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Having a painful night

Old 03-25-2016, 02:00 AM
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Having a painful night

I hope everyone on here is doing well. At nine months sober I thought I would feel a little better, or at least proud of myself, but I cannot sleep and I had the urge to drink earlier. It seems a dysfunctional relationship is making me feel bad, and I take responsibility for my participation in the relationship, but I am so afraid that I will be alone forever. My mind is all over the place and I do not know what to do. Although I am sober I feel like I have made terrible choices in sobriety, fear-driven choices, and that my life is ruined. I cannot think. This is the longest I have ever been sober and I feel like my mind is clearing, but the clarity brings to light so much in my life that still needs improvement. Tonight I can feel how alone I really am. I made huge mistakes in sobriety. Can someone maybe share their experience with making poor choices in sobriety? I do not like who I am with, I do not like where I am, and I do not like what I am doing. Everyday I grit my teeth and push through but I feel like I am living someone else's life. I want to feel motivated and get a lot if things done but the future looks hopeless to me. I want a year of sobriety to be a foundation for my life but I feel like I have ruined my life. I am 30 and I have no wife, no job, and the future looks grim to me. Do you think quitting smoking would help me make other positive changes? I just need help in getting motivated and having hope again. Thank you and I hope everyone on here is well.
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Old 03-25-2016, 02:04 AM
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Congrats on 9 months sober!

I hope you can find the peace of mind you are looking for. Have you ever done volunteering anywhere? Lots of good groups are looking for volunteers. It's a good way to get out of your own head and give something back to the community. Try it. What have you got to lose?
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Old 03-25-2016, 02:20 AM
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Volunteering sounds like a great idea. Tomorrow at church I will find out about some good places to volunteer.
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Old 03-25-2016, 02:34 AM
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It is going to be okay...Somehow expressing how you are feeling is all that it takes in getting the ball rolling to make the necessary changes in our lives to move forward.

Sometimes it is fear that can keep us stuck and, unfortunately, seems to be a common motivator for a lot of us.
{F.E.A.R. is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real **

I like 'least' idea of volunteering...giving is a great leveler.

30 years old 9 months sober, I think that is awesome...
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Old 03-25-2016, 03:24 AM
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I think you are doing wonderful; you are at that point in your sober journey where you are feeling things and thinking with a clear mind.........awesome stuff! There are too many things in life where people feel like they "should" this or they "should" that. Be your own person with your own life and refuse to fit in to that box. Recovering sober people have the most interesting lives!

Volunteering or some type of service work is a good thing. I'm not doing as much as I was but it sure made me feel good. And I will always think that quitting smoking is a good idea
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Old 03-25-2016, 03:34 AM
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Hi Ach

I think there comes a time when you have to forgive yourself for past mistakes...you can't move on if you're still holding on to something in the past.

As a young guy in recovery, there's *every* opportunity for you to have the kind of future you want

congrats on 9 months

D
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Old 03-25-2016, 03:35 AM
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I totally get this.

I thought being sober would automatically bring about positive changes in my life but aside from a few things it really did not.

I'm still working stuff out myself, but I think life is a journey and you can't look at your age as a hindrance or other people as a guide.

Volunteering sounds like a good plan
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Old 03-25-2016, 04:26 AM
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Acheleus: No, I would not give up smoking at this point. Not right now. But definitely later when you are feeling better. It seems you are having a depression. Drinking will make it much worse. Do everything you can to avoid that. And avoid isolation. Seek out other recovering alcoholics and help them. Helping them will help yourself. And consult your doctor about an antidepressant if you have not done so already. Same thing for your sleeping problem. Depression comes with the territory- of recovery. Your AV will try to convince you that drinking will help. It won't. It's guaranteed to make it worse. Things often look hopeless just before the dawn. If you persist in recovery the sun will break out for you. Every good wish.

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Old 03-25-2016, 04:32 AM
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Way to go on 9 months don't be so hard on yourself your doing great
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Old 03-25-2016, 04:34 AM
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Thirty is a rough age...it was for me. You are through the first big push into adulthood and then you look around and start questioning everything you were told about what you could expect at this stage.

The good news is that you're still wonderfully young and you were smart enough to get sober so early. You will get through this...it's just a bit like when you shift from first to second...sometimes we grind the gears a bit.

Volunteering is a great idea!

Sending you a hug.

P.S. At age 31 I met my darling husband. Just saying,
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:27 AM
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The age thing has been hard to deal with lately. My gf or relationship partner is a person I met in AA. We both relapsed and I got sober again. She drank. She is now around 60 days sober and in another country vacationing with a guy and his family. It hurts. I just feel discarded and I told her I did not want to feel this way and blocked the number. She showed up at my place. I hate the way she makes me feel.
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:32 AM
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This relationship or whatever is the big reason I cannot find serenity and peace. I cannot respect myself anymore. She makes me feel like garbage.
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Acheleus View Post
Can someone maybe share their experience with making poor choices in sobriety? I do not like who I am with, I do not like where I am, and I do not like what I am doing.
To stick with the poor choices you made, to suffer through circumstances that you have control over...that's a poor choice too.

My experience with making poor choices is to start making the right choices. How do we know they are the right choices? They are the hard ones, the ones we don't want to make.
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:42 AM
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The right choices are the hard choices. That makes sense. Ok. No more fear of being alone forever.
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Acheleus View Post
This relationship or whatever is the big reason I cannot find serenity and peace. I cannot respect myself anymore. She makes me feel like garbage.
Then I think you know what you need to do, Acheleus. Stand your ground and me true to yourself. If the relationship is not giving you anything positive, then you need to move on.

I ended my marriage after I got sober. Was it the hardest thing I ever did? Yes. But was it the right thing to do? Absolutely. Sobriety gave me the insight and the tools to deal with the serious problems in my life.
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:49 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
Then I think you know what you need to do, Acheleus. Stand your ground and me true to yourself. If the relationship is not giving you anything positive, then you need to move on.

I ended my marriage after I got sober. Was it the hardest thing I ever did? Yes. But was it the right thing to do? Absolutely. Sobriety gave me the insight and the tools to deal with the serious problems in my life.
This
You've needed to end this relationship for a very long time.
While she is vacationing with another man seems like the perfect time.

Change your number and go No Contact
I know I have said that to you many times,
but maybe now you are ready to do this for good and get
your life back?
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:52 AM
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Forever is a really, really long time. I'd bet my car you won't be alone too long, but I know that fear.

But she needs to go and stay gone. There really is no excuse for the games she's playing, especially if she's in recovery. Some people substitute drama for their drug of choice...adrenalin is a high, too...and she might be one of them.

She's not good for you, no matter what.
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Old 03-25-2016, 06:05 AM
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I feel the way you do a lot! Do you have a sponsor? If not, I highly suggest you find a sponsor who can take you through the steps!

My sponsor really helps me stay grounded and reminds me of my life's dream: To marry and have a couple of kids and a simple, calm life. I go crazy at times and think I should be living in the city, buying a house, making more money, going back to school etc. etc. and she reminds me that I want a husband and a family and that to do that I need to focus on my character - seeking God, figuring out my hobbies and interests. "Grow and tend to your garden" she tells me and I am telling you this as well. What do you WANT out of life. What would your ideal situation look like? It sounds like you would like to be in a relationship. Why not sit down with a pen and paper and write down what you want to BRING to a relationship...and what would you like to get out of a relationship. When you "Grow your garden" and heal and have hobbies and interests you will attract an amazing woman. So, stop focusing on what you don't have and the poor choices you've made in the past (even in sobriety) and make a plan to live a healthy, sober, happy life.

Grow your garden. Prune it. Water it. Give it good food and sunlight. You will become an amazing person in sobriety if you stop chasing after what society tells you you SHOULD do, be, think, feel and focus on what you want out of life.
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Old 03-25-2016, 06:08 AM
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I ended it. Blocked. Now I have to move.
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Old 03-25-2016, 06:12 AM
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Yes I have hobbies. I am in lawsuit school and I feel like a failure there. I think I need to get away from this unhealthy person and just get reacquainted with myself. I play guitar and piano so I am getting back into those. I hate school. I really hate it when my partner goes overseas with her male friend from high school and his family.
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