Hawkeye13

she's no "partner" in any nurturing sense

she's a toxic user

yinzer

I think you need to work on yourself and get away from your so called "partner". Don't worry about finding someone...that will happen as soon as you get happy with who you are.
30 is still very young! I had a big career change at 30 and was the best thing I ever did. I found my life partner at 44.

Maybe you can talk to a therapist to help you work through some of these feelings you have? And to help you see the value in yourself?

Wishing you the best!

Irnldy001

Achelus, if you've let her go then you really need to let her go. You hated what she did, not what she does now. The now is no longer your concern.
A lot of us were addicted to the drama that came during and after our drinking careers. Some of us needed heightened drama once we quit - that does sound like your ex partner, and perhaps you a bit too. Being in these unhealthy relationships at the very least deeps us diverted and distracted from our health and our purpose in life.
There will be someone right and there for you when you are right with yourself. First stand up. You have accomplished 9 months and that is huge. Take your hobbies to the next level. Lean on friends that don't make you feel badly. Come back here again and again.
I made many mistakes in early sobriety. And through my sobriety. I let my mania take over in other ways. Obsessive about my kids, then some shopaholism, rage-a-holism, spiralling anxiety etc. I obsessed over friends that didn't seem to be calling me anymore, stretched long stories in my mind to explain it all. Took me a long time to clear the cobwebs and pick up my life and my responsibility in it. I'm glad I got here, but no it wasn't easy, and the euphoria of early sobriety (which was intense in itself) has gone. Now I have eased into some comfort and am able to enjoy company and also quiet.

Acheleus

Everything makes sense a little more when I get some outside perspective. I cannot imagine getting through all of this alone. Today I have a lot of reading to do but I felt sad and worthless last night after being sent videos of the place overseas. I am done with this person because they do not love me. And that is ok. It does not mean I am worthless. It just hurts because I feel so tossed aside. The pain I felt last night was unbearable. I told this person I never want to let her make me feel that way again. Thank you everybody for helping me stay strong. I am hurting but I will get stronger. I feel like my perception is clearing up a little bit every day. I will go to a meeting and stay sober today. I want to get strong again.

Jsbodhi

Is he just a friend she went away with?
I went away to Turkey with an old friend that's a man and my boyfriend lost it.
Is this something they do often?

Acheleus

I do not know. She went to his birthday dinner with his mom. I am never invited anywhere and everyone hates me. I drank for a very long time in an incredibly damaging way. When I got sober I was not clear or rational. She always spends time with other people. It hurts too much. I do not have a family like he has and it hurts too much. I just have to stay sober. I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone.

Anna

I'm sorry this is so hard for you Acheleus. It does sound like it's time to make some big changes in your life, so that slowly but surely you will begin to like yourself and your life.

Acheleus

I am relearning to read music efficiently. I feel depressed but I have to get out of a relationship that only brings me pain. After playing piano I will look for a new place to live. Even if I am alone forever I will feel better than the way I felt last night. I am glad to be sober today. Thank you everyone for the great advice.

Jsbodhi

Maybe both of you need a break and space.
It's important in a relationship to have friends and spend time with others, I'm so this hurts you xo

I'm single at 33 and it's really great, I've just been working on my own life and I've really been enjoying it- I bet you can too
Xo

Dee74

I hope you'll decide to start making a new friends group. Thats the way to get invited out and, in time, it may even be a way to meet someone special again.

I'm sure noone hates you. Can you see that's negative self talk?

D

Time2Rise

Well done on nine months.

Acheleus

Thank you. It has been difficult but I just returned from a meeting. I feel all alone and I guess I need to put myself out there. It hurt so much last night to think of partner in a country with this guy and his family. I dont have a mom and it struck a nerve. It puts my sobriety at risk so I have to stay strong and understand I have to work on myself and my sobriety.

teatreeoil007

Okay Ach:

I'm sorry you are feeling so icky.

Maybe I'm not up on the latest, but I thought that relationship was OVER and you went no contact a couple of months ago? She lives in a different country. She goes on vacation with someone else. What exactly about this picture isn't telling you you deserve something better? And who is playing games? You've blocked her, unblocked her obviously, then blocked her again and I don't know how many times you've blocked and unblocked. You accuse her of "not loving you." When you block someone, ACH, they sort of get the idea that it's you who doesn't love them and don't want anything to do with them-thus they think it's over. Actions speak louder than words. Has she really tossed you aside like a piece of garbage? I thought you were "through" with her and wanted to be through with her a LONG time ago. So, why would you feel like she has tossed you aside?Can you see how confusing it is?

Try to stop worrying about what kinds of things you SHOULD be doing by age 30 and stay in the present. You are still very young with so much future ahead of you. You can do whatever you want to do! Don't let a past OR current relationship drag you down. NO ONE is forcing you to stay in a relationship that is causing you so much misery. But we are HIGHLY encouraged to stay out of relationships for the first year of sobriety. Be proud of your sobriety. The first year can be very hard as the brain is readjusting to being without its fix. Depression can easily set in during this time. And with depression can come lack of sleep, which can cause further depression.

Acheleus

I admit I have been inconsistent. I do care about her and I love her. I want her to be healthy and happy, but she has to do that on her own. I also have to learn to love myself. Teatreeoil, I did block the number and she showed up and I did not answer the door but she came back later and she said she would return her ticket and not go but I told her I wanted her to have fun it just hurt because...I do not know. I do not know how to have a healthy relationship. I am watching her dog and I do care about him. I am sorry I have not found the strength or courage to move forward. Whatever is wrong with me I will have to solve in sobriety. This is the longest I have been sober and I told someone at a meeting tonight that I was very scared. I know this person is not right for me. I honestly do not know why It has been so dysfunctional. I do want to be alone. It is hard and scary but I have to grow on my own.

teatreeoil007

If you hate school, why? Are you studying something you don't like? Maybe talking to an advisor would be helpful? What do you want to do? What are your dreams? What do you want to become? What have you always dreamed of being? It's not too late to become whatever you want to become. My mom didn't start her teaching career until age 47. My sister too. My sister in law too. See what I'm getting at here? The enemy of your soul would LOVE for you to buy into the notion that it's too late late and you absolutely MUST be in a relationship and/or be married in order to be fulfilled. That same enemy would also love to DISCOUNT your sobriety time. 9 months is HUGE. You're obviously doing something RIGHT, right?

Acheleus

When I first came on here I was learning to teach. I can see I was good at it. I wanted to get my phd. I wanted to teach literature. I am studying law now and struggling with feeling fulfilled. I do want to have hope. Sobriety is the most important thing. I did teach freshman english and i loved it but I had to quit drinking. I got into this relationship and it has been crazy. I want to move back to the town i lived in and teach english and get my phd. Or apply to programs. Honestly, i loved teaching and i was good at it. I feel stuck and I am trying to believe in myself again.

Acheleus

And thank you so much for the encouraging stories T. Thank you for helping me improve my perspective.

teatreeoil007

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teatreeoil007

I think you need to do what you love. If you are also good at what you love, that a bonus. What is stopping you from moving back to your old town and teach there? You have no wife and kids. That's a bonus right now in your life. Once you get married and have kids, even though that brings a certain amount of fulfillment, it does tend to put more limits on how freely you can change locations, etc. You are a young single man. If I were you I would enjoy it as much as possible. I don't know that I have the best advice on what to do about your dysfunctional relationship; it kind of sounds like you don't really know whether to stay or go or whether she should stay or go, but it's pretty clear you are not satisfied. When you told to go ahead and go on vacation with the other guy and hoped she had fun, how honest were you being with her? I think the truth is you DIDN'T want her to go, but were afraid to say so. Maybe it would have been better to just tell her the truth: "I wish you wouldn't go with him. It makes me feel like garbage."

Now, c'mon, you know you're not garbage, Ach. No one can make you into garbage or feel like garbage so don't let anyone else do that to you! Easier said than done and maybe some of this goes back to childhood issues with your mom. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you here, but if you are in pain and lonely; miserable and can't sleep, while your partner is off having vacation with another guy, that's a big problem, m'friend.

Time2Rise

Are you currently in therapy Ach? Your comments strongly suggest that you need professional help and not just discussions on an internet forum.

You're sober and that's great, but now you need to take an additional step and that step would be professional therapy in my opinion.