Acheleus

I have a shrink and a counselor. I am on medication. I am in shock I think with the partner being with someone else. I do feel like garbage and unlovable.
Time to make appointments.

wpainterw

Acheleus: Have you given any thought to the possibility that you may have given this woman too much power over you the way you gave alcohol power over yourself? I know you were or are in love with her but is it not time for you to move on? Or are you like the protagonist in Hector Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique who kept obsessing about his Idee fixe, his long lost love, as he was being led to the scaffold? Don't let the loss of her give you an excuse to destroy yourself, your hopes, your future, your life!

W.

Acheleus

Yes it is like alcohol. I alwsys end it and go no contact but she shows up at my place. It is not love. It is not good, whatever it is. It is irrational and destructive. I honestly want time alone to heal. She obsesses about me being with other people. The comparison to alcohol and powerlessness is apt.
I found a new female friend thinking that would make her leave me alone but she appeared drunk at my door. It has been a nightmare.

Delilah1

Hi Acheleus,

First, stop and celebrate nine months of sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment, and one you should feel very proud of.

We are all works in progress, and life doesn't come with a "By this age you will..." Set of rules. If you are unhappy with what you are studying consider going back into teaching. Do something you love.

As for the relationship, sounds like you know you need to let it go. You are still very young, and have lots of time for relationship and career.

Hopefully you are able to speak win your therapist this week.

Stick around here if you are feeling down this weekend.

❤️ Delilah

Acheleus

Thank you Delilah. I will stick around here this weekend and I will also be going to a lot of meetings. I do not want this emotional roller coaster to interfere with my commitment to sobriety. I do not want to have any romantic relationship until I am two years sober. Since I messed up so badly I really need to get my life back that I have given to this person. The horrible relationship is just about power and control. I was tired of being controlled by alcohol and I am tired of being controlled by this person. I take full responsibility for getting myself into this mess and I am the only person who can leave. Plans to move are in the works but I need to disappear so this person cannot reach me.

And staying sober is my number one priority every day.

teatreeoil007

Ach-I say this as gently as possible: Who cares what she obsesses about? You're obsessing too, though and have obsessed about who she may be with. But bringing in another female for the purpose of getting rid of the current GF is not a very good way to go about it. And apparently that didn't work. Her appearing drunk at your door happened a while ago, if I recall. You were going to go no contact after bringing all that up here and were going to take the advice given here to end this relationship, but that hasn't happened. Why not? I think maybe you are very confused and still have strong feelings for her and maybe she is still of some use to you somehow. But you are obsessing about her and it can really interfere in what you need to be doing for yourself. So you feel "unlovable"? That's a crock and you know it! But you don't need to be in a relationship with anyone else to feel lovable. You can feel lovable anytime, anywhere, if you love yourself.

Soberwolf

Good idea Acheleus

Irnldy001

It may be a quote that belongs to another person, but I only know it as said by my stepfather - and I'll share it with you: No one can make you feel badly without your permission.
You are giving this girl free rent in your head. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When she offered not to go, you told her you wanted her to go and have fun. Then you immediately felt rejected by the response. One of the hardest things we have to do sober is to stop lying. You set yourself up for heart ache. You knew she'd go if given permission, perhaps even if not. Ask yourself why you set yourself up for this. You already know who she is, so you don't have to question her motives. You should be examining what you say, why you said it, and the result you achieved. One of the questions we answer when doing personal inventories is " How did I attempt to manipulate the situation?". In this case, you seem to want to sabotage your own self, and then to wallow in the drama and misery this brings.
Even when sober, us alcoholics can create lots of drama! I can't tell you what to do next. I can't tell you not to obsess over her, as you will do what you will do. I can say, if you're going to AA, go with sincerity and intensity. If you can be relieved of your need to drink, don't you think you can ask to be relived of the madness that is this relationship?
You need some peace. I hope you find a measure of it

Acheleus

Yes...scary. Yea you are correct. All I know to do is move and cut contact.

teatreeoil007

Yes, cut contact, which you were going to do a while ago, but didn't. I can understand indecisiveness when it's someone you care about. But, you need to care about yourself first and do what is most healthy for YOU. Beings she lives in a different country, I don't know that you would actually need to move....

But, you need psychological distance, from the sounds of it and that can be a tough one once a person is in your head. You may even need to go on different meds for while so you can sleep and get help for the obsessive thinking.

The challenge to be honest still stands. Be honest with yourself and be honest with others in your life. Honesty may not always make you popular, but it really is the best way to go in the long run. If you don't feel like doing something, say so. If you just want to be alone, say so. If you're not okay with something say so. You sort of strike me as a person who gets in too deep and then tries to find a way to back-pedal. While back-pedaling may get you out of something, it's much better really if you don't do or say things that necessitate back-pedaling in the first place. And if you do get in too deep, take responsibility for it rather than blame it on the other person or the circumstances. Alcoholics love to have a scapegoat or two to blame their drinking on as in "It drove me to drink". One of the first things we have to learn is to drop that mentality and it's hard to do because quite frankly, there are things that can literally "drive a person to drink". You are on the right track in knowing that whatever your problems are you need to face them sober. We totally get that here. You have our support.

Acheleus

I have always been the type of person to go along to get along. I do not feel like a whole person. I have no sense of who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. People in my family are not very helpful and are more frustrated with me but I do not like them and I do not feel close to them. I am tired of being alone but I know I have to develop a sense of self and feel good about my life again. I do not like anything about my life right now. I always listened to other people instead of doing what I wanted to do.

uncorked

Awww, Acheleus, it sounds like you are just starting to figure stuff out and discovering who you are as a person. Congrats on 9 months sober, that is no small feat. You should be extremely proud of that accomplishment! Now, if you can do THAT, you can do almost anything! Including shutting down this unhealthy relationship. Love, or the illusion of it, can be a drug, too. Maybe you are investing/obsessing over her as a way to avoid looking at yourself. You are SO young yet! I wish I knew that at 30. Heck, I had a baby when I was 42 -- and you're a dude, you can have babies till you're 90 -- so you have plenty of time for all that. But get to know yourself first. I have 2 divorces under my belt because I didn't do that. I was like you, always trying to make peace and get along -- except when I drank. Then I had a voice, or so I thought. I'm glad you have a counselor and I love the idea of volunteering. You will get so much back from that. Take small steps, you don't have to figure out your entire life at age 30. If you love teaching, go back to that. Listen to your heart and trust your wisdom. It's in there.

teatreeoil007

Okay: On one hand you say you have no sense of who you are and what you are supposed to be doing.

But in that last sentence you say you've always listened to other people instead of doing what you wanted to do... If you can IDENTIFY the contrast between just listening to other people and "dong what you wanted to do", I think you must have some sense of what you wanted to do, thus have some sense of who you are. And knowing "who you are" also gives a person an idea of what they "should be doing". There is a saying "Love what do and do what you love". What is stopping you from doing what you love>>teaching English for example. And, what is stopping you from loving what you are doing? We cannot answer that. It seems as though your happiness and satisfaction has rested on how you are in relation to other people. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing other people, depending on others to "define" who you are and what you should be doing can be a trap that leaves you feeling empty and alone. However, some of the greatest "defining moments" of our lives come after a period of being sort of : alone. I know you're tired of "being alone" and I cannot really "feel" entirely how you feel right now, but you're on the right track in knowing you need to come to terms with who you really minus a relationship and need to do that sober. There a lot of people who just drink themselves to death because of failure; whether it's a failed relationship, career failure or just betraying their own moral compass. Whatever it is that happens, we don't have to drink over it and no, life ain't always going to feel good, that's for sure. I put a LOT of trust in my higher power and that carries me through a LOT when I am just not sure how I am going to get through it. You can do this!! Be true to yourself and be true to God.

zeppodog

At 30 years old you have the world ahead of you, quit smoking, start exercising, that's something that makes you start feeling better in a week or two and you can see and feel the results pretty fast. I'm 63 and feel like there's a whole lotta life ahead of me, well at least I hope so. Takes a while after you quit to start feeling good mentally again but hang in there, it'll get better.

Acheleus

Day 3 of no smoking. I am going for a long walk. I have been texting her. She says she supports me and cares about me. I think I just really want someone to truly care about me but I have to stay sober and be true to myself before I can be with someone. She is very attractive but that is not why I love her. I just love her. I might not be healthy and knowledgeable about love, but I do know that I love her. I just do. Thank you for all the advice. A nice long walk will be good.

Dee74

I really hope you consider moving on Acheleus.

I hope this is not too harsh, but I remember past threads - this relationship made you very unhappy, & even contributed to you relapsing.

Sometimes we want something through fear of never finding better.

I don't think that's a valid enough reason.

D

Acheleus

Maybe I just need time by myself to figure out how I feel. My walk was great and I may walk some more. Thank you Dee I do remember the verbal abuse and everything. She onviously has her own issues. It is time for me to regain some self-respect. I will be mindful of the past and not live in a fantasy world. I remember teaching and reading a lot before I met this person. I don't like the feeling of someone else controlling how I feel.