smiling. One thing I have done this year since my burns day in journal writing (on my third book) is to rank my emotional/feeling status quo by ranking myself from 0 to 10. 0 being dead- abject misery - 10 is nirvana. Most of this year my scores have constantly been in the 5- 5.5 range. Lately they are consistently from 6-6.5. So stuff is working. I am actually pleased at doing stuff.. Stuff matters.
So stubborn me has taken heed of your words. This site is not a chat room- it is more than that, much more. Shared experiences are the stuff of wisdom. These truths are self evident.
Best of regards to all who have taken their time to read this master piece in the obvious. JTK.
I have re read your words quite a few times and every time I took something different from it. Yes ex has issues and a side of her is existent that I cannot perceive. I suppose that is true for any sentient being. One thing I know now is I always thought my wife was perfect and if any thing went wrong with our relation ship it was because of some innate defect in me. When she showed she was not perfect- I once again assumed it was me. I now know through my last year, where I have learnt more about myself than most likely my whole life- to just accept people for who they present themselves to be and not to internalise perceived or imagined threats to myself. For better or worse however- my 2 adult sons to me are perfect. But I know they are not so that belief means I love them and will not abandon my role as their dad by wallowing in self pity. If they choose to involve me in their lives, I will always be there. Send them monthly email to "check in', you know- still sober, doing ok, still participating in treatment, that kind of stuff. I never expect a response. I never get a response.
Being negative about myself has been a life long trait- for all the classic reasons- bullying, alcoholic family etc. I now have in place what my sponsor calls my "**** filter". My mind still races at 1000 miles ph. My psychologist describes me as being "atypical" of all the recovering alcoholics he has seen. I think too much. Hard to stop brain doing what it does. I still think stuff, but then it is processed by my **** f and my behaviour clicks into a more productive way of thinking which in turn affects my physical status- eating right, lower blood press and pulse/breathing. The developing skill at not getting pissed off, angry and guilty because I get pissed off, angry and guilty. Just need to ride these thoughts/emotions through and turn a negative into a productive positive. Besides in retrospect- it is not faking it until I make it. Any conscious effort I invest in myself in learning, growing, becoming a more patient, tolerant, accepting and honest person is good. Staying sober and trying each and every day to be a little bit more of a good person than the day before. I have met many people this year with damaging, scary, unsafe and destructive stories. One person used to show their displeasure by setting fire to houses. I can feel empathy for that person and listen- not counsel or judge. Listening, as writing and sharing is cathartic.
May the force be with you- perhaps in a huggy way. Am almost smiling. One thing I have done this year since my burns day in journal writing (on my third book) is to rank my emotional/feeling status quo by ranking myself from 0 to 10. 0 being dead- abject misery - 10 is nirvana. Most of this year my scores have constantly been in the 5- 5.5 range. Lately they are consistently from 6-6.5. So stuff is working. I am actually pleased at doing stuff.. Stuff matters.
So stubborn me has taken heed of your words. This site is not a chat room- it is more than that, much more. Shared experiences are the stuff of wisdom. These truths are self evident.
Best of regards to all who have taken their time to read this master piece in the obvious. JTK.
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