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Old 06-22-2016, 08:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Need advice please


I am so mad at my daughter....I really want to cut her out of my life completely. If you read my prior posts you know that she is 21 years old and lives with me or did...or does. I don't know now. She has a 2 year old and a 9 month old son. Different fathers. One is in jail and the other is married. I've tried but she is so selfish. I got mad at her for having some other guy over and during a very heated arguement told her to move out. I told her later I was just angry and didn't mean it but wanted her to clean after herself....not have her new boyfriend sleep over etc....just basic stuff. She stayed with friends now for over 2 weeks and says she is not coming home. She won't tell me who watches my grandsons every day and I know she's been staying with different people so there's moving around and no stability for the boys. I drank a 5th ofvodka on Monday night because I couldn't stand the pain. Now I told my boss because I missed work on Tuesday and the good thing is I did go to an AA meeting and met a lady because I was desperate...but now I'm kinda bummed that I told my boss. He was very supportive though. I want to tell my daughter that I don't like her keeping the boys away from me and keeping them moving around and not here at home in their beds. They must be very confused. The 2 year old is very fond of me and calls me mom. If she doesn't get her act together and put their needs first I want to tell her that I am cutting her out of my life all together. I can't take this anymore. but my poor babies. This is so hard. Any advice will help. Thanks.
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Tate
I'm really sorry to read all that.

The first thing I can recommend is stop drinking - it helps noone and nothing.

I understand the pain can seem immense sometimes but you need to be strong for yourself, your grandbabies and your daughter. Yu never know when you might be called on to help.

The second thing I would do is speak to your daughter and share your concerns.

Lastly, if you feel your grandbabies are in any danger or ill cared for, there must be a range of options for you to do a welfare check, or even sue for custody if things got that bad.

I'm not in the US tho, so I'm not sure.

That would be absolute last resort - I would definitely try expressing your concerns to your daughter first tho.you can look for help .

One more piece of advice - don't lose yourself in all of this - it's clear you love your family, but leave a little love aside for you too.

Drinking is doing you no favours - you deserve better.

We can help with support

D
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. That must be so hard. First thing I would do if I were you would be to get myself sober. Period. You can't help your grandbabies if you're drinking. Your daughter could -- and may -- use that against you. You can't control your daughter or what she does, but you can control that. Second, the only way you're going to see your grandchildren is if you put up with your daughter. If you cut her out of your life, you won't see them either. Your daughter doesn't sound very stable and kids need stability. You can provide that if you're sober. Your daughter sounds like she's using the kids to get you to do what she wants (i.e. put up with her boyfriends, let her be a slob), but it's your house and you need to be very clear about what's acceptable and what isn't. She'll find out that her friends will only put up with her for so long -- especially with a baby and a 2-yr-old. She should be grateful that you're allowing her and the children to live with you. Frankly, it sounds like she needs to move out on her own and get a reality check. But first, YOU need to get well.
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks. I'm not going to drink. I met a lady in Aa Tuesday and she is connecting me with her sponsor on Sunday. You are right about having to keep my daughter in my life or she will keep the boys from me but I would almost rather not see them either if it at her whim. Its too painful.
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh just a side note....I'm a binge drinker and go months without drinking and never in front of my family...always alone. I will drink 1 night and not again for months.....otherwise I'm stable and responsible
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Do you have a sponsor? What does she say?

I think, if it were me, my sponsor would probably say, focus on my own side of the street, stay sober and do an inventory on it to figure out where my character defects might have come into play. Id also pray on it that I can do God's will, and not my own, and I'd try to get rid of that resentment. You know, your daughter is an adult and a mother of two. She is likely to want to make decisions about her boyfriend staying over for herself. Maybe your rule is no boyfriends staying over, and now she's realised that you do actually MEAN that, and has decided to like somewhere that she can make those decisions for herself. That's the kind of decision people make every day, and there's no reason really to take it personally. Why wouldn't she want some autonomy over her own life. What's the alternative, living with her mother for the next ten years?

Maybe she'll find her own place, or maybe she'll come back eventually. Who knows. Sounds like her staying at a friends until everything has cooled down could be a good thing. If she moved back tomorrow would you be willing to meet her halfway on the household rules that are causing conflict? If not, which is fair enough as it's your home, then be prepared for her moving out. I don't know anyone whose landlord has the say over whether their boyfriend stays over or not.
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I was a binge drinker too for most of my drinking career.
Not drinking at all will definitely be best for you and those you love

D
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Old 06-22-2016, 09:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I did tell her that she could have her loser boyfriend over and that didnt sway her back. Truthfully I don't want any men over. She has two young boys to think about. She's already made the mistake of getting pregnant twice with two men who well as I said one is in jail for human trafficking or prostitution and the other is married with about seven kids from three different women. I'm living in the freaking Jerry Springer show. Jerry Springer is a show here in the US which highlights proof of declining society. The most ignorant shallow humans ever.
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Old 06-23-2016, 04:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I didn't sleep much last night but I didn't drink. Thank you all for your help. You suggested that I focus on myself and pray for God's will. I have stopped believing in a God and I don't know if that's going to change however I can imagine a higher power and what that higher power would want for me and my daughter and my grandkids. So I will try to focus on what that would be and let go for today.
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